


GRL PWR: The Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers Experience

by grimeysociety



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Popstar, Darcy Lewis Feels, Dry Humping, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lesbian Carol Danvers, Panic Attack Comfort, Physical Abuse, Postpartum Depression, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-09-23 08:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 90,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20336932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimeysociety/pseuds/grimeysociety
Summary: In the 2000s, Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers were teen popstars. Years down the line, Darcy agrees to a reunion tour to escape her failing marriage and rekindle her love of music. She can't decide if Carol's accompanying musician Bucky Barnes is a bonus or a hindrance.





	1. Part One: Hypnotize

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I came up with this idea some time ago and let it ruminate. I'm writing this for the 2019 Ladies of Marvel Bingo, specifically the squares M5 "AU: No Powers" and O3 "Dancing". 
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I came up with this idea some time ago and let it ruminate. I'm writing this for the 2019 Ladies of Marvel Bingo, specifically the squares M5 "AU: No Powers", O3 "Dancing" and M3 "Free Space".
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)

**Part One: Hypnotize**

_I know the early 2000s happened. I was there. except I see photos from the time and I think it’s a government conspiracy. Did we REALLY wear that shit? Who let us do that? What the fuck were we thinking? – _comment by Cheryl Knight on Buzzfeed article_ **28 Truly Insane Things That Could Have Only Existed In The Early 2000s** _

_-_

_Who else is listening in August 2019?_ – comment by lula9189 on YouTube video **_“Two Of Us”_** by GRLPWR.

-

_“If we’re gonna get a Destiny’s Child reunion, what about GRLPWR?”_

_“Carol Danvers is quaking! Yaasss!” _

_“Carol Danvers is doing just fine, sweetie.”_

-

Darcy ran every day for the last week. It was her Me Time. She put Xander down for a nap ten minutes ago when Phill came home, planting a kiss on his cheek before shoving her feet into her sneakers, gathering her hair in a ponytail as she trampled down the stairs.

She burst into the humid air, putting her earphones in and turning the volume up, crossing out of the warning notification Spotify threw up at her. She knew it was bad for her hearing, but she wanted to block the world out.

_Uh, uh, uh, c'mon_

Biggie was bound to help.

_Hah, sicka than your average_  
_Poppa twist cabbage off instinct_  
_ Niggas don't think shit stink, pink gators,_  
_ My Detroit players_  
_ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn_

Darcy weaved through people in the street, bouncing when she reached the traffic lights. She moved on, racing down the block and around the corner, feeling sweat already gathering on her upper lip. By the time the song got to the chorus, Darcy was panting.

_Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see_  
_Sometimes your words just hypnotize me_  
_ And I just love your flashy ways_  
_ Guess that's why they broke, and you're so paid, uh_

Darcy hit shuffle a few times to find something better when _Hypnotize_ ended, leaning her hand on the back of a park bench while she panted. The snippets of tracks were interrupted by a photo of Darcy’s mom swimming up, alerting her call.

Darcy sighed, her thumb hovering over the red decline button, but at the last second she picked up the call.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hi, is this a bad time?”

“No, it’s…” Darcy sat down on the bench, the world flooding back. She swiped at some of the sweat on her face. “It’s okay. I’m out.”

“Where are the boys?”

Darcy hated that. It made it sound as though she had two sons, and her mother’s sentiment was a little close to home. She thought of Phill only minutes ago, wearing his t-shirt with the holes in it she’d tried to throw out a least three times.

“Home. I’m out jogging.”

“Good you do it now, don’t do it after dark.”

Darcy would never dream of doing such a thing and made a face.

“I… won’t,” she murmured. “What’s up?”

“I got a call from an old friend of yours –”

Darcy closed her eyes for a few seconds, pleading inwardly, “Please don’t say Gary, please don’t say Gary…”

“Gary Grant from _Hubble_. He’s interested in you doing an interview on the _Today Show_.”

The problem with having your mom as your manager was that she was able to sneak business into every conversation. It was why Darcy tended to screen all her calls. Darcy had the ability to decline opportunities if she left a message. Darcy would usually use Xander as an excuse, too.

_Too busy with bath time, sorry I didn’t pick up. I’m gonna say no to **E! News**._

Then she’d usually send a couple new photos of Xander and her mom wouldn’t be as mad as before her grandchild was born two years ago.

“What is it about?” Darcy asked, sighing again.

“Don’t be dramatic. He wanted you to promote yourself and your nightclub gigs.”

“Except?” Darcy prompted, flicking a bug off her leg.

“He wanted you to hint at a reunion.”

“No,” Darcy said flatly.

“Why not? You’ll get so many more fans showing up and you can get some brand deals –”

“I haven’t seen Carol in two years,” Darcy snapped. “You know that. Every time this comes up, I have to remind you. You don’t listen. And I’m not gonna sell Skinny Tea.”

Her mom gave a loud sigh. “Darcy, are things okay at home?”

Darcy wanted to stomp her foot, act Xander’s age.

“I’m fine.”

“When was the last time you and Phill had some time together?”

“This morning when he asked me to buy more TP,” Darcy retorted, picturing her mom pinching her nose.

“You’ve got to try harder.”

“Yes, it’s always me needing to try harder, never the husband. Never Phill, who I’m so lucky to have,” Darcy snapped.

She almost added, “My marriage is hanging by a thread and I think he cheats on me, and the last time we had sex was before Xander was born.”

“I tried to call you with good news,” her mom said, ignoring her sass. “I’m trying to be supportive, but you’re stuck in a rut and you won’t see it any other way. You can’t expect to feel better if you never change anything.”

It was a thinly-veiled jab at her previous post-partum depression and Darcy felt her stomach twist at the memories of sobbing while she held Xander for hours at a time.

“I know, Mom,” she mumbled. “But say no to Gary. Again.”

They hung up and Darcy scrolled through her Instagram feed. Speak of the Devil, Carol was posing beside a spread of tacos, smiling at the camera. She wore no makeup and looked her usual stunning self, her forearms even more defined than the last time Darcy saw them.

Darcy bit her lip, sending a little black heart emoji. Several people then noticed her comment, liking and replying to it.

_GRLPWR! YEAH!!!!! _


	2. Part Two: Both Sides Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the enthusiam so far! :)

**Part Two: Both Sides Now**

Darcy stabbed her own eye in front of the bathroom mirror with her mascara wand. She’d already redone her makeup, feeling like her eyeliner was never quite right.

She could have splashed out and got someone to come over to do her hair and face. She didn’t want Phil seeing her act like a diva, so she chose to do it herself again, Xander on her lap.

He held onto one of her cleaner makeup brushes, turning it over and waving it around as Darcy dabbed at the mark on her eyelid, trying to remedy the situation.

“You got his dinner ready?”

“Was I supposed to? I was gonna order in,” Phil called back, and Darcy sighed.

She picked up Xander, hoisting him on her hip and taking the brush from him, smoothing the hair from his face. It was getting in his eyes again, and Darcy knew she was meant to get it cut but he was prone to screaming when scissors came anywhere near him. He was going through a thrashing and throwing stage.

Darcy walked out of the bathroom and into Phil’s office, seeing him with his feet up at his desk, playing video games.

“He can’t live off takeout.”

“I ate McDonalds twice a week all my childhood, and I’m fine. He’s got my genetics,” Phil retorted, not taking his eyes off the two screens in front of him.

Darcy knew she’d regret agreeing to having Phil use this room however he wanted, but she only agreed to avoid another fight.

“He’s got my genetics, too, and my uncle had diabetes,” Darcy said, and she’s frustrated that she’s saying this again. It happened every time she left Phil and Xander to fend for themselves.

“I’ll order something with vegetables,” Phil said, finally pausing his game and lifting his brows. “Anything else?”

_If I come home and he’s drunk then he doesn’t love me anymore._

The thought snuck up on her and Darcy pushed it back. He hadn’t done that in a while. She was the one going to work at a bar, to help facilitate the purchasing of alcohol. It would be a little hypocritical of her to hold that against him.

And yet she still thought about it when she went back to fix her hair, leaving Xander on his father’s knee.

She hoped when she came back later he would be sleeping steadily, their son in the nursery and safe.

She put on her dress, smoothing it over her stomach, tilting her head at her reflexion and assessing. She looked better than before, that’s for sure. She had macaroni in her hair before, and bits of crayon under her nails. She squinted, seeing up close it was still there and she cursed under her breath.

She picked up her bag and checked she had everything, doing a final check of her outfit before she walked back to the office, moving to kiss Xander on the cheek.

“I love you, little Mister,” she said. “I’m gonna hug you so hard when you wake up tomorrow.”

She moved back, looking at the side of Phil’s face.

“Bye.”

He turned his head for a second, eyes dipping to the plunging neckline of her dress.

“Bye, Darce.”

She swallowed, walking out. She didn’t know what he felt about all of this. She stopped singing altogether years ago. For most of her twenties her singing became a job, not a passion. She only started singing at the bar several blocks away six months ago, mostly for her sanity.

The first performance had been mortifying. Hardly anyone showed up, or stuck around. She didn’t find her voice until she did it two more times.

By now, she wasn’t proud, but edging toward a tentative pleasant place with her stage presence. She had only an hour on the little stage at the back with the piano behind her, Walt the accompanist there. He’d played on a couple of her albums and was always willing to help out.

Darcy took a taxi to the bar, stepping out into the night and tucking her hair behind her ears self-consciously. No baby in her arms meant she had to charm everyone all by herself, so she took a deep breath and opened the door and slipped inside.

She waved to the barkeep named Nicole and went to the back rooms where Walt was waiting. They hugged and went through the set list, changing a couple things around while Darcy nursed a glass of water. Her nerves had fully set in, her hands clammier.

She went to the bathroom, doing some scales. Walt stuck his head in after five minutes, which was her cue to move. She nodded, trying to smile.

“You’re gonna do great,” Carol would always say. “Because we’re doing it together.”

Darcy took a few deep breaths, letting the feelings wash over her. She picked up the glass of wine Nicole left her and walked onto the stage. She smiled and waved, seeing mostly women in their thirties, some men. This place wasn’t a dive, but it wasn’t a Manhattan nightclub with a bouncer on the door all night.

Darcy took a sip of her drink, putting it down on a stool beside her.

“Let me get this right,” she whispered, moving the microphone to her ideal height, and she glanced straight ahead. “Hello. Thank you for coming.”

The first couple songs were from her solo albums, a little filler to get her going. She liked that Walt was easy going about it, letting her linger on notes. She tried improvising a little. She drank more wine and held it up.

“What am I drinking, Nicole? It’s yummy. It’s got a… a little kick to it. Shiraz, maybe?”

She knew she sounded like she was talking to herself but she didn’t mind, falling back into the next song with one look over at Walt.

The set went by pretty fast, and she kept touching her dress sleeves as she sang. She knew some parts were a little out of sync, but she knew she was getting better.

“I have one more song, and I hope you like it. It’s not mine. Anyway, enjoy. Thank you for listening.”

Darcy took a deep breath and sighed, tilting her head a little back so she didn’t exhale straight into the microphone. She swallowed, touching the mic with both hands, letting her lips brush it, letting her eyes fall to a space somewhere in the distance.

_Rows and flows of angel hair_   
_And ice cream castles in the air_   
_ And feather canyons everywhere_   
_ I've looked at clouds that way_   
_ But now they only block the sun_   
_ They rain and snow on everyone_   
_ So many things I would have done_   
_ But clouds got in my way_

She felt her eyes sting.

_I've looked at clouds from both sides now_   
_From up and down and still somehow_   
_ It's cloud's illusions I recall_   
_ I really don't know clouds at all_

She truly loved this song, heard it so many times, breathed it in and out, let the words and chords flow through her. Singing it was never any less than a kind of epiphany. It made Darcy bare herself, let her face contort with emotion as she sang out to strangers.

When she finished the song, there was a stunned silence, and then a loud cheering and she blinked herself back to the bar, murmuring her thanks.

She threw her jacket back on when the people who lagged behind wanting photographs left her. The bar was emptier than before, except for a few guys on stools who weren’t watching her that closely before. There was one figure to the side of the chairs that sat in front of the stage, a guy with look brown hair and blue eyes wearing a leather jacket. His fingers scratched his beard and Darcy felt him watch her as she finished her drink and thank Walt again for tonight.

The man came over, his hands on his hips and Darcy glanced at him.

“Hi,” she said, smiling at him. “Thank you for coming.”

He looked vaguely familiar. Darcy was sure she’d think of his name later when she was trying to sleep. He was very handsome, his smile impish as he grinned back at her.

“You were fantastic.”

“I don’t know about…” Darcy trailed off, shaking her head. She knew she needed to get better at taking compliments. It was bordering on embarrassing. “Thank you.”

“We’ve got… uh, a mutual friend.”

Darcy narrowed her eyes slightly, eyes traveling up and down. He wore beaten up boots and worn jeans. A couple of his teeth were crooked, his eyes big and piercing.

Then she remembered a video on Carol’s Instagram from a few months ago, one of her singing at the top of her lungs, a cover of _Grace_ by Jeff Buckley. At the end of the video, she looked at the man beside her on the guitar and laughed, pleased with herself.

“Carol,” Darcy said, and he nodded.

“I’m Bucky.”

He offered a hand and she took it, shaking it. He hadn’t touched a man in a while. She was glad she at least cleaned up tonight. She wondered what he was doing here.

“Did she send you?” Darcy asked.

“Some Facebook post popped up for this place talkin’ about Darcy Lewis’ monthly gig,” he murmured, sounding amused. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“I don’t pay for drinks here,” Darcy said, and Bucky smiled.

“Then you can buy me a drink,” he retorted without missing a beat.

Darcy glanced at Nicole who shrugged.

“I should get home.”

Darcy ducked out back to get her bag and came out of the bar, seeing Bucky smoking outside, waiting for her.

He followed her down the street, but Darcy didn’t want to run away. She lagged a little, glancing up at him. She looked at the cigarette between his lips and he smiled at her.

“You want a smoke?”

Darcy hesitated, but then nodded, holding up her hand. Instead of giving her a new one, he pulled his own out of his mouth and put it between her lips, Darcy’s eyes widening. She took a drag and coughed a couple times, her eyes watering.

“That’s fucking disgusting,” she gasped.

“Give it back, then,” he said, and she shook her head.

“No, this is mine, now,” she murmured, taking a few more fluent drags, and he chuckled, lighting another one for himself.

Bucky glanced at the cars driving by.

“Where are you headed?”

“You know I’m married?” Darcy interjected, and for a mortifying moment she thought she’d maybe misread him and she thought he’d shut her down swiftly. Her lips parted and she froze, her legs somehow still moving her along.

“Yeah, Carol warned me,” he said, voice lower.

“Warned you?” Darcy repeated, feeling herself smile, and she suppressed it.

“Yeah,” he said, drawing the word out.

She remembered the cigarette in her hand and took another couple drags to fill the silence, her mind racing.

“Carol wants to do a reunion tour. Said that old exec from _Hubble_ tried callin’ your mom. I offered to talk to you.”

He sounded almost sure of himself.

“Every few months people talk about that,” Darcy said, trying to sound dismissive. She flicked ash onto the ground. “No-one would want to see that. They’d just want to see Carol.”

“Really? You’re gonna tell me that the girl who sang Joni Mitchell on a Tuesday night in a bar for forty strangers doesn’t have the same drive Carol Danvers does?”

Darcy made a face. “She was always the extrovert.”

“Oh. You’re an introverted entertainer. You’re a mysterious breed,” he teased.

“What are you?”

“Both,” he murmured.

Darcy stopped walking and he did the same.

“I should get a cab,” she said, looking back at him.

She threw her cigarette on the ground and stamped it out, Bucky watching her. She felt something shift inside and she swallowed.

“Sad song, _Both Sides Now_,” he said.

“Usually I end with _Fade Into You_ by Mazzy Star,” she murmured, avoiding his gaze.

“What made you change your mind?”

She kept her eyes on the ground for a few seconds, considering her answer.

_I thought about Carol too long today. I thought about being fifteen and having the world at our feet. I thought about being young and happy. And I’m not happy. I don’t remember the last time I was happy_.

“Different crowd,” she replied, shifting her gaze to meet his. “If you come back next month, I might switch it back.”

Bucky nodded, his face changing again. He cleared his throat.

“I’ll get you a cab.”

He walked to the curb and stuck out his arm, a taxi pulling up in about ten seconds, much faster if Darcy had tried to do it herself.

Darcy walked over, flashing him a grateful smile.

“Thank you.”

She ducked inside, Bucky bending to look at her as she settled into her seat.

“Goodnight,” he said, smiling. “Tell your husband I said hi.”

Darcy broke into a smile, blushing instantly.

“Okay. Goodnight.”

He shut the door, waving to her as the taxi drove off.

Darcy reached their front door, slipping inside. To her relief, she didn’t hear any sound effects coming from the office, which meant Phil went to bed.

Darcy went into the bathroom and wiped off her makeup, tugging her earrings off and putting them on the sink, stepping out of her shoes. She went into the nursery, closing the door behind her.

Xander was fast asleep, and she bent down to kiss his head, breathing in his scent.

She sighed, moving to sit on the little bed beside the cot, listening to Xander’s steady breaths. She turned onto her side, unlocking her phone.

There was a notification on her home screen, a follower request for Instagram. She opened it, seeing a photo of Bucky as the icon, his bio sparse, his feed few and far between. She pressed accept, turning her phone over and closing her eyes.

Within a couple minutes her phone buzzed again and she felt her stomach flip, picking it up to see he’d messaged her already.

** _Hello_ **

**_Hi_**, she replied. **_That was fast._**

**_No guy wants to hear that_**, he sent back, and Darcy smiled despite herself.

He wrote more without her replying.

** _You get home ok?_ **

No emojis. Darcy didn’t know how serious he was.

** _Yes. Sleeping. Or trying to. Hint hint._ **

** _Okay. Sleep tight, then. Rest those vocal chords._ **

She wanted to write more, that he made her feel good about herself, and that it didn't happen that often. She wanted to thank him somehow without making it weird.

** _Don’t let the bedbugs bite _ **

She turned onto her back, tugging the blanket to cover herself, closing her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my Tumblr](http://vibranium.tumblr.com/)


	3. Part Three: Love Is A Losing Game

**Part Three: Love Is A Losing Game**

Darcy watched the same video on Carol’s Instagram feed at least ten times. She actually lost count. She kept playing it over and over, wishing to experience it just like the first but it was never the same. She loved it so much she wanted to comment about a proper recording. She knew Carol still did her own recordings, produced a lot of her own work.

This was a cover of Ariana Grande’s _God Is A Woman_. Beside her, Bucky sat with his guitar to accompany her. At the end of the clip he’d laugh and Darcy had the sound of it on her mind for days afterwards.

Darcy kept to herself mostly for the next couple of weeks, playing with Xander all the time, sleeping in his room and avoiding fighting with Phil. She knew she felt guilty about meeting Bucky and walking down the street with him, his cigarette in her mouth. She didn’t complain at all, not even when he forgot she was seeing her therapist one afternoon. She had to take Xander with her because Phil stayed back with some work buddies at a bar for a late lunch and her therapist asked her about it made her feel.

“Fine. It’s not a big deal,” Darcy replied immediately, and she knew how she sounded. Like she had no backbone, like she wasn’t aware of how she was being treated. “I really don’t care.”

“Does he know that? That you don’t care?” her therapist prompted, and Darcy shrugged.

Xander was sitting on her lap, his stuffed monkey smacking her chin occasionally. She moved her head back, Xander grunting, in his own world.

“It’s not like we talk much about anything.”

“So you’re not planning to talk about scheduling a date night?”

Darcy looked at the carpet. “No.”

She paid this woman a lot of money to listen to her troubles and yet she still found it hard to speak to her. She didn’t like how it all sounded out loud. It was a mess. She knew it was a mess. She kept the extent of it hidden from most other people.

If she brought up the idea with Phil, he might expect sex at the end of the night, and Darcy didn’t want to have sex with him. She didn’t know when exactly that light went out, but she didn’t have a libido anymore.

When she came home to see Phil the closest thing to contrite, taking the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, some kind of pie in the oven, she didn’t want him in the apartment anymore. She’d rather he just pretended he didn’t need to make it up to her.

The next day when Xander was having a nap, she took out her acoustic guitar from the spare room, dusting it off. She opened a bottle of merlot and poured herself a glass. She sat down, tuning her guitar and testing it out. She got out her phone, propping it up on a stack of old CDs and pressed record.

_For you I was the flame_   
_Love is a losing game_   
_ Five story fire as you came_   
_ Love is losing game_

_One I wished, I never played_   
_Oh, what a mess we made_   
_ And now the final frame_   
_ Love is a losing game…_

She played the song twice all the way through, the second time slightly better. She turned edited the clip and uploaded it to her Instagram, finishing her glass of wine.

The response was immediate. Lots of emojis with heart eyes and flames. She felt seen. It felt scary at first but she put her phone down for a few hours to do some laundry and take care of Xander when he woke up. By the time she got back to her phone, there were tens of thousands of views and a sea of likes and comments. A couple emails from brands her mom forwarded her, of course, and a DM from Bucky.

** _Wow. Wish I could have been in the room with you._ **

She felt her heart beat a little faster. Oh, she knew she was in trouble by how she felt flustered over a couple little sentences. He probably had several girls in his phone he kept track of. And he knew she was married. It was a little pathetic of her to make such a big deal of it.

She hesitated, not sure what to reply with. She settled for something very boring.

** _Thank._ **

She groaned a little the second after she sent it, realizing her mishap. Not thank you or thanks, just thank. She felt as fluent in English as her son was, who was currently gurgling in the bath, splashing in his little special chair that kept his head above the water.

A new message popped up before she could remedy herself.

** _Your welc _ **

Darcy smiled despite herself, going to his profile, but there was nothing new. She liked his newest one which was already three weeks old, a photo of Coney Island at sunset.

A couple news articles came out about her Amy Winehouse cover and Darcy got a lot more new followers, people who’d forgotten about her. She was the less popular half of the GRLPWR duo, she always had been. She didn’t mind, and she was sure Carol preferred it that way, too.

-

Carol finally acknowledged her video several days later, throwing several hearts her way in the comments. Darcy liked her comment but didn’t reply to it. She opened her DMs and saw the last thing she wrote to Carol was a Happy Birthday from months ago. Darcy wasn’t bitter about it. She knew it was mostly her fault. She felt lonely but didn’t know how to reach out to people. She didn’t reciprocate affection easily like she used to, either.

The person she loved the most was Xander, and she didn’t like that she didn’t have much else in her life. She would never take it back, having her son, but she wished sometimes that things were better. Or, at least, a bit more exciting than trying to sneak veggies into his meals and going to the park to feed the ducks.

Carol sent her a text.

** _Can we talk?_ **

Darcy replied with a simple thumbs-up emoji and Carol rang her in seconds, and Darcy stared down at the screen for several rings before she picked it up.

“Hey.”

“Hey! How are you?”

Darcy felt it immediately, the warmth that Carol radiated wherever she went in whatever capacity possible. She was the sunshine girl, the light to Darcy’s darkness. It was no coincidence that Carol was blonde and Darcy was brunette. When _Hubble_ brought them together, they marketed well, the contrasting dispositions and colour schemes. Darcy was Wednesday Addams and Carol was Marcia Brady.

“Good. What’s up?”

Darcy put on her best Mommy Group voice, but it was rusty. She hoped Carol couldn’t detect it in her tone, how uncomfortable she truly felt.

“I’m good. How’s Xander?”

“He’s really, really good,” Darcy said. She picked up the remote and turned down the cartoons she was playing for him on the plasma screen TV. “He’s getting _so_ big.”

“I bet.”

“Yeah.”

There was an awkward pause and Darcy waited, wondering what to say.

“I called ‘cause… well, I keep getting this idea that we should hang out. Maybe. I’m just so busy –”

Darcy made a vague humming sound. “Yeah, totally. Me, too.”

In truth, she hadn’t left the house in a few days. Since uploading her Amy Winehouse cover, she hadn’t wanted to be out in public in case she was recognized.

“What about you come and hang out tomorrow? Is that too soon, or -?”

“No,” Darcy said. “Uh, I mean – I can get Xander a sitter –”

“Bring him! I haven’t seen him in ages.”

Last time she saw Carol, she was very drunk, making out with a girl in front of everyone. It was when Darcy was pregnant and she was the only person at the party who was sober. She stayed less than two hours, and by the time she left she was nearly in tears. That was the beginning of her darker months, her depression rearing its ugly head for the first time. She felt very pregnant that night, and she was sure if she brought Xander over to Carol’s pseudo hippie commune they’d hate every second of it.

“He’s not – I don’t think he’ll like it,” she admitted, cringing a little.

“I promise it’ll be kid-friendly. I’ve only got… eight people staying here right now,” Carol said, laughing. “Please? Say yes. Please? Please?”

Darcy laughed. “Okay. Okay. I’ll come. We’ll both come.”

Carol began screaming and Darcy pulled the phone away from her ear, laughing.

“GUYS! DARCY’S COMING!”

-

Darcy buckled Xander in his baby seat the following morning, packing several sets of clothes in case of emergencies, as well as some food and champagne she pilfered from the pantry.

Darcy hadn’t stopped all morning. She was buzzing with the nervous energy, washing and styling her hair and putting on makeup and picking out her outfit for the day. She kept catching her reflection and wondered if it was enough. She wanted to inspire self-confidence.

She drove to Carol’s mansion outside of the city, parking in the street and looking around when she stepped out. The front door opened and she saw Carol, her arms wide and she screamed, running toward her.

She picked Darcy up and spun her around, the pair of them laughing. Darcy knew she’d missed Carol badly, but she had no idea how Carol felt about her.

“Oh, my God!” Carol kept saying, laughing. She put her down and squinted through the window to the backseat. “Is that your little man?”

She opened the door and kissed Xander on his forehead.

“He’s so _big_. Oh, my God…”

Darcy squeezed in beside her, unbuckling the seat and pulling Xander out and hitching him on her hip. He was looking back at Carol, his fingers in his mouth.

“Say hi, bubba. This is Carol,” Darcy said.

“He looks just like you,” Carol said, smiling at him, touching his hand. “He’s so soft. Can I hold him?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, even though her heart was racing. She was swept up in her nerves but she was determined to push through it.

She handed him to Carol, going to the trunk to get out the picnic basket. Carol watched her retrieve it with little Xander in her arms.

“What did you bring? You didn’t have to do that,” Carol said, and Darcy waved a hand.

“I wanted to. Cheese and little bits.”

“Oh, my God,” Carol groaned. “My trainer is going to fucking kill you.”

She glanced at Xander, covering her mouth with her hand and giggling.

“Can I curse around him?”

“Sure. It’s nothing different to what he hears when Phil’s playing FIFA,” Darcy muttered, and Carol laughed, not understanding that Darcy wasn’t joking in the slightest.

She hoped she wouldn’t complain too much about Phil to Carol. It would be just like when she first started dating him and Carol kept telling her he wasn’t good enough. It was one of the reasons why their working relationship became so strained.

They walked up to the front door and Carol nudged it open, walking down the hall and into the kitchen, several strangers all lighting up at the sight of Xander.

“Darcy brought snacks!” Carol said, and Darcy put down the picnic basket on the kitchen bench, looking around at everyone.

She felt her face turn pink.

“Alright!” said one guy with a neck tattoo and several lip piercings.

“Brent. Watch your hands first, asshole,” said a black girl with braids, laughing at Brent. She looked inside the basket. “Ohh, bubbly?”

“Yeah, I thought people might be thirsty,” Darcy said, nodding at the few bottles that were pulled out.

There was cheese and fig jelly, little fancy cakes from a patisserie down the street from her apartment, fresh baguettes and lots of fruit.

“Holy shit, Darcy,” Brent said, impressed. “Carol, why’s she taken so long to come here?”

Carol held up Xander. “I mean…”

Everyone laughed at that and Darcy tried to relax, letting the black girl pour her a glass of champagne.

“I’m Erica.”

“Hi, I’m Darcy.”

“Yeah,” Erica said with a chuckle. “How old’s your son?”

“Two,” Darcy replied. She picked up a strawberry and bit into it.

“So you had him when you were, like, twelve?” another girl said, and Darcy laughed.

She thought she looked a little more grown up today, wearing a nice pair of boots with her fitted jeans and leather jacket. She knew she looked young for her age.

“I’ll show you the rest of the house,” Carol said, giving Xander to Erica. “Come on.”

Carol pulled Darcy along by the hand before she could protest.

She showed her the upstairs renovations, the sound studio and the new bathrooms. Darcy met several new people along the way, all different characters. Carol’s place was like a menagerie, cats and dogs running around. One girl with pink streaks in her blonde hair had a parrot sitting on her shoulder as she walked by in her bikini, on her way to the pool outside.

“The pool house, too,” Carol said. “Bucky’s staying there right now.”

“What?” Darcy said, feeling her heart in her throat. She had no idea he was staying with Carol.

“Yeah. Did he go see you at the bar?”

Darcy nodded dumbly, no longer taking in her surroundings. She touched her hair, patting it down, paranoid she’d gone frizzy.

“Let’s go back, have some cake. Ruby baked one yesterday.”

Carol kept holding her hand as they walked back, smiling at Darcy.

“I missed this,” she said, and Darcy nodded again.

“Yeah.”

They got back to the kitchen and Brent was blowing raspberries, making Xander giggle. He was the center of attention, which helped Darcy relax a bit. She sipped more champagne, sitting beside Carol at the long table.

“Can I take Xander to my room?” Erica asked, a girl called Sammy beside her. They both looked at Darcy with wide, imploring eyes.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Don’t let him ingest anything sitting around!” Carol called after them. Carol glanced at Brent. “Go get Buck, tell ‘em there’s food.”

“Is he even awake?” Brent threw back, but he was out the door to go find him.

Darcy was distracted but pretending not to be, nodding and asking Carol questions about the renovations, how long they took and so forth. She was fiddling with her necklace the whole time, waiting and waiting, anticipating feeling flustered all over again.

“Hey.”

She looked up, seeing Bucky walk in and he came over, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek.

“Hi,” Darcy replied, trying not to sound so affected.

He looked good, wearing the same jeans and boots as the last time she saw him, with a red Henley that hugged every curve of his taut muscles. She felt the beard when he kissed her, and then she knew she was blushing.

“There’s cheese and stuff,” Darcy said, pointing to the pile of stuff on the table.

He picked up a grape and threw it in his mouth, smiling at her. He kept looking at her while Carol steered the conversation back to Instagram.

“You should do a whole Amy night at that bar,” Carol said, and Darcy made a face.

“I don’t… have the range,” Darcy replied, sipping more champagne.

“I think you do,” Carol said. “Your cover was _amazing_.”

Brent made an affirmative sound, nodding with wide eyes. “You should record one here. For real.”

Carol pointed at Brent, eyes widening. “Hell fucking yes she should. Let’s do it now.”

“What?” Darcy blurted, and she heard Bucky chuckle. She glanced at him, feeling her stomach flip at the sight of that wolfish smile, those blue, blue eyes.

“Come on. Take the bubbly and we’ll go record. I’ve got guitars. Brent can do it.”

Darcy was pulled along with a champagne bottle under her arm, Bucky chuckling as he stayed at the table, eating more fruit.

“I haven’t recorded anything in five years,” Darcy said, and Carol shrugged.

“No big deal. You haven’t forgotten how to sing.”

She was shoved into the booth and she sighed, taking a greedy swig from the bottle.

Carol pressed a button and Darcy heard her over the speaker.

“Darce, come on. Pick up a guitar.”

Darcy tried to not openly glare at Carol. She always got like this, pushy, and Darcy let her every time. She thought it said more about her than Carol - that she always failed to stick up for herself.

She put down the champagne and looked at the wall of the guitars, plucking one from the middle before turning back to lift her brows in Carol’s direction.

Brent gave a thumbs-up that Carol copied.

“Go ahead, Darcy.”

Darcy lifted the guitar, plucking a couple strings awkwardly, momentarily forgetting the chords before they came back. She murmured the rest, remembering. She moved closer to the microphone, making a face.

“I don’t have headphones.”

“Just go from the heart. You didn’t have headphones in your Insta video,” Carol retorted.

She had her there. Darcy sighed.

“Okay.”

She played through the song but she refused to look at Carol, glancing instead at the floor or closing her eyes. She could feel she was holding back.

She looked over at Carol when she finished.

“Be honest.”

“It’s fine.”

“But it could be better,” Darcy said, and Brent nodded.

Carol smacked his arm and Darcy let out a breath of a laugh.

“I’ll go again.”

Darcy took a few deep breaths, thinking about that day she recorded the song and what she was feeling. She was all over the place, feeling vulnerable, feeling battered inside.

She played through it again and once she was done, she looked up, seeing Carol was grinning from ear to ear.

“Champagne!”

“Okay,” Darcy said, and she put down the guitar, reaching for the bottle again. Carol burst into the booth, hugging her.

“We should perform it together.”

Darcy’s lips parted and she was momentarily stunned.

“Please? Please, Darcy?”

“I – I … Carol,” she breathed. “It’s been so long. I’m not the same.”

“Neither am I,” Carol retorted. “But that’s a good thing.”

She waved her arms around. “We can practise here. We can work out a set list and then do a dry run somewhere.”

“You’re talking about a reunion tour, Carol,” Darcy said, and she hated that Brent could hear their conversation. “I’m not rusty. I’m… I’m not a singer anymore.”

“So you’d rather have one video on Instagram? And every time you open the app, you’ll see more comments.”

“I’m not gonna put myself through that because of a niche group –”

“We’re hardly niche, Darce!” Carol exclaimed. “Why are you resisting this? What have you got to lose?”

“Jesus Christ, Carol,” she snapped. She put down the champagne and walked out.

Carol called after her but Darcy ignored her, racing down the stairs to head to the kitchen. People were sitting around the table but there was no sign of Xander.

“Where’s my son?” she asked one girl, who shrugged.

“Who was that?” someone else asked, when Darcy was still within earshot.

Darcy burst into the garden, seeing Bucky sitting with his legs in the pool, Xander on his knee and squealing.

Darcy opened her mouth to yell at him but froze, seeing Xander was overcome with giggles as his little feet were dunked in and out of the water. Bucky glanced up at her, eyebrows lifting.

“This little guy yours?” he said, and she nodded, starting to walk over.

Darcy reached them and Bucky handed her the baby, his face changing.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” she murmured, and then she sniffled, hugging Xander to her, stroking his hair.

She did this to soothe herself, and she didn’t care anymore if someone else saw her do it. She didn’t care that her dumb little crush was seeing her as she was – weak and afraid. He was going to eventually, anyway.

“Hey,” Bucky murmured, and she glanced at him. “Did Carol do something?”

“No, she’s… it’s my fault. I should have known. Why else would she want me here?”

Bucky’s lips parted as she said this and then he sighed quietly, working his jaw.

“She try and make you agree to a tour?”

“Isn't that why she sent you to see me?” she murmured.

He didn’t look away. Darcy wasn’t used to men sustaining eye contact like that. Phil tended to clam up when she confronted him.

“Yeah. But I wanted to see you sing. I told her she had to grow up and talk to you herself,” he said. “And she wasn’t happy.”

Darcy ducked her head, nodding. “Right.”

“She does miss you.”

“I doubt that,” she murmured, smiling bitterly. “I’m not exciting.”

Bucky tilted his head and Darcy felt her stomach flip. He was looking at her more closely.

“I don’t think so,” he murmured. “Who said mamas aren’t exciting? Y’don’t sing Joni Mitchell if you’re not.”

Xander reached out and grabbed Bucky’s finger, pulling it toward him, popping it in his mouth.

“I’m – _bubba, don’t_ – he does that,” Darcy babbled, her finger going to his little lips to pry his mouth open, tugging Bucky’s finger out. “I’m sorry.”

“All good,” Bucky murmured.

Jesus, his voice. All low and masculine like that. Darcy had no idea he’d do that to her, even with her baby between them.

She let go of his finger when she realized she was still holding it. Bucky chuckled, brushing the hair out of Xander’s eyes.

“Darcy!”

She turned her head to see Carol coming out, pouting.

“I’m sorry. Please stay. We’ll make pizzas and have pot – uh, regular brownies. Regular, no-nonsense brownies,” Carol declared, walking over. “I haven’t seen you in forever and I want to get to know my nephew.”

Darcy looked at Xander. “Okay. You can help me change his diaper.”

Bucky burst out laughing at Carol’s shocked face and Darcy laughed with him, lifting up Xander. She took Carol by the wrist and walked her back to the kitchen to find her bag full of Xander’s things.

To her credit, Carol only complained a little bit. She was trying. She was horrified by how strong Xander was for his size, and how resistant he could be.

“Where’s Phil at, anyway?” Carol asked at one point, and Darcy shrugged.

“Working.”

“He still does that?” Carol said, making a face. “He doesn’t want to live off of your money?”

Darcy shot her a look. They were sitting on the floor with Xander, the baby kicking his little legs as Darcy lay on her side, propping her chin up in one hand. Carol had her electric guitar on her lap, plucking it every so often.

“He signed that pre-nup,” Darcy said. “So he’s screwed if he doesn’t have any of his own money.”

“I forgot about that,” Carol said, but Darcy didn’t believe her.

Carol was the one who told Darcy not to marry him if he was going to make such a fuss about signing a piece of paper. Phil was kind of an asshole about it still but it’d been months since he last mentioned the pre-nup.

Xander made a long babytalk yell and Carol began to laugh.

“Excuse me, sir!” she yelled, and he smiled up at her. “You’re a little prima donna.”

Darcy smoothed his thick brown hair back, sighing. “I should go soon.”

“No!” Carol whined. “Stay!”

“My husband you just mentioned will be wondering where I am.”

“Text him. What’s the big deal? He can look after himself.”

Darcy shrugged. She didn’t really want to go home. She texted him that she’d be having dinner with Carol and he should make something for himself.

There was no reply from him so she put her phone away.

“You guys want a refill?”

Darcy turned her head, seeing Bucky come in with two flutes of champagne. His eyes met Darcy’s, seeing her on the floor.

“Unless you’ve had enough.”

“She’s not drunk, she’s playing with the baby.”

“Oh, there’s a baby?” Bucky muttered, handing Carol a flute and Darcy the other. “I had no idea.”

Darcy felt herself smile and he looked at her, then Xander.

“Unless… you want something else?”

Darcy bit her lip, glancing at Carol. “What’ve you got?”

“Shiraz?” Bucky said, and Darcy felt butterflies in her stomach.

He remembered the wine she drank at the bar.

“Okay.”

Something must have shown on her face, because Carol shot her a knowing look when Bucky ducked out.

“What?” Darcy whispered. “He’s nice.”

“Hmm,” Carol said. “How is Phil?”

“I… don’t want to talk about him,” Darcy said.

Carol looked intrigued but they dropped the conversation when Bucky returned with the wine for Darcy. He lay down, Xander between him and Darcy.

Carol smirked behind them and Darcy did her best to ignore the conspiratorial glint in her eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Brie Larson singing God is a woman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-ZLq5x1ctI)
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	4. Part Four: Liability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this! ❤

**Part Four: Liability**

_This is the first time in years that the two songstresses have been photographed together, so with that being said, where are the performances we’ve been missing?_ – Billboard article, **_Do Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers Still Hang Out?_**

** _-_ **

_Darcy Lewis has kept a low profile since the GRLPWR group went on a permanent hiatus several years ago. Since then she’s been playing house, giving birth to her son Alexander Harper-Lewis in 2016. Darcy married long-time boyfriend Phil Harper in 2009, breaking hearts of GRLPWR superfans across the world. Lewis had a short stint as a solo artist, releasing two albums with her former label Hubble. Lewis currently resides in New York. – **“**_**This is What Darcy Lewis Looks Like Now”** YouTube video by Nicki Swift.

-

In the days following Darcy’s visit to Carol’s place, there were articles written, speculations made and phone calls that Darcy let go to Voicemail. She returned her mother’s first because she was still her manager, and she didn’t seem that pleased when Darcy didn’t pick up straight away.

“I’ve got to hear about you meeting with Carol from one of your cousins? I’m supposed to know about these things first. That was very inconsiderate of you, Darcy.”

She didn’t even say hello, she opened with the reprimand the second she picked up and Darcy glanced at the ceiling of the nursery, Xander in her lap on the floor.

“Hi to you, too, Mom,” she murmured, and her mother sighed on her end. “And it wasn’t a meeting. We were catching up. It’s like a zoo up there, not a lot of privacy.”

“Are you going to see her again? Gary sent me another email about a reunion –”

“I’ve got Xander to think about, Mom. And yeah, maybe I’ll see Carol again. She’s busy, though. I’m busy.”

“All you do is sit around all day, moping,” her mother retorted, and Darcy set her jaw, feeling the anger rise up in her.

She used to never get upset with her mother that way. As a kid when she was being shoved into those ridiculous costumes for the pageants her mom made her do, Darcy usually only felt anxiety. Since stopping her music career some years ago, Darcy felt she had less to lose if she stood up for herself. The problem was she still failed to do it most of the time. She blamed her post-partum issues. Presently, she was thinking of her mother throwing a tantrum.

“You make it sound like your grandson doesn’t require any attention, but he does. You told me how much work I was when I was Xander’s age.”

“I only had myself to carry the load. You have a husband.”

“Hardly,” Darcy snapped, and then she regretted it instantly.

“Darcy,” her mother said in a hushed voice. “Has something happened?”

Darcy thought of Bucky and how he was so nice to her without effort, and how the last thing Phil did for her was remember to order something for her on Amazon after reminding him twice. She slept in the nursery. He played video games and went out with work friends while she stayed home with their son. He hadn’t said a word about her singing again, he only mentioned Carol in a not altogether nice way.

“She still seeing that girl, whatsername?”

“Louisa?” Darcy asked, hoisting Xander onto her hip and cleaning his face with a baby wipe.

Phil was still eating his mac n’ cheese, sipping his beer.

“Nah, it was kinda like a dude’s name –”

“Ash?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” Phil said, and something passed over his face that made Darcy uncomfortable. The last time they saw Ash, she had a tongue ring he made a creepy comment about when they were out of earshot.

“She broke up with Ash years ago. Carol kind of… doesn’t date girls that seriously,” Darcy said, trying to put it in a way that didn’t make it seem like her friend was anymore unconventional than she already sounded. Carol didn’t have girlfriends. She had friends who were girls, and then she had friends who were girls that she fucked every so often.

Darcy was distinctly the former category, and as far as she knew, Carol had never seen her that way. Not that Darcy ever suspected it. She and Carol used to be almost sisters as teenagers.

“Damn, she must be getting all that repressed shit out of her system,” he muttered, almost wistful.

Darcy didn’t like how often he mentioned that Carol was gay. She had other parts to her identity, like the fact that she was very supportive of Darcy’s choices in life, except when it came to her marriage with Phil, not that he ever heard about that.

“She’s doing fine,” Darcy replied, sighing a little before she could stop herself. She knew Phil hated that passive aggressive crap and she bit her lip, hoping that’d be the end of it.

“Oh, come on. I’m not being a creep.”

“I didn’t say that,” Darcy replied, doing her best to sound unaffected.

Sitting on the phone with her mother now, she sighed again.

“Nothing’s happened with Phil. We’re fine.”

“Good. We don’t want that falling apart,” her mother said, which surprised Darcy. She’d never mentioned the possibility of that happening before.

Darcy thought about it sometimes – that she and Phil could stop being together – but she always went back to thinking about Xander and how it would all affect him. It would be heartbreaking, separating someone from their son, never mind what her relationship had turned into with Phil.

Darcy was lost in her thoughts when her mother added:

“It might cost you a pretty penny, even with the prenup.”

“Jesus Christ, Mom,” she snapped, and she promptly hung up, feeling her eyes sting.

She held Xander closer, brushing her lips on his little forehead as he mumbled something to himself, his picture book still open on the floor.

-

Darcy was back at Carol’s the following weekend, Xander home with Phil for the afternoon. Darcy had put aside a baked ziti with instructions for Phil to follow. She hoped he didn’t just order in like he usually did. She worried it would be both their faults if Xander grew up to be a fussy eater.

He flung a spoon at her earlier that day, smearing applesauce on her shirt, so Darcy was late. She hoped her outfit wasn’t too fancy like the last one. In all honesty, Darcy hardly knew how to dress herself anymore. She usually wore leggings all the time, and then her one nice dress for the bar. The cute jeans and jacket combo was a stroke of luck, and she couldn’t find anything as interesting.

She opted for more unisex attire, a white t-shirt and Adidas pants and black Vans. She saw Carol’s eyes rove her, flashing with approval as she opened the door for her when Darcy rung the bell.

Three dogs Darcy didn’t see the last time she was there had all come to the door, too, jumping up to try to lick her face. Darcy tried moving back and Carol laughed.

“Easy, guys, leave her alone,” she said, and she took Darcy’s hand and walked them down the hallway to the kitchen.

Darcy could hear yelling and music coming from there and readied herself for a bunch of loud people greeting her.

“Darcy’s here, guys.”

Brent came over and put her arm around her and Darcy tried to not tense straightaway, and he looked down at her outfit, eyes widening.

“You look cute. Very Danvers, actually. You trying to steal her look?”

Darcy chuckled, feeling a dozen pairs of eyes on her and she blushed.

“Uh, it’s called my kid ruined my only clean blouse.”

“It’s chic, don’t sell yourself short,” said the girl with the parrot on her shoulder Darcy saw the last time she visited. She wasn’t looking up from her phone.

“Thanks,” Darcy replied, and then she was looking around, finding herself searching for Bucky. He wasn’t in the room and she wondered if asking about him would be too obvious.

Carol handed her a beer, signalling someone Darcy hadn’t met before.

“Annie, go see Bucky, tell him there’s a band meeting in five minutes.”

Darcy stared after the girl who took off, her eyes swivelling back to Carol. Her friend run the place like she was the pack leader. It was nothing new, she’d always been a bossy child, but seeing it as an adult made Darcy smirk a little. She wondered if Carol asked Annie to jump, would the girl ask her how high?

Darcy followed the others into the living room and sat down on one of the couches, her beer in her hand and she sank her bottom lip the second she spotted Bucky coming in.

He wore a pair of worn jeans like the last time, with his beaten up boots with loose laces. His t-shirt looked old and a little torn around the neckline, but he looked so beautiful even in his crappy clothes. Darcy got the impression he could wear anything a look like sex on legs.

He met her gaze, his brows lifting and he smiled.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Darcy echoed, and he came toward her, leaning down to kiss her cheek like the last time. He touched her shoulder as well and Darcy felt her cheeks blush at the soft grip on her body.

“Where’s my buddy?” he asked in a soft voice, and Darcy smiled.

“With his dad.”

“That’s too bad,” Bucky murmured. He took the seat beside her and his arm was behind her head, making her aware of the lack of space between them, his knee bumping hers.

Carol clapped her hands, standing in front of them, all eyes on her. One of the dogs was beside her, panting happily.

“Otie, sit,” she said, and he obeyed, tail wagging. He looked like a scruffy little mutt Carol might have picked up off the street. She did that sometimes with cats, too.

Carol cleared her throat and then smiled.

“Darcy’s back, so we’ve got a chance to go through some stuff we didn’t last weekend.”

Darcy left last time pretty early because of Xander. She hated keeping him up too late. It usually messed him up the next morning and Darcy wouldn’t be able to settle him. She tended to absorb his worst emotions like a sponge.

Thinking of him with Phil in their apartment made Darcy ache but she forced herself to keep her focus on Carol in front of her.

“Darcy, we wanna welcome you to our home,” Carol said, smiling wider, hopeful.

“Okay,” Darcy said, with a nervous chuckle.

“We’ve cleared out a space upstairs and –”

“Wait,” Darcy said, attempting to cut in but Carol went on.

“- you can come and go as you please, but it’s a free space for your art, and we can work together on whatever you like. And then maybe we can get setlist together for a reunion show.”

Darcy’s mouth fell open.

“I’ve got Xander –”

“There’s enough space for him here. And there’s plenty of people willing to look after him –”

Bucky spoke up. “Carol, take it easy. Let her think it through first.”

Darcy didn’t want to cause some kind of scene but she felt obligated to agree, even if she didn’t want to. It felt a little unfair for Carol to put her on the spot like this.

“I hadn’t sung in years until just the other week,” she murmured. “I hadn’t recorded anything for five years before last weekend. I’m beyond rusty. I’ve got a toddler who I’d be neglecting for no good reason. I’m… not like you, Carol. I haven’t kept up with the trends, I can’t pretend like I know how to perform, still.”

“We’ll practise,” Carol said, like it was an easy fix.

Bucky made a face at that in the corner of Darcy’s eye and Carol tilted her head, confused.

“What? We were all talking about it. _You _said she could stay in the pool house if she needed that,” she added, talking to Bucky.

Darcy turned her head slightly to look at him and he rubbed the back of his neck, sighing.

“Yeah,” he muttered. He glanced at Darcy. “But she’s right, she’s got Xander.”

“It’s a great opportunity to –”

“Not everythin’ you say goes, Carol,” Bucky cut in, his voice firmer. “You ain’t the boss.”

“You work for me.”

“I’m your friend first,” he corrected.

Carol glared at him for a few seconds before her face fell.

“Fine. But I want to perform something together like old times.”

Darcy let her eyes fall to the floor.

“Just as long as there’s no dancing.”

“There has to be some dancing –” Carol began, but Bucky motioned locking his lips and she stopped abruptly, nodding. “Whatever you want, Darce.”

-

Darcy sat with the guitar she used last weekend with her feet crossed, plucking at it every so often. Carol leaned against another chair, her arms crossed.

“None of the old songs,” Darcy murmured.

“Why?”

“Because they’re shit,” she replied, and Carol let out a short laugh.

“Jesus. I knew you hated them, but I didn’t think you’d ever say it out loud,” she said. “If we’re not doing any old choreography or any old songs, what do we sing?”

“Covers,” Darcy said with a shrug. “People respond well to songs they already know that are actually good.”

Carol lifted a brow. “Your mom tell you that?”

Darcy paused her plucking, sighing. “No, your Instagram showed me that.”

“I sing songs I like, not because I know they’ll get views,” Carol retorted.

“Bullshit,” Darcy muttered, and Carol laughed again.

They went quiet again, Darcy’s hand running up and down, not playing anything in particular. She fiddled with the pick, sighing.

“If we get a decent enough response, maybe we can try out a one-night-only type of thing,” Darcy murmured. “I don’t want time away from Xander.”

“You’d take him with you, if it was a full-blown reunion tour,” Carol said, and Darcy shot her another annoyed look. “He’d be fine. Honestly.”

“I would have thought you’d be sensitive to children on the road,” Darcy muttered, barely loud enough for Carol to hear, and her friend frowned deeper.

“Hey. You’re his mom. That’s a lot better than what you or I ever got,” she snapped.

Darcy dropped her gaze, sighing.

Carol was right. Darcy’s mom had pushed, pushed, _pushed_ her into everything. The pageants, the singing, the _Hubble_ deal, the massive tours. Darcy became the breadwinner, burdened with her mother’s mortgage by the time she was fifteen. Carol’s parents let her follow her dreams, only to reject her when she officially came out post GRLPWR. She was out of the closet years before, her parents refusing to validate her, threatening her with Hell and damnation and all of that.

Darcy had no idea when Carol last saw her family, and she felt like an asshole for thinking her arrangement now was bizarre, the collection of young people all living under the same roof. She knew Carol couldn’t stand being alone.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” Darcy murmured.

There was a beat and Carol relaxed, coming back to the present. Darcy took a deep breath and gripped her pick a little tighter.

“Maybe bring Bucky in here and we can sing?”

Carol burst into a smile. “Alright! I’ll come back.”

Darcy waited, plucking again, trying to think of what they could sing in a video. Darcy began tuning her guitar and then considered going and finding Carol, only for her friend to appear with Bucky, looking excited.

“So, what’s the plan?” Carol said, clapping her hands together. “A little Ariana Grande, or something a bit more rock, or -?”

Darcy glanced at Bucky, who carried his own guitar that Darcy recognised from a video she saw on Carol’s Instagram.

“Can I just do some practising?” Darcy murmured, and Bucky looked at her, nodding.

“Yeah, we don’t have to record anything too soon,” Carol said. “We can get our vocals right.”

She dashed off again without a word and Darcy blinked at Bucky.

“Is she on something?” she muttered, and he sighed.

“Probably. But sometimes _I_ can’t even tell. She’s high on life,” he muttered. He cleared his throat, sitting down on another stool.

Carol returned with a bottle of whisky, her smile wide. Darcy’s eyes widened as Carol poured out three shots.

“I haven’t had much to eat today,” Darcy murmured, feeling like such a square.

“Have one later then.”

Darcy hesitated, before moving toward the glasses, picking one up.

“What the fuck, let’s go,” she muttered, and she threw the shot back as Carol laughed.

Bucky came up behind her and grabbed his own, copying her. Darcy watched his throat work as he swallowed but Carol took no notice.

Darcy sat down again, watching Bucky’s feet close to hers.

“What’s a song you’ve always wanted to perform but never could?” Carol asked.

Darcy glanced at the ceiling, contemplating.

“Well…”

“Not something you’ve performed already at the bar. It has to be something different.”

“Why?” Darcy said, making a face. “Why can’t it just be Joni Mitchell?”

“Because this is us getting back into it, doing something new together to mark the occasion,” Carol retorted. “A dirty song, even.”

“What?” Darcy said, and Bucky chuckled.

“You’ve had a kid. We’re both over 25, we can sing dirty songs, Darce,” Carol said, and Darcy was tempted to roll her eyes. “I don’t even think I’ve heard you curse in a song before.”

Darcy felt herself blush and she looked at her guitar, wanting to sulk.

“So what’s a song -?”

Darcy cut Carol off.

“_Closer_ by Nine Inch Nails.”

She took her time looking up, gauging Carol’s reaction.

“That’s… I mean, that’s a good one,” Carol said. “We’ll do that.”

Darcy started them off with the chords and Carol sat back, watching. Bucky was able to play along with her through the instrumentals but Darcy hesitated, sighing.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said it’d been a while.”

“Then hop in the booth and sing, no guitar,” Carol said, pointing behind them. “We can coach you through it.”

Darcy glanced at Bucky, who’d stopped playing as well.

“Whatever you want,” he added, and Darcy closed her eyes for a few seconds.

She put down her guitar without another word, picking up the whisky and uncorking it, putting it to her lips and taking a greedy swig. She walked off into the recording booth, running her hands through her hair as she watched Carol and Bucky move to the control room beyond the glass.

Bucky leaned back with his arms crossed, Carol sat on the chair and put her mouth close to the mic.

“You can just freestyle, Darce! Have fun with it!”

Darcy grimaced. “What?”

She hated improvising. She was always terrible at it. She was bad at choreography and she was bad at going off the cuff.

“You did really well last time. Didn’t she, Buck?”

Carol looked at Bucky so Darcy did the same.

“Yeah,” he said, and Carol gave a thumbs-up.

“Fuck,” Darcy whispered, wringing her hands. “Okay. Just. Don’t laugh.”

“Why would we laugh?” Carol said, who was already giggling.

“Just don’t. And maybe I’ll just sing something old and pretty.”

“Darcy, it’s about you doing something challenging,” Carol cut in again.

“Okay!” Darcy yelled, her arms up. “Do you want to direct my mouth, too? Put your hand up my ass like a ventriloquist?”

Bucky began to laugh long and loud and Darcy froze, staring at him as he clutched his belly, Carol looking at him, too. He kept laughing until he wiped his eyes, shaking his head.

“Go ahead,” he called, and Darcy glanced away, thinking.

She closed her eyes, taking a few steady breaths. She tried to think of the nursery, when she’d sing to Xander the little nursery rhymes. That wouldn’t do. She then thought of Phil, alone with Xander, and how she wished it was her. She missed her son so badly when she’d only left him a couple hours ago.

She moved back into the adjacent room, picking up a guitar and going back to the booth, sitting down.

“Okay.”

She cleared her throat, glancing up. She found herself staring right back at Bucky and she kept her eyes on him for a couple seconds longer, feeling something tighten in her chest. She began to strum a few scant notes, moving toward the mic.

_Baby really hurt me_  
_ Crying in the taxi_  
_ He don't wanna know me_  
_ Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm_  
_ Says it was poison_

Darcy tried her best to not stray from the right notes but it was harder, using her voice in a full-bodied way. She knew she was better at it than Carol, but Carol always sung with confidence. Darcy knew she nearly always sounded sad.

_So I guess I'll go home_  
_ Into the arms of the girl that I love_  
_ The only love I haven't screwed up_  
_ She's so hard to please_  
_ But she's a forest fire_  
_ I do my best to meet her demands_  
_ Play at romance, we slow dance_  
_ In the living room, but all that a stranger would see_  
_ Is one girl swaying alone_  
_ Stroking her cheek_

She took a second to scratch her nose, feeling herself tingle all over.

_They say, "You're a little much for me_  
_ You're a liability_  
_ You're a little much for me"_  
_ So they pull back, make other plans_  
_ I understand, I'm a liability_  
_ Get you wild, make you leave_  
_ I'm a little much for_  
_ E-a-na-na-na, everyone_

Darcy heard Carol turn on her mic.

“Darce, are you okay?”

Darcy blinked, realizing she’d teared up. She wiped her eyes.

“Yeah, I wanna keep going.”

“Wait a sec.”

She looked up, wondering what Carol wanted and she saw Bucky come into the room with his guitar.

“I don’t need –”

“I can do it,” he said softly. “You keep singin’.”

“Okay,” she murmured. She put down the guitar, trying to find her place.

_The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy_  
_'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore_  
_And then they are bored of me_

She felt a sob leave her and she sucked in a breath, deciding to not keep quiet, instead balling her hands into fists, squeezing her eyes shut.

_I know that it's exciting_  
_ Running through the night, but_  
_ Every perfect summer's_  
_ Eating me alive until you're GONE!_

Darcy gasped, dropping her voice to move on.

_Better on my own…_

Darcy wiped her eyes with a rough wipe on her hand.

_They say, "You're a little much for me_  
_ You're a liability_  
_ You're a little much for me"_  
_ So they pull back, make other plans_  
_ I understand, I'm a liability_  
_ Get you wild, make you leave_  
_ I'm a little much for_  
_ E-a-na-na-na, everyone_

Darcy’s voice had become so small that Bucky almost drowned her out with his soft guitar but she kept going, knowing it was the end.

_They're gonna watch me_  
_Disappear into the sun_  
_ You're all gonna watch me_  
_ Disappear into the sun…_

Darcy let the note fall away from her mouth and she heard Bucky stop, the air taut with what had just transpired, Darcy’s throat feeling tight with emotion.

“Holy shit,” Bucky whispered.

A few more seconds passed and Carol began to cheer, and Darcy glanced her way, seeing her bouncing up and down, clapping her hands.

“You were amazing! You’re a fucking rockstar!”

Darcy let out a puff of air, something close to a laugh but not quite. She dared to look at Bucky, whose eyes were looking at her intently, as if he saw someone else.

“She’s not lying just to make me feel better?” Darcy whispered, and he shook his head, looking dazed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Phil's last name was previously listed as Parker but I changed it to Harper. Xander's full name is Alexander Philip Harper-Lewis.  
[my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	5. Part Five: Videophone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda turning up the angst from now on. There's your warning.

**Part Five: Videophone**

**CAROL:** We’re both fifteen. But I’m older. About six months older, and – and –

**DARCY:** She never lets me forget it.

**INTERVIEWER:** Do you think that means a certain dynamic for you two, if Carol’s a leader, and –

**CAROL:** She’s my sister. It’s not like I’m the boss, I’m just loud. I talk too much. Darcy’s usually sitting with her guitar practising while I’m running my mouth. You could switch off the camera and I’d just keep talking. It’s totally annoying.

**INTERVIEWER:** So is that typical day for you? Classes and practising music?

**DARCY:** Dancing, too.

**CAROL:** Yeah, we dance for two hours a day, too.

**INTERVIEWER:** You girls get a chance to relax every once in a while? Do normal kid stuff?

**DARCY:** Um…

**CAROL:** Yeah, but it’s different. We can’t go hang out at the mall. We sometimes have water fights. Try to prank the back-up dancers.

**INTERVIEWER:** Last question – how long do you think you’ll do this together? Perform and record together?

**CAROL:** Forever.

**DARCY:** Totally.

**CAROL:** We’ll do this when we’re… married and stuff. I don’t want it to ever stop.

\- Extract from the **_Carol Danvers E! True Hollywood Story_**

-

_“I never expected this from the same girl whose discography includes a sweeter than honey cover of Santa Baby, and her aptly penned Oops, There Goes My Heart. She can go hard. I remember her shit being sold in Target, man. She was hot but totally, totally manufactured. If only we got this back then. Things would have been so much cooler and then they might not have fizzled out like they did.”_

_“She makes me feel old, man. She’s got a kid. Where the fuck does the time go?”_

-

Darcy was digging through her cupboard and found a bunch of GRLPWR products she forgot about. The pink glittery nail polish with Carol’s face on it, the black glittery one with Darcy’s face on it. The body spray that smelt like bubble gum and hairspray, vaguely alcoholic with how it lingered in her nose, making her shudder. A photo album with picture after picture of GRLPWR on tour. Backstage polaroids. Carol’s boyfriend Lucas that she only dated because _Hubble_ were concerned about their image. Darcy’s fan base was predominantly male and she didn’t have to try. _Hubble_ told her to try and “tone down” her look, meaning Darcy had to wear two pairs of sports bras and nothing showing her cleavage. 

Darcy went down memory lane because she was trying to find a shirt she remembered wearing as a kid that she’d kept. She would have remembered tossing it if she hadn’t. She finally found it, pulling off her plan t-shirt to swap it.

“Hey – oh.”

Darcy turned around, seeing Phil standing there with Xander in his arms, his eyes a little wider at the sight of Darcy in her bra.

“What’s up?” Darcy murmured, pulling on the old shirt, sniffing it. It smelt vaguely musty but it wasn’t gross.

“Your phone rang. Your mom,” Phil said. He kept looking at her and Darcy blinked a couple times, waiting. “Some TV show wants you –”

“No, I’m not doing appearances,” she replied, taking Xander in her arms.

“It’s not like you got ugly or fat,” Phil said, and Darcy’s eyebrows hiked. He turned awkward. “I mean, in case you were self-conscious about that still.”

“I’m shy,” Darcy said, lifting one shoulder to shrug. “It’s not like I don’t know how to do my job. I did live TV before I hit puberty –”

“Okay,” Phil cut her off, sharp. “I’m not your secretary. Talk to her yourself.”

“You’re my husband, she’s your mother-in-law,” Darcy retorted.

They glared at one another and Darcy felt something inside snap off, like she could no longer pretend she liked being around him. They hadn’t been openly hostile to one another in months. Darcy liked the idea of not having to fake her feelings anymore. If he pissed her off, he was going to know.

The online response to the song she and Carol performed together was massive. Darcy’s favourite part was the reveal – she was off-screen doing back-up singing, until the camera swung over to her and she felt powerful, strong. She may have been wearing two pairs of spanx under her little jumpsuit with her tits pushed to her chin but she hit every note, made Bucky clutch his chest a couple times off camera. She liked the world she and Carol created at her house with all the runaway creative types.

“You call her a bitch all the time, don’t act like I’m the bad guy,” Phil said. “I think she made a couple valid points, anyway.”

“Like what?” Darcy asked, her voice flat. “I should put some clothes on or something?”

“You can’t act like Carol. You never could,” Phil said with a shrug. “I used to love that about you, that you were your own person.”

“I am my own person,” Darcy snapped.

Phil sighed, turning and leaving the room. She followed him, carrying Xander.

“It was my idea to do the song.”

Phil didn’t sound convinced. “Really? Why?”

“It’s fun. It’s sexy. It’s –” Darcy felt her face flush. “I just wanted to do something for me. They want to do a trail concert in a few weeks, so I’ll be –”

“Wait. Where does that leave me?” Phil interjected. “I’m meant to stay here with our son while you go have fun with Aunt Carol?”

Darcy glanced at the ceiling.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, Darcy,” Phil said. “That is incredibly rude.”

That was the idea, Darcy thought, but she didn’t say it out loud.

“I wasn’t. I was just looking up. And it’s not like you don’t do things with your friends. I barely go out. I need this. I… _need_ this.”

She hated that she couldn’t say more to convey how important it was to her. She wished he’d just listen.

“Who was that guy leaving comments on your photos today?” Phil asked, and Darcy went still, Xander mumbling something and grabbing a fistful of her hair.

She tugged it out of his grip awkwardly, hoping her face didn’t betray her.

“Who?”

“That… long-haired douchebag. He hangs around with Carol,” Phil said, placing his hands on his hips.

Darcy frowned. “You mean Bucky?”

“His name is Bucky?” Phil said, scoffing. “Is his dad John Wayne?”

“What have you got against him leaving comments on my shit?” Darcy snapped. “He’s really nice guy.”

Phil scoffed again, shaking his head. He kept walking to the office where he’d paused a game. He sat down but Darcy stayed in the room.

“I’m sure he’s… nice to you,” Phil said. He glanced at Darcy’s ample chest for a second. “Was the costume his idea? Or was it one of Carol’s gay minions?”

“It was my idea,” Darcy hissed. “And he’s _my_ friend, too.”

“You don’t have the best taste in friends, Darce,” Phil murmured, sounding like he pitied her and Darcy grit her teeth.

“No, I just have a terrible taste in men,” she snapped, and she turned her heel, stalking out of the room with Xander.

A few minutes later, she heard the front door slam, signifying her husband’s departure. Darcy tried to not let it get to her, but she listened out for him the rest of the night.

The following morning he was gone, the bed unmade. Darcy went in there to pick up the clothes and put on a load of laundry. She found the shirt he wore yesterday and sighed, feeling like he was punishing her by not bothering to ball it up and throw it in the hamper in the corner of the bedroom. She paused when she smelt something in the air, something different to Phil’s scent.

She slowly put the shirt closer to her nose and breathed deeply, detecting something sweet and sultry. It wasn’t a cologne Phil had. Darcy went to the hamper and found his jeans from yesterday, pulling them out and checking them for anything suspicious.

And then she found a little dot, completely innocuous to someone who’d never dealt with ejaculate getting on clothes. Darcy stared at it, feeling the hurt forming deep inside her chest. The stain was on the inside of his jeans. There was another scent mingling that had the world turn on its head the second it hit Darcy. Musky and female, an intimate smell.

_He’s cheating on you._

Did he leave it there for her to find? Was he not even trying to pretend he was faithful to her? When they first got together when Darcy was eighteen he didn’t want it to be exclusive, and Darcy remembered wishing he’d be hers and hers alone. This was different. It wasn’t just Darcy’s pride. They had a son.

Maybe she was seeing and smelling things she wanted to notice. She might be making shit up. It wouldn’t be the first time. She never outright accused him but Phil told her ‘not to worry’ when his blonde colleague tried to kiss him at a Christmas party with Darcy on the other side of the room watching them.

Darcy left the dirty clothes. She packed two bags. One for her and one for Xander, and left the apartment for Carol’s ten minutes later.

-

She told Carol she’d be there that afternoon, she only hoped that people wouldn’t already be too rowdy by the time she got there. She rang the doorbell, waiting for someone to answer as she could hear the music blasting from beyond.

Eventually, the front door opened, Bucky standing there with a beer bottle in one hand and a lit cigarette in his mouth. He immediately took it out, exhaling behind him away from Darcy and Xander.

“Hey, it’s you,” he said, and he smiled down at her. He leaned one arm against the doorway and Darcy tried her best to smile back.

Bucky flicked the cigarette, stamping it out as he picked up Darcy’s bags, despite her protesting.

“You don’t have to do any heavy lifting here,” he said, and he glanced at Xander. “Hey, bubba. You wanna do some counting?”

Xander looked a little shy but then burst into a smile, lifting up his plush Mickey covered in teething marks.

“It’s Mickey!”

Darcy kissed his little cheek, thankful for the buffer. She followed Bucky indoors. She smelt booze and weed burning mixed with incense and chlorine from the pool. She rose her hand to wave at Brent who was sitting in one of the deck chairs with some other people Darcy had never seen before. Darcy could hear the version of _Videophone_ she and Carol covered in their guerrilla video clip playing from somewhere. Once she reached the pool house, the sound was much quieter, and she set Xander down on Bucky’s made bed.

Darcy sat on the edge of the bed, Bucky doing the same, Xander behind them and murmuring to himself.

Darcy could remember the first time she was ever drunk. It was with Carol on tour when they were sixteen. She’d had several screwdrivers and threw up in the tour bus bathroom and she was miserable afterwards. She only did it to try and fit in with Carol. It seemed like Carol hadn’t toned that part of her down even after so many years.

“I didn’t plan on bringing him,” Darcy murmured to Bucky.

“Everythin’ okay?” he asked.

Darcy glanced out the screen door, seeing someone jump into the pool in their clothes, splashing Brent. She considered how to answer the question.

“I dunno,” she said eventually, her voice small. She looked over at Xander. “I feel bad for him, having to see me like this.”

Darcy thought of Phil’s dirty clothes and burst into tears, covering her mouth and squeezing her eyes shut. She startled when she felt Bucky put a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I hate being like this,” she whispered. “I’m a mess.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said, and Darcy looked right at him, her guts twisting.

He was looking at her differently and she blushed, shaking her head.

“I feel like you know everything about me. I know nothing about you.”

He gave a little smile. “Not much to tell. My sister’s jealous of me, though.”

Darcy sniffled, but she didn’t feel so raw. “Why?”

“Huge fan of yours especially,” he replied. “I used to take her to get the CDs each time you guys came out with a new one. We’d scrape together her allowance and she never had enough. She liked buying Popsicles too much.”

Darcy chuckled. “She sounds adorable.”

“She’s a pain in my ass,” Bucky replied, but he was smiling wider. “You signed a CD for her once, when we managed to get a space in the line.”

Darcy remembered those signings, how she’d sweat all over, hoping that one day she’d get better at interacting with strangers. She never did. She didn’t see it as anxiety back then, instead just her being immature. Darcy knew if Xander was ever shy or quiet she’d never bully him into being more sociable. She knew that shit never deterred her nervousness.

“When was that?”

Bucky looked up, trying to remember. “Uh… 2007 maybe? It was that space album, you and Carol in those cute astronaut getups.”

Darcy tried to not linger on him calling her cute but she smiled, ducking her head.

“I hated that album.”

“Me, too,” Bucky said, and Darcy burst out laughing. “Except through conditionin’ I didn’t mind it so much. Becca played it non-stop for months.”

“How long have you been with Carol?” Darcy asked. She felt Xander kick her a couple times and glanced at him, seeing him grinning up at her, swinging Mickey in the air.

“Three – no- four years. Shit. Time flies,” Bucky said. He cleared his throat. “I did a stint on the _Tonight Show_. Playing backup’s been my thing for a while.”

Darcy didn’t find much when she Googled him a couple weeks ago, her curiosity getting the better of her. She nodded.

“How’d you meet?”

“Coachella. She hit on my friend right in front of me,” Bucky said, and Darcy laughed again. “Talked to me like she’d known me my whole life.”

“Yeah, she does that,” Darcy murmured. Xander kicked her again. She grabbed his little leg with one hand, eyebrows hiking. “Bubba, what’s up?”

“Pool time?” Bucky said, and Xander lit up, scooting himself closer to the edge of the bed.

He stood up awkwardly, Bucky and Darcy watching him. Darcy was feeling better with each passing second with Bucky and Xander getting along so well. Her son promptly rose his little hand and slapped the back of Bucky’s head, unprovoked.

Bucky snorted, clutching his head. “Jesus.”

“Xander, be nice!” Darcy chided, but she began to laugh as well. “You wanna go in the pool, we’ve gotta change you, first.”

“No!” Xander yelled. “Pool!”

“Unless you wanna go nude, but I don’t recommend it, bubba,” Bucky said, Xander’s little face close to his. He got another little slap and Bucky moved his head back, laughing. “Alright.”

Darcy pulled Xander away, grabbing his bag and fishing out some little shorts for him to wear. Bucky left them to let Carol know they’d arrived and Darcy kissed Xander over and over, smelling his hair while he tried to wriggle away.

Darcy changed into the old t-shirt she found yesterday, pulling it over her black one-piece. She took Xander’s hand and walked out into the sun, shielding her eyes with her hand.

“Hey!”

Carol came over, pulling Darcy into a tight hug. “Bucky said you brought some bags, are you staying a while?”

“Maybe, I think,” Darcy said, and she was sure Carol wanted to ask more, like what prompted it.

Darcy wandered over to the shallow end and dipped her feet in, Xander doing the same. He began kicking, splashing water and Darcy copied him. Carol stood by, talking about who was there. Darcy didn’t know any of the names though she expected she should have, she just wasn’t in the know.

“We’re gonna set up the projector to watch our old songs. And _Videophone_,” Carol said, and Darcy made a face.

“I better be drunk by that point,” Darcy muttered.

Carol put up her hand, using her other to point Darcy out.

“Someone write that down! Darcy needs to be drunk! It’s set in stone!”

Darcy rolled her eyes but she laughed, readjusting the little floaties she stuck Xander’s arms through. She settled into the water on her knees, Xander squealing as he tried taking off.

“Darcy’s getting drunk,” Carol said, and Darcy glanced up, seeing Bucky was back.

He wasn’t wearing a shirt and Darcy stared a little too long, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks when she looked away.

“Oh?” Bucky said. “What do you want to drink?”

“Vodka,” Darcy said, keeping it simple.

“Okay. Be right back,” Bucky said.

It was that simple. He never asked too many questions, didn’t try and make her change her mind. Whatever she wanted from him, she got. Darcy watched him go, glancing at his rear end in those swimming shorts he wore.

“Is it Phil?” Carol asked, and Darcy’s eyes snapped up to meet hers, her lips parting.

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing. It’s stupid,” Darcy said with a little sigh.

She knew if she got into it now, she’d be a miserable mess and she’d lock herself in the pool house and refuse to come out.

-

Bucky handed her a crystal tumbler with ice and clear liquid, smiling at her.

“There you go. Vodka soda.”

“Thank you,” Darcy said, a little smile. She was aware of Carol watching her even though she’d left her alone to chat with Brent and the others. She sipped it appreciatively.

Bucky nodded at Xander.

“Is he good? We’ve got juice and milk.”

Darcy shook her head. “I got his water somewhere –”

Bucky picked up the little sippy cup and Darcy smiled. “Thank you.”

“No problem. I like your shirt.”

Darcy glanced down, remembering what she was wearing.

“Oh, thanks. It’s old.”

It was a Stooges shirt. She used to wear it every day like it was a little security blanket she wrapped herself in. She tried to channel a little of Iggy Pop in her teenage performances. She never went as far as him, but she liked the idea that she could pretend to be someone else, someone bigger than herself.

“Go do whatever,” she added. “I’m fine.”

“I wanna hang out,” he said, and he sat down at the edge of the pool, lowering himself into the water.

He sucked in a breath and dove down. He resurfaced beside Xander and the toddler began to squeal in delight, and Bucky smiled at him, slicking back his wet hair.

“Hey, bubba.”

“Bucky,” Xander said, and then he splashed him with a little kick.

Darcy stayed in the water for some time, letting Bucky look after Xander as they floated together, chatting. Xander told him stories in broken baby talk and Darcy leaned against the edge, sipping her drink.

At one point, Carol came over, sipping a beer. 

“You gonna adopt him?” Carol said to Bucky, who had Xander on his shoulders.

“Maybe,” Bucky called back, and Darcy smiled wider.

As the afternoon turned into night, Darcy was fed drinks every so often, feeling her limbs get looser, her skin warmer. At one point, Carol took a photo with her, both their gazes unfocused.

“I’m fucked up,” Darcy half-whispered with a giggle that Carol mimicked.

“We’re getting there, huh?”

Darcy nodded. “Can we watch _Videophone_ again?”

Darcy managed to get out of the pool with Xander while Carol and a couple of her friends set up the projector. She took Xander out, going back to the pool house to change them both into dry clothes. Her movements were clumsy and Darcy realized she hadn’t been this far gone in a while. She was sure she’d only had a few drinks but it all hit her when she walked back to Bucky’s side, wearing her sweatpants and soft baggy t-shirt.

Carol had everyone cheering by the time they played _Videophone_ on the big screen. The clip started off with Carol in a tiny black sports bra and matching black bike shorts, snapping bubble-gum and dancing with little circles of her hips.

Darcy blushed when it got to her part. It felt like time was going quicker.

_You my phone star_  
_And I'm happy when my lights flashin'_  
_ 'Cause you on my receiver_

She looked fresh-faced and glowy, her hair tussled over one shoulder. Darcy liked how effortless she made it seem, when in reality they practised the song over and over for hours at a time. Darcy held a supersoaker in one hand, pointing at Carol as she jerked her head in time to the heavier beats.

_Hubba, hubba_ _  
Honey, baby is so sexy that he should win an Oscar_

“Go off, Dee!” Carol yelled, and Darcy snorted into her new drink. Xander was barely paying attention, and Bucky kept pointing to the screen in front of them.

“That’s your mama. Look! Makin’ mommy moves.”

Darcy met his gaze and she smiled, sipping. His eyes dipped to her mouth and Darcy missed the rest of her part, Carol and her friends breaking into applause when it was over.

-

Darcy and Bucky put Xander to bed after she fed him a sandwich she packed earlier. She planned on joining the toddler in a couple hours. Something told her not to turn in so early, so she went back out with Bucky, his hand touching the small of her back when he led her to the kitchen.

“You got something I can smoke?” she murmured, and he pursed his lips.

“You’ll have to be specific.”

“I don’t mean tobacco,” Darcy said slowly. “I even sound like a fucking narc.”

He broke into a wolfish smile. “Nah, you’ve just got to ease into it.”

He left and came back, sitting her down and rolling her a joint. Darcy watched his deft fingers, his tongue when he licked the paper. He handed it to her, pulling out a lighter and cupping the flame.

“There you go,” he murmured.

Darcy inhaled, holding the smoke. He watched her face, flicking the lighter shut. Darcy exhaled through her nose, handing him the joint. They took turns in silence, and it was only them sitting in the kitchen, until Brent came in, smiling.

“Wow. Hello, Miss Thing. You hiding away in here with him?” he said, and Darcy exchanged a look with Bucky.

“Keeping him company, yeah,” she murmured.

She didn’t remember Brent leaving but she glanced away from Bucky, seeing they were alone again.

“I think I’m high.”

Bucky chuckled, the sound making warmth pool in Darcy’s gut. A warm, pleasurable thing she wished she could act on.

“Fuck, I’m so high,” she whispered. She rubbed her eyes, feeling her skin stretched. “I wanna dance.”

“Okay,” Bucky replied.

“I wanna dance with you,” she said, and she tugged his other hand, pulling him out of his chair, walking toward the exit.

The music they were playing outdoors was too fast for Darcy’s liking but she tugged Bucky closer, her hands around his neck, and his hands slipped down to her waist, their hips bumping.

She could smell him better this close. He smelt of chlorine and something fresh – his cologne. He must have spritzed it earlier, and Darcy breathed him in, staring up at him.

“Yeah, I think you’re high,” he whispered, and he reached to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

She really wanted to kiss him. So much so that she wasn’t sure if even picturing it was a good idea. Reality and daydreams seemed to blend together. She wasn’t sure if she was seeing everything or if she’d imagined it, but his gaze was more intense than usual. She thought of Phil then, with the jizz in his pants, the smell of some other woman’s musk filling Darcy’s nose.

-

Darcy woke the next morning beside Xander, the toddler pulling her hair. She grumbled, sitting up. She squinted at the glass door, seeing someone sleeping in a deckchair next to the pool.

She didn’t remember falling asleep. She moved to grab her phone that she’d left facedown on the bedside table, turning it over to check the time.

There was a new text from Phil. It was something small and vague, a check-in text about Xander. Darcy felt a wave of guilt, thinking of her dancing with Bucky so close.

She went to her Instagram and saw a few new photos she was tagged in.

The one that made her pause was uploaded to Bucky’s account. It was her sitting with Xander in her lap, the caption underneath:

** _This girl._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. And before you @ me about Darcy bringing her baby to a party, she's not doing so great, and these people aren't the worst types to be near her son. I don't want anyone thinking I'm condoning drunk/stoned parenting, but Darcy needed to let loose, and Xander was relatively safe.  
[my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	6. Part Six: I Only Have Eyes For You

**Part Six: I Only Have Eyes For You**

_“Respect is one of life’s greatest treasures. I mean, what does it all add up to if you don’t have that_?” – Marilyn Monroe

-

Darcy had a shower, leaving Phil on read. By the time she got back to her phone, the photo Bucky tagged her in the night before had disappeared. Darcy felt her heart sink, wondering what prompted him to erase it.

She packed up her things and carried Xander out into the yard, glancing around to see empty beer bottles on every surface, with a few random people lying with their faces in the grass. She slipped into the kitchen and saw Carol sitting at the island, a cup of coffee beside her as she scrolled through her phone. She glanced up, looking far less lively than last night, creases under her eyes.

“Hey,” she said, her voice cracked. “You guys going already?”

“Probably should,” Darcy said. She hoisted Xander higher on her hip, feeling weighed down by the two bags she was carrying.

Carol got up from her seat, taking one of the bags. Darcy felt the urge to explain her decision. When she woke up moments ago, she felt anxious. She felt as though she didn’t belong there. She knew being reminded of her husband triggered it. All the good feelings from yesterday were gone, and she knew it was partly because there was no sign of Bucky.

“I didn’t see…”

Carol glanced at her as they walked down the hallway to the front door.

“Where’d Bucky go?” Darcy asked, and Carol shrugged.

“Probably went to find Madison or Carli,” she murmured.

Darcy had no idea who those two people were, but she remembered dancing with Bucky and closed her eyes for a second, feeling a little sick.

She was a messy, pathetic little girl pretending to be an adult. She needed to grow the fuck up and take her kid home, look after him and stop thinking about Bucky Barnes.

“See you soon,” Carol said. She was quieter than usual.

Darcy pulled her into a hug and Carol pulled back, giving a smile.

“Are you okay?” Darcy asked, and Carol’s brows lifted.

“Yeah, just a little hungover.”

Darcy heard a voice behind Carol and her friend turned, revealing a girl with purple Dutch braids, wearing a long t-shirt and not much else.

“Darcy, right?”

“Darcy, this is Lydia,” Carol said, and Darcy gave a little wave. “She came by… late last night.”

“Didn’t get a chance to meet you!” Lydia said. She gave Xander a little wave.

Darcy exchanged a glance with Carol. No wonder her friend wasn’t trying to make her stay. She was probably planning to throw out her little booty call before Darcy could stall it somehow.

“I’m leaving,” Darcy said, seeing Carol look at the floor. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye,” Carol murmured.

Lydia called after her as Darcy walked to her car.

“Nice to meet you!”

-

Darcy kept checking her Instagram to see if Bucky was liking any posts. So far there was no activity. When she got back to the apartment, she did the laundry she abandoned yesterday, sitting Xander down in front of the TV to watch _Peppa Pig_.

Darcy cut up some fruit, cleaned the bathroom, folded blankets. She finally sat with Xander, feeling restless. She kept checking her phone.

Only a few weeks ago, she would have felt burdened with responsibility, but now she felt as though everything she needed to get done was under control. She replied to Phil’s message.

** _Just got home. What do you want for dinner?_ **

A few minutes later she got the irritating reply:

** _Idk. Whatever you want_ **

Darcy knew there were wrong answers to her question, so now she was going to have to guess what Phil was in the mood for. Nothing too wholesome, or fresh. She thought about going out and buying the ingredients to make a lasagne from scratch. She chewed her lip, thinking about all the ways that could go wrong.

She procrastinated by checking Instagram again, seeing someone leaving comments on nearly every one of her photos from the last year. Darcy checked the account, seeing it was Lydia. She made a face, seeing her leave way too many comments on Carol’s pictures, too.

“Yikes.”

“Yikes,” Xander parroted, and Darcy sighed.

She packed a bag and took the elevator down, deciding to walk to the markets to buy what she needed for dinner. She got there without much issue, Xander pointing at everything while Darcy tried to weave through the crowds. She kept glancing around, touching her sunglasses. She didn’t think it was likely anyone would recognise her.

There was a distinct click of shutters and she turned her head towards the sound, seeing a man holding a camera. She put her hand up to shield Xander’s face.

“Please don’t take photos of my son!” she called out.

The guy took another photo and she stiffened at the sound.

“Hey! Don’t take his picture! He’s a child –”

The man took two more of Darcy pointing at him with a scowl on her face. She let out a huff and stalked off down the street, hearing the guy following her, his camera clicking over and over.

Darcy began to cry when she reached the apartment building, the doorman blocking the guy with the camera. She stabbed the button for the elevator, checking Xander. He seemed fine, watching the numbers slowly change. When they reached their floor, Darcy sat Xander back in front of the TV and sat behind him, staring at the floor.

Phil came home hours later, and Darcy stared at him when he asked when dinner would be ready.

“Darce?”

“Get your own,” she snapped, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

“What the fuck did I do?” he yelled, and Xander jumped at the sound, before bursting into tears.

Darcy picked up Xander and took him to the nursery to settle him.

-

Darcy stayed in the nursery for nearly two whole days, only leaving to get what she needed for Xander or to use the bathroom. She sipped coffee and nibbled bits of toast, but she otherwise had no appetite. Phil didn’t come by to ask about her, as far as he knew she was upset with him.

She saw the photos were published online. She ignored the texts and calls from her mother. She rebuffed Carol’s attempts as well.

Phil finally knocked on the door, opening it before Darcy answered him.

“Darce, is Xander okay?”

Darcy glared at him, narrowing her eyes. “Why, are you having flashbacks?”

She was referring to the days when she was so depressed that all she managed to do was breastfeed Xander and sob, never showering, never not touching her son all day.

“Do you need to call Alice?”

Alice was her therapist.

“No.”

“Darcy…”

“Please leave me alone. Go out, do something. Don’t stay here because of me.”

Phil sighed. “I can’t let you do this every time you have a bad day. The world doesn’t stop for you.”

Darcy felt anger burst through her haze and she stood up, turning toward him. She knew she needed to shower. She’d sweated through the shirt ten times over since the market.

“I know it doesn’t! I just want to keep Xander safe. You’re a grown man, you don’t need me looking after you.”

He looked hurt by that. “You’re my wife, we’re meant to be partners.”

Darcy felt tears well in her eyes and spill over in seconds.

“Yeah!” she said, nodding with wild eyes. “We’re supposed to be a team.”

Phil set his jaw. “You act like I don’t want any part of this, but you’re the one who didn’t want kids.”

Darcy stared at him. He’d never said that out loud before. He never dared mention regretting Xander.

“Get out.”

“You only wanted kids after you got pregnant. It was my wishes, and you did it for me. Stop acting like you don’t use him as an excuse to act crazy. Stop holding everything against me, judging me for the fact that –”

“Whatever you’re about to say, remember that I’m the one whose money pays for this place. I paid for all your stuff. I paid for –”

“ALRIGHT!” Phil yelled, cutting her off. “We _know_ you’re the one who married someone outside your paygrade. I didn’t marry you for that. I loved you for everything _despite_ the popstar bullshit _you_ hated.”

Darcy was stunned, her face slackening. Even after the months and months of suspecting such a thing, to hear him say love in the past tense, _I loved you_, meant stepping outside of the bubble of denial she created.

Her lips parted, processing his words three times over. Phil seemed to be doing the same, the silence between them stifling. Darcy thought about going back to Xander, but she’d frozen in place.

Phil made to move past her, to go into the nursery, but Darcy shot up a hand and he stepped back.

“I haven’t seen my son in two days. I just want to hold him,” he said, his hands up. “That’s all I want, Darce. He’s my son, too.”

Darcy thought about Xander being older and the flaws he’d inevitably have – he was only human, after all – and she wondered who’d she could blame, herself or Phil.

Darcy stepped aside, watched her husband go into the nursery and pick Xander up and cuddle him. Darcy felt her throat tighten with emotion. She’d let this get so out of control.

Phil put him down once more, patting his little head. Darcy crossed her arms, staring at the floor. She felt Phil’s eyes on her, moving past her and down the hallway to the office. He shut the door and Darcy began to cry.

-

_My love must be a kind of blind love  
I can’t see anyone but you_

Darcy watched a clip of herself on YouTube. It was from a GRLPWR documentary, showing a snapshot of Darcy’s pageants before she signed to Hubble. Darcy knew the song had several meanings for her now. At the time, she liked it because it sounded so sweet and magical. Even as a little girl her style was mournful, heart-wrenching. She sounded much older, world-weary.

She knew she was meant to be singing at the bar tonight. She hadn’t showered in days. She wasn’t going to drag herself down there to be looked at by old fans. She couldn’t bring herself to call Walt or anyone else about missing the gig. She kept ignoring the notifications that popped up. She saw a DM from Bucky and knew if she’d open it she’d only cry. She was in an emotional purgatory, not feeling everything fully, but not void of hurt, either.

Phil didn’t come by to check on Xander. She heard him come and go, to work or elsewhere. He didn’t send her a text or try coaxing her out of the nursery.

_Are the stars out tonight_  
_I don't know if it's cloudy or bright_  
_ I only have eyes for you dear_

Tiny Darcy in her pink poofy dresses, the JonBenet lookalikes onstage alongside her. She never did too well in those pageants. Maybe the judges could smell the stink of her broken home life, like the shame was seeping out of her pores. She knew the _Hubble_ execs detected it in her, with how they treated her like a little doll.

Darcy fell asleep, waking up the next morning as Phil was leaving for work, the front door slamming. She didn’t want to move, but something told her to make it worse. She needed to go down the rabbit hole completely, take an alternative path of her own timeline, find the phony man behind the curtain in _The Wizard of Oz_. Something had cracked.

She fed Xander, got up and showered, shaved her legs and armpits, brushed her teeth. She brushed her hair, pulled on clean, soft clothes. She walked into the office down the hallway and sat at the computer desk, seeing the desktop was password protected.

She wasn’t dumb enough to assume her husband would use her birth date for a password. She knew his birth date was once hers. Thinking of that now, it made her want to laugh or cry, she wasn’t sure which. The correct password was Xander’s birth date but backwards.

Darcy began checking his internet history. Nothing too surprising, plenty of porn. Asian, anal, teen, lesbian, gangbang. Darcy scrolled through weeks and weeks of searches. She checked his documents, seeing correspondence between Phil and his work colleagues. His downloads folder had some torrents, but nothing unexpected. She opened his Twitter. He never shared anything too personal, it was usually for his gaming. She hovered over his DMs, biting her lip.

Why was she doing this?

Because she wanted to know if he was cheating on her, if he was taking her for a ride, if he was doing this all behind her back because he wanted to. She didn’t want him to get away with it, and yet she knew if she kept her head in the sand things might go smoother. She could separate from him and do it all neatly, without emotions getting the better of them. Xander could still have some kind of structure, a healthy relationship with both his parents.

She clicked, seeing rows upon rows of names. Some of them were gaming buddies. Others were women. Darcy began to read.

** _I had fun, u down for tonight?_ **

** _\- Yeah where?_ **

There were pictures to accompany some of the messages and Darcy stared, flesh blurring. She thought she was prepared, especially after finding the jizz stain on his jeans. It occurred to her that he wasn’t even trying to hide most of the time. Some of the girls mentioned Darcy by name, stating they were long time fans. They were curious about Phil, like what was so great about him that a famous popstar became his wife?

Some messages took ugly turns.

** _Get tested, asshole. _ **

Maybe he didn’t have sex with Darcy for years because he was too busy trying to clean himself up. Darcy used to think that because he’d seen her body change and give birth to their son that he didn’t see her the same way. Darcy remembered getting an STD test for the hell of it and it coming back clean. She did that to pretend to her doctor that she led a more interesting life.

After over an hour, Darcy sat back in the chair, closing her eyes.

She remembered the early days when Phil would go quiet whenever someone mentioned Darcy’s profession, how talented she was, how crazy it was that she got along with Phil when he was so normal by comparison. Darcy was madly in love with him once. She married him when she was eighteen. He was the only man she ever slept with. He was unlike anyone else in Darcy’s life, because he never wanted anything from her. At least, that’s what she thought.

When had that stopped? Did he ever love her as much as she loved him?

Darcy felt her eyes sting and she got up from the chair, leaving his DMs open on the screen. She went to find Xander lying in his cot still, his eyes closed. She moved toward her phone that sat face down on the bed against the wall.

A missed call from an unknown number, a new Voicemail. Darcy opened it, putting the phone to her ear. She didn’t expect to hear the person on the other end.

_“Darcy, it’s Bucky. I went to the bar last night, you weren’t there. I guess I should have checked the Facebook but the owner said you hadn’t called them – I don’t – I didn’t know how else to reach you so I asked Carol for your number. I… I hope you’re okay. Okay? Just send me something back, some sign. I’m… I’m worried. Please?”_

Darcy hung up, glancing at Xander sleeping peacefully. She walked out, picking up her bag on her way. She went to find the scrapbooks and little keepsakes she kept in the cupboard. She shoved clothes in along with them. She packed Xander’s bag, took his blankets. She took trips downstairs to the parking lot, loading the car up. When she was done, she went into the office and grasped her wedding ring, tugging it off. She placed it next to the keyboard. Darcy was tempted to leave a snide little note like _Take this to a pawn shop, you could use the cash _but she couldn’t bring herself to engage, to acknowledge the damage that had been done.

She finally went into the nursery and picked up Xander and he stirred awake, blinking up at her. She kissed his forehead and walked out, slamming the front door.

-

Darcy sat in the car for an hour, her hands on the wheel. Xander kept chatting to himself in the backseat, unaware that his mother was trying to keep it together. She’d frozen there, wondering how she was meant to move again.

“What do I do?” she murmured aloud, and Xander glanced at her reflection in the rearview mirror, smiling at her.

She closed her eyes, unable to humor him. She pressed her forehead to the steering wheel. At that point, she began to cry, her chest heaving.

“Momma?”

She didn’t answer Xander and the shame felt somehow worse – that she couldn’t pretend to her kid that she was okay, that he had nothing to be afraid of.

_I’m a terrible mother. _

Darcy’s phone began to buzz in the passenger seat and she glanced at it, dreading whoever it was. It was the same number as before, so it had to be Bucky.

She hesitated, her hand hovering. She finally pressed the green call button, putting it to her ear. She gave an ugly sniff.

“Darcy, it’s Carol.”

That was slightly better than it being Bucky, Darcy realized.

“Are you okay? What’s happening? Where’s Xander?”

Darcy sucked in a breath, trying to keep the tears in.

“He’s with me. I’m sitting in the car.”

“Where are you?” Carol asked again, and Darcy winced.

“I…”

She felt so stupid, so pathetic. She sobbed and heard rustling on Carol’s end, a door opening.

“What if I give you to Bucky? Would you talk to him?”

“Carol –”

She was too late, she could hear Bucky already there.

“Darcy? What can I do?”

Darcy whimpered, hunching over. Xander began to grizzle behind her and Darcy knew she was making it worse.

“Baby?”

Darcy sucked in a breath, relenting. “Phil’s cheating on me. I’m leaving him.”

She hated that she was dragging Bucky into this. All he’d ever done was try to make her happy, try to be useful to her. He worked for Carol, for crying out loud. All Darcy seemed to do was use him as a comfort, and blabbing all her marital woes felt wrong.

“I’ll come get you.”

Darcy blinked, screwing up her face again. “No.”

“Stay where you are, okay? Are you at the apartment?”

Darcy could hear Carol saying something, the address. Darcy could feel that she was starting to panic. If Bucky came and got her, she’d never be able to let him go. He’d see her so ugly and wrong and she couldn’t stop him.

“Bucky.”

“Stay there, okay? I’m givin’ you back to Carol.”

Darcy heard Carol take the phone, talking to her. The words fell away as she sobbed, hearing Xander start to scream.

It might have been minutes, it might have been hours. Darcy heard a knock on her window and she glanced up, seeing Carol’s face on the other side of her car door. She spotted Bucky beside her and covered her face with her hands.

Xander had calmed down a little, sitting in Darcy’s lap. Carol managed to open the front door and touched the back of Xander’s head, scooping him up.

“Darcy,” she said, touching her hand. “We’re here, okay?”

Darcy kept her eyes covered but felt new hands, smelt the familiar scent of Bucky’s skin and hair. He gathered her in his arms and cuddled her.

-

They drove the two cars separately. Bucky drove Darcy’s car with Darcy in the backseat with Xander, and Carol drove her own car back to her place.

Darcy felt exhausted. The day had been turned on its head, half gone already. The second her head hit the pillow, she fell asleep next to Xander on the bed in the pool house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to drag this out way longer but I thought the angst might become too much for even me to bear so I pushed this conflict waaaaaay up. Thank you for sticking with this story! ❤
> 
> [I Only Have Eyes For You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mA7Ro-90AI) by The Flamingos  
[my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	7. Part Seven: Harder to Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely responses! Get ready to yearn! ❤

**Part Seven: Harder to Breathe**

Darcy slept for an entire day. She woke the following afternoon alone, seeing the sunset coming through the tiny crack in the pool house blinds.

She sat up, squinting around for any sign of Xander. She could hear his yelling coming from outside, along with Bucky yelling back at him. Darcy hoped he hadn’t been too much of a handful while she was out cold. She pulled back the covers and got out her toiletries from her bag and went into the bathroom to wash up.

She looked a little better than yesterday, less drawn. She looked paler somehow, and she thought about slapping some makeup on but dismissed it. Everyone had already seen her look shitty when she came in yesterday, her cheeks pink and wet from crying, her eyes puffy. She changed into a clean shirt and her sweatpants, tying her hair in a ponytail. She thought about delaying things further, but she knew she needed to leave at some stage, at least to thank Carol for letting her say, to apologize to Bucky for hijacking his pool house again.

She heard Xander’s squeal pierce the air and she smiled to herself, moving to open the door. She ducked out, seeing Bucky chase Xander and scoop him up. Xander could shatter glass but Darcy laughed, watching them.

Bucky turned at the sound of her and he smiled, holding up Xander.

“There’s Momma,” he whispered into Xander’s tiny ear. He put him on the ground and Xander took off toward her, his arms outstretched.

Darcy hoisted him up, kissing his face. His skin smelt of chlorine and his breath smelt of oranges. Bucky’s eyes ran up and down her, inspecting, making Darcy’s stomach flip.

“You sleep okay?”

“I slept for nearly twenty-four hours,” she replied, and Bucky shrugged.

“You needed it.”

“I guess so,” she murmured. “I, uh –”

“You want somethin’ to eat?” Bucky interjected and Darcy smiled, nodding.

“Yeah.”

“I could make you eggs,” he said, holding up one hand. Xander’s eyes were glued to him, fascinated. “Or I could make you… eggs?”

Darcy laughed. “You can’t cook?”

“I can, I just – I might serve you somethin’ inedible,” Bucky said. “I burn things easily. I’m probably attention deficit or somethin’.”

Darcy laughed again, and Bucky joined in, rubbing the back of his head. He looked boyish and sincere. Darcy bit her lip, nodding.

“Eggs are fine. Please,” she murmured. She nodded at the toddler. “Did he eat much?”

“He ate a lot of fruit for breakfast. Made him toast for lunch, with scrambled eggs,” Bucky said, moving closer to stroke Xander’s pudgy arm. “We watched _Frozen_. Then he napped.”

Darcy must have slept through that if Bucky brought him back to her.

“Where?” she asked.

Bucky pointed to his front. “On my chest. I fell asleep, too.”

That would have been an adorable sight. Darcy wasn’t sure if she could cope with seeing that in the flesh. She might melt. She smiled.

“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s okay, I’m more than happy to –”

“Bucky,” Xander said suddenly, grabbing his arm.

“What, bubba?” Bucky asked.

“Come back later. Bucky come back _later_.”

He pushed him a couple times and Bucky let out a surprised laugh. Darcy began to giggle, knowing exactly what was going on.

“He means ‘go away’,” Darcy explained, and Bucky smirked, trying to pretend it was serious and failing. “He – uh, has the habit now when he needs privacy.”

“Momma come back,” Xander added, wriggling in her arms and she obliged, putting him down.

He walked off to the pool house and went inside, and Bucky looked confused.

“When he needs to…” Darcy snorted. “Poop.”

Bucky’s eyebrows hiked and he laughed. “Right. Okay. Good for him.”

“I’ll have to change him in a second,” Darcy murmured.

“Carol did that before a couple times,” Bucky said. “She kinda insisted.”

Darcy wondered why Carol was trying harder. Maybe she felt sorry for Darcy. Darcy nodded.

“Eggs comin’ up,” Bucky said, winking.

He walked off and Darcy watched him go, eyes dipping to his butt. His sweatpants didn’t hide a lot of the shape of him. It was just Darcy’s luck that she was sleeping in his pool house with no access to other more sexy privileges.

She glanced away, heading toward the pool house once more.

-

Darcy called up the bar and apologized for not giving them notice, but also told them she didn’t know when she’d be coming back. They were glad she was okay, and hopeful they’d see her again. Darcy felt like she’d failed them. It was her only consistent gig, and being in Carol’s orbit again inevitably led to her comparing their lives.

Carol was constantly working, either with writing music or performing it, or hanging out with people in the industry. She modelled sometimes, too, and she was always working out. She had a role in an indie movie coming out at the end of the year. She never stopped, whereas Darcy could barely handle performing for seventy minutes once a month. Darcy knew Carol would tell her their lives weren’t the same because Darcy had her son, but being in the big house with all the different people looking after Xander, Darcy wondered how long that could be an excuse anymore. Especially if Bucky was a natural.

Darcy hung up, checking her other notifications. She’d left her mother in the lurch, and saw several messages from her and Voicemails she didn’t want to listen to. She called her next, pressing her lips together as she sat with her legs in the pool, Bucky and Xander in the water.

Every so often Bucky would look at her as if to check she was still there and Darcy would feel her cheeks heat under his attention. The sun had gone down but it was still warm, the back of Darcy’s neck sweaty and making her hair stick to her skin.

“Darcy, thank God,” her mother said the second she picked up. “What the hell happened?”

Darcy regretted reaching out immediately, placing her hand over her eyes, sighing.

“I left Phil, Mom,” she murmured.

It felt like everything had gone especially quiet, and Darcy wondered whether she should have gone somewhere private in case she said or did something she’d rather Xander didn’t witness. Her son seemed distracted enough by Bucky, splashing around.

“I spoke to him on the phone last night. He was upset, but you’ve had these kinds of arguments before.”

Maybe years ago before Xander was even conceived, but not nowadays.

Darcy tried clearing her throat. “No, I think this is permanent. He was unfaithful.”

Her mother made a scoffing sound. “Now why would he do that?”

“Don’t ask me that,” Darcy replied straightaway, though she had her own ideas. Namely, his own insecurities. He probably thought resorting to cheating on her was justified because of the lack of sex.

“How do you know it happened?”

Denise Lewis had a habit of always asking her daughter questions twice, as if to confirm the legitimacy of the information she’d received. Darcy shouldn’t be surprised, but it still hurt.

“I found messages on his Twitter account. I went on his computer at home,” Darcy murmured. She kicked her legs in the water a couple times. “I had a feeling before, anyway.”

“You don’t think it was something you were trying to find?”

Darcy frowned. “No. How can you say that?”

“I just mean that it’s not in your nature to confront people, Darcy,” her mother went on, sighing a little, as if she was a silly child. “So maybe you needed an excuse.”

Darcy didn’t love her husband anymore and she didn’t know exactly when it happened, but she felt like she wanted to stay married for Xander’s sake. She didn’t need an out. She gave herself an out already by signing a pre-nup years ago.

“No, I definitely saw it.”

“Were you not putting out?”

“Why are you blaming me for this?” Darcy snapped, and she saw Bucky turn his head toward her in the corner of her eye. “You never liked him.”

“I love Phil and his family very much,” Denise retorted hotly. “They were always so kind to us. It always surprised me how well you got along with him, considering…”

Darcy began to zone out, staring at the water while her mother went on and on about Darcy being a late bloomer and how closed off she was. At some point Darcy tuned in again, hearing Carol’s name.

“… and I always hoped Carol would be a positive influence on you, but I’m sure she couldn’t help how you were with men, despite helping you all those times growing up –”

“Carol’s a lesbian, Mom,” Darcy interrupted. “All the boyfriends she had were for publicity. A couple of them were gay, too. She never tried to help me get a boyfriend. I didn’t want one.”

She didn’t add that she was anxious, but that was the reason why Darcy was a so-called ‘late bloomer’, even though she had double-Ds by the time she was sixteen _plus_ her G.E.D. Denise seemed to fail to remember the things Darcy did right, only honing in on the things she’d done wrong.

“Besides, I was a fucking kid,” Darcy added. “And I shouldn’t have married at eighteen. I was way too young.”

“Nobody _forced you_, dear,” Denise retorted, sounding a little impatient. “You were hardly a child bride.”

Phil was Darcy’s escape. GRLPWR was falling apart and Darcy held onto him, hoping to never let go, but now she had. It seemed like a crummy deal for everyone involved.

“I wasn’t putting out,” Darcy snapped, and she felt her face grow hotter, and she was sure Bucky could hear her. “So I guess he felt like he was in the right.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Why, indeed? She didn’t want to. Her libido had left her sometime during her pregnancy, and then after she was only thinking about hiding in the cocoon of the apartment with her son, thinking she’d made the worst mistake imaginable. Her depression made her believe that her son was doomed from the start, and it was hard not to still think that. Having a parent who was screwed up made things harder. It’s not like she was contagious, but Xander could be just as neurotic.

“I don’t know,” Darcy managed to reply, her voice flat.

“The news hasn’t got out yet, which might work in your favour,” Denise said, using her managerial tone that she reserved for little upsets like this one. “You can go back to the city tomorrow and make up –”

“I don’t want to,” Darcy said. “I won’t.”

“It will get worse before it gets better, Darcy,” Denise said. “Please understand that I have your best interests at heart.”

“No, you don’t. At least, not my sanity,” Darcy replied. “I don’t even want to be in the same room as Phil anymore. The thought makes me sick.”

“Do you need to see your therapist? Do you want me to call Alice?”

She wasn’t listening to her, not really. It made Darcy want to throw her phone into the water. She closed her eyes, sighing.

“I’ll see her soon, but I’m not going back to the apartment. I can’t go back there. I don’t belong there.”

“So are you going to stay with Carol? With your baby son, my grandchild around all types of people?”

Darcy felt her defiance flare again.

“What types of people, Mom?”

Denise went quiet, sighing.

“Mom? What types of people are you worried about?”

“If you’re going to twist it around and make me sound like a terrible human being, I won’t keep speaking to you, I’ll have to hang up.”

“Xander’s around artists of all shapes and sizes,” Darcy snapped. “It’s healthier than being in that house with Phil and me screaming at each other.”

“Is that what you two were like? That surprises me.”

Darcy huffed. “I’m not going back. I need a lawyer. I want this figured out as fast as possible.”

There was a pause and Darcy wondered if her phone had cut out.

“Mom?”

“Darcy, please think about this before making a rash decision. You’ve been married ten years, you’re both still young and working things out. And it might affect a reunion tour if you’re needing to be in lawyers’ offices for the settlement.”

Darcy let out a breath. “You’re unbelievable. Do not try and call me again, because I will not answer you. I’ll call you if I want to talk.”

“Darcy –”

Darcy hung up, feeling angry tears well her eyes as she stared at the water, her phone in her lap. She finally glanced over to see Xander in his own world, Bucky frowning at her.

“What?” she snapped, and then instantly regretted it. “Sorry.”

“Are you okay?”

“Just dandy,” Darcy muttered, looking away. She pulled her legs out of the water, seeing the droplets fall onto the ground as she moved toward the pool house.

She lay down, staring at the ceiling. She picked up her phone and went on Instagram, scrolling through her feed. A lot of smiling people. She followed a lot of mommy bloggers, and they were starting to get on her nerves. They used to be inspiring and now it felt like a constant reminder of everything Darcy was doing wrong.

She got up again, deciding to go find Carol.

-

Over the next hour, Darcy sat in the kitchen among Carol and her friends. Every so often she’d be included, but Darcy kept silent for the most part. She didn’t mind sitting back and listening. She actually liked it better than talking. She felt like people in the entertainment industry were expected to want to hog the limelight, but she hated being the centre of attention usually. She was more than happy to have Carol talk and talk, everyone hanging on her every word.

Darcy poured herself a drink, and then another. She started to loosen up by the time they started on dinner, grilling and preparing salads like a proper commune. At one point, Carol nudged Darcy with her hip.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Darcy murmured.

She was thankful that Brent was telling a long-winded story about how he was nearly run over by a gay couple in their Jeep on his way back here from the store, complete with a re-enactment. Everyone focused on his melodrama while Carol shelled peas beside Darcy.

“I need a lawyer,” she added, and Carol nodded, her face going colder.

“Phil’s such an asshole. You should sue him.”

Darcy gave a short, bitter laugh. “What for? Adultery? He’d counter-sue with psychological abuse or something like that.”

Carol tutted. “Why?”

Darcy forgot that Carol didn’t know about her post-partum depression, and how out of control she was. She swallowed, shaking her head.

“Oh, you know hetero men,” she said, keeping it vague.

“I’ll ask around, but I won’t say who it’s for,” Carol said, and Darcy gave her a little smile, hoping Carol could see she appreciated it. It was partly why she was trying to be useful in the kitchen instead of sleeping the rest of the night away.

“Bucky seemed happy to help, anyway,” Carol muttered, and Darcy felt her cheeks blush. She recognised her tone, all innuendo. It made her uneasy.

“He’s… he’s so nice,” Darcy murmured. She cleared her throat. “I don’t know why.”

“Wow,” Carol said, shaking her head.

“What?” Darcy said, and Carol kept her mouth shut, which only annoyed her.

Carol pushed her out of the way of the bowl of shelled peas.

“Go find him and tell him that grub’s up,” Carol said, and Darcy stepped back, sighing.

She picked up her drink and drained it, setting it down. She wandered outside to see Bucky drying off Xander with a towel.

“Almost his bedtime?” he asked, trying to fix Xander’s hair that stood up.

“Dinner’s almost done,” Darcy said, folding her arms. “But yeah, it’s almost bedtime for him.”

Xander giggled when Bucky tickled him under his arm and Darcy couldn’t help smiling.

“How are you so good at this?” she asked, and Bucky shrugged.

“My sister’s got three kids,” he replied. “And I like kids.”

He didn’t sound defensive but proud, happy to share that with Darcy like it wasn’t a big deal. He had no idea how attractive that was in a man. Darcy watched him throw the towel aside, Xander on his feet. Darcy took his little hand in hers and Bucky stood up, pointing toward the pool house.

“I’ll get a sandwich or something for him and come back,” he said. “My clothes are still in there and I need a shirt.”

“Oh,” Darcy said. “Right. Sorry. Um –”

“It’s fine,” Bucky said, and he waited for her to nod before leaving to go back into the kitchens.

Darcy walked Xander into the pool house and stuck him in the shower for a few minutes to rinse the chlorine off, before drying him again and putting him in some sleep clothes. By the time she came back to the bed, Bucky had come back, holding a plate with cheese and salami on it for Xander.

“Dinner’s served,” he said to Xander, who lit up at the sight of Bucky’s return.

Darcy nudged a few pieces of carrot toward him, too.

“Veggies. Veggies first.”

Xander shoved them in his mouth, chewing happily. Bucky stood up, disappearing again. When he came back, he held another drink for Darcy and she smiled.

“Thank you. You don’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Bucky murmured.

When Xander was done, Darcy tucked him into bed and kissed his cheek. His eyelids were already heavy, his lips parted as he lay on his side.

Bucky moved off the bed and went to a cupboard, pulling off his shirt. Darcy stared, feeling like someone had run their fingers down her spine, her eyes widening at the sight. She still wasn’t used to it. Earlier he’d been wearing a t-shirt in the pool. He must have been doing that to encourage Xander to cover up under the sun.

He pulled on a clean shirt and turned around, catching Darcy staring at him. She gaped, looking away, her hand still stroking Xander’s head. She remembered then that Bucky called her ‘baby’ on the phone yesterday.

“He worn out from swimmin’?” Bucky whispered, and Darcy nodded, swallowing.

Xander nodded off, and Darcy moved back, standing to leave. Bucky opened the door for her and she ducked out. Bucky shut the door with a little click and Darcy glanced up at him.

“I feel like you’re doing unpaid work,” she said.

His brows lifted, a smile spreading on his face.

“You wanna pay me for my services?”

“Maybe,” Darcy replied. “I could pay you as a nanny.”

He scoffed. “Nah. I just want to help out.”

They walked back to the kitchen. Darcy sipped her drink as they began to serve up dinner. She sat between Bucky and Carol, her knee hitting Bucky’s every so often. She thought about the goose bumps forming on her skin, wondering if he could see them that close to her.

His hand was on the back of her chair at one point and she kept still, chewing. The conversation was going back and forth across the table while Darcy sat quietly.

“We’re gonna do karaoke,” Carol said, nudging Darcy, making her bump Bucky again under the table.

“Right, okay.”

“General rule is if it’s your first time, you have to,” Bucky murmured, and Darcy met his gaze.

“Like _Fight Club_?” she whispered, and he grinned at her.

God, he was beautiful. She wanted him, her desire low in her gut, her fingers itching to touch. She’d grab him by the hair and kiss him hard. She thought of her conversation with her mother before, remembering how she’d said she wasn’t sleeping with Phil.

She’d probably be a disappointing lay, deeply insecure and second-guessing herself. The thought of actually fucking Bucky was scary, but her fantasies were a nice escape in her head, especially when he smiled at her like that.

Darcy did a shot with Carol, sticking a wedge of lime in her mouth and sucking it. She motioned getting up from the table but Bucky was quicker, pushing on her shoulders to stop her. He got up, dashing outside to check on Xander.

He returned, Darcy up from her chair while everyone else was putting their plates away, pouring more drinks or going off to set up the karaoke machine in the living room.

“He’s out like a light,” Bucky said, his hands back on Darcy’s shoulders, making her stomach flutter.

“Yeah?”

“Out like a light,” Bucky said, pretending it was deadly serious. “Now, we need to get another drink in you. Stat.”

He steered her around and she laughed, letting him move her away from the table and into the living room. He handed her a shot.

“Just kidding,” he said, taking it back. “This one’s for me.”

He threw it back and Darcy laughed. He tugged her along, picking up one of the microphones. Carol came in, a big smile on her face.

“Awesome! Darcy’s going first,” she said. “What do you feel like singing? We’ve got a lot to choose from.”

Carol started scrolling through the tracks and Darcy made a face, unsure.

“I dunno what to sing.”

“You can sing anything, you’ll be fine.”

Bucky clapped his hands a few times, watching Darcy from the couch.

“It’s like I’m in the front row.”

“Shut the fuck up, Barnes. She’s about to perform,” Carol chided, laughing. She clicked her fingers. “Or, we could do one together?”

“Okay,” Darcy said into the mic, nodding. “You pick.”

Carol loaded up a Maroon 5 song Darcy probably hadn’t heard in about ten years at least. Carol volunteered to do the opener.

_How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable_  
_So condescending unnecessarily critical_  
_ I have the tendency of getting very physical_  
_ So watch your step 'cause if I do you'll need a miracle_

Darcy readied herself, taking a deep breath. She grimaced, launching into her verse.

_You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here_  
_The double vision I was seeing is finally clear_  
_ You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone_  
_ Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground I'm walking on_

Bucky cheered the loudest when Darcy cussed at the top of her lungs, his applause blending with the chorus Carol and Darcy sung together. Brent had begun to record it on his phone.

_When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love_  
_You'll understand what I mean when I say_  
_ There's no way we're gonna give up_  
_ And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams_  
_ Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_  
_ Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe_

Darcy managed to roll with it, despite feeling very vulnerable at times. Carol was jumping up and down by the end of it, so happy they were doing it together. Darcy felt like her face was on fire from all of the attention but she copied Carol’s bow when they were done.

She walked out into the kitchen to take a break, pouring herself another drink. She ate a piece of watermelon with it, chewing slowly as she could hear Brent singing One Direction with one of the hippie girls. Darcy’s phone began to blow up with notifications, the short clip that Brent had recorded already uploaded to Instagram.

Darcy heard someone come in and saw Bucky. She wasn’t surprised but she still felt shy, even after everything they’d been through in the last day and a bit.

“You needed to recharge?” he murmured.

No judgment, only understanding. He knew she couldn’t always be ‘on’ like Carol. Darcy nodded, swallowing the fruit. She sipped her drink.

“Just saw the video Brent put up,” she said, holding up her phone.

“You sounded great. Speakin’ from a professional perspective,” Bucky said, hand on his chest.

Darcy nodded with a small smile, ducking her gaze.

“How come…?”

“What?” Bucky asked, his voice changing.

“How come you deleted that photo of me and Xander on Instagram?” she asked.

Bucky blinked a couple times and Darcy felt herself blush, regretting the question.

“Forget it,” she added hastily, sipping again to distract herself. “It’s dumb.”

“I didn’t –” Bucky began, and he frowned, considering his words. “Felt like a bad idea to keep it there. You’re…”

He leaned forward against the bench, sighing.

“Ah, fuck,” he whispered. “I’m an asshole. You’re right, let’s forget it.”

Maybe Darcy was a little drunk, but she could swear he looked sadder, resigned. She watched him push something away and shake his head.

“You heard me on the phone, right?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Bucky said. “It ain’t my business.”

“I meant what I said on the phone, I’ve left Phil. I’m not – I mean, I’m –”

“You’re still married, Darcy,” Bucky cut in. He licked his lips. “Things are complicated, you’ve got your kid and I can’t be shovin’ my way into –”

He cut himself off, shaking his head.

“Nope. I’m not doin’ this.”

It sounded like he was saying it more to himself than Darcy and she frowned.

“If you heard the part about me not putting out, you’d know I haven’t had sex with my husband in a while,” she said.

He stared at her, working his jaw.

“Yeah,” he breathed eventually.

“I’m so out of love with Phil,” she added. She’d never said that out loud before. “I…”

_I like you. _She wished she’d just say it, but it felt like too much. This conversation was too much already, they could both end up hurt.

“I’m gonna head back,” she said, and Bucky nodded.

She left him in the kitchen, and she sat down on the couch with Carol and the others, listening to the singing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part, Bucky brings Darcy to meet Becca! Thank you for reading!
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)  
[Harder to Breathe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV8NHsmVMPE) by Maroon 5


	8. Part Eight: Fake Plastic Trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay. I'm fine, I swear. Have fun. ❤

**Part Eight: Fake Plastic Trees**

Darcy spent the next two days relearning the chords to _Fake Plastic Trees_ by Radiohead. She sat by the pool while Xander played in the water, either with Bucky or the rotating volunteers. Darcy managed to find a lawyer Carol heard of through a friend. Her first meeting with them was in a couple days. She was spending her time mostly to herself with her head down, trying to not focus on too many things at once.

Bucky didn’t bring up their conversation in Carol’s kitchen. Darcy knew the liquor had something to do with it, her reasoning behind bringing up feelings. She had a crush and she was attracted to Bucky, and he was a great guy, but he made it clear enough that he didn’t want to go near her. Darcy understood. It hurt more than she expected it to, but she pushed herself to still be around him, still let him look after Xander when he wanted to.

She took Xander with her when she managed to get an appointment with her therapist. She went there thinking she’d keep it all in, maybe see her sooner the next time. She wanted someone to talk to, but she was afraid of being honest.

“What’s been happening?”

“My mom’s gonna give a statement about – well, I sent her an email asking her to write a statement – it’s kind of –”

Darcy’s throat felt tight. She glanced down at Xander on the floor and it all hit her at once – the full brevity of it, that this part of her was ending. The amount of pain it would cause set in. The cost of it all, the different things to consider. She’d have to share her time with her son, when up until this point, he’d almost been entirely hers. She’d have to move into a new place, find a preschool for him eventually, try and navigate a civil relationship with Phil. She’d have an ex-husband, a failed relationship for everyone to see. If it came out why they broke up, as it inevitably would, people would see how she’d been lied to, betrayed. She didn’t want pity or scorn. She hated it deep inside her that she still cared so deeply about what people thought of her.

“Darcy?”

She glanced up, realizing she’d trailed off and zoned out, and she blinked, unsure of what to say.

“What happened?”

“I’m separating from Phil,” she whispered, her voice void of emotion. She cleared her throat. “Yeah, I left him. I’m staying with Carol.”

“You’re staying with Carol Danvers, with your son?”

“Where else would he go?” Darcy said, trying to not sound incredulous.

Alice read her, nodding. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound crass. I didn’t expect – you’ve surprised me, is all. I feel surprised. How are you?”

Darcy began to laugh, her eyes misting. Her lip quivered and she dissolved into tears. Alice waited, nudging the tissue box toward her. Darcy took one, mopping her face. Xander didn’t seem too upset, just a little confused.

Darcy picked him up and rested him on her lap, cuddling him close.

“I feel like an idiot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel very, very small,” Darcy murmured.

Alice nodded. “Is this the critical voice? Remember what we said about it?”

“I need to evaluate whether it’s helpful.”

“Is it?”

“No,” Darcy said. “I don’t know. Yes? It’s confusing. The voice used to get me through learning new songs when we toured. It helped me be a hard-worker. It stopped me being lazy.”

“I don’t think anyone would have called you lazy, Darcy,” Alice said. “And if they did, they had no idea what your life was really like.”

Darcy nodded, but she wasn’t entirely convinced. She couldn’t take things on the chin like Carol did. She had to cower in a corner and psyche herself up every day just to get out of bed. She hated that everything always had to be a drama.

“My anxiety is spiking. I mean, it spiked. I didn’t leave Xander’s room for a few days, and then I snooped through Phil’s computer. Then I left my ring behind and took off.”

Saying it all out loud was still strange. She sniffled.

“What happened before then? Before you took off?”

“I found messages. I don’t know where Phil’s been,” Darcy murmured. “I just – I told my mom and she said I found what I wanted to find.”

“Do you think that’s true?” Alice asked.

Darcy didn’t know how to answer that. “Why didn’t I just tell him I wanted to leave? What does that say about me, that I say nothing to him that’s important for months and months?”

She stared at the floor, shaking her head.

“I’m… embarrassed. I feel like it’s all over me, the hurt feelings. I feel like everyone can see all the bad shit that’s ever happened to me.”

She looked at Xander, touched his Mickey toy, and stroked his face.

“He looks more like a boy than a baby. One day he won’t be little anymore.”

-

Darcy felt rubbed raw when she left the city to return to Carol’s. She lay down with Xander for his nap, tried to block out the world. She got dinner from the kitchen that night and stayed in the pool house, contemplating her guitar.

She didn’t touch it. She felt guilty for not doing anything at all. She watched videos with Xander on her phone until he fell asleep. She scrolled through her Instagram feed, saw that Carol posted a Throwback Thursday photo of herself and Darcy when they were on tour in 2006, their arms around their shoulders, backward caps on. Darcy was smiling, Carol looked elated.

Darcy remembered taking Polaroids on their bus, dumb ones that became inside jokes. She remembered Carol telling her around that time that she didn’t like any of the boys that Hubble kept sending her way. Her fan base was getting suspicious, she was a tomboy, seeming to never grow out of it. She didn’t write songs about boys, she wrote about being happy in the summertime and innocent things like that. Darcy wrote about being yourself, though she never was herself. She tried a little to rebel, with the darker clothes and makeup, mentioning morbid things more in interviews. Darcy was astounded no-one ever saw the red flags. Carol was always monitoring herself, using her enthusiasm as a mask. Nothing to see here, we’re just born to perform. After almost every show Carol began to sneak out. Darcy remembered the time she was found with a girl, their tour manager going ballistic, telling Carol everything would fall apart if she didn’t behave.

That’s what they told Carol – that her attraction to other girls would destroy her livelihood. It only made Carol sneakier.

Darcy was shocked by how much she still remembered from one photo. It was as if she’d pulled a thread and unravelled much more.

She remembered Carol’s Adderall binges, the vodka snuck in shampoo bottles. Darcy was part of that, too, but Carol scared her as well. It was like she’d never reach her limit, and everything came crashing down when her stash was found years down the line. Carol went to her parents and confessed what they already suspected – that it wasn’t a phase, that she was sick of hiding who she was. Darcy remembered sitting outside a closed room, hearing the screaming. Carol ducked out, her hands balled into fists. Darcy followed her even when Carol told her not to.

She clung to her when she began to cry. Darcy had been scared of losing the income because her mom relied on it, but seeing Carol cry pushed everything aside. GRLPWR dissolved but Carol kept working with her solo career, no longer living with her parents. Darcy met Phil around that time, and he was her first glimpse of a normal life, the one that she’d always pictured as someone else’s story.

Darcy lay on her side, hearing Xander’s steady breathing.

Why did she stop being so close to Carol? Was it her?

Carol never got along with Phil. Did Carol not respect her for her choices?

Darcy lay awake for a while, thinking about how she was sleeping in her friend’s pool house, with no real plans, no direction. She looked at the picture of herself at fifteen with Carol and zoomed in, trying to remember that feeling, of belonging, even though it was fake.

She hated that girl. She took so much for granted.

-

Darcy woke early the next morning, Xander’s foot in her face. She pulled on some clothes and changed his diaper, carrying him out to get some breakfast. She saw no sign of Carol, feeling a little surge of triumph that no-one had come across her, because she didn’t feel like socialising.

Her phone began to buzz midway through eating her toast in bed, and she picked it up, seeing several notifications of online articles.

** _2000s ex-GRLPWR singer Darcy Lewis separates from husband of 10 years_ **

** _Whatever Happened to Darcy Lewis?_ **

** _Carol Danvers shares adorable #ThrowbackThursday pic with newly single songstress Darcy Lewis, 28_ **

Darcy stared at the words, before gritting her teeth and hitting the bedspread with her fist.

“FUCK!” she yelled.

How the fuck had it got out? Did her mom tell someone? Did the lawyer have a nosy secretary? Darcy tried to think of who else it could have been. Maybe someone living here in Carol’s house?

There was a sudden knock and Darcy startled.

“Darcy? Are you okay?”

It was Bucky, and Darcy loosened the grip on her phone, sighing.

“Please go away.”

“I won’t come in but I wanna talk.”

Darcy rubbed her eyes, hoping he’d give up, but Xander was staring at the door, interested. Darcy knew she was about to be betrayed by her own son, so she got out of bed and walked over to the door to open it.

Bucky was leaning against a pillar and mashed his cigarette into the ground, standing back up and blowing the rest of the smoke away from Darcy. She stopped herself from being openly hostile, because Xander managed to make his way toward Bucky and touch his leg, Bucky’s hand on his little head as he crouched down.

Without prompting, her son cuddled him and Darcy bit her lip, wishing it wasn’t the cutest thing to see a handsome man hug her toddler like it was all he wanted to do, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his face.

Then Xander slapped Bucky across the face and Darcy burst out laughing, covering her mouth a second later.

“Xander, do _not_ hit him!”

Bucky was too busy laughing in disbelief to be offended, and he only hugged Xander again.

“Jesus, bubba. My face,” he murmured. He looked up at Darcy again, his face falling a little. “How are you feeling?”

“I… I saw the articles coming in,” she said, biting her lip again. She rolled her eyes. “I feel fucking terrible, honestly.”

“Yeah, I saw them,” he murmured. “Do you wanna… go for a drive? Get outta here?”

Darcy blinked. “What?”

He stood up, Xander’s hand in his so he stooped slightly to stop himself from yanking his little arm.

“I was gonna visit my sister today. Do you wanna come with?”

Darcy opened her mouth, no words coming out.

“I sent Becca a text, she said it was fine. She sounds fuckin’ stoked, actually.”

Darcy felt herself flush. “I dunno. There’s Xander, and – and – I’m not good with…”

_People_. Darcy wasn’t good with people. She didn’t say it, though. Bucky nodded.

“You don’t have to. The offer’s there. I know Becca likes you a lot, but if you want, I’ll leave it today. Whatever you want, Darcy.”

She wanted him to call her ‘baby’ again. She stared at him.

“How can she like me? She doesn’t know me,” she murmured, but she didn’t intend to be mean.

Bucky only looked at her, his eyes passing over her face. They fell silent, and Darcy watched Xander tug Bucky’s hand, her son’s expression determined.

“Okay.”

Bucky blinked. “We’ll go?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I’ll get changed and we can go. I’ll pack some stuff for Xander, too.”

Bucky nodded, and he smiled, genuinely pleased. “And when you wanna come back here, you tell me and we’ll go, okay?”

Darcy nodded, believing him. He didn’t seem the type to push her, which was so rare in Darcy’s life.

-

Darcy took a little too long deciding what to wear, finally choosing her Stooges shirt with a pair of leggings. She put on some eyeliner and a little lipstick, trying to not think of reanimating a corpse.

What if she cried in front of Becca and her kids? In front of Bucky?

She swallowed, fiddling with her hair. She pressed her lips together, trying to perk herself up. She packed some diapers and clothes for Xander, before grabbing her phone and sunglasses to head out. She met with Bucky and Xander in the living room, Carol coming in with a cup of coffee wearing one of her tie-dye robes, her hair sticking up.

“You learn the chords?” Carol asked, sipping as Darcy knelt down as she put a hat on Xander’s head, adjusting it. “We could record it sometime. My agent was asking –”

She stopped abruptly, and Darcy glanced over at Bucky, seeing him shake his head at Carol.

“It can wait,” Carol said, sipping more coffee. “You guys have fun.”

Darcy hoisted Xander onto her hip and followed Bucky outside. He took the car keys from her when she wasn’t looking, insisting he drive. Darcy sat in the passenger seat, every so often checking Xander behind her while they drove. Bucky kept chatting to Xander in the backseat while Darcy stared out the window.

It took a few minutes before Darcy said anything to Bucky. She was so nervous that she didn’t want to try and make conversation, but she didn’t want to be rude.

“Did you guys record anything over the past couple of days?” she murmured, and Bucky’s gaze left the road for a split second.

“Nah. Carol gets this itch if she doesn’t. I knew she’d bring it up this mornin’,” Bucky murmured. He sounded apologetic.

“She used to do that when we were kids. She’d get sick of our songs so quickly. I wanted to have a new one out all the time,” Darcy said, smiling a little. Bucky mimicked her. “It’s not like now, with streaming. Carol has hundreds of songs from back then. She constantly wrote them. Always had something to work on.”

“What about you?” Bucky asked.

Darcy ducked her head. “Me? No. I have notebooks from back then, but it’s mostly poems and… dumb little things. Drawings. Lists of…”

“Lists of what?” Bucky said, and Darcy glanced at him, shaking her head.

“I’d rather not say,” she murmured.

“Okay,” Bucky said, smirking.

Darcy rose to the bait. “Crushes. Celebrities I wanted to… find.”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, and Darcy sighed, shaking her head again.

“John Waters,” she said, and Bucky began to laugh long and loud, Xander imitating him behind Darcy.

“I knew he was gay!” Darcy added, her hand up. “I just wanted to be his friend.”

“Jesus,” Bucky said, shaking his head. “That’s cute. That’s so fuckin’ cute.”

Darcy felt her stomach flip, her cheeks heating. “No, it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not,” Bucky murmured, and Darcy looked away, her gaze on the traffic around them.

Darcy sighed. “I haven’t written a song in years. Years. I can’t remember wanting to anymore. I don’t know how Carol could just churn them out like that.”

“Like I said, it’s a compulsion. She does it every second she can. It’s like she doesn’t have a choice,” Bucky said. “And not everythin’ she writes is good either. And it doesn’t have to be. It’s just the process.”

“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience,” Darcy said, and Bucky’s eyes widened a fraction.

“Oh, not me,” he said. “At least not lyrics.”

“You’ve never tried to?”

“I play music, I don’t write it. That’s what I can’t stop doin’,” he murmured. “I can’t stop listenin’ to it either, which is weird because –”

He leaned over to turn on the radio.

“– we’re not listenin’ to any right now.”

Darcy didn’t recognise the song but Bucky made a face, pressing a couple more buttons. He settled on a throwback station, playing 80’s hits. Darcy smiled and Bucky met her gaze.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Darcy smiled again, smaller, going quiet. Tears For Fears came on and Bucky turned it up louder.

-

They pulled up at an apartment building over an hour later, and Darcy’s stomach was twisting, her hands sweaty. Bucky parked Darcy’s car and turned to her when he switched off the engine.

“How’re you going?” he murmured, and Darcy glanced at Xander behind them and then back to Bucky, licking her lips.

“I’m uh,” Darcy began, but shook her head, not sure what to say. “What if I…?”

“We can go back. I tell my sister you –”

“Don’t tell her I didn’t want to be here,” Darcy blurted. “Please.”

“I wouldn’t. I’d tell her somethin’ came up,” Bucky said. “I promise.”

“But if I don’t go in…”

“You don’t have to. We drive back. Take the long way, get dinner. See a movie. Whatever you want,” Bucky said. He went to turn the ignition on but Darcy reached over, touching his wrist.

“Just give me a second,” she whispered.

Bucky nodded, leaning back. He turned around in his seat to look at Xander and leaned toward him, Xander’s hand wrapping around his Bucky’s index finger. Darcy watched them for half a minute.

She couldn’t get over how natural it felt to have Xander and Bucky together like that. It wasn’t forced, he wasn’t awkward. Xander seemed to adore him.

“Okay, let’s go in,” Darcy said and Bucky turned her, smiling.

“Okay.”

They took a couple minutes to get Xander out of his seat and grab his bag. Darcy carried Xander, smoothing his hair from his eyes and touching her own hair.

“You look really great,” Bucky said, and Darcy caught him looking at her and her hand froze. He bit his lip. “I mean, totally unrelated to what you’re doin’.”

“Okay,” Darcy murmured, feeling a goofy smile spread on her face, like she’d never had male attention before. She was rusty as hell. He was learning that more and more.

They walked up to building and pressed the intercom, Bucky leaning toward it to speak.

“Yo! Anyone home?”

A dog began to bark loudly and Bucky made a show of covering his ears and stuck his tongue out at Xander, who’d begun to giggle in Darcy’s arms.

What happened next was fast and furious – a stampede of three pairs of little human feet plus a barking mutt came running down the stairs, bursting through the front door. Bucky was tackled by the largest kid, a boy, the two younger ones joining in and hitting his legs, the dog circling and barking.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Bucky yelled, but he’d begun to laugh.

Darcy wasn’t sure if she was supposed to help him pry off the kids so she remained still, watching them clamouring for his attention. Xander tried reaching for the dog and there came a yell from inside.

“Is my stupid, smelly brother here?”

Darcy met Bucky’s gaze and he laughed.

“Yeah! What about it?”

The woman who came down had brown hair like Bucky’s with blonde streaks throughout, dressed in a pair of leggings and a stained t-shirt.

Her nails were long and teal with diamante accents, and she covered her mouth with one taloned hand when she spotted Darcy.

“Oh, my God,” she squeaked. “Oh, my God. Hi… um, hi, welcome! Oh, my God!”

She blinked a few times, turning away.

“Becca, it’s okay. Don’t cry.”

Darcy bit her lip, feeling her own throat thicken with emotion.

“Please don’t cry,” she said, and Becca turned back, nodding.

“Hi, I’m Becca. I’m Bucky’s sister,” she said, fanning herself. “You’re Darcy Lewis.”

Darcy moved toward her and pulled her into a hug, feeling Becca’s hand touch her shoulder. She felt braver, moving back and smiling at her.

“I’m… this is so weird, you lived in my TV and now you’re here,” Becca whispered. She touched her hair a couple times, flushing. “Oh, God. I look awful.”

“You’re beautiful,” Darcy said, shaking her head.

“Oh, my God, Darcy Lewis said I was beautiful,” Becca whispered, more to herself than anyone else, and Bucky began to laugh.

“Hi, Becca,” he said, and his sister blinked at him as if remembering he was there.

She moved toward him, kissing his face.

“God, you’re still so hairy,” she muttered, and Darcy laughed. Becca glanced at Xander and lit up. “Oh, my God! He’s so… Jesus, he looks just like you. He’s so cute. Oh…”

She was still cooing as Bucky was pulled through the doorway by the eldest child, the other two behind them. Darcy watched the abduction, feeling Becca’s gaze on her.

It was the three of them on the doorstep now, Darcy, Becca and Xander.

“I know it’s short notice, I’m sorry if –” Darcy began, but she rolled her eyes. “I should have brought something.”

“Are you kidding?” Becca said. “You’re in my neighborhood, you came with my dumbass brother. I had your poster on my wall.”

Darcy met fans over the years, but not until this particular one had Darcy felt accepted completely. Maybe it was because the façade was completely gone. Even at the bar when she met fans she was putting on an act.

“Is it your day off?” Darcy asked, and Becca waved a hand, opening the door again for them to slip inside and move up the stairs to the apartment.

“I only work part-time. My husband’s shift was this morning,” she said. “Both nurses. Shoot, my hair. I meant to fix that appointment…”

They reached the front door and Darcy could hear the children beyond with Bucky, screaming and laughing. She smiled again, wondering what he was being subjected to.

Becca glanced at herself in a mirror by the coat rack, making a face. “Dang it, my roots…”

“You’re beautiful,” Darcy said again, and Becca put a hand to her heart. “You and…”

Becca’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “Has he been trying to put the moves on you?”

Darcy flushed, laughing. “Uh… not exactly.”

“I wasn’t kidding about him being a dumbass,” Becca said in an exaggerated whisper. “Anyway, you’ll want the tour. Please ignore any weird stains or odours, I have three kids under ten.”

She kept talking as they walked through the kitchen that had a pile of dishes in the sink, the refrigerator covered with photos and drawings and novelty magnets. Darcy thought about stopping and looking at it all, but Becca was already moving on.

“Is it weird to say you look almost exactly the same?” Becca asked, and Darcy shrugged.

“I’d… disagree.”

“Living room’s in here. Kids’ room is down that way, their uncle is probably in there right now getting the shit kick outta him. He’ll be fine, it happens every time. You want a drink?”

Darcy missed that last part, looking at the photoframes scattered around the mantelpiece and the walls. So many faces that looked vaguely similar. There was one of Bucky and Becca together, much younger. Bucky had no beard and short hair. Darcy noticed he still wore a chain like in the photographs.

“Hmm. I like that one,” Becca said, nodding at the photo Darcy stared at. “I was brunette still. Hadn’t met Paddy.”

Darcy glanced at her.

“Paddy’s my husband. Paddy O’Shea, hence the… three kids under ten. Anyway. Drink?”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

Becca touched her arm. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here.”

Darcy smiled at her, watching her go to the kitchen. She was glad she’d come, too. The longer she was there, the more she wanted to know about Bucky. She walked down the hallway with Xander, seeing more photos, the kids with gaps in their teeth, a few wedding photos. A Mets jersey in a frame, signed by a player.

She could hear a tiny piano being played, the tinkling notes among the overlapping voices. She walked into the kids’ room, her eyebrows hiking.

Bucky was sitting at the piano, the youngest child, a little girl on his lap. Bucky had a butterfly sticker on his cheek, playing something for his niece. The dog sat on the floor, his tail wagging.

He looked up, smiling. “Get the tour?”

“Kinda,” Darcy replied, and Xander began to wriggle so she set him down, sitting on the floor next to Bucky. “It’s a good look.”

Bucky gave a short laugh, nodding.

“Yeah, usually a feather boa gets added. It’s still early.”

Darcy looked at the two small boys hitting each other with a couple stuffed toys.

“Hey, fellas,” Bucky called. “You met Darcy yet?”

“Um, no?” the older one said, and he came over, panting. He didn’t know how to control the volume of his voice. “I’m Paddy Junior, nice to meet you.”

“And I’m-I’m Sean,” said the middle child. He was missing two front teeth. “I’m six, how old are you? Are you the lady on my mom’s CDs?”

“I –uh –” Darcy began.

“I’m Charlotte!” yelled the little girl, close to Darcy’s ear. “You’re _pretty_.”

“Thank you,” Darcy said, feeling Bucky’s eyes on her. She touched Xander’s head. “This is Alexander, but we call him Xander or AJ.”

“How old is he?”

“He’s two and a half,” Darcy said.

“I’m six!” Sean said again and she nodded.

There was a knock on the door and Darcy looked up, seeing Becca standing there with a pitcher of water and several plastic cups on a plate.

“Boys and girl. Uncle and Darcy,” she said, and Darcy couldn’t help smiling. “Time for a water break and then we’re watching a movie. It’s Charlotte’s turn to pick today, okay?”

“Charlotte’ll pick _Frozen_!” Paddy said with a groan, and Bucky began to laugh, tinkering with the piano some more.

“Oh, you never know, honey,” Becca said, with a little shrug. “She might branch out and we’ll watch… _Frozen_.”

Paddy didn’t find that funny at all, rolling his eyes.

“Thanks, I’ll be here all week,” Becca said. She walked off and Darcy watched her go.

“You can go with her if you want,” Bucky said, and she glanced at him, blinking.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Four against one is fine,” Bucky said with a wink.

Darcy kissed Xander’s crown before standing up and wandering out, her hands together. She took a deep breath when she got to the kitchen again, Becca’s back to her.

She cleared her throat and Becca jumped, spinning around with a knife in her hand.

“Jesus, you scared the shit outta me,” she gasped, but she began to laugh.

“Can I help?” Darcy asked, and Becca smiled.

“Really? Uh, sure. We’re having fruit salad and some sandwiches. Summer lunches are always so half-assed,” Becca babbled as Darcy moved closer to her, looking down at the chopping board laden with apples, oranges and bananas. There was a bunch of grapes to the side and Darcy picked them up, picking off grapes to put in the bowl where some strawberries sat.

“I talk when I’m nervous,” Becca said, shaking her head.

“I never talk when I’m nervous,” Darcy replied, and they both laughed.

“What’s that like, being quiet? You must get more done.”

Darcy shook her head. “I wear myself out, I think. With the anxiety and everything.”

Something passed over Becca’s face and she closed her eyes for a second.

“I am so sorry. I put my foot in my mouth sometimes. I… I’m sorry. I have no idea what your life is like.”

Darcy shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I’m just – honestly, I didn’t want to come, I didn’t – not that I don’t like it here, or you, you’re great…”

She could feel she was getting worked up and Becca stared at her, her knife poised.

“It’s not – I’m just – it’s me, not you,” Darcy said, and she winced, hating her choice of words. “It’s fine. I swear it’s fine.”

Darcy sighed. “Jesus, I’m a mess. I’m a fucking mess.”

To her horror, her eyes began to well with tears and she put down the grapes, passing a hand over her face. She felt Becca touch her arm and she winced again.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, Becca’s hand rubbing her arm to soothe her. “I gate crashed your house and now I’m crying in your kitchen.”

Darcy felt her chin wobble and closed her eyes, trying to press the tears back down. Becca didn’t say a word against her, just rubbed her arm again and again.

After a couple minutes Darcy looked at her, seeing Becca’s brows knitted together.

“I’ve got nothing to cry about,” Darcy whispered, and Becca shook her head.

“You cry if you want. If that’s what you need. Okay?”

“Okay,” Darcy said, her voice still small.

They put together the fruit salad in silence, moving onto the sandwiches. By the time they’d done that, Bucky came in with the kids, Paddy carrying the tray with the pitcher and cups. The dog came in, too, circling Darcy and sniffing.

“Buster – out,” Becca said, nudging his nose out of the way.

The kitchen was crowded as the kids moved through to wash hands and then go sit down at the table. Darcy felt Bucky touch her lower back and she stilled, his voice at her ear.

“You okay?” he murmured, and she nodded, swallowing.

He moved away, pulling back one of the chairs and nodding to it, and Darcy came over and sat, Bucky pushing her in.

Becca caught Darcy’s eye and lifted her brow again, assessing. Darcy ducked her gaze to her plate that was piled with fruit and a sandwich. She moved to pick up her fork when they’d all sat down, Bucky beside her, Sean on her other side, Becca opposite her with Xander in her lap.

Becca clasped her hands and Darcy dropped her fork, remembering.

“Sean, your turn to say Grace,” Becca said, and she crossed herself. “In the name of the Father, the Son…”

Darcy froze, not quite confident enough to motion crossing herself, watching Bucky beside her. She’d never seen him do it before.

They all closed their eyes except Darcy, and she stared at Bucky’s long dark eyelashes while Sean began to speak.

“Thank you God for our food, our health and…”

Bucky opened one eye and Darcy was caught, her face flushing. She stuck out her tongue and something flashed in Bucky’s eye, one of his hands going down under the table. He squeezed Darcy’s thigh and she bit her cheek to stop herself from making a sound.

“Hey, James Barnes,” Becca piped up, her eyes still closed. “Keep your hands to yourself.”

Darcy was convinced Becca had some kind of superpower and Bucky moved his hand back, still looking at Darcy.

Sean finished Grace and they tucked into their food. When they were done, Darcy helped clear the plates. She glanced at the clock on the wall.

“Xander’s nap,” she murmured, and she looked at her son in Becca’s arms.

“Take Charlotte’s bed,” she said, and Darcy nodded, taking him from her. She picked up his bag on the way and changed his diaper on the floor, pulling him up to lay him down on the bed.

“He alright?”

Darcy turned her head, seeing Bucky standing in the doorway. Xander was already asleep, so Darcy whispered.

“Yeah. Go watch the movie.”

“Nah, I want you to come with,” he whispered back.

They looked at one another and Darcy could make out the sounds of the Disney intro coming from the living room. Bucky leaned against the doorway.

Darcy felt something sneak up on her. A realization of some kind, something equally frightening and exhilarating. She thought Bucky might sense it in her, his eyes still on her, softer than before.

She felt safe here, with his family. It felt right.

She finally looked away, standing up. She moved passed him and into the hallway and he followed her. They walked into the living room and Bucky sat on the floor in front of Darcy while she sat next to Becca on the couch. Every so often throughout the movie, Bucky’s hand would touch Darcy’s ankle and Darcy felt her stomach flutter.

Once the movie was over, Bucky glanced at the clock and then Darcy and she nodded. It was time to go. She didn’t want to push her limits. She went to go get Xander and pack his bag up again. She could hear Becca murmuring to Bucky in the hallway.

“She is gorgeous.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky murmured back.

Darcy tried to tune it out, sure Bucky would mention how she was married, how her life was messy right now. Darcy hadn’t touched her phone in hours, but she knew the articles would have multiplied by the hundreds by now.

Darcy got up with Xander in her arms, meeting Becca and Bucky in the hallway, both of them dropping their conversation.

“It’s was so nice having you,” Becca said, and Darcy smiled. “I hope you can come back sometime soon.”

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Darcy said, and she meant it.

The three kids waved to her and Bucky from their room and Becca walked them out and down the stairs. She pulled Bucky into a hug, kissing his cheek.

“Look after yourself,” she murmured, and he nodded. “Okay? Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I do,” he said.

Becca turned to Darcy, pulling her into a hug.

“I hope I didn’t freak you out too much. I might start playing some GRLPWR CDs once you’re in the car and freak out completely in private, but…”

Darcy laughed. “Thank you. I had fun.”

“Y’know, _he_ was the one with the crush on you,” Becca said, and Bucky pressed his lips together, moving away and down the steps toward the car.

“_Goodbye_, Becca!”

“Bye, asshole!” Becca called back, laughing. She glanced at Darcy. “The VMAs in 2006? He’d never seen you perform before and his eyes glazed over. Then, when it was over –”

“Hey!” Bucky cut in, and Darcy laughed. “She doesn’t need to hear that.”

“I’m curious,” Darcy admitted.

Becca began to cackle, tickling Xander’s chin. She dropped her voice to a whisper.

“Went _straight_ to his room afterwards.”

“REBECCA!”

Darcy glanced at Bucky, seeing his face had gone pink and she bit her lip. He rubbed his neck, unlocking the door and slipping into the driver’s seat.

“Anyway, bye,” Becca said, still laughing, a twinkle in her eye.

Darcy kissed her cheek, walking down with Xander. She put him in the car seat and sat in the front seat, watching the side of Bucky’s face, seeing there was still colour in his cheeks.

Nothing was said for several minutes, the radio playing Blondie to fill the silence. Darcy kept looking at him, waiting for him to break.

“Becca’s got a big mouth.”

“How old were you when you saw me performing?” Darcy asked, and Bucky looked at her, blinking.

“Nineteen.”

“I mean, I was fifteen,” she replied. “Little bit young for you, right? I think I’d _just_ turned fifteen, too.”

Bucky gaped for a couple seconds, blinking. He made a sound low in his throat.

“Jesus, I… I don’t know what to say to that. You’re right. You were like –”

“Jail bait?” Darcy cut in, one eyebrow raised. She was enjoying this, seeing him under pressure. 

“Do _not_ say that,” he said, laughing. “I…”

“It’s okay, just admit that you’re a dirty old man, it’s fine,” Darcy murmured, and Bucky glanced at her again, shaking his head.

They didn’t talk much after that, and Darcy leaned against the window ledge, closing her eyes. She dozed off at one point, coming back when they were closer to Carol’s place, and she looked into the backseat to see Xander had fallen asleep as well.

She wiped her mouth, stretching.

They pulled up at the house and Darcy pulled Xander out, Bucky carrying his bag. They slipped inside, Carol nowhere to be seen. Brent waved to them along the way, telling them Carol was upstairs recording. Darcy nodded, smiling.

She fed Xander some rice and tofu, but he was barely keeping his eyes open, eventually lying down on the bed in the pool house, his plate only half empty. Darcy put it aside, licking her thumb and pulling off his shoes. Bucky had stayed in the kitchen when she left, and she wondered whether to call it an early night.

She spotted a familiar shadow on the poolhouse blinds and smiled, getting up from the bed. She shut the door behind her, seeing Bucky leaning against the pillar, his warm gaze on her.

“Drink?”

“Please.”

He walked off, but Darcy followed him, leaning against the bench as he made her a vodka soda, himself a whiskey neat. When she picked up her glass, he tapped it with his.

“To my sister’s big mouth,” he said, and Darcy snorted.

They sat together with their feet in the pool, their thighs touching.

Darcy tilted her head back, drinking, feeling him watch her. It was like he couldn’t look away. Darcy still had to get used to it.

“Good day?” he murmured.

“The best,” Darcy replied, and he smiled.

She felt her stomach flip, biting her lip as she glanced away. He raked a hand through his hair and grunted.

“What is it?”

“Too hot. My hair’s a pain in the ass. Charlotte kept calling me Mr. Snuffleupagus.”

Darcy threw her head back, laughing.

“Like the fucking mammoth from _Sesame Street_?” she managed to say, and Bucky nodded.

“Yeah, I’d bet Becca put her up to it, too,” Bucky muttered. He took out a cigarette and lit it, taking a drag. “I’m glad you find it funny, baby.”

Darcy snorted into her glass, feeling her stomach flip again. She took his cigarette from him, taking a drag and handing it back, exhaling through her nose.

“Let me cut it.”

“You’d do that?” Bucky asked, and she nodded.

“I cut Xander’s hair because he’s scared of the hairdresser. Nearly lost an ear the last time I tried to make him go, so I’ve cut it for the last year.”

Bucky blew out more smoke. “Okay.”

“Okay, you’ll let me?” Darcy said, and he nodded.

They went to the bathroom in the main house, the one with a spa bath and mirrors everywhere. Brent came in with them, his eyebrows at his hairline.

“You know, we can call someone to come here and do this in like, thirty minutes. Carol’s stylist is here every ten days or so,” he said, watching Darcy set up hair clippers she’d brought from her apartment. “We could get someone here faster if Carol’s the one who calls.”

“I already got a stylist, man, don’t worry about it,” Bucky said, nodding at Darcy.

Brent walked off, whispering something in exasperation about straight boys and Darcy snorted, inspecting the clippers.

Bucky tugged off his shirt and threw it aside, folding his arms. Darcy stared for a couple seconds in one of the mirrors. She turned around, the clippers aloft.

“You might want a towel around your shoulders.”

Bucky grabbed one of the monogrammed ones from a pile next to the sink and sat back down again.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Darcy echoed.

She began with shearing an inch off all over, the hair falling on Bucky’s shoulders and on the floor. She circled, brushing off stray hairs.

“How short are you thinking?” Darcy asked, and Bucky blinked.

“Uh, I dunno.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. It was still long, but no longer to his shoulders.

“Definitely shorter than this.”

“Maybe…”

Darcy picked up a piece of his hair, pulling it straight above his head, and then she placed a fingertip an inch above the ends of it.

“This?”

“More.”

“More?” she repeated, and Bucky nodded. Her finger went down further, until it was close enough to his head that if she cut it that short, he’d have the same haircut as the one Darcy saw in the photograph of him and Becca.

“Okay,” she murmured.

She set to work, Bucky’s hands brushing away the clumps at they fell, and Darcy smoothed his head every so often, biting her lip in concentration. She put the clippers aside and got out a pair of scissors, trimming the ends and pulling her fingers through it.

His scent was everywhere. She felt so close to him, helping him like this. At one point, she saw the back of his neck and her stomach flipped. It was so strange, that something like a patch of skin and muscle with a chain resting against it could make Darcy pause, full of longing.

“You look good,” she murmured, and she glanced up to look at Bucky’s reflection.

He ran a hand through his hair, playing with it.

“Thank you.”

“Jesus!”

Darcy’s eyes snapped to the doorway, seeing Carol standing there with a shorter redhead beside her, Carol’s arm around her shoulders.

“Did Darcy do that?” Carol asked, and Bucky nodded. “Jesus.”

Carol sounded a little off, buzzed maybe. Darcy went to put the scissors away as Carol barged in, kicking some of the hair on the floor around.

“We could donate it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Bucky said, but he sounded half-hearted.

“I’ll get a vacuum,” Darcy said, and she ducked out.

She couldn’t help feeling like the moment was ruined. She went to the laundry, trying to find something to use, spotting a handheld vacuum charging in a cupboard, picking it up. She marched back into the bathroom and crouched down to vacuum up Bucky’s hair, hearing Carol chatting to him, the girl beside her watching Darcy on her knees.

“I’m Julie,” she said, and Darcy glanced up at her, blinking.

“Darcy,” she replied in a small voice.

“I know,” Julie said with a little laugh. “Carol said you’re staying here. That’s so wild, like a reunion on the down low, huh?”

“Something like that,” Darcy said, standing up. “I mean, my marriage is over, but it’s cool.”

Julie blinked at her, her smiling fading. “Oh, right. Sorry, I didn’t –”

“It’s fine,” Darcy said, and she walked out again, going back to the laundry.

She sighed, closing her eyes. She knew she didn’t need to react that way. The poor girl was just making conversation. She thought about going back and apologizing, but she decided to go back to the pool house instead. Again, she needed to acknowledge her limits.

She shut the pool house door behind her, leaning against it. She could hear Xander sleeping in the bed.

There was a knock, soft, and a whisper.

“Darce?”

Bucky again. She kept still, waiting.

“Baby?”

She turned, opening the door and nearly walking straight into him. He backed away by a step, still so little space between them. Darcy glanced down to see the clippers in the little bag that she’d left behind.

“You forgot these.”

“Thanks,” she murmured. She took them, nodding at him. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

“Okay, good night,” he whispered.

She moved to duck back inside.

“Another thing.”

She turned her head, looking at him.

“What?”

He pulled out a piece of paper from his jeans back pocket, holding it up. It was a little butterfly sticker with looped writing around it. It looked like it was supposed to say ‘Darcy’.

“I helped Charlotte before.”

Darcy reached to take it, swallowing.

“That it?” she whispered.

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Absolutely.”

Then he closed the gap between them, his hands reaching up to cup Darcy’s face, and he tilted his head to meet hers, pressing his mouth to hers. Darcy closed her eyes, sighing, and it turned into a real kiss, lips moving together, and they left the world, just for those few moments, and Darcy breathed him in.

Darcy pulled back, her hand on his chest, smoothing the material of his shirt. She closed her eyes again when he pressed another kiss to her forehead.

“Sorry, I just…”

How could he be sorry for doing that? She grabbed his shirt a little tighter when he moved to let her go, and he looked down at her. She kissed him this time, his lower lip between hers, and the tip of his tongue teased the seam of her lips, her stomach fluttering as she opened her mouth to him.

He drank from her, their tongues tangling, his hands in her hair. Darcy moaned, whimpering when he finally pulled back, both of them panting.

_“God,”_ he whispered.

“I’m going to bed,” she whispered back, and he nodded, licking his lips.

“Okay.”

“I – I want…” Darcy whispers. “I…”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, and he stroked her face. “I promise. Go to bed, I’ll see you in the mornin’.”

Darcy didn’t know how she was meant to go to sleep after this.

She nodded, hesitating.

“Go to bed, baby,” he whispered, and he kissed her, light.

He opened the door for her and Darcy stepped inside, her hand on the doorknob.

She pulled him in another kiss and he made a sound against her mouth, and it was then Darcy realized he was barely keeping it inside, what he was feeling. It was like the night she asked about him taking down her photo.

“I want you,” she whispered, despite the voice screaming in her head, telling her to keep quiet. “I want you to know that, that I want you.”

Bucky swallowed.

“I like you,” she whispered.

“I like you, too,” he whispered back.

He stroked her face again, then pulled back.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. “And goodnight.”

Darcy mouthed ‘goodnight’ and turned, shutting the door. She heard his retreating footsteps, and she closed her eyes, feeling the hammering of her heart in her tight chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Fake Plastic Trees](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5h0qHwNrHk) by Radiohead  
[my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	9. Part Nine: SOS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My two brain cells are named Angst and Smut and you've been warned. Does this count as a slow burn anymore? Who even cares? Live a little.

**Part Nine: SOS**

As she predicted, Darcy didn’t sleep well that night. It was partly Bucky. There was no doubt in her mind now about how she felt about him. She was no longer tentative, denying anything inside. She had Feelings with a capital ‘F’, and she was doomed.

She lay down beside Xander, moving to touch his hair, running her hand through it. The next part of the equation hit her fast: this was her son, in Carol’s pool house, sleeping here because she had left her husband.

Then the worrying. Bucky said it before, he didn’t want to force his way into something. She had Xander to consider, the messiness of trying to divorce someone, as in completely separate from them in property and title. It was a lot. She hadn’t done this before. Then she remembered the appointment she had tomorrow with the lawyer.

She closed her eyes, thinking about what tomorrow would bring. So much stress with little reprieve. She tried to make a list of everything in her head, to break it down in little steps to find it more manageable. Her therapist had told her to do this more than once, just to get through each day. Darcy was tempted to throw it all aside, to hide away in the pool house and watch _Peppa Pig_ on her phone with Xander, pretend the outside world was just that – outside, and therefore none of her concern. She knew it didn’t work that way.

She sighed, turning over to pick up her phone. She opened Instagram, seeing comments on her latest photo with Carol, well wishes from people she knew, and then kind words from strangers reaching out to her. She opened her DMs and thought about writing something to Bucky.

What was she supposed to say? ‘I like you but I’m scared’? ‘I want you but I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you’? She hesitated too long, losing her nerve. She locked her phone and lay back down, squeezing her eyes shut.

-

In the morning, she gathered up some things for Xander and walked out with him to the kitchen, seeing some of Carol’s crew in there already. Perhaps Julie, the redhead, had stayed for the night and Carol was busy. Darcy envied her, a little. She did whatever she wanted and seemed to never suffer because of it.

Darcy remembered being shoved into the same room as Carol for the first time when they were both fourteen. The marketing people at Hubble had narrowed it down to the two of them as the next big thing for the label, and they needed to see if they actually got along. Darcy was told by her mother that even if they hated one another they had to pretend otherwise, and that she couldn’t pass this opportunity up, not ever. Darcy was terrified, convinced Carol would think she was weird. Darcy didn’t have friends her age. She only had her mother, and her interactions with her cousins at family gatherings were always a little off. Darcy was prone to sitting in corners humming to herself or making up stories in her head. She wasn’t exactly typical.

When Carol first lay eyes on her, she narrowed her eyes before bursting into a smile, yelling ‘just kidding’ and Darcy began to giggle along with her.

Darcy grabbed some fruit and yoghurt for Xander, sitting him on her lap to help feed him. She knew yoghurt was a high-risk kind of breakfast for her toddler, but they soldiered through it, managing to only make a little mess on his face and bib, not his clean clothes. There was no sign of Bucky, and Darcy wondered if he’d chosen to avoid her.

_I like you, too._

He’d said that last night. Darcy tried to push it away, the doubt, the voice that told her he hadn’t any sense liking her in the first place. She tried to keep her mind on what was way more urgent – keeping Xander safe, keeping him close, making sure she was doing enough for him.

May Parker was the woman Carol recommended. She was a friend of a friend. Darcy hadn’t bothered Googling her, so when she pulled up at the offices in Manhattan after parking her car downstairs, she wondered if bringing Xander was such a good idea. She had no impression of the place, and maybe a toddler was not appropriate. He held onto Mickey while Darcy walked up to the reception, Mickey’s ear in his mouth as she checked-in.

“Darcy Lewis?” came a voice, and Darcy glanced over to see a woman in the doorway to her office, her glasses sitting on her head.

She had long dark hair and big, expressive eyes. She was very beautiful and dressed like she was one of those mommy bloggers Darcy followed online. Maybe half art professor, half cool aunt. She smiled at Darcy and Darcy’s lips parted.

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Please come in,” she said, and Darcy walked through, Xander’s eyes doing the same as her own, inspecting everything.

Darcy sat down in front of the desk on a large leather chaise longue, keeping Xander in her lap.

“Did you find us okay?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, and she cleared her throat. “Yeah, it was fine. I should have probably checked if my son can be here.”

“We specialise in these family matters, Miss Lewis,” May said, smiling. She sat down, placing her hands together. “I got an email from an old buddy of mine I used to beat in poker. I knew this had to be important since he’s usually sore about that.”

“Do I have to explain?” Darcy said, and May paused, her face changing. “Because I don’t really feel like giving you every detail. It’s kind of… painful.”

“That’s fair. I’ll be candid,” May replied. She licked her lips. “My nephew probably listened to your music growin’ up. He’s lived with me since he was about your son’s age.”

She glanced at Xander, who was sucking on Mickey’s nose now, his gaze a little weary.

“I didn’t know you were married. When my friend asked about representing you in a divorce case I thought, okay. That I can do.”

“Do I have to talk about why?” Darcy asked. “Like, why I want a divorce?”

“You don’t ever have to explain yourself to me, Miss –”

“Darcy. You can call me Darcy,” Darcy cut in, and May smiled.

“Okay. Darcy, you don’t owe me anything. What I tend to write down is irreconcilable differences.”

That sounded about right. Darcy couldn’t imagine a world in which she went back to Phil. At least not since she found the Twitter DMs.

“What about adultery? Or mental cruelty?”

Something passed over May’s face, and Darcy thought of her nephew, how fiercely May must have protected him over the years.

“That’s not what happened,” Darcy added hastily, putting up a hand. “At least, not the mental cruelty part.”

She felt herself blush and she glanced away.

“I’m sorry this happened to you, Darcy,” May said, and Darcy glanced back at her, seeing what she assumed was sincerity on May’s face.

Darcy had been in rooms like this before, with suits. They never cared about her, at least not in the ways that truly mattered. If she’d gone to a lawyer at Hubble about this, they would have pitched a reality TV show of some kind, dollar signs in their eyes.

“I want a divorce, with shared custody,” Darcy said.

“Are you sure?” May said, and Darcy let out a little laugh, lacking mirth.

“I dunno. It’s what I’m supposed to want, right? My son having both his parents in his life. I didn’t have that, growing up.”

Darcy’s eyes widened as she realized what she might be implying about May’s own situation and she opened her mouth to explain, but May shook her head.

“It’s fine. I know what you mean,” she said. She picked up a pen and took out a notepad, starting to write down a few things. “Tell me exactly what you want out of this. No pressure, no explanations, no outside influence. What do _you_ want?”

Darcy hesitated, glancing down at Xander. He looked back at her, Mickey’s ear popping out of his mouth.

“I…”

“You know him better than anyone, right? And you’d do anything for him,” May said, and Darcy nodded. “But what do you want?”

“I don’t think about it that often,” Darcy whispered, and she felt her eyes sting. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I know it’s hard. You can take as long as you need.”

Darcy was relieved someone understood, someone who was virtually a stranger. She sniffed, letting out a shaky breath.

“I want him with me, always,” she said. “I don’t know if my husband would do a good enough job.”

May nodded. “Would you be willing to state that with a judge present?”

“Would this go that far?” Darcy asked, her eyes widening.

“Hypothetically,” May said, her pen poised. “And do you have specific examples?”

Darcy shut her eyes for a moment, trying to think. “Wait. You’re saying I’d have to –”

“Talk about your husband’s parenting style? Yeah. If you want sole custody.”

Darcy shook her head, feeling the anxiety twist in her stomach, the room feeling smaller.

“I… I’m not prepared to do that,” Darcy said. “Because he’d have more to say against me.”

May frowned. “I doubt that –”

“I have a history of, um, mental illness. I was depressed after Xander was born,” she murmured.

For whatever reason, she couldn’t look May in the eye. She stared at her hands instead, watching her pen still, her fingers smoothing the page a couple times as she considered Darcy’s words.

“Did you go out partying when you were depressed, with a newborn at home?” May asked, and Darcy frowned.

“God, no.”

“Well, there you go. Did your husband take the load off when you were suffering?”

“No, I didn’t let him. I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone touching Xander but me. I don’t think I spent more than a couple minutes for the first year not touching him,” Darcy said, feeling herself blush, and she swallowed thickly. “Recently, I spent two days in his nursery, only leaving to get food or use the bathroom.”

“What did your husband do?”

“He asked me what was wrong, held Xander for a little while before we started arguing,” Darcy murmured. She sucked in a breath. “I… I’m scared he’ll use that against me if I try to get sole custody. And then people will talk.”

May nodded, sighing. “I understand. I could take the steps to negotiate with his lawyers, but nothing has to be set in stone. I’ll investigate. A soft negotiation.”

Darcy met her gaze, blinking. “Okay. Is that… does that work, sometimes?”

May opened her mouth, tilting her head. “Well…”

“You can’t make promises,” Darcy cut in. She ducked her head, sighing. “Okay.”

“My advice? Do not call your husband. Email him, message him. Give him updates on your son, keep him in the general loop. Do not engage in any negative behaviour he may throw your way.”

Darcy had sent him a few texts telling him to speak to Denise if he felt the urge to contact her, and so far she hadn’t received anything in return. It felt like something was about to sneak up on her, but she’d tried to not think about it for the last few days.

“What if I’ve heard nothing from him?” she asked.

May let out a breath. “Again, a soft negotiation. I’ll need his contact details. Did you have a statement released already by your management?”

“My mother? I think so,” Darcy said.

The last she checked, the articles said she was making no comment on the matter and would appreciate privacy at this difficult time. Denise had not tried to call her again.

Darcy left the office a few minutes later, holding Xander a little closer, hoping against every other instinct that May might be able to help. She was keen to get back to Carol’s and lie down with Xander for his nap. Maybe she’d grab something nice to eat on the way.

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and she took it out just after waving goodbye to May and walking out. In the elevator, she unlocked her phone and saw a DM from Bucky.

** _Sorry I didn’t catch you this morning before you left_ **

Darcy wondered what to say back. Another message appeared without prompting.

** _Couldn’t sleep last night. I should have set an alarm. Not used to doing that. I hope it went okay with the lawyer. I feel like a jackass._ **

Darcy felt her stomach flip. Bucky wasn’t avoiding her as far as she could tell. Then more appeared. He seemed to be on a roll.

** _I had the best time yesterday. Do you need anything? I guess I should stop spamming you. _ **

Darcy felt her lips spread into a smile. She began to type back.

** _I’m heading back now. _ **

The elevator opened at the basement floor and Darcy walked back to the car, taking her time to put Xander in his chair before slipping into the front seat. She felt her phone buzz again and checked it.

** _Can I call you?_ **

Darcy called him instead of replying, feeling the rush of anticipation, remembering last night, the sound he made against her mouth.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Darcy breathed.

“How’re you? Xander okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, and she smiled. “May’s gonna try and do a soft negotiation. She’s… she’s really nice.”

“That’s good, I’m so glad,” Bucky murmured.

She could hear he was outside, the splash of water in the background. There was a little music playing.

“I wanted to hear your voice,” he added. “I… I want to go out for dinner. I mean, I want to take you out – I mean, if you wanted to I’d –”

“Bucky, I want to have dinner with you,” she interrupted, and she heard his soft chuckle.

“I may have just punched the air,” he whispered, and Darcy began to laugh, picturing him.

They fell silent and Darcy glanced in the rearview mirror, seeing Xander looking back at her, smiling.

-

Darcy arrived back at Carol’s, Xander on her hip as she walked up to the front door.

She saw Julie come racing down the path, looking distraught.

“Are you -?” Darcy began, but the girl walked straight past her, tears streaming down her face. “Wait!”

Julie whipped her head around, wiping her nose with her wrist, sniffling.

“It’s not right! She can’t treat people like this!”

She half-screamed it and Darcy froze, holding Xander a little tighter. Julie walked straight up to her, her hands on her hips.

“How can you be friends with someone like her?” she hissed.

Darcy knew she meant Carol. She must have asked Julie to leave, for whatever reason. Julie waited for Darcy’s reply, narrowing her eyes. She looked at Xander and Darcy finally stepped back.

“Bitch.”

Darcy grit her teeth. “You must have known what she’s like before you met her. Grow up.”

Julie’s mouth fell open. “Are you fucking _kidding _me? ME grow up? What about you? Hanging out at your friend’s house when your marriage is over?”

“I thought you were leaving,” Darcy snapped.

Julie let out a huff and stalked off, leaving Darcy staring after her. She felt the words sink in. In a way, she was right. She didn’t have many excuses, not that she thought it mattered too much what some random hook-up of Carol’s thought of her.

She sighed, watching Julie in the distance turn the corner and disappear from her sight. When she got to the front door and ducked inside, she could hear louder music playing from the living room down the hall. There was a loud whirring sound from the kitchen, someone using the blender, and she could smell weed and incense.

She should have stayed in the city, found a hotel. She kissed Xander’s head, moving down the hall and walking past several people she’d never seen before. She didn’t see Carol anywhere, but Brent was cracking eggs in the kitchen.

“Hello, Miss Thing,” he called. “You’re looking cute.”

“Thanks,” Darcy murmured, ducking out of the way of some kid without a shirt on. “Jesus.”

She stalked outside, reaching the pool house and wrenching the door open. She saw Bucky sitting on the bed, smiling. The joy on his face instantly faded at the sight of her.

“Are you okay?”

“Does this shit ever stop around here?” Darcy hissed, and she placed Xander on the floor, dropping her handbag by the shut door. “And I saw Julie run out –”

“Who?”

“One of Carol’s girls,” Darcy said, giving an elaborate shrug. “I’m pretty sure she wants us both dead, so that’s great.”

It hit Darcy all at once, the morning, the appointment with May, the drive to and from the city, the house being a constant party, the noises, the smells…

“Oh, God,” she whispered, and she put her face in her hands.

She heard Bucky move off the bed and felt his hands on her arms a couple seconds later, his lips pressing to her head.

“C’mere,” he murmured.

She sucked in a breath, moving her hands from her face, Bucky’s big blue eyes up close. She stared, seeing he looked different to last night.

“You shaved.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Are you okay?”

She touched his face, feeling how soft his skin was, her lips parting. He looked just like the photo she saw yesterday. He even wore the same chain, the metal resting on his adorable neck Darcy touched with her other hand.

“Darcy?”

“Hmmm?”

“You good?” he said, and she blinked, blushing. He smiled at her.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, and she moved back, going to Xander to pick him up and place him on the bed with Mickey.

Bucky stood by the door, moving the shade to the side to look out.

“You grab some lunch on the way in?” he asked.

Darcy nodded. “I got Xander something on the drive.”

“But not you?” he said, turning back. No judgment, just a knowing look. He probably had the same conversations with Becca all the time. Her kids came first.

“Nope,” Darcy murmured, popping the word, making Xander giggle.

She moved to take off Xander’s shoes, feeling Bucky’s eyes still on her.

“I’ll get something,” she said, light. She finally looked up again. “What?”

“Nothin’. When he’s asleep, we’ll go get your lunch,” he murmured.

There was something in his eye, something boyish. He was trying to read her, like he wasn’t sure of something.

She lay Xander down, brushing his hair back. She dropped her voice to a whisper.

“Do you… want to hang out?”

Bucky went instantly pink and Darcy grinned. She thought of that little story Becca told her, of Bucky disappearing into his room so soon after seeing her on TV. Was it a little wrong to be turned on by that?

“_I want to_,” Darcy mouthed, and he nodded, grinning again.

Darcy turned back to Xander, feeling her heart begin to hammer in her chest. She had no idea what she was doing. She felt like the first time she had a date. It was fake, but Darcy remembered the anticipation, the guessing. She wanted to kiss him, badly.

She heard Bucky slip out of the pool house and she watched Xander’s eyes flutter shut, and she tucked Mickey under his arm, stroking his chubby cheek.

Darcy left fifteen minutes later, seeing Brent sitting in one of the deck chairs. He grinned around his vape pen. Darcy could hear Rihanna’s _SOS_ playing from somewhere inside the house.

“Hello.”

“Hi,” Brent said. “Heard Carol’s little friend left.”

“Is there a chance she’ll be back? With some TP or a couple cartons of eggs?” Darcy asked.

Brent snorted.

“We’ve got a hose.”

“Dibs on that, if she does come back,” Darcy said, and Brent’s eyebrows hiked. “She… was mean.”

“Good for you, Miss Thing,” Brent said. He winked at her, getting up. “I should go see if Her Majesty will be peeling herself off her mattress sometime today.”

They walked together to the house and Brent winked at Bucky in the kitchen as he glided through. There was a loud cheer from the living room, and Darcy and Bucky were left alone, Darcy resting one elbow on the counter. Bucky was making a PB&J sandwich on white bread.

“No crusts cut off?” Darcy asked, and he rose an eyebrow, sucking his thumb clean.

“Not since I was little. Impressed?”

Darcy leaned forward, her breasts pressing against the stone benchtop. Bucky’s eyes dip for a fraction and she smiled wider.

“Maybe.”

She was winging this. In truth, she had no idea how far she could take this. She hoped she wasn’t all talk. Bucky leaned back, picking up his plate and moved to leave, grabbing Darcy’s hand to bring her along. She giggled, her heart racing.

They walked down the hallway and up the stairs, and Bucky nudged a door open with his elbow, revealing one of the rooms Darcy saw during the visit. No pets, no roommates, and no real bed to speak of.

“Oh, my God,” Darcy said, when he shut the door behind them with a soft thud. “I kicked you out of the pool house and you’re sleeping on the floor.”

“I’ve slept in worse places,” he murmured.

There was a mattress on the floor, alongside papers and a guitar, pens and notebooks. It smelt more of dust than him but she could detect it on the blanket and pillow he had lain aside.

Darcy hovered, until Bucky put down the plate on the shelf above him, beckoning her.

“Sit down.”

She sank to the floor, thinking about him being up there at night while Darcy was sleeping in his bed.

“No wonder you couldn’t sleep,” she murmured, but he only shrugged.

“Nothin’ to do with the digs, baby,” he murmured, easy.

He was thinking about her. Darcy glanced at the sandwich above them, edging a little closer.

“I’m not… hungry,” she whispered.

“Yeah, me neither,” he said, and he smiled again.

Darcy lay down on her side, Bucky copying her. She reached out, her hand gliding up to thread through his hair. He watched her, his lips parting. She shuffled closer still, their legs tangling.

He tilted his head, their noses brushing. Darcy wet her lips, waiting. He was so close his two eyes became one, and she closed the gap, pressing her mouth to his.

She melted into it, his hand going to her side and down her waist to her hip, bringing her body closer, until they were pressed together. Darcy opened her mouth to him, moaning when his tongue slipped inside, closing her eyes.

She thought about pacing herself, trying to meet his enthusiasm, but she raced ahead instead, sucking his lips and tongue, kissing him again and again. She hooked her leg over his hip and he turned, rolling on top of her, his hands cupping her face.

The only person Darcy kissed lately was Xander, so she hadn’t considered it a sexual thing for quite some time. She couldn’t remember the last time she kissed Phil, probably when Xander was born, when she was delirious from the ordeal of childbirth. That was all a blur. She didn’t know now if she was doing it right, but Bucky seemed to respond to the push and pull of it.

They were panting, and Bucky lying on top of her made her feel so different, the idea itself of touching someone this way so unfamiliar, though Darcy knew she’d done it before. It had been so long. She didn’t know what to do with her body, but all she wanted was to kiss him, and to feel kissed.

“There’s – no – A/C – in here,” Bucky whispered, punctuating each word with a kiss to Darcy’s lips, and she nodded, feeling sticky with sweat already on her back, making her shirt stick to her skin.

She moved her hands down his back, feeling the contours of his broad shoulders, his muscles under his t-shirt. She got to the hem of it, lifting it up at the back.

“Take this off,” she panted, and Bucky planted another kiss before moving back on his knees and tugging his shirt off.

From her place lying on the floor, Darcy could see his hair sticking up, his mouth wet and pink, his eyes blown.

“Did you lock the door?” she added, and he turned back, getting up.

Darcy waited, licking her lips, feeling kind of dizzy. This was happening. She was making out with kind, ridiculously gorgeous Bucky, when she never thought it would get this far. He locked the door and turned back, returning to the floor, and leaning down to kiss Darcy again, softer.

“Okay?” he murmured, and she nodded.

“I’m a little nervous,” she admitted, feeling her face flush again. She swallowed.

“You wanna stop?” Bucky said, moving to pull back, and Darcy’s eyes widened as she shook her head.

She grabbed his shoulders, attempting to pull him toward her again, and his knee went between her thighs, a smile spreading on his face. His skin felt so warm and firm, her fingers tracing a tendon on his arm.

“You’re so…” she whispered, and she didn’t know what to say, her mind was muddled.

He just kept looking at her, and Darcy pulled him into another kiss, her hips lifting a little when he moaned into her mouth. She improvised, taking one of his hands he rested by her head and trailing it down, under the hem of her shirt. His fingers skittered across the skin of her stomach and Darcy shivered, and Bucky pulled back to look her in the eye.

“You can –” she panted. “Under –”

His hand moved up to run his fingers up her bra cup under her shirt and Darcy shivered again, shifting her hips against the bulk of his thigh. She whimpered when he cupped her, her kisses clumsier as she began to rock against him.

When was the last time she had an orgasm? Would it be too sad to think about? She knew when Xander was conceived it was very methodical, very little pleasure involved. She lay there waiting for Phil to come, and then afterwards she had her legs up and resting against the wall. She didn’t have a lot of privacy, so any kind of self-love hadn’t happened in months, either. It wasn’t something she really thought about.

Except now her clit was insistent in her leggings, and Darcy found herself angling her hips, seeking out the pressure she needed so desperately.

Bucky moved down her face to her neck, and Darcy made a contented sound, her fingers digging into his arms, all the while rocking against his thigh. His hand squeezed her tit and she moaned, moving her hands to her shirt to pull it up.

They only broke apart for her to throw it aside, and Bucky looked down at her chest, licking his lips. Darcy wore a basic beige one that was a little worn and probably smelt of sweat too much, but he was looking at her like he’d never seen a pair of tits before. He went back in, kissing her throat, his hands all over her chest now, squeezing and rolling them. Darcy whimpered, clenching her thighs around Bucky’s leg, bumping her clit against his bulk. Her hands went behind her back and she fumbled for the clasp, Bucky moving his hands to help her, his eyes glued to her chest.

Her nipples had changed since Xander was born. They were a little darker, and she could remember when they cracked, when they used to seep milk into her bras, the mess they made. They used to smell different, too. She wondered if it was what Bucky expected when she pulled off her bra, throwing the garment aside. Her tits lay heavy against her, and she met his gaze, biting her lip.

“God, you’re…” Bucky whispered. _“Fuck.”_

He moved his head down and kissed her mouth, both of them moaning when his hands went to cup her bare breasts, her nipples like a direct line to her cunt. He teased them, his tongue pushing into her mouth like he was trying to possess her, leave her breathless. He moved back, his mouth wet and he kissed down her throat, between the valley of her breasts.

“Bucky,” she gasped, feeling taut under his touch, and she began to tremble when he took a nipple in his mouth.

He sucked, rolled his tongue around, tweaking the other nipple. He watched her, rolling his tongue around. Darcy moaned, her hands in his hair, her nails biting into his scalp.

She was going to – oh, God, she was going to –

She let out a shaky breath. The only part of her body that moved was her hips as she rubbed against Bucky, and she tensed, the world disappearing as she came.

It felt so fucking _good_. It was a relief. It was her body telling her it was hers again, that she could feel these beautiful things, that that part of her life wasn’t over.

She panted, blinking her way back to Earth as Bucky moved his mouth off of her chest. She tugged him toward her and they kissed chest-to-chest, both of them moaning. Bucky grabbed her thigh and Darcy spread her legs wider, and they were pressing their hips together, rocking as Darcy’s hands were in his hair again, stroking, pulling, their mouths never quite closing as they kissed.

Bucky’s hand spasmed on Darcy’s tit and he made a sound – a sound Darcy hadn’t heard before, a choked sort of gasp, and he’d tensed, his hips jerking against hers.

He went still, and he pulled back, winced.

“Did you -?” Darcy began, and he nodded, rolling onto his back beside her, covering his face with his hands.

“Fuck, that’s so embarrasin’,” he hissed, and Darcy glanced down, seeing the wet patch on the crotch of his jeans. “Fuck.”

Darcy stared, sitting up. She shuffled down the mattress, her hands itching to touch. Bucky peaked out from behind his fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck are you apologizing for?” Darcy said. “That is so hot. That is so fucking hot.”

Bucky grimaced, going pink. “I…”

Before he could go on, Darcy’s hand went to his fly, her gaze snapping to his.

“Can I see?”

Bucky stared at her for a couple seconds but then his hands went to the button and he shifted his hips, pulling down his fly, pushing the jeans partway down, revealing his black boxer briefs.

The smell of his come hit the air and Darcy blinked, her stomach flipping. It was so intimate. Her hand went to touch his cock, pulling down the waistband. Bucky watched this all happen, his chest still heaving from before.

“You’re still hard,” she murmured, and he nodded.

He was thick, definitely bigger than what Darcy had before, and uncut. His eyes fluttered shut and he made a helpless sound when Darcy took hold of his shaft, squeezing. He’d made a pretty big mess, his come on his skin and underwear, seeping through to the denim.

“Baby,” he gasped. “Oh, fuck. I’m really – _Jesus_ – sensitive.”

He whimpered and Darcy bit her lip, thrilled by the sound. She jerked him a couple times, slow but pointed, and he gasped again.

“Fuck,” he whimpered, and Darcy smiled. They stared at one another, her hand still on him, teasing the head with her thumb. She could hear the sound of her pumping him, the messy, wet sound of his cock.

There was a knock on the door and Darcy jolted, letting him go and freezing like a statue. Bucky’s eyes were wide, but then Darcy remembered the lock.

“Bucky, band meeting in thirty minutes,” someone called.

“Alright,” Bucky said, clearing his throat.

“Can you go find Darcy and let her know?” they added.

Darcy pressed her lips together, feeling the urge to snort.

“Yeah, will do,” Bucky said, and he grabbed Darcy’s thigh with one hand, his eyes bright.

They heard the fading footsteps and Darcy sat back on her knees, rubbing her face. The little moment between them seemed cut short. Bucky sat up, pulling everything down. Darcy smirked at him and he waggled his eyebrows.

She began to giggle, watching him grab some clean clothes to slip into, fresh underwear and a pair of soft sweatpants. When he sat back down, he pulled her into another kiss, his hand on her bare breast, his other in her hair. He plied her mouth open with his tongue, swallowing her soft moan.

When they came up for air, he stroked her face, his eyes heavy-lidded.

“Wish you could have a nap?” she murmured, and he nodded. “I should probably go.”

Darcy grabbed her bra and pulled it back on. She didn’t want to leave, but she needed to check on Xander. She needed to still live outside of this nice little bubble they created.

“You’re so beautiful,” Bucky whispered, as she tried combing her hair with her fingers, her shirt back on.

She smiled at him, taking his hand in hers and squeezing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A band meeting means people will be honest with Carol for once! And maybe Phil will finally contact Darcy! I'm a mess over this story! Thank you for reading and being my enablers. 
> 
> P.S. I will continue to use May Parker as a lawyer in my AUs because I LOVE HER and she must PROTECC her clients.
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	10. Part Ten: Act like you give a fuck about me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this was going to be a much larger chapter but I chose to cut it shorter. Expect a lot of angst.

**Part Ten: Act like you give a fuck about me**

_You don't hear a voice like that and then simply move on. You hold onto it and you treasure it. The first time I saw Darcy Lewis sing, she had a four octave vocal range and she was thirteen years-old. That's insanity. _\- Hubble Corporation's Gary Grant, Rolling Stone, September 2009

-

_I know you saw me when I was hiding, I see you, too. I'm sorry._ \- "**Carol Danvers Addresses St. Louis Crowd" **YouTube video, 2009

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Carol sat on a stool dragged in from the kitchen.

On one side of her stood Brent, handing her a green drink in a plastic cup with a stainless steel straw, the label reading _Celery juice, complete_. Carol had the dark smudges of her eye makeup being wiped away from Ruby her makeup girl, with Erica trying to fix her hair behind her. With all this happening to Carol, Darcy had the distinct image of a woman on her throne, and Darcy was her subject.

Darcy managed to slip out to check on Xander, seeing him fast asleep, before washing her hands properly so she didn’t smell of Bucky’s musk anymore. She brushed her hair and looked at herself in the mirror, assessing.

She looked pink in the face, but she was prone to that. She thought of what she could have looked like when she rutted against Bucky’s thigh mindlessly. When she returned to the house, Bucky was standing with his arms crossed, talking to Carol as she was attended to.

“I still need to speak to my mom,” Darcy said, and Carol sipped her juice, nodding. “I saw May Parker this morning, so hopefully I’ll be able to fix everything as fast as possible –”

Carol cut in. “That would be great, because I’m going to start jonesing you for something concrete. I’ve been practicing non-stop. I got some tracks laid down yesterday while you were out. We need to practice choreography, get a set list up. I want to dedicate this afternoon to some solid, like, really solid song writing.”

Darcy felt her stomach drop and her eyes widened. “Carol.”

“It doesn’t have to be something we feature, but if we co-wrote something to promote a comeback, we’d keep the momentum up. Also, my trainer’s coming later.”

Darcy glanced at Bucky, who was rubbing the back of his neck, shrugging.

“I can babysit,” he said, and Darcy nodded.

“Thank you.”

“Bring Xander,” Carol added, and Darcy made a face. “It’d be good for him to see his mom writing. I mean, he’s going to be the most creative little guy.”

Darcy was reminded of Denise then. She first sang when she was three, and instead of treating it like some party trick, her mom grabbed hold of it to shape it into something new, something that no longer felt carefree to Darcy.

She couldn’t actually remember singing for pleasure. The bar gigs didn’t count, because she had stage fright. Singing the other day for Carol and Bucky was catharsis. The guerrilla music video was also pure performance, and she’d practiced that for hours. It was all work.

“I don’t want him being a musical kid just because I was,” Darcy murmured.

Ruby was patting Carol’s cheek with a makeup sponge, but it didn’t deter her from speaking.

“Not even a little? What if he’s like you?”

Darcy shrugged, wishing they’d drop it. If he turned around one day and told her he wanted to sing or learn guitar, she would indulge him. But she wasn’t about to push him, even out of curiosity. For the most part, he was a quiet kid.

“I don’t feel like that stuff’s as important right now,” Darcy admitted.

Carol frowned. “Okay.”

Darcy knew she said the wrong thing, especially with all the creative types hanging around. The shirtless kid from before walked through the living room and Darcy stared after him. She felt Carol’s eyes on her.

“What is it?”

“What happened with Julie?” Darcy asked, deflecting.

Ruby moved onto doing her eye makeup, taking out the mascara from her bag. Carol glanced at the ceiling, shrugging.

“I told her I was busy today and she was disappointed.”

Brent made a tutting sound and left the room, Carol glancing at his retreating back.

“What? What did I do?”

Darcy didn’t want to become the stick in the mud like she always was, but she didn’t appreciate how Julie left her feeling earlier. Brent came back a few seconds later, a tiny yellow bottle in one hand and a phone in the other, holding them both up for Carol.

“She’s been tweeting about you,” he said, and he motioned Carol to drink the little bottle.

“What the hell is that?” Darcy muttered to Bucky.

“Wellness shot. I think it’s got turmeric or somethin’ in it,” he replied.

Erica made a scoffing sound, lowering her hairbrush. She and Brent made similar faces of disgust, Ruby shaking her head. Carol’s face had turned to stone.

“What’s she saying?” Darcy asked.

Without warning, Carol tossed the phone and Darcy caught it, holding it up.

** _Lame ass bitches got me under them_ **

** _Fucking dms for three hours straight_ **

** _acting like she’s fine when she was beggin me to come by for 3 hours yesterday_ **

** _how do you spell fuck boi? C-a-r-o-l D-a-n-v-e-r-s_ **

** _darcy lewis here too with her fucking kid like wow!!!!! Wow!!! Smart!!!_ **

Darcy stared, seeing people tagging Carol’s Twitter handle. She passed back her phone and Carol put it on the floor.

“I told her I didn’t want to go get breakfast,” she muttered, huffing. “That’s it.”

Darcy wondered how true that statement was about Carol begging her to come over. Darcy remembered when they toured and she’d beg her to stay up with her because she hated having to lay down and try to sleep.

Darcy met her gaze and Carol’s face changed.

“I didn’t tell her anything about you,” she said.

Darcy felt her face flush. “I didn’t think you would.”

Carol wasn’t one to blab even when she was loaded. She was looking at Darcy now like she was scared of what might happen.

“I should call my mom,” Darcy added, taking a deep breath. “Y’know, in case Julia’s going to some news outlet for an interview.”

“You don’t think they’d use that shit in court?” Carol said, her eyes widening.

Darcy rose her hands, feeling her heartbeat quicken.

“I don’t know, Carol. I really don’t know. I know it doesn’t help that this place is like fucking _Animal House_,” she snapped. She glanced at Brent and the others around Carol. “Excuse me.”

She walked off, taking out her phone as she stalked through to the yard. She heard footsteps behind her, and she closed her eyes, sighing. She turned, Bucky standing there with his eyebrows knitted together.

“You want me to stay with you?” he asked.

Darcy looked down at her phone, considering it. She glanced back at Bucky, and he didn’t seem at a loss. He waited patiently, and Darcy couldn’t quite take it. She didn’t know what she’d done, to have this guy be like this with her. She disappeared into the background more often than not. She chose to hide away. She didn’t have friends. She didn’t put herself out there. He made her feel absolutely seen, and it terrified her.

She looked away, unlocking her phone to go through her contacts.

“You’re doin’ a better job than I think you know,” he said, and Darcy’s eyes snapped to his as she put the phone to her ear.

She wouldn’t let him have that one.

“All my stuff’s in bags in Carol’s pool house, my life is a wreck,” she muttered, a wry smile forming on her lips.

Bucky pressed his lips together, looking at the ground. He left her by the time Denise picked up.

“Hi. I –”

“I’ve been speaking with Phil,” Denise interrupted. She didn’t say hello. Darcy could hear she was somewhere quiet, perhaps her living room.

The thought of those two talking made Darcy uneasy, and she knew that meant something.

“I saw a lawyer today,” Darcy replied, trying to keep her tone even. She saw Bucky in the corner of her eye and watched him sit down on one of the deck chairs, take out a cigarette and light it.

“Oh, Darcy, you didn’t,” Denise said, sighing.

Bucky blew out smoke, watching her, frowning. Darcy swallowed.

“Phil will be hearing from her soon. She said she’d try a soft negotiation –”

“You’re making it so complicated, when all you need is to talk to him. You need to get him to listen to you. You’re not good at dealing with your issues. You make everyone else pick up after you.”

Darcy knew ‘everyone else’ was her mother. And it wasn’t even true, at least not for a very long time. Since being married to Phil, Darcy had rarely turned to her mother for help. Having Phil there had been like a barrier to her control tactics.

“Mom, I’m not going to go back there, I told you.”

“So you’d rather avoid it by staying with Carol and her circus friends?”

Darcy waited a beat before answering. “I wasn’t going to ask you if I could stay with you.”

“I wasn’t offering!” Denise retorted. “And I thought maybe this was your bizarre way of asking, making this drama for me to swoop in and rescue you from.”

“Phil has been very upset. Meredith –”

Meredith was Darcy’s mother-in-law. Darcy felt her stomach churn at the thought of that woman weighing in on the situation. She’d always made Darcy’s stomach clench. The day she met Phil’s parents, Darcy couldn’t keep still because she was trembling so much. How she ever managed to play a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden the month before, she’d never know.

“- she thinks you need to see a counsellor before you consider making these stupid decisions.”

“I’m seeing a therapist already,” Darcy snapped. “I’m not even calling you about Phil. Carol’s… friend said some things on Twitter.”

She head Denise fill her kettle and put it on the stove. Darcy watched Bucky smoke in silence, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and rubbing his head with his spare hand. Darcy longed to go back to half an hour ago, when it was just the two of them in that tiny room.

“I’m worried it would influence a judge if I’m going to have a custody dispute,” Darcy added. “So I need – I need you to do something. Damage control.”

There was a silence.

“Mom?”

“I spoke to Phil. He is understanding of your needs. Can’t you see it’s not worth making this much fuss over? You haven’t had time to think about this. If it looks bad for you, you have to consider that it’s not about you for once – you need to think of Alexander, _my grandson_, being taken away from you.”

“Why would you say that?” Darcy snapped, and Bucky flicked his cigarette aside, exhaling roughly to the side. “Why would you threaten that? He’s everything to me. I’d… I’d do _anything_ for him, how could you take Phil’s side?”

Darcy could feel her throat was closing up and she began to shake.

“Darcy, I cannot speak to you if you become emotional. You are being childish. You made your bed and you sleep in it –”

There was a tug and Bucky grabbed the phone from Darcy’s ear, putting it to his. Darcy’s eyes bulged and she froze in place, watching him.

“Who I am I speakin’ to?” he said. “Denise? Hi. You’re Darce’s mom, right? And her manager?”

His gaze swung to Darcy’s, his face changing at whatever Denise was saying back to him.

“My name is James Barnes, I work with Carol.”

He licked his lips, his spare hand coming up to touch Darcy’s shoulder.

“Nah, I think Darcy’s had enough for today. Yeah, she – oh, I _bet_.”

He gave a wolfish grin and Darcy tried to hear Denise on the other end. Bucky laughed.

“I like the view from up here.”

He pulled the phone away from his ear, eyebrows hiking.

“She hung up?” Darcy asked. “What… what did she say?”

“Somethin’ about me and my high horse,” Bucky replied.

Darcy began to laugh, and covered her mouth. “I shouldn’t be laughing, she basically threatened Xander would be taken from me.”

Darcy’s laugh faded and she let out huff, thinking of Meredith and Phil.

“Hey – baby,” Bucky said, and he moved closer, his hand going to her waist. “You wouldn’t let that happen.”

Darcy got the feeling that when he said ‘you’ he meant ‘I’. She felt tears spring in her eyes. She was pushing him into this dilemma. He would inevitably push back, regretting how deep he was into it.

“Why’d you do talk to her?” Darcy whispered. “Why would you _do _that?”

Why was he making it so easy to like him?

“I hate seein’ you cry,” he murmured. He kissed her forehead.

“I shouldn’t cry so much. I’m too delicate,” she mumbled.

Bucky pulled back, shaking his head. “That’s not what I mean. Okay?”

Darcy frowned, shaking her head.

“I feel…” Bucky said, and he took a deep breath. “I’m – protective?”

Darcy blinked. “Oh.”

It made sense, but having it said out loud wasn’t what she expected. Bucky made a face.

“I could be smoother,” he muttered to himself. He cleared his throat, speaking slower. “I didn’t like that she was upsettin’ you. I guess I should mind my own business, but…”

“You’re not the type to be quiet for politeness’ sake,” Darcy finished, and Bucky nodded, seeming to loosen up.

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Darcy stood up on tiptoe to kiss him, his hand clutching her waist a little harder in retaliation. Darcy pushed her tongue between his lips and made it known – she wanted him. She wanted him so much that she felt like she was humming with it to the bone. Bucky moaned, the sound enough to spur Darcy on, her hands in his hair, pulling him flush against her –

“Whoa, hey,” came a voice, and Darcy broke the kiss, seeing Carol standing several feet away.

She looked shocked, only for it to melt away a second later. She looked smug, smiling at them for catching them red-handed. Bucky didn’t let her go. His lips brushed Darcy’s forehead and Carol crossed her arms. Darcy was glad that even though she might die from embarrassment, Carol didn’t seem mad at her.

Darcy felt her cheeks flush and Carol only stared back at her, both of them not making a move. Bucky kissed Darcy’s hair, moving back from her. She missed him instantly – it was an ache she couldn’t ignore, and she suspected it showed on her face, that neediness, when Bucky motioned toward the pool house.

“I’m gonna check on Xander.”

Darcy nodded, biting her lip.

He left them to it, and Darcy glanced at the ground.

“How long has -?”

Darcy cut in. “I’m sorry for before. I know I shouldn’t yell and run away from you.”

“Are you kidding?” Carol said, coming closer. “It’s just like old times.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. Arguments on tour went the same way every time. Carol would do or say something that Darcy didn’t like, but instead of confronting the issue Darcy would run away with her guitar and stick her head in the sand until she stopped feeling like it was the end of their friendship. She knew it wasn’t healthy, but she was a child then.

“The amount of times I had to come get you and tug you back to the bus…”

Darcy crossed her arms. “Yeah, well… I don’t know what to say this time. I mean, does it ever calm down around here?”

Carol shrugged. “Summer’s always crazy.”

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question,” Darcy retorted. “I came here because I felt like there was nowhere else to go.”

“So go,” Carol said. Her face changed to something harder. “Don’t get sick over that for my sake.”

“You are _unbelievable_,” Darcy said, a real bite to her voice. “You told me to stay. You asked me to come with you when you found me in the parking lot.”

“You needed me! And I need _you_, okay?” Carol yelled. “Why is that so hard for you to admit, that you need help? Why can’t you accept it?”

Darcy glanced at the pool house, shrugging her shoulders. She was hunching herself over like a brooding teenager.

“You know why,” Darcy muttered. “You’re probably the only person who understands.”

There was a beat, and Darcy felt her eyes sting. She thought of Denise and shook her head.

“I should leave. I don’t want to impose –”

“You’re family, Dee,” Carol said. It was the old nickname. “Please don’t go. I promise I’ll try harder to keep this place under control.”

Darcy nodded, tears beginning to fall. She wiped them away with her hand.

“Mom said being here might mean losing custody.”

Carol’s eyes flashed. “That fucking bitch! What the fuck is her problem?”

Darcy could remember the first day Carol told her she disliked Denise. It felt like a forbidden thing a child should never think about their own kin – that they were mean – but Carol said it easily, like it was obvious. It was so eye-opening that Darcy began to question her perceptions of her entire upbringing.

“It’s her grandson, too,” Darcy murmured.

“So what?” Carol snapped. “She’s taking Phil’s side? After everything you’ve been through?”

Darcy shook her head. “I know where’s she’s coming from. Divorces can be messy –”

“Do not try to explain her motivations to me, Dee,” Carol interrupted. “That woman was the one who ratted me out about Maria way back.”

Darcy’s eyes widened. Carol was referring to the time she was caught with a backup dancer on tour, kick-starting the inevitable breakup of the group.

“I thought it was Aaron, the tour manager –”

“He told me Denise told him,” Carol said. “I never told you because – well, because you were so loyal to her. I didn’t want you to have another reason. I knew you were _going through it_.”

Darcy nodded, but her mind was reeling. Her own mother throwing Carol under the bus, when GRLPWR was her meal ticket for so long.

“Maybe she wanted you to move on to a solo gig sooner,” Carol added. “But that was a long time ago.”

“It’s still fucked up,” Darcy mumbled. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that she outed you like that.”

Carol nodded, shrugging. Darcy watched her mull it over and push it away. She shrugged some more, like she was assuring herself.

“We could do it together,” Darcy said, and Carol’s eyes snapped to hers. “The whole… walking off and playing guitar thing. Until we feel better.”

Carol smiled, an infectious one that had Darcy feeling instantly better even before her tears had dried.

She moved toward Darcy and hugged her, and Darcy’s arms stayed limp for a couple seconds before she leaned into it, clutching Carol’s shoulders.

“So, how long have you and Bucky been tongue-wrestling?”

Darcy snorted, thankful Carol hadn’t been crasser.

-

Darcy had her guitar on one knee while Carol held her purple ukulele. Darcy had several note books strewn on the floor, ones that she’d taken from her apartment. She wasn’t finding any gems, but Carol kept leafing through them, making pleased sounds every so often.

“They’re terrible. It’s like, emo poetry,” Darcy said, fiddling with her capo. “Should’ve burned some of those. Or shredded them.”

“What?” Carol said. She pointed to a page she was skimming over. “_Act like you give a fuck about me_? Like, it’s to the point. I love that.”

They were sitting in the studio, Darcy’s half-eaten sandwich on a plate between them. Carol was almost done with her green drink.

“What is that shit?” she muttered, pointing.

“Celery juice,” Carol said.

Darcy shook her head. She played a dull note, sighing. Carol copied her, levelling her gaze.

“This is awful,” Darcy muttered, shaking her head some more. “I can’t think of anything.”

“Really?” Carol said. She plucked a few notes, closing her eyes.

_Act like you give a fuck about me…_

Carol cleared her throat. “Not all of us have your range.”

It was decent. Darcy never understood why they compared her voice to Carol’s so much. Sure, Darcy had a range greater than Carol’s, but Carol could evoke a more positive, happy tone without needing to manipulate herself so much. Her voice was ideal for dance tracks. Darcy belonged in those dusty bars with sad high-functioning alcoholics. Not everyone needed to hear the sad girl sing.

Darcy joined in with her as they sung the line again, the notes like an upward swing. Darcy made another face. Carol smirked, going on.

_Fuck you-ou-ou, fuck you-ou-ou…_

Darcy snorted. “Okay. I like the way you waver, like –”

They did several ou-ou-ou’s together, harmonizing. Carol plucked a couple more notes, picking up a pen to jot them down.

“Wait, how about –” Darcy strummed a bit.

_Act like you can’t live without me-ee-ee…_

Carol lit up. “Yes! I like the…”

They began playing together, stopping and starting. They didn’t get much further with the lyrics, but eventually Carol managed to squeeze the entire composition out of Darcy. By the time that they’d recorded some drafts, Brent and Bucky came looking for them, Xander on Bucky’s shoulders.

Brent motioned wrapping it up. “Your Highness, you’re required in the gym in twenty minutes, and you’re not taking the uke with you. Up. Let’s go.”

Carol began to laugh and put it down. She glanced up at Xander and squeezed one of his legs, smiling. She left, while Bucky handed Xander to Darcy while Brent put his hands on his hips.

“Miss Thing, you’re having the night off,” he announced, and Darcy glanced up at him. “I’ve been told you’re going to have dinner with Buckster.”

Brent rose one eyebrow for effect and Darcy nodded solemnly, making Bucky chuckle. Brent turned and left them.

“I assumed Xander would come with us,” Darcy said. She stroked her son’s hair while he touched her guitar strings.

“Brent offered to babysit. I told him we’d be gone a couple hours, tops. But we can take Xander if it makes it easier,” Bucky said. “Unless dinner’s too much –”

Darcy touched his arm and he stopped talking.

“I really want to have dinner with you,” she said. “I’ll be a bit nervous, probably checking my phone too much, but… I want time alone with you.”

Were they a couple? Darcy felt like it seemed that way. He smiled, nodding.

“What did you guys write?” he asked, and Darcy sighed.

“Three sentences,” she said, pointing to the notebook Carol left on her chair.

Bucky moved to pick it up, reading it. Darcy could see he was reading the chords, probably getting the tune in his head.

“It’s…”

“It sucks.”

“It’s a start,” he corrected. “Give it time.”

-

A date. A real date. Not something she’d only imagined. Darcy dressed in a loose-fitting shirt with leggings, staring at herself in the bathroom mirror as she contemplated just how badly this could all go.

She kept fiddling with her hair, peering at herself. She never remembered not being like this. It had something to do with the pageants when she was little, the Hubble execs when she was a teenager. As an adult, her self image had always been skewed.

Bucky came in, glancing at her in the mirror. Seeing him beside her in the glass felt wrong, like it wasn’t supposed to happen. Someone so handsome right next to her.

“You okay? We can stay,” he said.

Darcy shook her head, ducking her gaze to the sink.

“No, I want to.”

She exited while Bucky used the bathroom, scooping Xander up along the way. She walked out with her bag, finding Brent in the kitchen, making Xander his dinner of a cheesy omelette with green beans on the side.

“Good luck getting him to eat that green stuff,” Darcy said. “Thank you for doing this.”

“Oh, Miss Thing,” Brent retorted, pointing his spatula at her. “This ain’t for free. Expect an invoice taped to that pool house door by morning.”

Brent put the omelette on a plate and took Xander in his other arm. Darcy waved to them as Brent began to walk out, calling behind him:

“I’m barricading myself in there and we’re watching _Spongebob_.”

Darcy rested her elbows against the kitchen bench, listening to the rest of the house, the people chatting, listening to music and laughing. Something smelt vaguely of seltzer and some kind of liqueur and she pushed away the anxiety. Brent seemed to have his head screwed on.

Bucky walked in, eyes bright. Darcy smiled up at him as he took her hand.

“Ready?”

“Yeah,” Darcy breathed.

Bucky drove, both of them quiet. The music playing on the radio was mostly ignored. Darcy could feel the butterflies in her stomach.

“Where are we going?” she asked eventually, and Bucky’s lips quirked.

“Somewhere exclusive.”

“Really?” Darcy said, drawing out the word.

“Yeah. Fancy as fuck, long-ass waiting list for a reservation…”

He turned on the clicker at an intersection and Darcy glanced around, seeing no buildings that could double as a restaurant or bar. It was mostly suburbia.

Bucky parked the car, pointing to something in the distance.

“Over there.”

“Oh?” Darcy said. “Are we hunting or something?”

They smiled at one another. Darcy stepped out of the car and Bucky took her hand, pulling her along.

The closer they got, Darcy could see it was a food truck surrounded by picnic tables. She laughed, and Bucky leaned closer to her, speaking in a hushed whisper.

“The best fuckin’ burgers in the state. I don’t bring people here willy-nilly.”

Darcy giggled at how serious he sounded. “Willy-nilly?”

“Yeah,” he said, and he pulled her toward the truck, stopping when they were beside the menu on the chalkboard. “So what’s your poison?”

“Something deep-fried and dripping with hot sauce,” Darcy replied, scanning the list.

Bucky put a hand to his heart. “Oof. Just my kind of gal.”

He gestured to one of the guys in the truck before holding up two fingers.

“Reggie! Two Colossals. Like, double the heat, man.”

“Bucky, that you?” one of them called back, a guy with thick forearms covered in tattoos. “Where you been, buddy?”

“Busy,” he called. “I got a new customer. Darcy.”

Reggie smiled, glancing down at Darcy. He saluted her.

“I like this one.”

Darcy smiled, feeling her cheeks blush. “Hi.”

“Two minutes, okay?” Reggie said, and Bucky nodded.

Darcy read the descriptions on the menu, seeing no Colossal burger. She looked back at Bucky.

“Is it a secret menu item?”

He tapped his nose, nodding.

They were handed two little red baskets with burgers and fries on them. Darcy could smell bacon, relish and fried chicken. The fries were crinkle-cut and crispy, doused in a bright orange sauce.

Bucky handed Reggie some cash and they walked off to sit at one of the picnic tables. There wasn’t much of a crowd, just one young couple with matching linen shirts and sandals, eating happily in silence.

“What’s in this?” Darcy said, picking up the burger and turning it to inspect it.

Bucky grinned, picking up his own in one hand, using his other to point to each layer.

“Tomato, lettuce, relish. Bacon, queso, fried chicken with jalapenos. More queso, fried egg.”

Darcy blinked.

“Sounds wrong, so fuckin’ right,” Bucky said. “You ready?”

Darcy laughed. “Okay.”

“Lift off,” Bucky said, and he took a bite, Darcy copying him. There was a burst of several flavors on her tongue, different textures intermingling. She chewed, her eyes widening.

“Oh, my God,” she murmured. “Oh, my _God_…”

Bucky chewed, looking pleased. He put his burger down as Darcy nursed hers in contented silence. He picked up a fry.

“Crinkle-cut kinda went outta fashion, they’re more 70s but they still fuckin’ rock.”

Darcy watched him devour his food. She didn’t say much else while she ate, sighing every so often. Her burger was gone quicker than she liked, but she knew she usually would have wolfed that down in a couple minutes. She sat back, wiping her mouth with a paper napkin and picked up a fry.

“I don’t even know what to say, except that that is the best burger I’ve had. Probably ever,” she murmured, and she looked up at Bucky, seeing him smile.

“I told you.”

She smiled, popping the fry in her mouth. “How’d you find this place, anyway?”

“Honest to God accident,” Bucky replied. He swallowed. “About a year ago, I went for a walk, tried to get outta that house for a couple hours. It was just after we’d come back from tour. I was sweatin' vodka, like the worst and I mean _the worst_ hangover you could possibly have. I’d puked my guts up, I was shakin', everythin' just ached.”

Darcy smirked. “Like people couldn’t even _say _'Parmesan' to you without you gagging?”

Bucky burst out laughing. “Yeah. Exactly. So I managed to roll outta there and stumbled down here, craving something salty. I hadn’t eaten all day. I ate three burgers and fries.”

Bucky wiped his mouth with his hand, a boyish gesture.

“What about you, what’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had?”

Darcy tilted her head, thinking. “I… it was on tour, when we were in Arkansas or something like that. The A/C broke down on the bus and I was being rocked back and forth, my head in a plastic bag Carol threw at me. I don’t know how I got out of that.”

“Did your mom find out?” Bucky asked.

“I think she knew but she wasn’t going to mention it, like the punishment of the hangover was enough.”

“Wait, did you perform that day, too?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, and Bucky looked surprised. “I never missed a show. I never missed a single show, never backed out of a pageant. I’d be dripping with sweat and shaking so bad that I couldn’t hold my pick properly but I never stopped.”

Bucky shook his head. “Jesus. I’m sorry, that sounds… tough. Fuckin’ awful.”

Darcy regretted the turn their conversation had taken. Mentioning her childhood tended to kill the mood when it happened. She sighed.

“It could’ve been worse. I loved working with Carol.”

“I feel like that was you makin’ the most of a bad situation,” Bucky said, and Darcy felt her face flush. “How come you did pageants?”

“You got prizes for winning,” Darcy replied. “Not that I won any. Didn’t stop my mom, though.”

There was a beat and Darcy remembered the phone call.

“Yeah, she said to me that I couldn’t waste my talent like my dad did,” she murmured. “So she pushed me all the time, to be a better performer. It’s how Hubble found me. The singing I did in the talent portion, I mean.”

Bucky glanced away, looking like he wanted to say a lot of things but he was resisting. Darcy picked up some more fries and ate them.

“Did you go to school?”

“No,” Darcy replied, her voice smaller. “Home-schooled. We were on the road too much, anyway. I’d have missed so much.”

She’d missed a lot anyway, and she supposed that was the point of what Bucky was trying to say without actually saying it - that Darcy’s childhood was so different from what was considered good or normal.

“People used to say ‘wow, you’re really smart for someone who was home-schooled’,” she muttered, hearing how bitter she was. She chuckled without mirth. “Oh, well. Poor little me.”

She rested her chin in one hand, propping up her elbow. Bucky looked back at her, leaning forward.

“People are assholes.”

“Hmm,” she replied vaguely. “I think I’m being self-absorbed, as usual. I don’t ask enough about you.”

“What do you wanna know?” Bucky asked, waggling his eyebrows.

It cut the tension a little and Darcy was grateful for it.

“I dunno. What’s the… what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?” she asked, glancing over at the other couple eating together. She thought she could hear them speaking French to one another.

Bucky blinked. “God. I don’t… date. I just…”

“Well, then, what’s this?” Darcy said, laughing a little.

“It’s not the worst date I’ve been on.”

Darcy smirked. “Good, I’m glad. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

Bucky glanced away, scanning his brain, shaking his head. “I mean, years ago, in high school. Summer, and it was before senior year. I… had a friend over. A lady friend.”

Darcy ate another fry while she waited for him to elaborate.

“We were in my room and… we were foolin’ around, and I didn’t hear my mom and Becca come home.”

“Why didn’t you hear -?”

“I was – uh, I mean, I was sort of…”

Bucky blushed and Darcy smiled at the adorableness of it. He rubbed his eye.

“I was going down on her.”

“OH,” Darcy exclaimed, and she began to laugh. “That’s…”

“I think it’s just my memory being a little off, but at the time, I swear it felt like Mom kicked the door down, she was not slow about it at all.”

Darcy began to laugh louder, covering her mouth.

“It’s not that funny. You know my family’s Catholic.”

Darcy laughed so much she felt tears in the corners of her eyes and she had to look away from him, covering her face with both hands. She couldn’t stop picturing Bucky like a deer in headlights, coming up for air.

When Darcy finally stopped, she fanned her face. She cleared her throat. “Doesn’t sound like the worst date ever for that girl you were with, though, if she was making a racket…”

Bucky bit his lip, grinning. “Nah, I think she was a little embarrassed.”

Darcy leaned against the table again, dropping her voice to a whisper.

“You were going down on girls when you were seventeen?” she said, and he blinked. “Not a lot of guys are so… _eager_.”

Something passed over his face and his eyes traveled up and down her, but he said nothing. Darcy felt her stomach flip, that intense gaze working on her if the story hadn’t already.

“It’s a damn shame,” Bucky said finally, and Darcy stared back at him.

She glanced at her basket and picked up a few stray crumbs with the pad of her finger, licking the salt.

“What about you? Worst date?”

Darcy grimaced. “Hubble made me go to a Mets game with this guy whose father owned the parent company. Never met the guy before. I was told he thought I was cute. I think the team was worried about my image, like, why wasn’t I dating? Shit like that.”

Darcy shook her head. “He said nothing to me for two hours. Two whole hours we say nothing to one another, and then he tried to kiss me in a limo on the way back to the hotel I was staying at. Then people planted stories for a few months.”

She picked up more crumbs, sucked her finger.

“How’d you meet Phil?” Bucky asked.

She stared at him, wondering why he wanted to know. She felt something twist in her gut. She didn’t want his name coming out of Bucky’s mouth.

“Starbucks. He had no idea who I was. He saw me sitting there in disguise and asked for my number. He made it seem so easy.”

Darcy avoided Bucky’s gaze as she said all this.

“He proposed after I turned eighteen, and we got married that summer.”

She glanced at Bucky.

“I don’t really want to talk about him. It hurts.”

Bucky nodded. “Hurts because of what he did?”

The cheating didn’t hurt her as much as she thought it would. She shook her head.

“It says a lot about me, that I chose someone like that to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, marriage is supposed to be that. And then he treated me like shit. So like, that’s on me, I feel.”

Bucky frowned. “No. I won’t let you get away with that one.”

Darcy mimicked his expression. “You won’t _let _me?”

“You think it’s a reflection of you, Darce, but I can guarantee it’s entirely about him, and It’s his loss.”

It seemed like he’d been thinking about that for a while, the sentence at the ready, like he’d practised it.

“I’m not that stupid, I know he’s got a bruised ego,” Darcy snapped before she could stop herself.

The uncomfortable silence that settled over them immediately after made Darcy regret answering any of Bucky’s questions.

Darcy ducked her head, thinking she should go all in.

“This isn’t easy for me,” she murmured. “Not just because it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I feel like… I feel like I’m wired differently.”

Bucky didn’t say a word to that and Darcy pressed on.

“Yesterday, with Becca? I made it all about me. I cried in her kitchen, when all she’d done was make conversation. I have to psyche myself up all the time, just to get out of bed, just to get the day going.”

Her throat felt thicker and she swallowed.

“I keep thinking… If I just get old enough, or if I just do enough, it’ll stop. The fear, and the… restlessness. Except it doesn’t happen. I keep wanting to hide or run away. I’m scared _all_ the time.”

Her voice broke a little at the end and she saw Bucky’s jaw tense.

“I don’t think that it’s right.”

Bucky frowned. “What d’you mean?”

Darcy hated how her voice was wavering. “Me and you. I’m so bad at this, and you have to be on egg shells, babying me and – and it’s so embarrassing, but I’m scared of you realizing something so obvious like how I’m – fucking _frigid_…”

She felt her cheeks burn at the admission, shaking her head. She felt the familiar urge and took it in her stride. She picked up her bag and took her legs out from under the table, manoeuvring her body around so she could take off.

She began to walk, hearing Bucky right behind her, saying her name.

“Please stop,” she said, feeling worse than ever. “Please just let it go.”

“Maybe I don’t want to,” he retorted.

They got back to the car and Darcy remembered he had the keys. She turned to him, only to have him kiss her hard, and she whimpered, feeling her whole body go rigid.

He stepped back, panting.

“Listen to me,” he said, and Darcy felt her throat thicken at how earnest he was. “When Carol asked me to go see you sing, I knew I’d be in trouble. I’ve had a crush on you for thirteen years, and it hasn’t stopped. I thought maybe if I met you in person, it’d change, but I was wrong.”

He touched her face with his hand, and she sniffled.

“I was so wrong. I am crazy about you, Darcy. I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop wantin' you, I can’t stop tryin' to make you smile because you make me happy. Okay? You make me happy.”

Darcy shook her head. “It’s not fair.”

“What, Xander and everythin’ ain’t fair? I coulda walked the second you reminded me you were married. I coulda gone away while you stayed here, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave. I’m choosin’ you, okay? Darcy?”

They only stared at one another for several seconds, until Darcy pulled him into another kiss, closing her eyes, Bucky doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the Maria mention? Hmmm?
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	11. Part Eleven: Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned everyone on Tumblr already, but here it is again - there's not much plot to this part. I think you'll enjoy it, though.

**Part Eleven: Don't Think Twice, It's Alright**

**-**

_I am the things that have happened to me and the sum of everything I've ever done._ \- Macaulay Culkin

-

Bucky drove them down some streets, finding a secluded avenue. The street lights were far apart, the crickets chirping as they parked.

Darcy felt sick with nerves despite all that was said moments ago. She could feel the hammering of her heart as she moved toward Bucky to kiss him, seeing his two blue eyes become one, sharing their breath. She tingled from his fingers in her hair, his tongue slipping into her mouth. She wished they could lie in the back seat, but Xander’s chair was in the middle and taking it required tools Darcy didn’t have. Nearly lying across the hand break, twisting herself toward Bucky was worth it, with how much he was giving back to her the more she pushed him.

His hand was under her shirt, tracing the skin of her stomach with his fingertips, Darcy’s own arms coming up to hug him, to feel his broad back over his t-shirt. For a fleeting moment, it all felt new again, like she was a kid discovering another person’s body. She felt as vulnerable as a child, especially with the sounds Bucky made against her, devouring her, trying to tell her something without words. Darcy couldn’t get enough. It felt like a dream, in the sense that she’d longed for this in the recess of her mind, the desire coming to the surface now. Whenever Bucky tried to resurface, Darcy pulled him back, her tongue meeting his somewhere in between them.

For now, she could hold onto this fantasy - that he was the entire world, contained in her arms. He accepted each pass of her tongue, each grip, each breathy gasp. She felt her desire pooling inside her, curling around her. Bucky pushed her against her chair, kissing down her neck and nipping at her pulse point while Darcy’s fingers gripped the hair at the base of his skull. She sighed, her hips rolling as he planted kisses on the skin he could reach – down her neck and some of her cleavage, before returning to her mouth.

“Your skin is so fuckin’ soft,” he panted, and he moaned when Darcy tugged his hair, their teeth clacking as Darcy tried to pull him on top of her.

Her hand snaked down the side of the chair and she found the lever, and the chair jolted backward, making them both gasp and then giggle. Bucky wrapped her legs around his waist, his hips rocking to meet hers. Darcy remembered that afternoon, how he’d lost control, coming in his pants like that. She wondered what it would take to do that again. She broke off the kiss, licking her lips.

“I can’t with you,” she whispered, and Bucky chuckled, kissing her nose.

“What d’you mean?” he whispered back.

“I just can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head. “You’re so fucking cute.”

They made out some more, and Darcy could feel Bucky’s insistent hard-on through his jeans as they knocked together. She could feel his breath on her mouth when he pulled back, searching her face.

“Your eyes are black,” she whispered, her thumb rubbing his lower lip. “I can’t… I need time. I’m not ready.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “It’s okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” he said again, nodding. He smoothed some of the hair from her face. “Can I keep kissin’ you?”

She nodded, melting back into it, sighing.

-

They returned to the house an hour later, Darcy’s mouth feeling rubbed raw, her head dizzy with longing. She only wanted to touch him, but she was telling the truth before – she couldn’t go the whole way. At least not yet. Picturing it filled her with anxiety and desire, an odd mixture. They walked back to the pool house to see Brent sitting on the bed, Xander out cold beside him.

“Thank you,” Darcy whispered, and Brent rolled his eyes, smiling.

It was still kind of early. Darcy glanced at Bucky when they were alone, Brent heading back to the house.

“I’ll come hang out in a couple minutes, okay?” she whispered, and he nodded.

He looked at Xander, seeing his little chest rise and fall. Darcy loved that he valued her son so much without even trying. He was decent guy, and maybe Darcy hadn’t known many decent people for the majority of her life. She might thank Carol one day for bringing Bucky into her life.

He left and Darcy went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She prolonged the inevitable, taking deep breaths to calm herself. She slipped out of the pool house, hearing voices coming from beyond, the bass of a speaker. If she was going to tour with Carol again, she’d have to get used to the partying. People needed to let off steam. She knew every so often she did, like with the joint she shared with Bucky, the dry humping from that afternoon.

She weaved through the house, barefoot and quiet, listening to the echoes of life. She went upstairs, seeing the girl with the parrot making her way down, her brief smile enough for her to pause. These people didn’t know her, but they didn’t ask her why she was there. This house was full of lost souls.

She knocked on Bucky’s door, only the once. She heard his murmur and she opened the door, slipping inside and leaning against it, seeing him on the floor.

He’d poured two glasses of red wine, and he sat up straighter, smiling at her. There was no pretence with him, and Darcy was surprised she’d only noticed that now. No games, no winners or losers.

She pushed off the door, turning to lock it before sinking to the floor, shuffling on her knees toward Bucky. He held up her glass and she took it, sipping. He curled an arm around her middle, kissing the front of her shirt. Darcy could do this for hours. She knew that because she had already.

She put her glass on the shelf behind them and settled down with him, playing with his hair, watching his pulse jumping at his throat, his eyes big and warm as he watched her.

“What’re you thinkin’ about?” he whispered, and Darcy blinked, feeling her eyes were misting.

“I’m… I’m thinking about you,” she whispered back. She swallowed.

She leaned down to kiss him, anticipating the heat of it when he committed fully, the other wine glass put away hastily, Darcy’s face in his hands. He sucked her lips and pushed inside. They kissed like they hadn’t before – and Darcy’s mind needed to catch up with her body, to process it all, how much he was making her feel all at once. He couldn’t quite reach a limit, bruising her, pulling her under him to lie chest to chest. Darcy drew back, his mouth at her throat.

“Too hot,” she whispered. Her hands fell to his shoulders, tugging.

He pulled back to pull his shirt off, and it was like before, seeing all his skin only made Darcy feel more vulnerable, not the other way around. Their legs tangled as they rocked together, kisses missing mouths, panting filling the silence between them, along with their lips moving in increasingly clumsy ways. Darcy was back to the mindless rutting, until Bucky held onto her tighter, panting into her neck like he’d run a marathon.

“Fuck – _Darce_,” he whispered.

He laughed, sounding a little delirious. She caught him in another kiss and he moaned, his fingers digging into her hips. She pulled back, both of them panting, both of them smiling, their hips still circling. Darcy went back in, kissing his neck, nuzzling his Adam’s apple, seeing his throat bob. Bucky curled himself around her, cuddling her as Darcy smelt the sweetness of his skin around the back of his ear, her fingers tracing the ridges of his chain necklace.

“I feel like I’m gonna explode,” he whimpered, and Darcy felt a thrill run through her. This beautiful man was ready to come for her.

She moved back, meeting his gaze.

“Can we do it like before?” she murmured, and he nodded, making her chuckle at his enthusiasm.

She felt a little braver, her hands dipping from the planes of his broad back and down to the waistband of his jeans, skirting over and fitting into the back pockets.

“Take these off, too,” she whispered, her heart racing, and he swallowed again, nodding.

“Okay.”

They separated, Bucky sitting back on his knees to undo his fly and pull his jeans down, revealing the clean boxer briefs Darcy had the pleasure of seeing him put on earlier. Their eyes were glued to one another, Darcy’s shirt pulled off, her hands going to the back of her bra a second later to unclasp it. It was probably the fastest Darcy ever took off her clothes, and yet it felt too slow, her fingers clumsy, practically frantic. She lay back down, breathless, Bucky lying on top of her once again, his head dipping to kiss her neck and front, moving to mouth at her breasts as she moaned, her hands in his hair and tugging.

She couldn’t help it, she had to touch him always when his mouth was on her. He sucked a nipple between his lips, his tongue circling as Darcy gasped, her other tit under his other hand.

“You like that?” he whispered, and Darcy glanced down at him, licking her lips. It was a real question, not him giving himself a commentary to stroke his ego, to get himself off.

She nodded. “Yeah, I – I like it,” she whispered.

He moved his mouth to her other nipple, and Darcy could feel them hardening, could feel herself getting more desperate. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed, knowing she was wetter the longer he laved her with his tongue and kissed her all over.

“Can I…” Darcy whimpered. “Can I touch… you?”

Bucky let go of her nipple, his tongue still licking her in almost a lazy way, but Darcy whined, her hands scrambling, dipping down his chest. The muscles of his hard stomach jumped as she skirted down further, holding her breath. She reached his underwear and Bucky watched her face, didn’t move at all as she went past the waistband and slid one hand to stroke his shaft.

The angle was awkward but she took hold of him, Bucky’s breath hitching as Darcy moved her hand up and down, gripping him a little tighter. He felt hot and hard, and she was certain the tip of him was sticky. She pushed down his underwear to see him better, his pink cock in her hand, and she could smell his musk like before.

Their noses brushed and Darcy kissed him, twisting her hand on the downstroke, Bucky’s tongue pushing into her mouth. He kept making sounds against her lips, his hips beginning to grind again. Darcy was still dictating it for the most part, opening her eyes every so often to look down, to have the moment sink in.

She hadn’t given a handjob in years, and it was never like this before. Bucky all flushed and slack jawed, Darcy wished the other times this had happened she’d been this enraptured, but then maybe this moment wouldn’t be as precious.

She thought of pulling him into her by the hand, but it still felt too soon. She didn’t want to give herself the chance to be too afraid. She wanted the first time he was inside her to be enjoyed, not endured.

He kept huffing, his whole body beginning to tremble and Darcy could hear he was close. She broke their kiss and he looked her in the eye, moaned.

“You’re gonna make me – _come_,” he gasped, and Darcy felt it, his cock get thicker, though she was almost sure he couldn’t get harder. He pressed his forehead to hers and he squeezed his eyes shut.

Darcy worked him over, watched him dissolve, felt his load hit her stomach, flashing warmth across her. She jerked him until his hand came to cover hers, his shaky laugh the only sound.

He looked down and Darcy did the same, her eyes widening a fraction.

“Damn, I made a lotta mess,” he whispered. “Sorry –”

Darcy shook her head. “I wanted it. I loved it.”

She meant it and Bucky stared for several seconds, until he seemed to come back, picking up his discarded shirt.

“I don’t have any Kleenex,” he murmured, and he wiped her stomach, tossing his shirt aside. He brought her into another kiss, gentler than before.

Darcy sighed, closing her eyes until he broke it off, kissing her nose.

“What can I do?” he whispered. “Can I – what do you want? My – my thigh? My hands?”

He looked so cute, so earnest, like he was bargaining with her, eager to please. Please, could he make her feel just as good?

“My mouth?” he said.

Darcy bit her lip, shaking her head. “Jesus, you’re too much.”

With all those options laid out, Darcy still felt like she couldn’t make a choice, so she stayed still for several seconds, thinking.

Bucky kissed her lips, slow and lingering.

“Wanna make you come,” he whispered, and Darcy sucked in a breath. Darcy hesitated so he pulled back a little. “Or I can stop –”

“No, don’t,” Darcy babbled, and she scanned his face, trying to think of what to say. “I… I don’t know what I like. I don’t usually get myself off. I… I don’t get to, usually.”

“Okay,” Bucky whispered. “I’ll go slow. But we can stop.”

Darcy shook her head vehemently and Bucky chuckled, the creases showing beside his eyes. Those baby blues were full of contradictions, being simultaneously puppy dog-like and smouldering, making Darcy’s stomach flip, the arousal pooling more than ever between her legs.

His thumb went to her mouth, rubbing her lower lip, moving down to cup her jaw and Darcy couldn’t take her eyes off of him. She waited for something to spring up in her so she’d want to run away, but it didn’t, she could only look back at him and feel him touch her.

“Your hand,” she murmured, and he nodded, pulling her into another slow kiss.

He let go of her to pull his underwear back on, then crawled back up next to her, turning onto his side. Darcy did the same, her back to him, feeling his hips press into her ass.

He kissed the side of her face, shifting her body against his, one arm under her, his fingers splayed out just under her left breast, his other hand dipping down to reach the waistband of her leggings.

“This okay?” he murmured, adjusting his hand to cup her breast, the hard berry tip of her nipple between his fingers. She nodded, staring down at his fingers dipping into her leggings.

“Not in my – my undies,” Darcy whispered and he kissed her neck, his fingers staying over the cotton of Darcy’s underwear, her breath hitching when he brushed the folds of her.

His hand moved very slowly, gradually rubbing her in small circles, until his middle finger pressed down between the lips at the top, finding the button of flesh that made Darcy whimper.

He kissed her neck, her shoulder, watching his hand along with Darcy as it moved around, Darcy’s hips beginning to grind.

Darcy knew he’d be able to feel how wet she was through the fabric, and she thought about real skin on skin contact but it still seemed daunting, despite how good Bucky was already making her feel.

She closed her eyes, giving in to her urges and began to rock against his hand a little rougher, using his body like she did that afternoon. She thought about the faces she was making and tried to forget, tried to only think about the sweet release she edged towards.

She was panting, Bucky sucking at her neck as she thrusted her hips, her arm coming up to touch the back of his head. He moved up, catching her in a clumsy kiss. The angle wasn’t ideal but it didn’t deter him. The rough kiss she earned made her whimper, tensing as she let go –

She huffed, clenching and lifting her hips to meet his hand and she came, her vision turning white as she rode it out. Her whole body trembled and she took a gulp of air, moaning weakly, the vague sense that Bucky was murmuring something to her while she broke apart.

“What?” she gasped, and he chuckled.

“So beautiful when you come,” he whispered.

Darcy managed to turn in his arms, his hand withdrawing from her leggings, and she looked up at him, her chest still heaving from before.

“More?”

She began to giggle. “No, I’m okay.”

“_Only_ okay?” he said, smiling down at her. “I could make it better.”

“I’m really good,” Darcy amended, her voice hushed.

“Me, too,” he murmured, and he moved back.

Darcy watched him suck his fingers as he turned toward the book shelf, reaching up to grab her glass of wine. The simple gesture of not wiping his hands somewhere else felt so intimate to Darcy that she was too distracted to take her wine glass from him when he held it up for her.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want this still?” he said.

“Oh. Yeah,” Darcy said, taking it and sitting up, sipping it.

He watched her for a couple minutes, and he looked like he was itching to touch her again, his hands fidgeting. Darcy handed the glass back to him and lay down, Bucky joining her a minute later. He curled an arm around her shoulder so she lay her face in the crook of his neck, her fingers gliding through the little patch of hair on his chest.

He shifted, moved his head to see something.

“What is it?” Darcy murmured. She felt all dreamy and warm, the sweat on her brow drying down, the taste of salt on her upper lip.

“You and Carol got matching tattoos?” he asked.

Darcy glanced at her ankle, the little black mark peeking out from under the spandex material of her leggings. She made an affirming sound, sitting up to draw her leg in, flashing the little treble clef on her left ankle.

“When’d you get that?” he murmured.

“2007,” Darcy replied. “We broke out one afternoon we had free. I think we were in Miami. Carol and I said we’d keep them secret, because we knew Hubble would shit a brick if they found out –”

“Did they?”

“It took my mom two whole days to find out. I don’t know how, but maybe she was even more conscious of my body than I was, but she accused me, made me show her. I never told on Carol, though, she told Hubble herself.”

Darcy touched the tattoo with her finger.

“I remember my mom saying I’d ruined the Fall collection for the Target clothing line GRLPWR had, and I was so pissed off. There was no time ever that I showed my ankles, let alone in a photo shoot. I wore this fugly little suede booties, feeling like my mom was only looking at my left ankle that entire week. I don’t think she ever forgave me.”

“You were kids,” Bucky said, sounding a little defensive.

“I know. It’s just my mom. She’s always been that way,” Darcy said. “I know it’s… controlling. I’ve got better at dealing with it.”

There was a brief silence and Darcy felt her stomach twist with anxiety.

“Where’d you go?” Bucky murmured, and Darcy glanced down at him, shaking her head.

“Nowhere.”

She lay back down, their arms around one another.

“What about your dad?” Bucky said, and Darcy blinked, shrugging.

“Dead. Died when I was really little. I don’t remember him. I have his photograph in a box somewhere in the pool house. He looks like me. Or, I look like him.”

Darcy swallowed.

“Fuck, Xander will look like him when he’s all grown up. That’ll be weird.”

“At dinner before you said he wasted his talent,” Bucky said, and Darcy’s eyebrows hiked. “I mean, you said your mom thought that.”

Denise was a piece of work. She appreciated that Bucky remembered that little detail, instead of Darcy needing to explain her phrasing.

“He played at parties and stuff like that. If a bar had a piano, he’d play it sometimes, but only when the place was quiet. He was shy.”

“Like you,” Bucky said. He didn’t say it to be mean.

“Yeah,” Darcy breathed. “And he had a nice voice, too. He and my mom went to the same high school. She wanted him to use his skills properly. He didn’t want to make a career out of something that he liked doing for fun. My mom’s… materialistic.”

Darcy licked her lips.

“I guess my mom made sure I used my talents when she noticed them.”

Bucky began to stroke her hair and Darcy felt herself try and push back what she was feeling – because he was looking at her so intently her eyes were misting.

“You don’t have to explain anythin’ to me,” he whispered. “I want you to know that.”

Darcy nodded, her throat feeling tight. She looked from one baby blue to the other, her voice dropping to barely a whisper.

“I keep waiting for you to get sick of me.”

He shook his head, slow and adamant. She watched his throat bob as he swallowed, something clearly on his mind. He tilted his head to kiss her, a slow press to her lips and nothing more, but he poured so much into it that Darcy sighed, her eyes fluttering shut.

Darcy didn’t remember falling asleep but she startled herself awake, Bucky’s hand resting on her hip, his eyes shut. She could hear his soft snores, his tongue clicking every so often.

She didn’t want to wake him but she didn’t want to slip out without acknowledging him so she lifted a hand to touch his face, and he stirred, turning his head to press it into the mattress. He sighed, blinking at her.

“We fall asleep?” he slurred, and Darcy nodded, smiling. “You better… go.”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “But I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want you to, either,” he whispered. “But if you stay, I won’t ever let you go.”

Darcy closed the gap, kissing him, pulling back faster than she really wanted to. She grabbed her bra and shirt and put them back on, Bucky watching her.

“’Night,” she whispered, ducking down to kiss him, his hands coming up to cradle her face.

She felt so wanted. It was still a little bizarre to her, but she wasn’t going to argue with him about it. She was insecure but she wasn’t stupid.

“Good night,” he murmured, kissing her again and again.

They began to giggle together, neither of them stopping their touching despite the plan to separate.

“Okay, I gotta go,” she said, but she was still bumping her lips to his skin, her hand in his hair.

He pulled her on top of him at the last second, rolling them so she was under him once more, gathering her in his arms. They stayed that way for a minute or so, foreheads pressed together.

“Okay. Bye,” he whispered.

“Bye,” she echoed, and she wriggled out from under him, watched him turn his face into the mattress with a soft groan as she stood up and went to the door.

She gave him one last glance, pressing her lips together. He wasn’t joking before when he said he didn’t want her to leave. Darcy slipped out before she could stop herself, blowing a shaky breath when she shut the door behind her.

-

Darcy woke early the next morning, got herself coffee, and made Xander something with granola and yoghurt. He made a mess but she didn’t worry too much about it.

Her mind was elsewhere, on lyrics she’d begun to form without meaning to. She let herself cling onto them, jotting them down while Xander ate. She dressed Xander for the pool and stuck his little floaties on, wading into the water with him. The rest of the house was still asleep as far as she knew. She played with Xander for an hour or so before she could hear someone using the blender in the kitchen. Darcy kept glancing up at the sky, hearing planes overhead, watching the clouds drift by.

Xander began to giggle and Darcy looked at him, seeing he was smiling at something behind her. She turned, spotting Bucky with his tongue stuck out.

“Hey, bubba,” he said to Xander.

“Buck!”

He laughed, his eyes meeting Darcy’s.

“Hey,” she said. Her heart felt so full. She watched him walk over, sit down at the edge and dip his feet in the water.

He wore sweatpants and a t-shirt, looking rumpled from sleep, soft and warm all over. She glided over to him and he leaned down to kiss her. When they broke apart, he nodded at Xander.

“We’re not gonna confuse him?” he asked, and Darcy blinked.

She hadn’t thought about that, probably because Xander had never seen his own parents kiss one another. She shook her head.

“No, I don’t… I don’t think so.”

Explaining how out of practise she really was felt a little too embarrassing right now, and she moved back to grab hold of Xander, pulling him out of the water.

“You’re pruning up, bubba,” she murmured, and Xander kept kicking his legs, splashing water. “Maybe have a break for now? Bucky can take you in later.”

Xander made a grunt in protest but he sat beside Bucky, his little hand touching his arm. Bucky watched him, smoothing back his wet hair on his little head. Xander sighed, looking up at him.

“Buck watch _Frozen_?”

Bucky glanced at Darcy. “Uh-oh. I think we caught the _Frozen_ bug. Was only a matter o’ time.”

Darcy smirked, and then she remembered Becca.

“Does your sister know you’re no longer Snuffleupagus?”

Bucky chuckled. “No. But she’d be happy to hear it.”

Darcy went to grab her phone and held it up, waving at Xander.

“Xander, look at Mommy,” she called, and Xander glanced at her, uninterested. “Smile! Smile with Bucky.”

She took a photo of Xander and Bucky looking at one another. She showed it to Bucky.

“Send it to her. She follows you on Instagram.”

Darcy felt a little ashamed that she didn’t know that, before remembering that thousands of people followed her, and she rarely took notice of the different usernames. She found a boshea92, recognizing Becca with Charlotte in her profile picture and sent her a DM.

Within a few minutes, the reply read beneath the photo of Bucky and Xander together:

** _Omfg!!!!! What???? Who is he????_ **

Darcy stretched, glancing over at the pool house. Bucky watched her and she bit her lip.

“I wanna write,” she murmured, and his eyebrows rose.

“Seriously? That’s great,” he replied. “Go, I’ll stay here.”

Darcy got up, kissing his forehead. His hand came up to touch her arm and Darcy felt her stomach flip. He walked off, shutting the door behind her.

-

The lyrics began to flow the second she put the pen back to her paper. It was a messy process. It wasn’t all good, some of it was embarrassingly bad. She couldn’t imagine showing all of it to Carol. In fact, she didn’t think about Carol being any part of what she was writing.

_I’m writing this just for me_, she thought. The idea was almost alien to her. Her two solo albums were mostly covers, the only original songs partially hers.

She kept at it for an hour or so, occasionally writing some notes and humming. Her phone buzzed beside her on the bed and she flipped it over.

She instantly wished she hadn’t. There was a comment on one of her photos on Instagram from a user she’d seen before, one that usually asked about reunions with every new picture.

** _Check twitter, tea’s been spilt_ **

Darcy frowned, her curiosity getting the better of her. She opened the Twitter app. She didn’t have an account with her name, she instead had one for checking on people she’d thought about following, including Carol. She didn’t have a desire to tweet anything, ever. The place was frightening to her, especially with all the trolls.

She immediately knew what ‘tea’ the person referred to, seeing Phil had shared a video of Bob Dylan’s _Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright. _

He would have known people would add their own context, most likely assuming Phil was the one that got away. The song was about a man not holding grudges, except for that one lyric _You just kind of wasted my precious time._

Darcy was angry. Instead of sending her a text message or email he’d done the thing that would make him feel better overall. He was allowed to be upset, Darcy didn’t hold that against him. He chose to make this public, then. People would be looking at her, anticipating her next move if she managed to make one. She appreciated the notice, despite how much it upset her.

She grabbed her notebook and guitar and walked out of the pool house, seeing Bucky glance her way.

“I’m going to record,” she called over her shoulder.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, probably a little sharper than necessary, but she’d explain later.

Darcy felt Brent’s eyes on her when she stalked through the house. She didn’t pause to chat, just kept moving, weaving past pets and people littering the rooms.

“Miss Thing! You need some assistance?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, not looking back. She could hear Brent following her.

She got to the studio and saw Carol in there already, a girl on her lap, her hand under the stranger’s shirt. She shrank back, glancing at Darcy, her eyebrows hiking.

“Oh, hi! You… you wrote something?” she asked.

The girl’s face went bright red and she hopped off Carol’s lap, ducking out of the room. Darcy watched her leave, wondering if she’d be like Julie and tell Twitter everything.

“Court’s cool, she’s a friend,” Carol said, and Darcy glanced away, back at the booth.

“I wrote a song.”

“That’s awesome!” Carol said, grinning. “Can I see?”

“I wrote it for me. I wanna release it as soon as possible, I want it out there,” Darcy said.

She’d never said that in her entire career. She’d always hesitated, tweaked songs until they were exactly right. She’d lose sleep over her mistakes. Now all she wanted was to retaliate. She wanted to write a song that people would hear.

Darcy slipped into the booth, sitting down with her guitar.

“You don’t need the lyrics somewhere, or the chords –?” Carol began, but Darcy shook her head.

She pointed to her head. “I got it.”

She began to strum. The intro was a long one, evoking an uncomfortable silence, a thrill of anticipation before Darcy finally hovered her lips over the mic.

_Tread lightly_  
_What I do can’t be done daily or nightly_  
  
Darcy knew she sounded pissed off. That was the point.

_So tell me if you like me_  
_Act like you give a fuck about me_  
_ Reverse, but you’re stuck in park_  
_ Pretend like you’re into the light but your kink is the dark_  
  
She could picture this being better if it was accompanied by a piano, like a Fiona Apple song, raw and lingering. Ideally, she’d leave people speechless.

_Platinum, soprano and all riled up_  
_When your love’s got me so fucked up_  
  
Darcy remembered healthy placement, pushing the words out, close enough to be shouting.

_Act like you can’t LIVE without me_  
_Couldn’t help the shit from piling up_  
_ How is this not about me?_  
_ How could you do this to me?_

Darcy stopped strumming, just sang loud and unrestrained.

_Act like you give a fuck about me_  
_Act like you give a FUCK ABOUT ME_  
_ Act like you GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME_

She played more notes, humming along. She dropped to her voice to a near whisper:

_… And our son_

She moved back, panting, feeling her heart hammering in her chest, reminding her she was still there, in that room, Carol on the other side of the glass.

There were several seconds of silence before Carol began to cheer. Darcy glanced at her, seeing her friend with her hands in the air, jumping up and down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Don't Think Twice, It's Alright](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iHhWh9FtsQ)
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	12. Part Twelve: Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part took forever to get started. I write every day, so having myself struggle like this was so frustrating. I'm so glad I finally got it to work somehow. I think it's been my mood swings and anxiety acting up, but I'm okay, I'm trying to be kinder to myself. Thank you for reading and patiently waiting. This part is DEFINITELY NSFW. ❤

**Part Twelve: Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me**

_I was so under scrutiny. If a hair was out of place, I’d be so anxious. I would get very anxious about so many things._ \- Britney Spears

-

For two days Darcy mixed the track over and over again with Carol and Brent. Every so often she thought she might have to pull back, reassess, and hesitate. And then she’d press on, telling herself that it must be a sign that she was so compelled for people to hear the song. She couldn’t have it be like that third solo album she put down and never came back – this heat inside her, the urge to fight, could not be ignored. She wasn’t going to shut herself in her son’s room and not see the light of day until she calmed down. She was going to breathe smoke, let people see her as she was.

When she finally let Bucky hear it, he was leaning against the control panel in the studio, Darcy sitting in the swivel chair. Darcy watched him, Bucky’s head bent as he digested the song, his arms crossed. Darcy had got rid of the last line, _And our son_, because she felt Xander being more or less named was taking it a step too far. One day she’d write songs about him, but she didn’t want him mentioned in a song that was clearly about his parents’ relationship break down. The kid was probably going to go through enough already, especially since May had got back to Darcy, telling her no news was not necessarily good news. Phil had not agreed to anything.

When Darcy’s voice reached the yelling stage, Bucky’s face changed, blinking a couple times. Darcy bit her lip, hoping it was a good sign. The song faded and he glanced at her. He didn’t say anything at all, just stared at her, shaking his head.

“What?” she blurted, breaking the silence. “Is it bad?”

He let out a low whistle. “Nope. I… am _tryin’_ to find the words to… _express_…”

Darcy felt her heart soar, feeling herself smile and Bucky copied her.

“Really? It’s that good?”

“Yeah, play it again. When were you -?”

“Tonight. Midnight,” Darcy said. “After I shoot a quick video.”

Bucky laughed. “You got an idea? Need a story board somethin’?”

“No, I’m gonna use my phone,” Darcy said. She waited for him to tell her to think it through, to wait until the dust settled, but he didn’t. “Has the sun set yet?”

He shook his head. She’d made Brent go find him before and send him over. She bit her lip, thinking.

“Okay, I know what I need to do. Could you drive me somewhere?”

Darcy went to shower, brushed her hair, and scrubbed her face. She pulled on a white t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and a pair of flip flops. She went back to the house and found Bucky and Xander together in the kitchen, Brent making something at the stove. Carol was sitting at the table and bounced over when Darcy slipped in, pulling her into a hug.

“I’m so glad you’re writing again!” she said, and Darcy let herself have it, the moment of her friend being proud of her without her refuting it.

Darcy moved back toward Bucky and took Xander in her arms, glancing up to meet Bucky’s gaze.

“Ready?” he murmured, and she nodded.

Thankfully, no-one invited themselves along. Darcy felt she’d act differently if Carol was there. She’d hate to be given any directions. They piled into the car and took off down the road. They found a semi-secluded street and parked the car. The sun was setting and Darcy knew her time was limited. She had the song on her phone and borrowed Bucky’s to record herself with.

Without make up and wearing her baggy outfit, Darcy was sure she looked half her age. The point was she was more genuine this way. Bucky and Xander stayed in the car while Darcy got out, playing the song in the back pocket of her sweatpants as she began to walk down the street, the front-facing camera of Bucky’s phone trained on her shirt.

She kept walking until the long intro was through, and she sat the phone against someone’s letterbox, kneeling in front of it, her face in the corner of the screen.

When the song finished, she sat back, looking up at the pink sky. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, and she could hear Xander squealing from the car and she got up, grabbing her phone and glanced at the runtime of the video.

5:47, or a lifetime.

-

“Can’t sleep?”

Darcy glanced up from watching her feet kick in the pool water, seeing Bucky walking over, and she nodded. The video was going to be up any minute, now. Brent told her to leave it to him and Carol. Darcy kept looking at her phone, thinking there was some other shoe to drop. Not hearing anything from her husband, not knowing how close or far she was to being separate from him, it was enough to keep her stomach twisting with anxiety.

“That obvious?” she murmured.

Bucky sat down beside her, threading her fingers through his.

“My little buddy get to sleep okay?” he asked, and Darcy smiled.

“Yeah. I couldn’t do the same.”

Bucky put her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “You didn’t feel like celebratin’?”

“I’m not really like Carol that way,” Darcy whispered. She felt a little self-conscious of that, but Bucky didn’t seem to mind. “Sorry to be a buzzkill.”

“What?” Bucky said, making a face. “Are you kiddin’? I’m out here with you, the pool to ourselves. I could go get us drinks whenever I wanted. We could go watch a movie on your phone –”

“What are you in the mood to watch?” Darcy asked, laughing.

“_Finding Nemo_,” Bucky replied instantly, and Darcy laughed a little louder. “What? What’s so funny? The little turtle gets me every time.”

He began to laugh along with her, pulling her closer, curling an arm around her middle. Their laughter died down and Darcy stared up at him, biting her lip.

“I wish it was something I could set and forget,” she murmured. “The song. The… everything. The divorce.”

Bucky nodded, moving one hand up to stroke her face. Darcy felt her stomach flip, thinking of how much he’d done for her in the last couple of days, unprompted.

“You’re incredible,” she whispered, and he blinked at her, his hand stilling. “You know that, right?”

“Darcy…”

He sounded like he was dismissing her, and she shook her head.

“I mean that.”

Something changed in the way he breathed, and his eyes took a different shade. Darcy wished he could know how much he meant to her, without somehow making a fool of herself. She thought about going all the way with him constantly. She knew he meant more than that, he was more than his body and good looks. He took everything she threw at him, never asking for anything in return. She knew it was her decision that controlled everything.

He finally glanced away, looking at the water, his hand leaving her face. Darcy watched him, hearing the crickets and the bass from the perpetual music from inside.

“Darce… you gotta get outta here,” he whispered. He shook his head. “I’m worried I’ll… I dunno.”

“What?” Darcy said, and he closed his eyes. “What did I do?”

“It’s not – I mean, I’m just… I’m worried Carol won’t let you leave the longer you stay.”

Darcy’s eyebrows hiked. “Is that why you’re here?”

Bucky blinked a couple times. “No, that’s – no, that’s me. I got… no money and no place to stay when I’m not on the road.”

“You sounded like you were talking from experience,” Darcy retorted.

Bucky carded a hand through his hair out of habit, seeming to forget his hair was significantly shorter and he sighed.

“Maybe,” he whispered. He sounded sadder.

“What did I do?” Darcy said, and he shook his head. “What did I do, ‘cause I must have done something. You sound… different. I’m – is it the song? Is it Xander? He can get on my nerves sometimes, too.”

“No,” Bucky said, a little sharper. “God, no. He’s the sweetest kid. I’m not worried about that.”

“But?” Darcy murmured. She could feel herself start to withdraw already. Maybe he was about to tell her he couldn’t keep waiting for her to get over her nerves.

“Wouldn’t it be worse if you’re here while you’re tryin’ to keep him?”

Darcy sucked in a breath. “Yeah.”

_But I don’t want to leave_, she wanted to say. She got used to sleeping in the pool house, having breakfast in the garden, being surrounded by Carol’s troupe of weirdos. Bucky was here, too. Bucky was _everything_.

She moved back, pulling her feet out of the water. She felt sick. She felt the urge to burst into tears, and she forced herself to keep her face neutral.

“Darce – baby, I’m sorry for sayin’ it in such a shitty way. I’m – I’m sorry.”

She didn’t look at him. She only nodded.

“Yeah, I – it’s fine. I’m going to… try and sleep,” she murmured.

She stood up, moving out of his range in case he tried to tug her back. She walked off to the pool house and slipped inside, refusing to look back even when Bucky called after her.

She didn’t sleep. She heard her phone buzz every so often for hours and hours. She turned over to watch Xander’s little chest go up and down. Bucky had a point, and the more she thought about it, the shittier she felt. She’d been only thinking about her feelings, not how all of this shit affected her son. This had been entirely about her, the separation, everything.

She felt hot tears spring in her eyes and they spilled over. Darcy covered her mouth to muffle the sound. She managed to calm down eventually, dozing until Xander woke around 6AM.

He grizzled, rolled over and grabbed a fistful of Darcy’s hair, tugging. Darcy groaned, squinting at him in the semi-dark.

“Stop. Stop,” she mumbled, and he began to grunt, kicking his little legs. “Jesus! Alright. Alright.”

She went and changed him on the floor, pulled a t-shirt and some shorts on his little struggling body. By the time she got him dressed she was fully awake, pulling on her sweatpants from yesterday and a new shirt, picking Xander up to carry him toward the door to leave. She got herself some coffee and grabbed fruit for Xander, heading back to the pool house.

Everything had the same blue hue, the sun barely above the horizon. Darcy thought about crawling back to sleep but she gave Xander his Mickey to play with as she finally checked her social media and emails.

She was trending on Twitter and YouTube. Her song had been streamed over a million times overnight. The articles were varied in opinion, but the consensus was that the song was unexpected.

**_Plays like The Smiths’ _Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, **one music critic wrote.

Some weren’t so complimentary, which Darcy expected. Comments about how tired she looked in the video, that it was a manipulative tactic. She scrolled through comment after comment asking where Carol was. Darcy knew people were fans of Carol, not her. They were GRLPWR fans first, Carol fans second, and Darcy fans never.

Xander unexpectedly smacked her face with Mickey and Darcy groaned, clutching her eye.

“What? What do you want?”

“Buck! Want Buck!” Xander yelled at the top of his lungs, and Darcy glared at him.

“He’s sleeping! Everyone else is sleeping except you. And me, because YOU woke me up, okay?” Darcy yelled back at him, and he hit her again.

“Fine,” she snapped, and she snatched Mickey away from him and threw him across the room.

Xander began to scream and Darcy watched him dissolve into tears, his fists clenched, his face turning red.

“You don’t want to be here, huh?”

“NO!” Xander screamed. “NO! WANT BUCK!”

Darcy felt her chest ache and she bit back a sob.

“Well, he’s not your father. You’ve got me and Daddy. Lucky you.”

Xander kept sobbing, and Darcy knew he was having a real meltdown. He kept howling for another ten minutes, Darcy’s nose in her phone, trying to ignore him. At one point, he sounded as though he was going to lose his voice from the force of his screams, but he only kept at it.

Darcy relented, getting up to get Mickey. She handed the toy to him, only to have it thrown back in her face. At that moment, Darcy’s phone began to buzz.

It was Denise.

“Xander, come on,” Darcy said, and she tried to pull him toward her, but he kept sobbing ‘want Buck’ over and over, turning his little bright red face into the bed covers.

Darcy let the call go to Voicemail, only to have it start buzzing again. Her mom was not going to let herself be ignored. Darcy let out a growl, unlocking her phone to answer it.

“What is it?”

“What on Earth is going on over there? Is that Alexander?”

“He’s… fine, Mom. He’s just tired,” Darcy replied, sighing. “He’s okay.”

“Is he not getting enough sleep with all the noise going on over there? I’m tempted to come down there myself and take him back to Phil –”

“No! He’s not going anywhere without me. Carol’s been helping me, Bucky, too. He’s upset because I lost my temper, okay? It’s my fault…”

Darcy felt a sob come bubbling up, and she touched Xander’s back, trying to soothe him.

“It’s Momma’s fault, bubba. Momma’s so sorry. Momma’s so sorry…”

She felt so much worse, realizing how much she acted like her mother just minutes ago, letting Xander cry like that for so long, making himself worse. Of course he didn’t understand, he was two years old. She felt as if she’d turned into someone else.

“Darcy, you need to grow up. You’ve had the time away and now you are going home. Your son needs to go back to a normal setting. You sound like you need to maybe see someone about –”

“Were you calling about the song I put out last night?” Darcy cut in, before Denise could suggest another therapy session. Darcy had scheduled another session already, but that was her own business.

It took Denise a few moments to wrap her head around the change of subject.

“Well, yes. I’m your manager, and you told me nothing about it. It’s embarrassing to me.”

“Then… don’t do it anymore. Don’t worry about it,” Darcy said, feeling her heart begin to hammer. “I can… I can give you a break.”

She felt gutless. She was making it sound like a kind suggestion, a vacation of some kind, instead of coming outright with what she needed. Xander kept crying, filling the silence.

“What do you mean? You want to fire me? After everything?”

“I – I just think – maybe a change would, I mean, for you –”

“Oh, I know exactly what Phil meant now, the little power plays,” Denise murmured, and Darcy felt her stomach twist.

“What? What did Phil say? What did he tell you?”

“That you used to spend all your time in the nursery. You never slept in the same bed as him since Alexander was born. You never went out. Always moped around and made it his fault that you were upset.”

Darcy closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“No. I… I was sad, but I never told Phil it was his fault.”

“He said you’d shrink away when he tried to touch you.”

“I wasn’t ready!” Darcy cried. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to be happy for him all the time, just because I’m his wife. Because I’m not – happy, I mean. I’m fucking miserable, and being here has been so good for me, because –”

“Because what?” Denise snapped. “You are being a selfish child, like always.”

_I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t plan any of this, you made me like this. You made me this woman, lost and unhappy. I wanted to go to school, have friends. I wanted to be a kid._

Darcy didn’t say any of that. She could hear Denise still going, but she pulled the phone away from her ear, staring at the display for several seconds before she hung up.

Xander was grizzling, ignoring Darcy when she tried to touch him. He mumbled Bucky’s name over and over, and Darcy didn’t know what to do. She glanced over at the bags open on the floor. She got up and began packing things away, wiping her eyes. Her eyes were leaking, but she didn’t stop to cry, only kept moving on.

She went into the bathroom and packed up the toothbrushes and make up. She was ducking under the bed to check for anything she might have missed when she heard a knock on the door.

“Hey, Darce? I know it’s early but I thought we’d go out for breakfast!”

It was Carol. Darcy wondered if she ever went to bed. There was a high possibility she hadn’t. Darcy thought about what to say.

“Why?”

“To celebrate.”

Right, the song. The song that would only make things worse, make her name all over the place, make her son a target for paparazzi, make their lives a living hell. _That _song. That fucking song.

“Is… is Xander okay?”

The door opened before Darcy could say anything and Carol came over to Xander, touching his shoulder.

“He’s… I can’t make him stop,” Darcy mumbled, hovering.

“He wants Bucky, we’ll go take him to Bucky.”

“No, no, no!” Darcy said, swooping down to pick him up. He struggled in her arms. “It’s okay. I just need to pet him and he’ll be fine.”

Carol glanced around, staring at the packed bags.

“Are you going somewhere?”

Darcy faltered. “I… I should go, right? It’s crazy to expect… me to stay here.”

Carol blinked, her expression changing. She closed her eyes.

“Oh, my God. You were going to sneak off.”

“I wouldn’t!” Darcy lied. “I would have… I would have said something to you.”

Carol turned her heel and left her there, and Darcy felt like she couldn’t breathe. Xander wouldn’t keep still and she tried holding him tighter, but she felt a pinch on her arm.

He bit her.

“Ow! What the _fuck_, Xander?”

She almost dropped him, putting him back down on the bed. She thought about running after Carol, but she didn’t know what she meant to say. She whimpered, ducking down to pick up Xander, and he began to scream again as she walked out of the pool house, through the yard and into the house.

“Dude, what the hell?” she heard one irritated voice mutter from somewhere in the kitchen as she marched through. “Shut up.”

“Carol?” Darcy called. “Carol? Where’d you go? Carol? Carol!”

Her face burned as she wandered through the corridor, searching for any sign of her. She found her room, but it was empty. She moved back into the hall, peering out the window. She couldn’t see Brent anywhere either, or Ruby, or any of the people she knew. She gnawed her lip, taking sharp, little breaths that did nothing to calm her down.

“Darcy, what the fuck?”

She turned her head, and saw Carol and Bucky standing there, Bucky’s eyes wide. Xander struggled, and Darcy set him down on the floor. He stumbled over to Bucky, sobbing into his leg as Carol crossed her arms.

“Thought he should know you were going,” Carol muttered.

Darcy knew her better. She knew she was deeply hurt. Carol acted this way only when things were too painful to push past. Darcy nodded, ducking her head.

“Yeah,” she breathed. She sniffled.

“What’s… what’s goin’ on?” Bucky whispered, picking up Xander and hugging him.

Darcy sucked in a breath. “I fired my mom.”

Carol dropped her arms, her eyes bulging. “Darcy… no. Why? What did she do?”

“I don’t know,” Darcy whispered. “I can’t do this. I can’t… do this. I can’t do this.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bucky came toward her, pulling her into him, Xander between them. “It’s okay –”

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

“What is she doing?” Carol whispered, and Bucky turned and handed her Xander, putting both his hands back on Darcy to hold her face.

“She’s havin’ a panic attack.”

Darcy froze, the words stuck on loop, her chest tighter. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this…”

“Darcy, breathe. Breathe with me, okay?” Bucky whispered. “Take a breath.”

She couldn’t. She couldn’t get enough air into her lungs, she couldn’t move her body, except her mouth. Everything had fallen apart and she felt like she could keel over at any second.

Xander began to cry again, trying to get at Bucky again. Darcy glanced at him, seeing how red he was in the face. He looked like he’d made himself sick, and she hadn’t done enough, hadn’t been kind enough to him. He was all she had. She was just like her mother –

“Oh, God,” Darcy gasped. “I can’t do this…”

Bucky kissed her on the mouth, pulling back to press his forehead to hers, rubbing her shoulders.

“Darcy, breathe. Take a deep breath. Just one for me, take a deep breath. I’ll count it. Breathe in for seven.”

Darcy began to shake her head, feeling tears fall and gather at her neck. She couldn’t handle the way Bucky’s eyes bore into hers.

“Breathe with me,” he murmured. “Okay?”

Darcy sucked in some air, took some more and then let it go fast, doing it again. She couldn’t seem to match his breathing, slow and controlled.

“Should we call an ambulance?” Carol asked, and Bucky didn’t take his eyes off of Darcy to answer her.

“I don’t think so. Go find Brent and put on _Frozen_ for Xander.”

Carol walked off with Xander crying in her arms, and Darcy bent over, putting her face in her hands.

“I can’t do this…”

She wept. It was the kind of crying Darcy did when there was nothing else left to do. She felt Bucky’s arms wrap around her shoulders and hold her against him, while Darcy buried her face in his shirt. He felt so good, so warm and safe. It only made her cry more, knowing it couldn’t always be like this.

She sniffled, and tried to move away but Bucky was stronger, tucking her under his chin.

“Take a deep breath,” he whispered, and Darcy tried, feeling a little light-headed by the time she let it go, repeating it several times as Bucky stroked her hair.

It was a minute or so before either of them spoke, and it was Darcy who broke the silence first.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Bucky pulled back, looking down at her. “What? Why?”

“I… I was going to leave and I… I’m sorry I put you through everything.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve let you go to bed like I did, the conversation half finished. I knew you were upset, and I didn’t fix that. _I’m_ sorry. I’m a fuckin’ asshole.”

He cuddled her.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Darcy shook her head, tilting her head to kiss him and he made a sound against her lips, and Darcy knew it, she knew it then – she loved him. She loved him so much.

She pulled back, staring up at him.

“I thought you’d… go back to him,” he whispered. He sounded ashamed.

Darcy shook her head. “I wouldn’t. And I would never… do those things with you if I wasn’t going to – to be with you.”

“Come on,” Bucky whispered, and he took her hand, pulling her along the corridor.

He walked them up the stairs and to his room, shutting the door behind them. Darcy sniffed, and she was sure she looked a mess, her eyes stinging, her whole body aching.

“How’re you feelin’?” he murmured. “You’re breathin’ better.”

Darcy hadn’t noticed, but she had to be, since she wasn’t feeling as tight in the chest. She still felt a little sick, her nerves making her tremble.

“I’m so tired.”

“Lie down. I’ll get you somethin’ from the kitchen –”

Darcy shot out a hand, grabbing his wrist before he could reach for the door and he looked down at her hand.

“Don’t leave.”

“Okay,” he said. “But I could –”

“No,” Darcy said, and she shook her head, tightening her grip. “_Stay.”_

She tugged him toward the mattress and they lay down, Darcy’s arms wrapping around him, pulling him flush against her, her leg over his hip, his face resting on her chest.

“I want to hold you,” she murmured, and she felt Bucky nod his head.

She couldn’t think past this moment. She couldn’t think about her packed bags, her son screaming, her song crawling up the charts, the stream count building and building. She could only focus on this one person, this person she’d been careless with, and she began to cry again.

Bucky didn’t tell her to stop. He didn’t try to make her perk up. Darcy remembered Phil doing that for the first time, early into their relationship. He asked her what was wrong, and Darcy couldn’t put it into words. She wasn’t in therapy then. He said, “That’s not my girl”, when he found her in the bedroom, staring into space. It wasn’t that Darcy hadn’t seen the signs. She didn’t do anything about them, she just barrelled past them into marriage, into freedom from Denise.

Bucky kissed her neck, buried himself there as she cried. Every so often, he’d moved back to stroke her face, and Darcy could see it was hurting him, seeing her cry like this.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her throat felt thick.

He shook his head, stroking her face.

“You didn’t sleep much, huh?” he murmured, and Darcy sniffled, shaking her head. “Then sleep.”

“Stay here with me,” she whispered. “Please don’t go.”

“I won’t, I promise,” he whispered. “Jesus, I nearly fucked this all up…”

He held her, and Darcy stared up at the ceiling until she let herself close her eyes.

-

She woke later, reaching out to find herself alone on the mattress. She sat up, looking around. She remembered the morning and she put her face in her hands.

She heard the door open and Bucky came in, two steaming mugs in his hands.

“Sorry, I tried to be quick,” he murmured. “Didn’t want you wakin’ up alone, but…”

Darcy couldn’t help feeling embarrassed. She’d derailed the entire morning. She took one of the mugs from him, smelling some kind of fruity scent.

“Didn’t know if caffeine was a good idea,” he went on. “So I got you tea. It’s… forest fruits or somethin’.”

He watched her and Darcy nodded, putting the mug down on the shelf. Bucky did the same, before getting up to shut the door and lock it once again, moving back to the floor a second later.

“Has that happened to you before? A panic attack?” he asked, and Darcy blinked.

She honestly didn’t know. She didn’t entirely trust her perceptions when she used to live with Phil in that loveless apartment. She knew her emotions were stronger when she was anxious, but she couldn’t recall not being able to breathe, except maybe a couple times when Xander was a newborn. It felt so long ago, and the more she tried to remember, the foggier her memories became.

“I don’t know,” she replied eventually. She sighed. “I’m so… embarrassed.”

“Don’t be,” Bucky replied instantly. “God, you… you’re amazing.”

Darcy made a face. “What? No. I’m… a shitty wife. All I ever did was avoid my husband. I’m a shitty mom. This morning I let Xander scream at the top of his lungs because I didn’t want to comfort him. I’m a shitty friend because I was gonna sneak off…”

“None of that is true,” Bucky cut in, and Darcy clenched her jaw, frustrated.

“I don’t know what you see, okay? And it bothers me that you don’t listen –”

“I don’t listen?” he retorted. “Do you think I’m – what? Full of shit? Why would I do that?”

Darcy couldn’t think of a reason that didn’t make him sound like a complete scumbag, and she knew Bucky was a good person, so she shrugged, saying nothing.

“I didn’t mean to sound – shit,” he muttered. He rubbed his eyes. “There’s so much I wanna say.”

Darcy stared at him, feeling her stomach flip.

“So say it.”

They mirrored one another, both of them sitting on their knees, Darcy’s heart hammering. Bucky bit his lip, closed his eyes, and drew out the moment longer. Darcy could see he was barely containing his fear. He looked away from her, groaning softly, and Darcy couldn’t take it. She reached out, grabbing his hand.

“Can’t you see it?” he said, his eyes meeting hers. “Fuck, I’m…”

Darcy felt her eyes prickle. “Bucky…”

“I love you.”

He kissed her before she could reply, his hands in her hair, pulling her toward him. Darcy whimpered, and they took off, Bucky lying on top of her as they tangled together. Darcy’s heart felt like it was in a vice, and she was afraid of it being too much, him touching her like this, but it wasn’t – she just wanted more and more. She should have known it would be like this. He’d never made her feel anything but wanted and safe.

“I love you, too,” she whispered.

There was a neediness to his touch, which Darcy hadn’t felt before. There was a passion to him always, but this was different. He was kissing her like he was starved, constantly moving, his hands in her hair, on her face, his lips on her mouth, her cheeks, her throat.

“Bucky –”

“Gotta slow down, don’t I?” he whispered, sounding out of breath. “I gotta stop. I – I can’t act like an animal –”

Darcy cut him off with a rough kiss and he groaned, while Darcy took his hands and shoved them under her shirt. She’d never wanted someone more in her whole life. She felt possessed with it, her hands all over him, wanting to feel every part of him at once.

He gasped when she shoved her hand down the front of his sweatpants, squeezing his shaft. He moaned, curling himself around her, kissing her throat, teeth grazing her skin.

“Fuck – please, I just want –” Darcy couldn’t get the words out, but she withdrew her hand, tugging at his shirt. “Take this off. Take everything off.”

He moved back, peeling off his shirt, pulling down his sweatpants. Darcy could see the wet patch on the front of his underwear as he sat back with his knees, and his hand went to adjust himself, his eyes glued to her.

“You’re so fuckin’ beautiful,” he whispered. “What the fuck did I do to deserve you?”

Darcy didn’t reply to that, she didn’t know what to say. Instead, she pulled off her shirt, then her bra. She held her breath, her hands going to the waistband of her leggings. She stopped, staring up at him. His mouth was all wet and pink, his pupils blown. He panted, waiting.

“I’m not – I know you’ve seen my legs,” she whispered. “I – I just – you haven’t seen everything at once. I haven’t been naked in front of anyone but Xander for… for forever. I don’t know –”

“You don’t have to,” Bucky said. “We can stop.”

“Fuck, _no_, we are not stopping,” Darcy threw back, and he let out a breathless laugh. “I might need a minute, but we’re not stopping.”

She pulled at her leggings, lifting her hips as she tugged it all down. She thought about her bush, her thighs, and the marks. Bucky moved toward her, his hands reaching to help her pull everything off.

Darcy’s breath hitched as his gaze ran up and down.

“You’re overdressed, now,” she said, her voice small.

“Yeah,” Bucky breathed. He moved back, pulling off his boxer briefs and kicking them aside. His cock bobbed, and Darcy felt the heat rise in her cheeks. Bucky seemed to read her mind.

“We’ll go slow, whatever you want,” he said, and he moved toward her once more, and Darcy spread her legs a little wider, his hips coming to rest between her thighs.

Darcy could barely concentrate on what he was saying because of how he looked between her legs, her thighs hugging his body. She nodded vaguely, her hands reaching to touch his face, to pull his mouth down to meet hers.

“Don’t slow down,” she whispered, and she trailed a hand down between them, wrapping it around his cock, pumping him. He moaned.

They were back to the smothering kisses, one of his hands gliding down her leg to hitch her thigh further up, his fingers meeting her ass cheek and squeezing. It made Darcy moan into his open mouth, their tongues meeting again and again in the middle.

“I want you,” she whispered. “I _want_ you –”

He pulled back, kissing her jaw and then down her neck. He sucked on her nipples until they were wet and hard, going further down to her stomach –

“Oh, shit,” Darcy gasped, when she realized what was happening. She sucked in a breath when he pushed her legs wider apart, spreading her open as he dipped down to kiss her mound. Darcy’s hands when to his shoulders, digging into the hard muscle as he sucked at her inner thigh.

“This okay?” he asked, and Darcy opened her eyes, finding she’d put her arm across them to shield herself.

“Y-Yeah,” she whispered, her heart in her throat. “I’m rusty is all. Hard to… think right now.”

He leaned forward and Darcy felt the first swipe of his tongue against her cunt and she shivered, making herself look down at him as he did it again, slow and deliberate.

He wasn’t diving in, he was warming her up, letting her get used to the idea of his mouth down there. In all honesty, Darcy didn’t think she would ever get used to it, his handsome face between her legs, right up against her cunt like that. It was almost too much, her eyes misting as he licked slow and steady, his gaze fixed on hers.

Darcy moved to rest on her elbows, seeing the folds of her stomach, the unflattering angle from his viewpoint. She flushed, annoyed she was trying to ruin this –

Bucky moved his mouth up further, his tongue swirling around her clit and Darcy lost her train of thought, letting out a moan.

“Holy shit…”

He did it again, watching her face as she bit her lip, lifting her hips a little to get the best angle. He kept at it, speeding up when Darcy’s breathing began to get shallow.

He moved one hand up to squeeze her breast, the other moving up between her thighs. He pulled off of Darcy for a second, and Darcy stared at the string of spit and arousal on his mouth. He licked his lips.

“This okay? With my fingers?” he whispered. His cheeks were pink.

Darcy nodded. “You’re gonna… fuck me with your fingers?”

Bucky nodded back at her, lowering his mouth again to kiss her cunt, lightly, making Darcy hiss.

“You want that, baby? You want me inside you?”

“Yeah,” Darcy breathed. She was awful at dirty talk, but she wanted to try. Bucky made her feel as though she could fumble and he wouldn’t tease her for it.

“Too much?” he murmured, and Darcy realized _he_ was self-conscious.

“We’re both a little shy,” she replied, shaking her head. “Please, I want – I want you inside me.”

He ducked his head, nodding. “Okay.”

She felt his finger brush her entrance, his tongue swirling around her clit again. He began to suck her, gentle at first, until Darcy moaned, closing her eyes.

_“Baby…”_ she gasped when he sunk a finger inside her, curling it toward himself. She felt herself clench around him, trying to draw him further in.

Bucky groaned, and Darcy opened her eyes, looking down at him to see his eyes were closed. He breathed her in, tasted her, began to pump his fingers. The sight of him so lost in his pleasure had another wave of desire pool between her legs and Darcy could hear how wet she was. He kept at it, focusing more on her clit.

“_There_,” she gasped. He persisted, and Darcy’s eyes widened, staring down at him. “Oh, my God. Whatever you’re doing… Fuck, don’t stop…”

He was relentless with his mouth and Darcy could feel it, the way her body was tightening, set to rip apart. She could feel her thighs start to shake, her hands going to his head and pushing herself into him.

“OhmyGodohmyGodohmy – _God!”_

She huffed, going perfectly still as she came. She felt her whole body tense and slacken, squeezing his fingers, her hips rocking as she came back to Earth, rubbing his face with her cunt. She didn’t care, she only thought about how good he made her feel, and how she wanted to do the same. She grabbed his shoulders, yanked him away from her lower half and pushed him until he fell back on the mattress.

She felt like a wild thing, lowering herself until her face was mere inches away from his leaking cock, one hand cupping his balls, the other his shaft.

Bucky made a choked sound when he felt her tongue swipe along the underside of his shaft, his hand going to the side of her face.

“Jesus. I’ll last like, two seconds if you –”

Darcy pulled back, searching his face.

“Please can I?” she asked, and he laughed, breathless.

“You have to ask?”

“Can I suck you off?” she whispered, and she smiled at his face, the wounded look that he gave her.

“Fuckin’ hell,” he whispered. “God, I feel like a fuckin’ teenager. Young, dumb and –”

“Full of come?” Darcy cut in and he nodded, biting his lip. “I gotta admit, I never liked doing this before. Must be something about you.”

“Fuck,” was all Bucky could reply, because she took him in her mouth, all the way until her nose bumped his stomach, her eyes watering.

She was greedy, sucking and licking him up and down, drawing moans from him. She saw his arm go behind him, gripping the edge of the mattress as if his life depended on it, his hand flexing every few seconds against the side of her face. She could taste the saltiness of his precome, took note of each ridge and vein of his cock. He was extra sensitive on the underside, and Darcy pulled back to lick him, pressing her tongue and dragging it up and down with her mouth open.

Bucky whimpered, completely helpless.

“You feel so good,” he whispered. “I’m not gonna stay quiet. Maybe I should grab a pillow –”

Darcy chuckled at that, pulling her mouth away and pumping him in her hand, watching his chest heave.

“You’re close, huh?”

“That obvious?” he whispered back. “Do I have a tell?”

She smiled, kissing the tip of him, rubbing him with her thumb. She saw him gnaw at his lip, saw the way he tried and failed to keep still.

“You wanna fuck me?” she whispered. She felt her cheeks heat at her own words.

Bucky swallowed thickly. “If you’re not ready –”

“I am,” Darcy said, and she sat up, still holding his cock. “You just can’t come inside me.”

“You sure?” he whispered, and she nodded.

She wanted him, but a part of her wanted to please him. Not because she was afraid of somehow losing him because they didn’t go all the way. She liked making him happy, because doing so made her happy as well.

He moved his head up to kiss her and she melted into it, smelling herself on his face, and he tugged her closer, rolling them so he was on top once more. Darcy’s legs were spread, one of Bucky’s hands wrapping around her knee, the other on his cock to guide it.

His gaze rested on hers and Darcy held her breath, nodding.

For a couple seconds, she only felt the tip of him rub against her, and then he sunk into her, both of them gasping. Darcy couldn’t believe she’d forgotten that feeling – of someone pushing inside her, her body crying out for it like that. She gasped again when Bucky moved up her body, resting against her, brushing the hair from her face.

He didn’t move at all, not until Darcy shifted her hips, encouraging him.

“I can’t stop shaking,” Darcy whispered. She felt her chin quiver and she covered it with her hand. “I can’t stop.”

Bucky kissed her, slow and tender, neither of them closing their eyes. He began to grind, and Darcy moaned.

“You feel…” Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed, finally, his body giving in. “So… fuckin’ good.”

He was shaking, too, and Darcy kissed his face, wrapped her arms around him.

“Go harder,” she whispered. “Want to feel you.”

“God,” he gasped, and his hips jerked, Darcy’s lip between her teeth. “’M so close, I can’t –”

It was over fast, Bucky’s forehead bumping hers for a full minute until he pulled out, panting, Darcy’s hand wrapping around his shaft to finish him off, and he whimpered, pulling her into a rough kiss. He came, shuddering on top of her, her stomach hit with most of it. She felt it pooling in her navel, the heat of it enough to make her shiver, smiling up at him.

He looked wrecked, his eyes heavy-lidded as he panted, rolling onto his back. He reached for his shirt and Darcy took it, wiping her front. She lay there beside him, watching him try to stay awake.

She slipped out of his room to use the bathroom and then she went back, seeing him asleep on his back, his lips parted. She lay down beside him, curling up on her side.

She closed her eyes, listening to him breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	13. Part Thirteen: Into You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, welcome back! I missed this universe.

**Part Thirteen: Into You**

_Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother’s love is not._ \- James Joyce

-

She’d spent the rest of yesterday with Bucky in his room, sleeping on and off. She had been in a daze, feeling something like the time she lost her virginity to Phil. It was the feeling of crossing over into something else. She’d done this thing now, a thing people seemed to do all the time, and now she was like everyone else. Sexually active, and allowed to be that way. It was thrilling and terrifying, and she couldn’t stop herself from feeling pathetic as well.

Sitting in her therapist’s office the following day, she didn’t know where to begin if she was going to talk about Bucky, because her feelings felt endless. Words were not enough.

“Have you spoken to your lawyer about moving forward?” Alice asked, and Darcy nodded.

“It’s a thirty thousand dollar retainer. I have to ask my mom for the money, she manages all of that,” Darcy murmured, feeling her stomach twist. “I don’t know how to fix everything…”

“Her mother is no longer entitled to that side of your life,” Alice said. “You’re in desperate need of new management, though I know it’s hard for you to trust anyone right now.”

“I don’t know where to begin with that. How do I get a new manager? I’ve had the same one since I was fourteen…”

“Are there people Carol knows?”

“I don’t know about Carol,” Darcy mumbled. “I really hurt her feelings yesterday. I was going to sneak off without saying goodbye.”

“Why would you do that?” Alice asked.

Darcy glanced away, feeling her eyes mist. “I didn’t want her to be mad at me.”

She sounded like child and she resented that. She sniffled, rubbing her eyes. She was glad that at least Xander was with Bucky in the waiting room. She didn’t want him more exposed to her being this way, such a mess. She was no longer capable of pretending otherwise.

“I keep thinking about me doing this to him,” she mumbled.

“Do you mean -?”

“Xander,” Darcy said, sniffling. “He didn’t ask to be born. He’s an innocent kid, and all I’ve done the last few weeks is think about myself, not him…”

“But you’d do anything for him,” Alice said, her voice soft. “Darcy, anyone can see you’re a terrific mom, and you love Xander very much.”

“I was just like my mom yesterday morning, I lost patience with him so easily –”

“Really?” Alice cut in. “Is it helpful bullying yourself over a pretty understandable frustration? Your son is a toddler. You know they call them the Terrible Two’s?”

Darcy pressed her lips together, nodding. She still didn’t think it was fair that she get a pass when she knew how bad her own mother always made her feel growing up.

“What’s going on in your body right now?” Alice asked.

Darcy glanced away, sighing.

“I’m… tired. I’m delicate,” she murmured. “I keep thinking I’m doing everything wrong and I’ve put my head in the sand.”

“You’re waiting on your husband,” Alice said, Darcy’s eyes snapping to meet hers. “Ex-husband.”

She sighed again. “The point is he’s not my ex just yet… I don’t know how I’d do this alone. You know, truly alone.”

She cleared her throat. “The man in the waiting room, he’s… my new friend. He’s been kind to me.”

“He seemed very absorbed with Xander when you came in,” Alice said, a smile spreading on her face. “It’s always great to see a man comfortable around kids.”

“He thrives,” Darcy amended, and Alice nodded. “Xander adores him.”

She felt her stomach flutter, remembering the last day together. She spent the afternoon in Bucky’s room, lying in his arms. They only made love the one time before they both crashed, and then that night Darcy was sleeping in the pool house again. She could sense that Bucky was trying to not push her too hard. She sensed he was maybe scared of losing her by smothering her.

“I adore him,” she added, smiling. “I never…”

_I’ve never loved a man this way before, _she thought. It had to be true. It was sad, thinking of how she’d been married ten years to someone she wasn’t head-over-heels for.

“So, the panic attack,” Alice murmured, and Darcy was brought back to the present. “Were there any other symptoms? Anything you were acting on?”

“No,” Darcy whispered, feeling her stomach twist with shame. Alice was asking about risks, which made sense. She was first sent here after she went loopy the first time when Xander was born. “I’m putting everyone though Hell. I wish I wasn’t like this.”

“It’s incredibly common,” Alice said, and Darcy frowned.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” she mumbled. “If anything, it depresses me. Why can’t we just not feel so anxious all the time? Why do I have to be such a crybaby? Why does everything have to be a drama?”

Alice sidestepped all that, pursing her lips as she scrawled on her notepad.

“Darcy, I want you to consider that this is something you need to learn to manage,” she said.

Darcy frowned. “I am…”

“You have your son,” Alice added. “And your fears aren’t all unwarranted, I’ll grant you that. But you can be a healthy, happy person living with anxiety. If you make some positive changes.”

Darcy nodded.

“So moving out would be good,” Alice said. “And not employing your mother anymore.”

“Could you speak to her for me?” Darcy murmured, and Alice’s face changed.

“For a care plan, sure. She is your next of kin,” Alice said, writing something in her margin. “You also need people around you who will help you through this particularly difficult time.”

Darcy nodded. “Divorced at twenty-eight…”

“People get married all the time,” Alice said, shrugging a shoulder. “It’s incredibly easy to do. It’s not a reflection on your character that your partner wasn’t faithful to you.”

“Except –”

Alice held up her hand. “Is this thought helpful? What’s the thought you’re having?”

Darcy glanced at the ceiling, feeling tears well in her eyes and begin to spill over. Alice moved the tissue box closer to her again, waiting.

“I have a chance to… you know,” Darcy whispered, her breath shaky. “With Xander, I have a chance to do it right this time.”

She was referring to him having a happy childhood unlike her own.

“But I can’t seem to…”

She wiped her eyes, groaning a little.

“I’m so stuck on being a crappy mom.”

She left Alice’s office fifteen minutes later, blowing her nose on her way out, tossing the tissue in the trash before exiting. She saw Bucky sitting with Xander on his knee, reading him a book, Mickey clutched in Xander’s pudgy fist.

“Mama!”

“Hey, bubba,” she murmured, and Xander reached for her.

She felt Bucky’s eyes on her as she picked up the toddler, kissing his face. She knew it was obvious that she’d been crying. Bucky got up, picking up Xander’s things while Darcy went to the receptionist desk to schedule another appointment.

When they left the offices for the elevators, Bucky turned to Darcy, touching her shoulder.

“Becca called,” he began, and Darcy met his eye, trying to decipher whatever was there. “She got an idea. It’s up to you if –”

“What is it?”

“She’s getting her nails done. I volunteered to take her kids for a little while. She wondered if you wanted to go with her,” he murmured.

Between them, Xander was mumbling nonsense to himself as he jerked Mickey up and down, hitting Darcy’s leg in the process.

She thought about bursting into tears or something worse happening in Becca’s presence. She bit her lip, looking away.

“I can tell her you’re busy. I mean, you are,” he said. “Busy, I mean.”

The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside, pressing a button for the basement. Darcy took out her car keys, biting her lip.

“What… what do you think?” she said, glancing up at him.

His brows lifted. “Me?”

“Someone else in here with us?” she murmured, and he gave a smile.

“Becca would be fun. Her nail girl went to high school with her. She liked you visiting the last time,” Bucky said. He looked down at Xander. “We’ll go to the park with Becca’s kids. I’ll get Uncle points. Win-win.”

“You’d get boyfriend points, too,” Darcy murmured, and he smiled again, but he almost hesitant to do so.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Darcy replied.

The elevator stopped, opening at their level and they stepped out, Darcy hoisting Xander on her hip once more.

“Hey,” she said, and she reached for Bucky’s hand, tugging him back.

She moved toward him, tilting her head to brush her nose with his, standing on tip-toe to kiss him. He returned it, his hand coming up to cup her jaw. When she pulled back, his eyes were darker and he bit his lip, letting out a low breath as he physically stepped away from her.

Darcy turned away, beginning to walk back to her car. She unlocked it and put Xander in his car seat, Bucky standing beside her.

She shut the door and he grabbed her, pulling her into another kiss, more heated than the last. He turned to press her into the side of the car, his tongue slipping between her lips, swallowing the moan she couldn’t keep inside.

“Buck, we gotta –”

He pulled back, his pupils blown, licking his lips. “Hmm?”

“You drive. We’ll go to Becca’s.”

He nodded, pulling back. She handed him the keys, and at the last second he kissed her again, making a sound against her lips as he clutched her waist. He broke away, muttering something to herself she couldn’t hear but she giggled, feeling giddy.

-

Paddy Junior, Sean and Charlotte were all to occupied with Bucky being there for them to really notice Xander in their uncle’s arms. They began climbing all over him the second they lay eyes on him, and Darcy was trying her best to not apologize too much for existing.

“I know it’s short notice,” she began, and Becca waved her hand.

“Shh, it’s fine,” she said. “Angelica will get here soon. I’ll be forever thankful for your getting rid of my brother’s sheepdog look.”

Darcy couldn’t help herself blushing, looking at Bucky who was in deep conversation with Sean over baseball, Buster circling them while he barked.

“I realize it was very rocker of him to have that hairy look, but I wasn’t the biggest fan,” Becca added, watching her brother.

“What are you starin’ at?” Bucky said sunddenly, glancing at the two women.

“An intruder. Are you leaving?”

“Yeah,” he said. He turned to the kids. “Park? Let’s go.”

Darcy moved to kiss Xander, push his hat further down though he hated it. Thank God for the strap that kept it in place whether he liked it or not. Bucky was reaching for the front door, before looking at Darcy, smiling.

“See ya,” he said, and Darcy felt her stomach flip, aware of the audience.

She moved to kiss him, a peck on the lips, and he grinned wider. When they were alone again, Darcy avoided Becca’s gaze, feeling her cheeks burn.

“So…”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, and her eyes snapped to Becca’s.

She looked nothing short of elated, her eyes bright and wide, a grin on her face that resembled Bucky’s. Darcy didn’t say anything, only nodded, and Becca let out a squeal, coming toward her to hug her tight.

“Okay,” Darcy murmured, her arms rigid by her sides. She let herself feel the embrace, note the scent of Becca’s skin, the shampoo she used in her hair. She let out a breath and rose her arms to return the hug.

When they broke apart, Becca went to the kitchen to get them a pitcher of ice water to share while they waited. Angelica was a bubbly but not overbearing woman, her own nails elaborately decorated. Darcy sat beside Becca, keeping quiet as Becca and Angelica chatted.

Darcy felt Angelica’s eyes on her every couple seconds. She waited for her to ask some question she didn’t want to answer.

“Good to get some time to ourselves, huh?” Becca murmured, and Darcy nodded. “Now I just need to bleach and tone everything, then my hair won’t look like corn…”

Angelica was filing her nail and pointed the file at her. “I gave you the number for my sister in law, she’s great.”

“Yeah, it’s all about time management,” Becca said. “And you know, it’s hard to get out that far sometimes. Barely managed to get out of bed this morning.”

Darcy blinked, looking at the side of Becca’s face. She seemed to outgoing. Why did that happen this morning? She looked away, listening.

“Paddy’s the same,” she murmured, sighing. “At least he gets it, y’know? I don’t have to explain it.”

“You work way too hard,” Angelica said, shaking her head. “We all do.”

Becca shrugged. “Sometimes I think I really phone it in with the kids, putting on a movie and then lying down for three hours…”

“You need that sometimes, though,” Darcy spoke up, and she felt both pairs of eyes on her, Angelica’s file pausing. “You can’t help it.”

Becca nodded. “Thank God for Lexapro.”

They all laughed, and Darcy felt something loosen in her chest. She watched as Angelica transformed Becca’s nails from the teal talons she had before to a pastel purple affair with little butterflies in each centre. Becca kept turning them over and over, admiring them.

Angelica patted her little table, looking at Darcy.

“Mine look…” she began, but Angelica shook her head.

“I’ve seen all kinds,” she replied. “Gimme.”

Darcy put her hands down, and Angelica set to work, chatting all the while. About the weather, about what was happening in the news, about Becca’s work at the hospital.

“And how’s Bucky?” Angelica asked, looking at Becca.

“Don’t ask me,” Becca said, pointing at Darcy. “She’d know.”

Angelica burst into a smile. “I was hoping my guess was correct –”

“And what guess was that?” Darcy muttered, and they all began to chuckle.

Darcy’s short nails were being painted black, her gaze on Angelica’s precise strokes. She felt her face blush.

“I always hoped he’d find someone,” Angelica said. “I never hear that type of news…”

“I guess he’s particular,” Becca said, a hint of irony in her tone. “Very specific.”

“You mean in type?”

“No, in _person_,” Becca murmured, chuckling. “_Very_ specific.”

They were finishing up when Bucky and the kids returned, Angelica lighting up when he walked in, her eyes meeting Darcy’s.

“Oh, I’ve never seen him like this,” she said, and Darcy ducked her head, blushing again.

Darcy offered she take a photo for Angelica’s social media and she was given a flurry of compliments in return.

“You’re so sweet. And you haven’t aged a _day_. I remember going to a concert in Malibu…”

They left Becca’s eventually, Xander out cold in the back seat as they drove. At one point, Bucky’s hand reached for hers and he turned it over, inspecting the nails.

“Very cool.”

“Not boring?”

“You wanted the ones like Becca has ‘em?” he asked, and Darcy shook her head. “You sure? The second they’re on, the ‘tude goes up to eleven…”

Darcy giggled, and he glanced at her face.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she said.

He didn’t let go of her hand until he needed to use both hands on the freeway, the radio playing Ariana Grande’s _Into You_. At one point in the song, Bucky murmured:

“Can you sing a whistle tone?”

Darcy blinked, looking behind them to see Xander still asleep in his seat, his head adorably slumped.

“Maybe, but I won’t demonstrate right this second,” she replied.

“I knew it,” he murmured, changing lanes. He met her gaze. “I had a feeling.”

She wanted to climb into his lap and kiss him all over and she smiled, looking out the window. They drove back in relative silence, pulling up at Carol’s.

She hadn’t spoken to her friend much since yesterday when they argued. Brent seemed to be keeping a hold on things, telling Darcy to give her space.

She went to unbuckle Xander from his chair, laying him across her chest as Bucky grabbed their bags. They began to walk up to the front door when Darcy heard a car door slam in the distance and she turned her head toward the source.

“Hold on,” Bucky murmured, and he stepped in front of her, walking over to the stranger, a woman who looked perfectly ordinary.

She expected it was another one of Carol’s exes wanting to get a last word in, but she kept looking over at Darcy even when Bucky stood in front of her.

Darcy kissed Xander’s head, stroking his hair, watching.

“Can I help?” she heard Bucky ask.

“It’s not for you,” the woman replied. She took a file out of her bag and promptly side-stepped Bucky, moving to walk up the drive. “Darcy Lewis?”

“Do I know you?” Darcy asked, feeling herself physically recoil, taking a step back.

“No,” the woman said, unaffected.

Bucky managed to get between them, blocking the woman’s path. “Don’t talk to her.”

“Darcy Lewis, you’re served,” she said, and Darcy felt her eyes bulge, her stomach dropping.

The woman waited, holding the file expectantly. Darcy moved out from behind Bucky, snatching the file. The woman turned her heel and walked back down the driveway to her car.

She sped off by the time Darcy opened the file, pulling out the papers. The words swam but she managed to make out the few damning ones, the ones that warranted the third party delivery service.

“Phil’s divorcing _me_,” she said, and she held up the papers for Bucky to see, his eyes widening. “Like he’s got the moral high ground. And he’s suing me for sole custody.”

She felt like she could throw up or scream or both and it wouldn’t do her feelings justice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	14. Part Fourteen: ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst in this one!

**Part Fourteen: ...**

-

_When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone._ \- Fiona Apple

-

_And I just can't look, it's killing me, and taking control..._ \- The Killers, _Mr. Brightside_

-

Bucky took one look at the papers before his jaw tensed and their eyes locked again.

“Call May.”

“How would he have even known where I was staying?” Darcy asked, taking the papers back to flip through them, and Bucky unhooked Xander’s arms from her to detach him gently, gathering the toddler in his arms.

Xander stirred, burying himself in Bucky’s shoulder as she kept flipping through.

“He can’t be serious…”

“Call May,” Bucky said again.

“My mom must have told him,” Darcy muttered, going back to the start and skimming the page. “She must have given him Carol’s address and his lawyer sent whatsername…”

“Darcy,” Bucky cut in, and her eyes snapped to his. “Call May. Do it now.”

She fumbled her phone, and she could see he wasn’t going to leave her to her own devices. Darcy was put on hold and she felt her eyes sting, knowing that the person who’d talked her down during her panic attack was now too concerned to pretend otherwise. She tried to not take note of the amount of time she waited, the sense of urgency setting in, the ground feeling uneven.

“Take him inside,” she said, and Bucky turned, carrying Xander away.

She closed her eyes, listening to the music. It was a ukulele cover of something she couldn’t recall, maybe a pop song she couldn’t place over the loop currently occupying her head.

“Hi, May? Um – I just – I just got served papers.”

She saw Bucky come back without Xander, his hands reaching in his pocket for a cigarette and he lit it, taking a drag. He moved toward Darcy when she lifted her hand, giving her the cigarette and lighting himself another one.

“Okay. So, we need to contest this. When did you get the papers?”

“All of five minutes ago,” Darcy said, her voice wobbling. She stuck the cigarette in her mouth and took a deep drag, exhaling shakily. She rubbed her eyes. “I thought there was a soft negotiation.”

“I had not heard from Phil representation, and you and I agreed –”

“Yeah, I know,” Darcy mumbled. “I thought there wasn’t a time limit. He wants sole custody.”

“Okay. And we’re not going to take that,” May replied.

Darcy inhaled again, feeling a tingling spread over her. Bucky was silently smoking beside her, watching her. She felt her chin wobble.

“There’s um… there’s a chance he can win, right? Because of… well, so many reasons.”

“He is not your child’s primary carer, you are,” May said. “You’ve been with him every day his whole life. I’m having my secretary draw up papers now. You know my retainer.”

“What time is it right now?” Darcy mumbled, and she pulled back her phone to check and she sighed. “Shit. After five…”

“I had you booked in to see me tomorrow at nine AM. We will go from there.”

“Okay,” Darcy said, and she blew out more smoke.

She knew now that there was a part of her that hoped this wouldn’t go this way. She hoped Phil would let it go, accept whatever terms she had. She didn’t think he’d miss her as his wife, maybe as the main breadwinner. Not that he married her for her money, at least, she didn’t think so at the time. He liked paying for his own things for the most part. Darcy had always thought that marriage meant sharing, so it wasn’t a problem to buy him his computer or his videogames…

She’d been so naïve.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” she whispered, and then she remembered May was still on the line.

“This is temporary,” she replied, and Darcy felt a sob bubble up. “We can work this out. You’re not stupid for asking for this. It’s more than reasonable. You can call me if anything else comes up. Nine AM, Darcy. I’ll see you then.”

“Okay. See you.”

“And Darcy?”

“What?” she mumbled, dreading whatever else there was.

“Do not contact your ex.”

“Okay,” Darcy said again.

She hung up, flicking ash on the ground, her mind swimming. She took another drag and scrolled through her phone, hearing Bucky say something but she wasn’t paying enough attention.

“Huh?”

“What’d she say?” he asked, and she looked at him for a split second, feeling her guts twist. She pressed the call button and put her phone back to her ear.

He frowned. “Darce, who are you calling?”

She turned away from him then, not wanting to see his face when her mother picked up several rings later.

“Mom.”

She stared up at the sky, contemplating where Denise might be. She liked sitting by the pool in the afternoons, especially in summer. The late August air was less humid today.

“Mom, you there?”

“Yes, I am. Are you calling about Phil?”

Her tone was clipped and Darcy pictured her face pinching. She could remember all the times over the years when she’d come to Denise with bad news and she’d never come away from their conversations feeling any better. She didn’t exactly know what she wanted from this particular conversation, she only knew that the compulsion was to call her, to hear her say something.

“I’m calling because a woman showed up at Carol’s with divorce papers. I didn’t tell my lawyer the address. I told you.”

There was silence on the other end.

“Mom, I’m asking if you gave Phil my address for him to serve me papers.”

“And what if I did?”

Darcy let out a mirthless chuckle and she felt Bucky’s hand on her shoulder but she edged away from him. She didn’t want him trying to comfort her.

“He’s your husband. It’s his child. _My_ grandchild.”

“Why would you want him to have sole custody?” Darcy asked, and she stared down at the cigarette between her fingers, watching it smoulder. “Is this because I want different management?”

“You can’t expect me to sit by while Alexander is raised in an environment like Carol Danvers’ hippie commune when he’d be much safer with Phil and myself in Manhattan. It’s negligible.”

“It’s… negligible?” Darcy repeated. “When has that stopped you before? And I’m sorry, you’re planning to raise my son with my ex-husband and what, his ten or so little friends he made behind my back?”

“As opposed to you? With that James fellow I spoke to a few days ago?”

“Mom, he’s a better father than Phil ever was, and I never asked him to try,” Darcy snapped. “You’re doing this to get back at me, for all those times I refused a reunion. Now that I want to do this with other people, you’re jealous.”

“Jealous?” Denise repeated. “Jealous of what? The poor soul that has to navigate your temper tantrums because you can’t do your job?”

“I have an anxiety disorder, _I can’t stop it!”_ Darcy snarled, and she felt herself begin to shake with fury, her stomach churning. “I will keep Xander and you won’t see him. I will never forgive you for this.”

She hung up, breathing heavily, feeling Bucky reach for her again.

“Get off me.”

She heard his hands fall to his sides and she threw the cigarette butt down and ground it into the pavement, feeling the angry tears begin to spill over. She sobbed, putting her face in her hands. She trembled, crying like she did soon after her panic attack. She was wracked with sobs, her chest aching, Bucky’s arms wrapping around her despite her protests.

-

She went to find Xander in the pool house asleep and she lay beside him, aware of Bucky coming and going, asking her if she wanted something to drink, something to eat.

She wanted to scream and scream until she lost her voice. She wanted to never leave Xander’s side. She never wanted to close her eyes as she watched him sleep.

She ate a few bites of toast and pushed away whatever else was offered.

She didn’t sleep. She knew reading the papers would make her more upset but she wasn’t able to spare herself from it. She tried to decipher the writing, tried to make it seem less scary as she read through each demand, but it was simple in its cruelty.

Phil wanted Xander and he was going to fight her on it. She didn’t think he had a limit of how far he would go, and in a court, her mental illness would not bode well.

She lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling in her bed with Xander between herself and Bucky. She was pretty sure he wasn’t sleeping well either, but at least Xander was, snoring softly as Darcy tried to not think about him not being there one day because she lost to Phil.

When she separated from Bucky in the driveway, she couldn’t stop shaking. She knew that she’d gone into shock. Her body had prolonged it, the effects of her marriage dissolving, from truly changing how she felt inside. She’d pushed through it with avoidance, Carol, music and Bucky.

She rolled off the bed when it was six AM, putting the clothes on she wore yesterday. She scrolled through her Instagram as the sun rose, and she only moved again when she knew Xander was awake. She picked him up and snuggled him close, breathing in the baby scent of him. She went with him to get fruit and yogurt from the kitchen. She drank black coffee at the bench.

“Hey,” she heard Bucky murmur, and she turned, seeing him standing there with his hair rumpled, marks on his face from his pillow. He rubbed his eyes. “How’re you feelin’?”

She shrugged a shoulder. “I have to get ready.”

“Take a shower, I’ll watch him,” he said, reaching to rub her shoulder.

Xander was busy with a strawberry, eating happily. He seemed unaware of the tense atmosphere and Darcy was glad of it. She didn’t want him absorbing any of the toxicity.

“Hey,” Bucky said again, and she finally looked at him properly, her heart sinking.

He looked hurt. Her lips parted.

“I’m sorry.”

“S’okay,” he said, and he went to stroke her face.

He looked torn, and Darcy didn’t want to focus on the pain he was feeling on her behalf. She wasn’t used to it, someone else wanting to shoulder something for her. The kindness made her stomach twist and she thought if he was anyone else, she’d push him away. She remembered being at her worst with her post-partum depression two years ago, never seeing anyone. It was how she stopped seeing Carol for so long.

“Can you…” she began, and she cleared her throat, her voice rough. “Can you come with me?”

“Yeah,” he said, and he took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead. “I was plannin’ on comin’ anyway. I can drive. I think I got better sleep than you.”

“I didn’t. Sleep, I mean,” she mumbled. “I don’t think I slept at all.”

“After the meeting, we’ll come back and you can rest,” he said, and she nodded, biting her quivering lip.

She felt guilty. He was going beyond what was expected of him, and she tried not to diminish it. She didn’t want him to be taken for granted for even a second.

“Okay, I’ll go get my bag and come back.”

As they left the house, Brent had come downstairs, bringing Darcy into a hug. She couldn’t meet his eye as he looked at her, squeezing her shoulder.

“I think a band meeting when we get back would a great idea,” he said, and he glanced at Bucky, expectant.

“Yeah,” Bucky replied, but he didn’t smile. He was on the defensive, which Brent didn’t seem to appreciate, narrowing his eyes.

“Okay,” he drawled. “I don’t need the attitude from you, either. Carol’s been a real peach the last couple of days.”

Bucky’s face fell and he nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to it,” Brent replied. He crossed his arms, looking at Xander. “You better behave for your mama, little one.”

Xander giggled, still oblivious to the tension, and Darcy hugged him closer, ducking out the door. They piled into the car and Darcy kept glancing at Xander in his car seat every couple of minutes. She didn’t speak the entire trip into the city. Bucky had the radio on such a high volume she could only make out some of the bass.

It was a nightmare getting to May’s office on-time, even leaving early like they did. By the time they got there, it was a couple minutes after nine, and Darcy couldn’t keep still.

The second Bucky parked the car, she jumped out, grabbing Xander from the backseat. She stalked off to the elevators without looking back to check on Bucky. He ducked into the elevator a few seconds after her when the doors began to shut.

It occurred to Darcy then that it was going to be like this every time she needed to get to May’s office if she was coming from out of the city. She’d be stuffing Xander into her car, driving it through the horrific traffic, parking it downstairs and taking a few dozen levels up in the tiny elevator. It all sounded unbearable, the visits stretched out in a long line. She bit her lip hard, hugging Xander tighter.

May was standing by her secretary’s desk and she smiled at Darcy, gesturing to the door to her office. She spotted Bucky and her brows lifted.

“May, this is Bucky,” Darcy mumbled, though she barely acknowledged him, feeling her guts twist with shame.

She felt unravelled. She wondered if calling Alice might set her back further, deeper into the recesses of her mind.

“Do you want me to stay, or -?” he asked her, glancing at the leather chaise longue in the waiting area. Darcy lifted her eyes to meet his, frowning.

“Up to you.”

There was an awkward pause and Bucky dropped his hand to his side, looking away. He said to May:

“Darcy probably doesn’t need me in there.”

Darcy walked past May before anything else could be said. She didn’t want to pretend anymore, that she wasn’t this screwed up person. Phil knew it. Her mother Denise knew it. Carol already knew it, too, and her frostiness reflected that. The rose-tinted glasses Bucky had on since he first saw Darcy when she was fifteen… they had to go.

She heard May shut the door as she settled in her chair, Xander on her lap. She smoothed the hair from his face, watching him play with Mickey as May walked over to sit in her chair.

“Good trip?”

“What’s the likelihood of my mother and Phil winning custody of Xander?” Darcy asked, ignoring May’s attempt for light conversation.

She attributed her lack of patience to her lack of sleep.

“Be honest,” she added.

She watched May take a second, folding her hands together in her lap as she crossed her ankles. Her eyes fell to Xander in Darcy’s lap. He was talking to himself, filling the silence.

“With you in Carol’s house?” May said, and Darcy nodded. “Pretty high. Also the company that you and Carol keep… won’t play well. People tend to profile?”

Darcy nodded again. “Because she’s gay?”

“No,” May said, shaking her head adamantly. “I meant the ex-girlfriends ranting on Twitter. The runaways that stay with her rent-free. Any friends with tattoos or piercing that people can see –”

“But that’s ridiculous,” Darcy snapped, thinking of Brent and his neck tattoo.

“I know,” May said. “But that’s me being honest. It’s not right, but a judge might frown at that environment for a toddler.”

“Where am I supposed to go, then? A hotel? I’m assuming a hotel looks bad, too,” Darcy said, and May nodded. “So, an apartment? Where? With what money?”

“First thing we’re going to do, we’re organizing your mother’s privileges be recanted,” May said, and she got up from her chair to wander over to her desk, taking out a pad of paper and a Mont Blanc pen. May caught her staring at the pen and laughed, rolling her eyes.

“The most expensive thing I own, and I hate it,” she muttered, starting to write. “It was a gift.”

Darcy Googled her net worth a few times over the years. She supposed people wondered how she was doing if Carol was still working. She knew she could afford May’s services pretty easily. She knew Phil might have a dent made in his personal savings, but she wasn’t going to fight him on anything to do with money, she hoped.

She took out the papers from her bag and handed them to May, who began to leaf through them, a frown forming on her face.

“What do you think?” Darcy asked, and May wrote something on her notepad.

“Justin Hammer is an asshole,” she muttered. “So whatever is in these papers, he’ll want more.”

“Then why bother sending me these papers when Phil will want more?”

“It might not be Phil, it might be Hammer and your mother operating this,” May said, and she flipped through a few pages, shaking her head. “Yep. Classic Hammer.”

She met Darcy’s eye.

“This will all be temporary.”

“You’re not making me feel any better,” Darcy mumbled.

Over the next thirty minutes, May made notes, asked Darcy about some of the demands laid out, and then leaned back in her chair with her hands folded once more, assessing Darcy’s expression.

Xander was playing on the floor by then and Darcy kept picking at a cuticle on her thumb until it bled. She sucked it, dreading whatever May was about to say.

“You need to leave that house immediately,” she said, and Darcy nodded. “I can ask some contacts of my own about accommodation –”

“But I need a permanent residence,” Darcy cut in, and May nodded.

Darcy left the office with her head swimming, and she was reminded of the times when she’d go to the Hubble offices with her mother for meetings when she was a teenager. It gave her the same overwhelming feeling of being lost, and she couldn’t manage to bring herself to the present, staring into space as the receptionist tried prompting her.

Bucky got up from his seat and came over, touching Darcy’s arm to bring her back, and she blinked up at him, confused.

“Next appointment?” she asked the secretary, who was patiently waiting, smiling up at her.

“That may depend on the other parties involved, but I have you booked in a couple days from now, same time.”

“Right, thank you,” Darcy muttered.

Darcy took the car keys back from Bucky and she drove them back to Carol’s. Bucky was either busy looking at her to check how she was doing or turning around in his seat to chat with Xander. Darcy kept thinking about how May said that they didn’t want this to go to court. If they could settle this, it would be better for everyone involved. Way less messy, way less painful.

The dread never let up, and when they arrived at Carol’s, she wondered how she was meant to salvage their friendship when all she cared about was Xander being with her. Everything else seemed so trivial by comparison.

She found Brent in the kitchen, making a smoothie. She made herself another coffee and thought about what to do with the rest of her day, now that the most pressing part was over. She thought of Alice and May, both of them wanting her to leave. She could just do that – leave and not come back – but she thought Carol should at least be spoken to.

Brent lifted his brows at her and she nodded.

“Let’s go find Carol,” he murmured, and she picked up Xander again, walking out of the kitchen with Bucky in tow.

The house was already buzzing with music and activity. Darcy knew that if she was Carol, an extrovert with an insatiable appetite for human companionship, she’d thrive in this house. She’d never feel alone. To Darcy, everything about the place was anxiety-inducing. They walked past Bucky’s poky little room and she remembered not too long ago feeling like everything was a dream. Now she couldn’t stand the idea of making love when everything was falling apart.

They stopped at the doors with golden handles and Brent lifted his hand to knock a couple times.

“Carol? Darcy’s here. She wants to talk.”

There was no answer and Darcy felt her stomach twist. Brent wasn’t deterred. He looked at Bucky behind Darcy.

“Let’s go. Leave them to it. See you, Miss Thing.”

Darcy was left with Xander, staring at the doorknob. She willed herself to lift her hand to turn it, taking in a few deep breaths. She opened the door, moving inside and closing it behind her.

Carol’s room was huge. It was easily the largest bedroom in the house. It had a small walkway with dozens of shoes sitting in a row on the floor. There was a dish where Carol’s keys sat on a little table. There was an empty Gucci bag on the ground beside her rainbow fanny pack.

The room smelt of Carol, too, vaguely sweet with a hint of gardenia from the candles that dotted around the room. The bed was a massive four-poster, and Carol lay in the centre of the pillows, eating some strawberries from a bowl, her nose in her phone.

She looked up and she paused her chewing, her face going slack for several seconds out of surprise. Darcy felt like an intruder.

“Hey,” she said, and Carol blinked.

“Hey.”

She hitched Xander further up as he’d begun to slip on her hip. She moved closer to the bed, unsure of whether to stand or sit on the edge of the mattress. She chose the former.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Sure. Fire away,” Carol said, and she put aside her strawberries, stretching her arms above her head.

Darcy knew her better. The fact that the blonde was acting so pleasantly without warmth meant she was keeping her distance. She was angry with her still, unable to look past Darcy’s usual insecurities.

“I have to leave,” she said. “I saw May Parker this morning –”

“Yeah, Brent said,” Carol muttered, her eyes elsewhere.

“I have to go somewhere else. It’s not ideal for Xander to live here, not with…”

Carol looked like she was trying to not roll her eyes. Darcy didn’t finish her sentence, she let it fall away with a sigh.

“I’ll go tomorrow. I just wanted you to know, instead of me running away like I tried to the other day,” she mumbled.

Carol crossed her arms.

“Thank you,” Darcy went on. “For everything. I needed you, and you were there. But I can’t stay.”

“Just say what you mean, Darce,” Carol muttered, and Darcy felt her stomach drop. “I don’t look good to a divorce court. I’m loud, obnoxious –”

“It’s not you, it’s this house,” Darcy said, unable to stop herself. “If it was just you and Brent, maybe it would be okay, but not with all these kids…”

She looked down at Xander, who was busy staring at a shirt covered in sequins that Carol must have thrown on the floor at some point. Darcy put him down, watching him crawl toward the shirt and grab it.

“I can’t do a reunion tour, either,” she said. “I can’t leave the state while any of this is happening, just because Phil could try to accuse me of kidnapping.”

“He wouldn’t, though,” Carol said, and Darcy shrugged. “He would do that?”

“He and my mom are trying to get Xander from me. Sole custody,” Darcy bit out, feeling her eyes sting.

“What the fuck?” Carol spat, and Darcy looked away from her. “_No_. That’s so fucked up.”

“I can’t stay here, so I’ll go tomorrow,” Darcy said, sniffling. “If you know anyone who’s got properties locally, I’d really appreciate if you passed on their information.”

“Why are you acting like this?” Carol said, and she threw back her blanket to get out of bed, incensed. “Why aren’t you angry?”

“I am fucking _fuming_, okay?” Darcy threw back, opening her arms wide. “But what good does that do, Carol? If I’m overly emotional, a judge would think I was unstable and I’d lose Xander. I have to try to control myself.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Carol snapped. “Just because I’m not quiet and sad like you doesn’t mean I’m unstable.”

“I didn’t say that!” Darcy yelled.

She heard Xander whimper and she looked down at him, seeing he’d been startled by their raised voices. She stooped to pick him up, to hug him.

“Why do you act like this was my choice?” Carol said, her voice wobbling.

To Darcy’s horror, she could see her friend’s eyes and gone glassy, her brows furrowed.

“What do you mean?” Darcy said, hugging Xander tighter, stroking his hair.

“I didn’t see you for two years. Two years,” Carol said, holding up her middle and forefinger. “I thought you hated me.”

Darcy looked away. “It was Phil.”

“That’s a lie,” Carol snapped. “It didn’t stop you from hanging out with me now, being married. You couldn’t even tell me how bad things got with him, and we both know I hate Phil. You didn’t want me to know you anymore, Darce.”

“Yeah, well,” Darcy mumbled, feeling tears spill over. “I never was the fun one. I didn’t want to be in a group with you. If you were my mom’s daughter, she’d be happy.”

“So that’s it, then?” Carol said, and Darcy refused to look at her, sure that she was properly crying now. “You move out after saying how much you hated knowing me? You regret everything?”

“Yes,” Darcy lied.

Carol let out an exasperated sound and Darcy kissed Xander’s hair, squeezing her eyes shut.

“Why don’t you just say the rest of it, too?” Carol muttered, and Darcy opened her eyes to see her wandering around, picking up a silk robe from the floor to wrap around her skinny frame.

Carol raked her fingers through her hair that was sticking up, giving a ragged sigh.

“I know someone who can help,” she mumbled. “Maria. She owns a couple houses.”

“You’re still in contact with Maria?” Darcy asked, and Carol nodded.

She sniffled. “You can stop pretending like you ever approved of me. Sometimes I think you took our breakup way worse than I ever did.”

Maria was the dancer Carol fell for when they were on tour as teenagers. She was the same Maria who was caught with Carol after Denise outed them. Darcy had adored Maria. She seemed so grounded and loving.

“Approved?” Darcy repeated.

“I knew you always hated that I was gay,” Carol muttered. “You wanted Maria to make me like you, domesticated.”

Darcy’s mouth fell open.

“Don’t say that!” she yelled, covering Xander’s ear, his other one pressed into her chest. “Don’t you ever say that! That is a fucking lie, and you know it! I’d never, ever want you to be anything other than yourself. That is the worst thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Carol’s mouth was set in a line and she stared Darcy down.

“I was there for you, all the way. How can you say that?” Darcy went on. She felt more tears fall. “You were a sister to me, and I love you. How can you fucking say that?”

She turned to leave, sobbing as she went. She ducked out into the hallway, seeing Brent and Bucky standing there. Brent’s face fell.

“What’d she say?” he asked, and Darcy shook her head. He moved past her to the bedroom. “Carol!”

Bucky went to touch her but Darcy moved past him, walking fast toward the staircase, racing down. She cried all the way to the pool house, shutting the door behind her. Bucky lingered outside, and she could see the shape of him behind the blinds.

“Baby?”

“Don’t,” she called back, settling on the bed. “I want to be alone.”

-

When Darcy remerged after being on the phone to her accountant, the bank and Alice, Bucky wasn’t waiting for her outside the pool house. She saw no sign of him as she went to the kitchen to make Xander his lunch. She pushed away the shame, at least until Xander was napping and she was alone with her thoughts again.

Would she rewind the last several weeks, to get it right? Would she still live with Phil, just to avoid all these feelings?

No. She wasn’t going to trap herself in that marriage anymore. She’d rather jump off the balcony of that apartment.

She passed a hand over her face. She could hear the steady thrumming bass of the speakers coming from the house. She looked at Xander, seeing he was fast asleep, unaffected. She moved off the bed to slip outside.

She moved through the house like a ghost, going to the bar in the corner of the living room. There was a group of teenagers sitting in front of the TV, playing on the Playstation, none of them acknowledging them as she lifted the vodka bottle from the collection. She found a glass and filled it to the top.

She saw the girl with the parrot on her shoulder sitting with some other strangers Darcy never got to know, and she met her gaze, a little smirk on the girl’s face.

She thought about being the parrot girl instead of Darcy Lewis, how freeing that would be. She seemed way mellower than Darcy could ever be.

Darcy began to drink the straight vodka, her skin beginning to tingle within minutes. Her limbs felt looser, her tongue heavy.

She slipped in beside the parrot girl on one of the couches, only half listening to the conversation. It was something about Dadaism. Darcy stared at the little silent bird on the girl’s shoulder, drinking her vodka in little sips.

She went to the bar again to find more vodka, knocking into the little table. She felt hands on her arms and turned around, seeing Bucky staring down at her.

“Hey,” she said, smiling at him. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.

He pulled away, licking his lips.

“You had anything to eat today?” he asked, and Darcy shrugged. “I’ll make you somethin’.”

“Take me upstairs,” she whispered, and he sighed a little, obliging.

She leaned on him most of the way up the stairs, and once they were alone in his room, she knew she was barely able to stand. She’d lost time, their journey far too short for how big the house was.

She pushed him into his closed door and kissed him, her hands going to the waistband of his sweatpants.

“You drive me crazy,” she mumbled, her voice slurring. “You’re so fucking hot…”

“Maybe we should –”

Her hand wrapped around his shaft and she cut him off with another kiss, her tongue pressing into his mouth. He didn’t return the passion, only rose a hand to cup her cheek, to pull away from her mouth.

“Darcy –”

Darcy lowered herself so she was on her knees, pressing his hips into the door as she took him in her mouth, sucking and swirling her tongue around.

Bucky’s fingers dug into her shoulders and she pulled back, squinting up at him.

“Darcy,” he said again, clearer than before. “Stop.”

“You turning down a blow job right now?” she mumbled, moving to wrap her lips around him, and she could feel how hot and hard he was in her mouth already and she moaned, wanting more.

“Stop,” he said again, and he managed to pull out of her, grabbing her by the arms to pull her to her unsteady feet. “Please, stop.”

“You want me,” she replied, moving to kiss him, seeing his face was pinched. “You’ve wanted me since I was fifteen…”

“Not like this,” he replied. “Never like this.”

“Come on,” she whispered, grabbing his cock again and rubbing him, and he grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Nothing gentle. Fuck me.”

“No,” he said, and Darcy felt it, the turn of her mood.

She brought out the worst in people, always. Phil, her mother, Carol. Even Xander. She thought of Xander now, sleeping on the bed in the pool house. He was without a home, and it was all her fault.

She let go of Bucky’s cock like she was burned and put her face in her hands.

“Jesus Christ,” she hissed. “I’m so sorry.”

She began to cry and Bucky tucked himself back in his pants, pulling her into a hug, kissing her face.

“It’s okay. Just a little too much to drink,” he whispered, but Darcy kept going, shaking her head.

“No. I’m so, so sorry,” she wailed.

She lost time, waking up on his mattress, a wave of nausea overcoming her. She threw up on the floor, unable to keep it in, the vomit escaping between her fingers as she gagged. It was humiliating and shameful, knowing her son was elsewhere while she got wasted.

She woke later, her head pounding. She was wearing different clothes, lying on her back in the pool house, Xander beside her.

No sign of Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	15. Part Fifteen: Maybe This Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I've been wanting to return to the universe and I hope you're happy it's back, too. 
> 
> **cw:** some references to child abuse; I will be updating the tags.

**Part Fifteen: Maybe This Time**

_She was the real Wicked Witch of the West._ \- Judy Garland on her sadistic stage mother

-

_People just ain't no good..._ \- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

-

Darcy’s head was throbbing as she managed to sit up, squinting around for her phone. She could smell the vomit and sweat on her, could feel her mouth was dry. She managed to make sense of her surroundings when the first wave of nausea hit her. Or perhaps it was what brought her out of her sleep. She could recall being ripped away from the dark by a twisting, rippling feeling.

She retched, her chin jutting of its own accord, and she stumbled out of bed, crawling as fast as her body could carry her, using her body to shove open the bathroom door.

She vomited into the bowl, seeing spots, her ears ringing. She felt no better the more it happened, three separate rounds of her body acting on horrifying instinct, her nose and throat burning with the acid, her eyes streaming. She felt her bowels clench in turn, and it dawned on her that there was a wave of diarrhea about to hit her, too.

With shaking limbs she managed to flush and immediately sit down, hunching over, hugging herself. The smell itself was enough to make her nauseous again, and she pinched her nose, waiting for some kind of relief.

She was covered in fresh sweat, her senses amplified. She could hear people jumping into the pool and splashing around. She remembered the time she saw on her phone’s display – after eleven AM. Carol’s place seemed to be in full swing, and Darcy tried to remember something from last night.

The images were blurred and humiliating, the attempted blowjob the part she hated most. The memory of his tenderness distressed her most of all, his patience with her despite all her worst behavior rolled into one.

She stayed on the toilet until she felt like there was a safe window, and she got off, flushing with closed eyes, her nose still pinched. She looked around, trying to find something to clean the bowl with, finding a bottle of bleach at the back corner next to the toilet brush. She set to work, her head aching so much she could feel it down to her teeth, her eyelids heavy.

She threw up again, but thankfully she wasn’t in desperate need to relieve herself once more. She rested with her head against the tiled floor, panting.

There was a knock that had her jump, her eyes wide. The movement made everything ache.

“Darcy?”

Bucky’s voice was concerned, but not alarmed. She wondered how many times he’d come to check on her when she was passed out. She remembered throwing up in his room and passed a hand over her face.

“Don’t come in,” she groaned.

“I can’t, you locked the door,” he replied, a hint of humor to his tone. He didn’t seem mad or disappointed. “You okay?”

“Define… ‘okay’,” she mumbled under her breath. She swallowed. “I might be here a while.”

His voice dropped. “You sorta stuck in there?”

Darcy felt her face flush, squeezing her eyes shut. “Uh, yeah…”

“I’m going out, can I take Xander with me?”

She sat up slowly, her eyes still closed, leaning an elbow on the edge of the toilet bowl.

“Okay. His diaper bag is there. How long…?”

“A couple hours maybe. I’ll send lotsa updates.”

“Okay,” she said again, managing to get the word out in between a couple dry retches.

There was a silence and she wished she could see his face. She didn’t want him to see hers right now. She was certain she was some shade of green, her face shiny with oil and sweat. Then she heard him moving around, chatting with Xander, then his returning footsteps.

“I’m goin’ now, okay, baby?”

The pet name made her chin quiver and she sucked in a breath, her eyes misting. She took a second to compose herself, rubbing her eyes with her hand roughly.

“Yeah,” she called. “Bye.”

She stared at the door, hearing nothing for several seconds before Bucky’s feet shifted, retreating from her.

She stayed in the bathroom for another ten minutes just to be on the safe side, hearing the music from the living room carrying out into the garden. She pushed up from the floor.

She decided to shower, scrubbing at herself, not picking up a razor. The automatic movements of her lathering her body under the water was enough, she didn’t need to really take care of anything as pressing as prickly legs. She knew standing for too long was a bad idea, especially when she vomited again, mostly bile, down the drain.

She got out, pulled on clean clothes and thought about coffee. She only needed to shuffle into the kitchen and come back. She could steal the French press for a couple hours with a tray and maybe some cookies or a banana. Anything more sounded nauseating to her, and she wasn’t sure if she’d keep much down anyway.

She hadn’t been this wasted in years, not since before she was ever pregnant with Xander. Perhaps before she was even married ten years ago.

She finally got to the door, pulling it open. The sun was too bright. There was a humid blanket over everything that made Darcy’s armpits immediately sweaty once more, her hair probably frizzing already. She could see strangers by the pool, along with some familiar faces wandering around.

She moved her eyes over to the door to the house and saw Carol standing there, frozen in place, a cup of coffee in her hand, the cup steaming as she stared back at Darcy.

Darcy’s eyes dropped to her feet and she leaned against the door to the pool house, watching as Carol walked up, wearing next to nothing, the tiny gym shorts and matching black sports bra showing off all her lean muscle, her skin dotted with so many tattoos.

Carol reached her, handing her the coffee.

“You could use this,” she said.

It occurred to Darcy that her friend might be enjoying this, having so rarely seen her this way. It tended to be Carol that was recovering the next morning, wailing and delirious. Darcy lost count how many times over the years that she’d seen her best friend with her head in a toilet bowl.

“Thanks,” Darcy mumbled, unable to fight anymore.

Carol put an arm around her, pulling her out of the sun and into the house, the silence between them easy enough. Darcy couldn’t sense any animosity anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and Carol let out a little chuckle.

“Don’t start this again,” she said, moving to kiss Darcy’s cheek. “You already pitched your apology last night. Repeatedly.”

“I don’t remember –”

“Of course you don’t,” Carol said, and they weaved through the kitchen and into the hallway, taking the stairs. “So you probably don’t remember us making up.”

“No,” Darcy murmured. “I just remember… _Bucky_, and then –”

“We took you downstairs,” Carol explained. “Buck thought maybe it was alcohol poisoning, since my entire Belvedere was gone. Twenty-something drinks, those have. Kind of impressive you’re not dead.”

“Yet,” Darcy muttered, and they both chuckled. It sort of hurt to laugh.

“He stayed with you all night,” Carol said. “While I scrubbed the carpet upstairs…”

“I’m so sorry –”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, cutting Darcy off. “I forgive you.”

They walked down to the studio, and when Darcy felt the first of the blessed relief of the air-conditioned room, she sighed, breathing deeper. She took a sip of her coffee as they separated, Carol moving to turn on machines and lights, taking a seat in front of the controls as Darcy hovered.

“Sit down.”

“I’m…” Darcy began, and she shook her head. “I’m not just sad about getting drunk and throwing up everywhere.”

Carol’s face changed, softening a little. She gestured to the chair beside her and Darcy sank into it, feeling her eyes prickle with tears.

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” she said, and Carol frowned.

“What about?”

“I never…”

It was hard to find the words. Perhaps she was still drunk, or maybe it was the literal purging she’d done, but she wished to confess so much to Carol, and she didn’t know where to begin.

“I love you so much!” she said, and she began to sob, Carol’s hand reaching for hers, their fingers threading together.

Carol squeezed her hand.

“I love you, too, Dee,” she replied, her voice wobbling. “I was so mean to you yesterday. I was an asshole. A fucking… _diva_ –”

Darcy shook her head. “No, I mean, I’m sorry I lied because I needed you and I didn’t tell you I needed you. I let you think I hated everything we did together but I loved it. I loved every second with you, even though I hated the music.”

Carol squeezed her hand more, and Darcy felt the tears begin to fall.

“You were my first friend. My only friend. And it was like I could make it, you know? With you.”

“Then I had to fuck it up,” Carol said, sniffling.

It was the harshest Darcy had ever heard her be on herself. Carol only ever spoke of GRLPWR breaking up within the context of her parents disowning her. Darcy shook her head, but Carol was adamant.

“What, the Adderall didn’t help!” she said, and Darcy sucked in a breath, seeing how upset Carol really was. “I could feel my fucking face for months after that. I didn’t ever say no…”

“Carol, you can’t blame yourself,” Darcy whispered, unable to help herself.

“I still did it,” Carol said, her voice thick with tears. She wiped a few away fiercely. “You should finish your coffee…”

Darcy nodded, picking up her up again to drink, feeling weak all over. The break in conversation had her thinking over what she meant to say. She put her empty cup down, her eyes swinging back to Carol’s.

“I’m sick.”

“Sometimes I like the ritual of it,” Carol mumbled with a faint smile. “Putting yourself back together after a night, the self-care you have to do to keep going…”

“No, I don’t mean last night,” Darcy said, her voice wobbling. “Carol, I’m really sick. In the head.”

Her friend frowned, leaning forward in her chair, and Darcy swallowed hard.

“When I had Xander, you didn’t hear from me for two years because I didn’t want anyone helping me. I needed you but I lied… through omission. I got post-natal depression.”

Something passed over Carol’s face, so many things at once, her features pinching.

“Dee…”

“I’ve got anxiety, too. Like, so bad sometimes that I don’t leave rooms without Xander for days and days. I’ve pissed in bottles before… with the bathroom just down the hallway.”

Her cheeks burned and she shook her head, hating every word she was saying. It was all so sad.

“I can feel myself slipping more, since this thing with Phil and my mom…”

Carol huffed. “Denise fucking Lewis…”

“I keep thinking about what would happen if she got her hands on Xander, what that would look like,” Darcy whispered, feeling the corners of her mouth quirking, a sick joke in her head. “Like, only I would truly know what that was like for Xander, because she’s my mom, I had to be raised by… by her…”

Carol’s face had turned to stone, her jaw clenched.

“When I was little, like, really little, I remember Mom would tell me there was only so much talent I could use to get away with my poor work ethic,” Darcy went on. “I mean, she was probably right. For a thirty-five year-old on their last leg, but… I was five when she started pinching me, pushing me…”

Darcy rolled her eyes.

“That’s not so bad. The pins are what keep me scared shitless,” she whispered. “She used to hide a pin behind her sunglasses or the show pamphlets during the pageant, jabbing me in my side or my arm, or my back…”

She could hear Carol processing this, her breath hitching.

“I keep thinking about how Phil will pass Xander over to her whenever he gets a chance, because he’s so lazy and she’ll be more than happy to help…”

Darcy passed a hand over her face, sniffling.

“I keep thinking about the pins, and the threats,” she mumbled. “And how Xander never asked to be born…”

Carol pulled her into a hug that Darcy didn’t return with as much strength, simply because she felt so out of it, barely able to reciprocate the physical act of holding another person. She thought about going back to the pool house and lying down, but she could see that Carol was nowhere near done talking.

When she pulled back, she kept her hands on Darcy’s shoulders, a deep crease on her brow. Before she met Carol, Darcy had never known someone to be so openly affectionate in a physical sense.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered, and Darcy sniffled again, shrugging.

“I don’t… I don’t really know,” she rasped.

“Was it happening during GRLPWR?”

Darcy wouldn’t meet her eye, looking at the dials in front of them instead. Carol shook her a little and Darcy’s snapped back to hers.

“She _was_ doing this during GRLPWR?” Carol hissed, and Darcy blinked, beginning to nod. Carol took a deep breath. “_Why_ didn’t you tell me?”

“What good would that have done? She would have just been madder. I wanted to tell you, so many times…”

Darcy pulled away, crossing her arms.

“She used to take everything away when I disobeyed her. And when it was during the pageants, a lot of parents turned the other way. She’d pinch me so hard –”

“I would have done something,” Carol cut in, jabbing her chest with a finger.

“You were a kid.”

“So were you!” Carol retorted. “What is… wrong with her?”

“I don’t know,” Darcy said, her voice wobbling. “I’m so scared of her. All the time. And now she’s going to get hold of Xander because she wants to get back at me…”

“You have to tell May,” Carol said. “Come _on_, Darcy, you have to.”

“It’s not… it’s not that bad,” Darcy said, wincing a little. She hated how she sounded and there was a new wave of nausea, her head aching.

“So you’re scared for Xander but you won’t tell on her,” Carol said, and Darcy closed her eyes, nodding. “That doesn’t make any sense. Wait.”

Darcy met her eye again, realization dawning on Carol’s face.

“The tattoo… on your ankle,” she said, and Darcy bit her lip. “When she found out, what really happened?”

Darcy looked away. “I don’t remember.”

It was a blatant lie. She remembered that incident so well, it was burned into her mind forever. After that night, she never saw her mother the same way again.

It was her hangover that made her more honest. Or maybe it was knowing that she got so out of control last night, and despite all that, she still had Carol there. Bucky was away then, but he was with Xander, a sure sign that he wasn’t disappointed in her. Either way, she relented, shaking her head.

“She made me send her money for a house,” she said, sighing a little. She sniffed, but she didn’t feel like crying as hard. The more she spoke, the better she seemed to feel. “She said, ‘if you fuck this up, I want insurance’. Not that you let me tell Hubble anyway.”

“No,” Carol murmured. “I didn’t need a Spartacus thing. They’d have fired us both, but if it was just me in trouble, they’d let me stay.”

They both rolled their eyes. Hubble’s hypocrisy was staggering. Neither of them could express themselves in any way that didn’t adhere to Hubble’s bizarre protocol, yet they were told they had to pretend to have a personal life, to have their own personalities for fans to latch onto.

“Speaking of Hubble,” Carol murmured, her lips quirking. “Bucky tell you where he went with Xander?”

“No,” Darcy said. “Why, is it bad?”

“He’s with Maria,” she said, her smile widening. “She said you can stay at a house she flipped last year. She hasn’t put it on the market yet. I showed you pictures last night, but….”

“I wasn’t exactly conscious,” Darcy said, and Carol snorted.

“Yeah. You weren’t, in hindsight. But at the time you said it would be great, as long as Maria let you rent.”

“Will she?”

“I think it’s pretty guaranteed,” she said, and Darcy felt herself smile, relieved. “They’ll be heading back once they go pick up some supplies…”

There was a knock and the door to the studio opened, revealing Brent.

“Hi, Miss Thing,” he said to Darcy, a hand going to his hip. “I see you’re upright.”

“Barely,” Darcy said.

“I was going to bring you something to rehydrate,” he added. He looked at Carol. “Why are you in here, anyway?”

“Privacy,” Carol murmured. “I feel like recording something, too.”

“The itch?” Darcy asked, and the blonde smirked.

“Yeah…”

Brent left them, returning a few minutes later with some kind of smoothie he made with watermelon and mint, and Darcy drank it down fast, her insides cooling, while Carol began to play with the equipment, showing Darcy random tracks over the last several months.

“Some of these are terrible,” she murmured. “Others I know are missing something. I thought you could look at some of them.”

Carol did a lot of pop and synth-pop, some hip-hop inspired stuff as well, but she was not the same style as Darcy’s brief solo career had been.

“You feel like singing?” Carol asked, and Darcy thought for a few seconds, considering how unwell she still felt.

She wasn’t out of the woods yet but rose from her seat, moving to the door to the recording booth, picking up the headphones as the door shut behind her. Carol began talking to her through the intercom.

“We could jam.”

“No,” Darcy murmured. “I wanna sing, but… nothing of mine. Or yours.”

Carol didn’t seem to mind. “You want some Joni Mitchell?”

“No,” Darcy replied again, but she smiled softly, her best friend knowing her well. “Something… I dunno, something I haven’t sung before.”

She rolled her shoulders, shifting on the stool.

“Something big.”

“Judy Garland?” Carol said, and they both chuckled.

Darcy remembered singing _Get Happy_ with Carol, though she was the weaker dancer, both of them wearing fedoras and blazers they snatched from the wardrobe truck. They’d fall about laughing, and then their manager would come and find them with Darcy’s mother Denise and they couldn’t snap out of it. All Carol had to do was jazz hands to make Darcy dissolve into giggles.

“Liza,” she said, snapping her fingers.

Carol gave her a thumbs up. They put up a backing track, patching it through the speakers after Carol downloaded an instrumental. While listening to the track all the way through, Darcy read the lyrics on Carol’s phone to refresh her memory.

“You said you don’t have the range for a full Amy cover show,” Carol said, chuckling. “Kind of find that hard to believe, Dee.”

Darcy shrugged. “I’m not singing Ariana today, either.”

“Today, you said,” Carol said, pointing at her through the glass. “But we’ll get you singing her eventually.”

Darcy drank the last dregs of her watermelon smoothie and motioned for Carol to start the track again, settling back into her seat.

The familiar clarinet came through and she began to breathe deeply, moving closer to the mic. She’d sung like this before, hungover and sweating, her hands shaking so she balled them into fists on her knees.

_Maybe this time, I'll be lucky_

_Maybe this time, He'll stay_

Darcy remembered hearing this song for the first time with Carol. Her new friend had an infinite knowledge of musicals, and _Cabaret_ was her favourite, along with _Chicago_. She’d heard Carol sing every _Cabaret_ song a million times over, but Darcy knew now it was different.

She felt a churning in her guts but she pressed on, closing her eyes to concentrate.

_Maybe this time_

_For the first time_

_Love won't hurry away_

_He will hold me fast_

_I'll be home at last_

_Not a loser anymore_

_Like the last time_

_And the time before_

As she began to climb, the weaker she felt, finally pulling back at the last second and ducking down to vomit into the waste paper basket, while Carol cut the music, her voice cutting through on the intercom.

“Dee, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Darcy rasped, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She spat for good measure, clearing her throat. “Keep going. Seriously, keep going. I can do it.”

“You’re a fucking rock star!” came Carol’s reply, and Darcy rose a shaky hand to give a thumbs-up, moving back to the chair. “I love you!”

“I love you, too,” Darcy replied, wincing a little, her eyes streaming.

Within the same minute of throwing up, she managed to keep a healthy placement, reaching the crescendo. She knew she’d pay for it, but she wanted it. She wanted to belt it out, like her voice could shatter glass if she let it.

_Something's bound to begin,_

_It's got to happen, HAPPEN SOMETIME_

_MAYBE THIS TIME!_

_MAYBE THIS TIME, I’LL WIN!_

She’d raised her arms up sometime before the end, like she was singing to the Heavens, and she dropped them to her sides, panting as the music cut.

-

Darcy cleaned up her sick, and ended up scrubbing dishes in the kitchen after she scrubbed the waste basket, despite Carol’s protests.

“I want to!”

“Alright,” Carol replied, and promptly grabbed something to start drying things.

Brent was watching them the entire time, a mug of tea pressed to his lips. Every so often he’d chuckle at them and Carol would flick dish water at him, making him yelp.

“Hey! You _bought_ this Gucci shirt I’m wearing!”

“So then I can do whatever I want with it!” Carol retorted, flicking him with the towel, and he jumped back, ducking away.

“Alright, I’m going to make something fatty and salty for Miss Thing, since apparently she’s the help now… does she go by an hourly rate, or is it like a contract?”

Darcy shook her head, focusing on washing the plates and stacking them for Carol to dry. She was feeling immensely better already, but she was finally hungry, her head less foggy than when she woke earlier.

She was pulled away from the sink by the elbow, Brent directing her to sit down at the bench, placing a plate in front of her with a drink beside it, a stalk of celery sticking out of the glass.

“What’s -?”

“Bloody Mary,” Carol and Brent said together.

Brent pointed to the plate. “Protein and fat with the eggs and bacon, whole wheat toast, ketchup…”

“Where’s mine?” Carol asked.

“Make your own.”

Brent was being especially protective of Darcy that day, watching her eat with his elbow propped up on the bench.

“Why are you staring at me?” Darcy mumbled, and Brent patted her hand, sighing.

“Beautiful soul, beautiful lady,” he murmured.

-

It was another hour that Darcy spent in the pool house stripping the bed and packing up some toiletries she’d used that morning. Otherwise, her things were still in bags, along with the majority of Xander’s stuff.

She was perched on the end of the bed when Brent tapped on the door, his brows lifting.

“They’re back, Miss Thing,” he said, and she nodded, rising from the mattress.

She looked back, seeing the pool house for what it was once more, simply temporary. She’d grown to like it. She turned back to Brent, moving toward him with her arms raised.

He hugged her tight and Darcy kissed his face.

“Thank you,” she murmured. “For everything. You’re an angel.”

“You got any brothers?” he whispered, and Darcy laughed, shaking her head. “Damn.”

He offered her his arm and they walked out together, slipping back into the house. She crouched when she saw Xander, who promptly squealed and ran toward her.

“Mama!”

She scooped him up, kissing his face over and over, and she could see her was happy to see her, and perfectly safe. She was only in the doorway of the kitchen, Bucky coming into view.

“Hi! You came back,” she said, and he burst into a smile.

“Of course I came back,” he said, and he pulled her into a hug, Xander’s little hand coming up to pat his cheek.

They stayed the three of them for several seconds, holding each other. Xander began to wriggle, Mickey smacking into the back of Bucky’s head.

“Bubba, we talked about that…”

“Buck!” he yelled, and Bucky laughed, undisturbed. 

She put Xander down and he sat on the floor, mumbling to himself with his toy. She saw a shape of someone peering around the corner.

“Oh, my God!”

“Maria,” Darcy breathed, and she moved toward the woman she hadn’t seen in years, both of them hugging fiercely.

The last time she saw Maria, she was barely an adult, and now she carried herself so differently, but her smile was the same.

“You look exactly the same,” Maria said, in awe. She cupped her cheek. “Jesus, look at you. I thought I saw a ghost when I watched your new song when you posted it…”

“You saw that?”

“Yeah! And then Carol called me. I was so glad she thought of me,” she said, and Darcy wondered what that conversation had been like, Carol asking Maria for help. “I haven’t been to this house in a couple years, I thought I’d help bring everything back to the house.”

Darcy nodded, thinking of the photos Bucky had sent her. It was a renovated colonial, big enough for a large family. It meant Darcy could have visitors, have whole rooms for Xander, whole rooms for herself…

“Thank you so much,” she blurted, feeling a sob bubble up. “You were always so nice to me…”

“Are you kidding?” Maria said, and Darcy shook her head. “Oh, honey. Honey, come here…”

She hugged her again and Darcy clung to her, burying her face in Maria’s shoulder, feeling her hand pat her back.

Maria pulled back and Darcy felt the air change, turning to see Carol in the doorway, smiling at Maria.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Maria echoed, and Darcy moved aside, the other two women walking toward one another.

Darcy watched as they pecked each other on the lips before hugging, Carol’s face full of pure joy. Darcy glanced at Bucky, who blinked at her.

Darcy knew Carol was still friends with a lot of her exes, but she didn’t know how close she and Maria still were. She wasn’t sure if Carol kissed her other exes like that.

“You want a tour?” Carol joked, and Maria began to laugh. “Anyway, we better head over.”

Bucky met her gaze and he nodded.

“Yeah, we’ve got Darcy’s car and Maria’s –”

“I’ll go with Maria,” Carol said. She seemed to cover her enthusiasm by changing the subject. “Dee sung today.”

Darcy felt everyone’s eyes on her, except Xander’s. She was stroking his hair, her smile muted.

“Yeah,” she mumbled. “And then I threw up.”

“But then you got that high note anyway,” Carol said.

They packed the rest of Darcy’s and Xander’s things in the two cars, and Darcy gave Brent another hug before slipping into the passenger’s seat. Bucky was busy programming the GPS when Carol and Maria took off, Brent slipping back into the house.

She watched him preparing to start driving, checking his mirrors. She reached for him and touched his neck, gliding her fingers up to touch his hair, her hand running over his chain along the way.

He looked at her, his lips parting.

“You -?”

She cut him off with a kiss, holding him in place by the hair, his hand falling to her shoulder, squeezing her as she moved back with a smack of their lips.

“I was gonna ask if you’re okay,” he murmured, his eyes on her mouth.

“More than okay,” she replied.

-

As they arrived at the house, Maria and Carol were already standing out the front, waving to them. They always looked like they belonged together. Darcy knew if she pressed Carol on it, she’d probably deflect whatever questions she had about her and Maria breaking up.

Carol stood with one skinny arm around Maria as Darcy walked up with Xander on her hip, Bucky in tow.

“You ready?” Maria asked, and Darcy nodded.

The house was pretty ordinary. Nothing extravagant, nothing that showed off just how wealthy one was. It was all about practicality with some familiar edges to it. The front door was like any family’s one in a Disney movie. Maria handed her the keys and Darcy unlocked the front door, stepping in.

“Oh, wow!” she said, a little exaggerated to make Xander react. “Bubba, you’ll have to show me around.”

She glanced over her shoulder at Maria.

“This place is _beautiful_.”

Darcy was remembered of an old house in Connecticut she and Carol shot a music video in, playing their acoustic guitars beside one another on a window sill, with long tracking shots.

Typical… every reference Darcy had was from something pretend. She didn’t recognize her mother’s own gaudy McMansion in this one. She didn’t ever stay in anything other than an apartment or a hotel most of her life.

She saw bags from Wallmart as they went through to the kitchens.

“We picked up some basics,” Maria began, and Darcy saw some other bags by the back door. “Then Bucky decided you needed stuff from the hardware store, too.”

Darcy looked at Bucky, who seemed a little shy for once.

“Didn’t know if you were into gardenin’… maybe you could start.”

Darcy blinked, before nodding, feeling warmth in her stomach. They turned back, wandering through the corridors, Maria showing the bathrooms and bedrooms.

“The main is yours,” she said, and Darcy nodded, her smile wider. “Across the hall is Xander’s.”

They walked outside and Darcy put Xander down, taking his hand in hers while he pointed at the different trees. Darcy had never known so much space to run around in, except perhaps a garden party or two she’d been to with Phil.

She spotted the hammock and Maria smiled.

“Again – Bucky’s idea,” she said.

When Maria and Carol finally left, Darcy was exhausted, and a little overwhelmed. Her friends had done so much for her.

“It’s called a found family,” Carol whispered, low enough so only Darcy could hear when she tugged her into a hug. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Darcy whispered back. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Carol said, pulling back. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She and Bucky were left alone, Xander happy to play with his toys in his room as she cooked something simple, ravioli with premade sauce. Bucky sat at the table, watching Darcy as she moved around the kitchen. He kept asking if he could help and she shook her head, happy to play housewife.

Darcy sat at the head of the table with Xander in her lap, managing to feed herself in between bites of feeding him.

Bucky ran a bath as Darcy cleaned up, and then they bathed Xander together, both Darcy’s and Bucky’s upper halves drenched by the time it was over since the toddler had so much fun kicking around.

He took around twenty minutes to get to sleep, which Darcy thought was better than she expected, since it was a new place. She walked back out of his bedroom, leaving the door open a crack, walking back downstairs to the kitchen, seeing it empty.

“Bucky?”

“Out here,” Bucky called, and she walked out the back door, and saw him moving a little end table from the living room to sit it closer to the hammock, before placing their leftover wine from dinner on it with their Darcy’s glass.

Without the barrier of Xander between them, Darcy felt so much more. She wandered out, Bucky turning around to see her, scrubbing a hand through his hair.

“I feel like I haven’t had time alone with you in forever,” she murmured.

She knew it had been less than a day. She remembered the attempted sloppy blowjob, how awful she felt for doing that to him, and how patient he’d been.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“You wanna stay?” she asked, and he pulled in a breath, biting his lip.

He was being so quiet and Darcy wondered if it had all been for show, him buying her stuff for the new place, him driving over before with Xander. Maybe he wanted one last day with his little buddy.

“I probably shouldn’t,” he said eventually. “Y’know, with… with your new start. I thought I had it figured out, but maybe we’re moving too fast. I’m pushing you…”

“No,” Darcy said, stepping closer to him to take his hand in hers, and he looked down at their fingers twining together.

He took his hand back, gnawing his lip some more.

“Divorce court’s not a place for a guy like me,” he said, his voice rough. “High school drop out, with no real place to call home. I smoke too much, probably drink too much… don’t have a schedule like normal folk.”

“I don’t care,” Darcy said, and his eyes snapped to hers.

She knew what he was doing. It was a variation of the conversation they had several nights ago when Darcy released her new song, and he told her to leave sooner rather than later. He didn’t want her stuck in Carol’s bubble of partying and avoidance.

“I’m… I’m gonna go,” he said, and Darcy sucked in a breath.

He turned to leave, walking toward the house.

“I’ll miss you,” Darcy said, unable to help herself.

Bucky went still, his head dropping to his chest. Darcy kept still, hearing the crickets, smelling someone else’s family having a barbecue somewhere past the back fence.

She watched the back of him, waiting for him. A part of her didn’t want him to decide either way. They’d just had the perfect night together with Xander, and she didn’t any of that to change.

She heard him release a shaky breath and he whipped around, moving toward her.

“Goddamn it,” he hissed, and he reached her, kissing her on the lips with such force Darcy stumbled back, his arms catching her.

His tongue slipped into her mouth and they both moaned, moving together, Darcy’s head tilting one way and then the other, one of Bucky’s hands slipping down to grab a handful of her ass, his other hand gripping her jaw.

A second later, he knelt on the ground, pulling her hips toward him, burying his face into the bottom of her shirt, his arms wrapped around her thighs.

“Bucky…”

“I’m so sorry, Darcy,” he said, his voice muffled. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, no… don’t do that,” she whispered, stroking his hair. “I love you. Don’t do that…”

He pulled back, his eyes glassy.

“I don’t want to be the reason you lose Xander,” he said, his voice rough. “I’d never forgive myself if that lil’ guy wasn’t with you every night.”

“He won’t go,” she whispered, cupping his cheek, giving a weak smile Bucky didn’t return. “I’m in this big house now, with all this space.”

“I’ll make it harder –”

“I love you and I want you with me,” she said, her voice firmer. “I’m asking you to stay. You’re… you’re the reason I’ve been getting out of bed every morning the last few weeks.”

Bucky swallowed, grabbing hold of her hand to kiss it, staying on his knees.

“I’d… show you just how much you mean to me,” she said. “But I’m so hung over, I can barely keep standing much longer.”

He finally let out a chuckle, before screwing up his face and sucking in a breath.

“No, don’t cry!” Darcy exclaimed, dropping to meet him, wrapping her arms around him, kissing his face. “Don’t cry, baby…”

They stayed like that for several minutes, and by the time the tears subsided, their skin was glowing blue from the darkness that enveloped them, the moon above as Bucky smoked a cigarette.

Darcy sat in his lap, taking a drag before passing it back, stroking his face.

“Bed?” she murmured, and he glanced at her, nodding.

-

Darcy woke early the next morning, earlier than even Xander, slipping out of bed to go make coffee and look out at the garden from the kitchen window. She went upstairs to see Xander had risen, blinking blearily around his unfamiliar room.

She played with him in the living room for an hour or so, so thankful for the energy she had since yesterday. She hadn’t woken feeling like she’d been carved out. She felt strange, but it was almost exhilarating, this hopefulness she couldn’t deny.

She gave him her phone to watch some YouTube, Mickey tucked beside him on his activity mat, before walking out to go back upstairs with another cup of coffee.

She saw Bucky sleeping as he faced the wall, the sight of the back of his bare neck enough to make her melt. She put the coffee cup down on the bedside table, gliding a hand up his bare back, and she heard him take a breath, grunting. She smirked, waiting for him to roll over.

He stretched like a cat, turning over, blinking up at her as Darcy rubbed his shoulder.

“Hey, c’mere,” he growled, and Darcy giggled as she was tugged down, their mouths slanting together as his hands grabbed her sides.

She moved on instinct, her hands never settling, first gripping his back and broad shoulders before slipping down his hard stomach, then further down to tease his length through the material of his underwear. All of last night they’d been so intimate but never sexual, simply because Darcy didn’t want to get started if she knew she had to stop.

This hunger she had for him now was nothing like before. Even the first time they slept together after her panic attack, she’d been so different. Now, she grabbed at him, felt like she was fighting with him as they kissed and rolled around, his hand slipping down the back of her pyjama shorts, slipping past her underwear to grip her bare ass. They both panted as they grabbed and squeezed, moans escaping as the tension escalated.

Bucky was faster, disappearing under the covers to tug off her shorts and underwear, burying himself between her thighs as Darcy gripped the headboard behind her, gasping and moaning as he sucked and licked at her with abandon.

“I can’t – I can’t… Fuck, I’m _coming_,” she groaned, slamming her eyes shut as he ripped it out of her, tingling all the way to her toes, her whole body shuddering as he resurfaced, his face a mess.

He kissed her, open-mouthed and filthy, and Darcy took it all, her hands reaching for his underwear, tugging it partway down.

She lifted her hips, coaxing him, and Bucky grabbed her shirt, managing to peel it off of her.

“That’s better,” he whispered, moaning when Darcy rubbed her wet cunt against him, pulling him toward her.

They went silent as he sunk into her, and a second later they were moaning, Darcy louder than him, gasping as his hips snapped.

He moved fast and hard, moving her legs up to his shoulders, Darcy’s eyes widening at the sensation as he went deeper, her core tensing up. The new angle made a delicious drag across her clit and she moaned in time with each stroke, Bucky’s eyes glued to hers.

She could hear each slap of him against her, could feel her whole body tightening up again, desperate.

She came, the feeling so intense it almost hurt, her ears ringing as she came down, panting as Bucky kept moving, his breaths turning ragged.

“Shoulda got rubbers yesterday,” he panted, shaking his head.

“We have to buy a high chair today,” Darcy whispered, lifting her head a little to kiss him on the lips, light, tugging his lip a second later. “We’ll go to CVS and get some…”

She scanned his face, his body. He was so beautiful, so open to expressing himself, moaning and whimpering without shame.

“I’ll get Plan B,” Darcy said, squeezing him, sure that he felt it by how his eyes flashed with heat down at her. “You wanna come inside me?”

He kissed her, pulling back with a growl.

“God, why does that turn me on so much?” he whispered, and Darcy squeezed him again, biting her lip, a little giggle escaping.

“Come for me, come for me, baby…”

“Fuck,” Bucky moaned, and he shut his eyes, falling on top of her, his hips their fastest ever, and Darcy gripped his shoulders tight to hold on before he finally collapsed, twitching inside her as he came, his face in her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Maybe This Time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FviuGLFXK9Q)
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	16. Part Sixteen: That's Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: Physical abuse

**Part Sixteen: That's Life**

_For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home._ \- Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

_-_

_I just think some women aren't made to be mothers. And some women aren't made to be daughters._ \- Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects

-

This was what the songs were all about. Some of them she’d sung herself, the songs about sex transforming life. Lovemaking, fucking and every little instance in between. Darcy never knew it could be this way. She never understood how Carol slept with some of the most moronic of women, only to say ‘I couldn’t help it’ when she went back for more despite the life outside of the bedroom, and now Darcy understood it fully. Craving someone, learning someone so well that she knew exactly how good they’d make her feel.

She fell in love with Bucky every day. She went to the supermarket with him, to her therapist’s office, to May’s office, his secret burger place. She liked being home with him the most. They’d go out and come back, in bed as fast as possible.

One afternoon, Darcy was naked in bed with the sheet down to her middle as she played around on her new laptop, her glasses on, while Bucky was playing with Xander on the floor.

He hitched the toddler up with an extravagant groan, looking over at Darcy, a smirk forming. Darcy glanced up from her screen to see Xander making grabbing motions at her, and she shook her head, chuckling.

She pulled her sheet up a little further but her son was still staring and Bucky began to laugh, kissing his little head.

“I don’t blame you, bubba,” he murmured. He looked at Darcy as he moved toward the door. “I’ll put him down.”

“Okay,” she called, and she went back to her laptop as he walked out.

She was busy scrolling through several instrument retailers, wondering if she could surprise Bucky with a present. She was particularly interested in some type of Yamaha grand piano, but she wasn’t knowledgeable enough to discern what was considered an appropriate deal. She thought about texting Carol, scrolling some more.

She quickly crossed out of the tab when she saw Bucky walking back in, slipping into bed beside her and pushing the laptop aside, Darcy giggling, their noses brushing.

“Keep the glasses on,” he whispered, and she laughed louder. “They’re doin’ things to me…”

She kissed him, that familiar taste of him on her tongue, her breath hitching as he lay a hand on her breast, rolling and squeezing her as he rolled on top of her, dragging her into the center of the bed.

Darcy grinned again.

“God, your smile’s gonna get me in trouble…”

“No-one’s stopping you,” she whispered, grabbing at him through his sweatpants.

He was still dressed as he lay on top of her naked body, their hips rolling together.

“Fuck me,” she whispered, and he smiled, catching her in another kiss, his hand going to his waistband to tug everything down.

Her glasses were getting too foggy as they kissed, bare chests pressing together, her thighs open, her hips cradling him as he bumped against her stomach. She took the spectacles off, placing them somewhere to the side, fumbling with them.

“We’re out o’ condoms,” Bucky whispered.

He kissed her slow, lingering, cradling her face. She knew what this was going to be – unrushed, languid lovemaking that still seared in her brain like all the rest of it.

He kicked off the sheets, the heat of the day at its peak, sweat already gathering between them, Darcy’s face flushed with arousal and exertion. Despite the A/C, the heat was seeping in through. She was a little over summer, at least this muggy stage New York state seemed to perpetually be in.

“I want you,” she whispered, lifting her hips, encouraging him, taking hold of his cock to stroke and line up with her.

She always watched his face when he pushed inside, even when it was from behind and she had to crane her head to look. She loved his face when he sunk into her. Every time it made her feel so wanted, made her feel treasured in a way she’d never forget. It almost seemed like it was the first time all over again for him, every time he was inside her.

He didn’t disappoint, his mouth falling open when he breached her, sliding home. He bottomed out, ducking down to kiss her again, hips grinding slowly, building her up.

She rubbed his cheek with her hand, seeing the shadow already forming. He never stayed clean-shaven for long, not even a few hours, it seemed. With each rock of his body into hers, they moaned softly, neither of them closing their eyes.

He was drawing this out, earning her climax when it eventually arrived – a hard throb that spread all over her, her body shivering by the end of it, her nails digging into him, his lips parted as he watched her fall apart, his thumb pressed to the side of her clit.

She stretched, sighing a little, Bucky going still. Something was weighing on his mind. He was getting better at articulating himself. The more she was around him, the more she understood just how sensitive he was, underneath it all. This dreamy boy, this beautiful man, made her dizzy with feelings. So much so that she pressed up on him now, pushing his chest until he moved back, falling out of her and falling flat on his back with a grunt.

Darcy ducked down, taking him in her mouth, stroking him as his hand fell to the space between her neck and shoulder, squeezing. He moaned, his hips jerking, and he hissed when she took him to the back of her throat, relaxing her throat.

She was getting better at blowjobs. What she lacked in finesse in the beginning was outshined by her reckless enthusiasm, like he’d sparked some appetite in her. She’d lost count how many times she’d done this now, but she loved it. She never thought she would, but she always loved the sounds he made, the way he was wrecked by the time it was over, the way he got afterwards…

“I wanna kiss you but I don’t want you to stop,” he gasped, and Darcy chuckled, the sound muffled.

He grabbed at her arm, pulling her off with a wet pop, and Darcy tilted her head.

“What –”

“Get up here,” he said, gesturing to his face. “At the same time.”

Darcy had never done that before – the 69 position. The idea of it usually scared her – her thighs and ass smothering the guy beneath her. She drew in a breath, the curiosity too strong, and she spun around, backing into Bucky as he took hold of her hips.

He guided her back and she felt the first swipe of his tongue and shivered, taking hold of his cock once more, just to keep track of herself, because Bucky tended to be merciless with his mouth, though it started off slow enough before…

“Jesus,” she hissed, before taking him in her mouth once more, distracting herself.

He rewarded her with a fresh burst of precome, her head moving up and down, eventually taking him to the root and staying there, his hands gripping her ass as his mouth sucked her clit, flicking it occasionally with his tongue.

Darcy pulled back with a gasp, pumping him. She fought the urge to press her thighs together, since he was already keeping her legs wide open as he lapped at her, humming and moaning like she was. She moved her face to the side and came with a long, shaky roll of her hips.

Bucky pulled back, nibbling at her inner thigh as she gave a weak laugh, her hand reaching for him again blindly.

When Bucky came, his fingers bit into her thighs, his hot breath on her cunt as he constricted beneath her, the saltiness of his musk hitting the back of her throat.

She always gave a little sigh at the end like it was her going through it with him, both so satisfied once it was over, the dust settling. They lay together, panting and sweating, Darcy’s mouth numb, feeling the phantom twitches deep inside her.

“I’ll go get condoms,” he said, breaking the silence.

Darcy began to laugh, and he chuckled, and she could hear the vibrations as she pressed her ear to his chest.

-

In hindsight, Darcy thought she should have known by the silence from Phil’s camp that she was in danger of some kind of nasty surprise sooner or later. She hadn’t expected it to come in the form of Denise, her number popping up on Darcy’s phone display like a skull in a Shakespeare play – a very obvious omen that made her stomach twist.

She was feeding Xander in his highchair, thick applesauce on a plastic spoon, more of it in his brand new _Frozen_-themed bowl.

She sat back, unlocking her phone with her spare hand as she kept the spoon within distance of the toddler’s face.

“Hello?”

“Hello,” Denise replied, and she was so different to the last time Darcy heard her voice.

She tried to not sound too cold right off the bat. She knew that having little to no reaction would lead to less hostility. It didn’t stop her thinking of Carol and the teary confession in her recording studio. _She used to take everything away when I disobeyed her._ That admission prompted a specific memory of her mother snatching Darcy’s Barbie and throwing it out the car window as they sped down a freeway.

There was a distant banging and Darcy sat up so fast she nearly spilled the applesauce all over her legs.

“That’s me,” Denise said in her ear, and Darcy put aside the food, leaving the table, seeing Bucky was already moving toward the front door to open it.

She grabbed his arm, her finger going to her lips when he froze in place, alarmed by the urgent look on her face.

“_My fucking mom_,” she mouthed.

It must be another trick, the fact that she managed to find her at Maria’s property. She must have called someone, pulled strings. It sickened Darcy, knowing she couldn’t hide.

“Can I come in?”

She could hear Denise on her phone and beyond the door, cheery and louder than usual, the voice she used around label executives and Phil’s family during those rare times she was brought along to extended family gatherings. Darcy knew her mother always smelt a little too much of a trailer park, so she wasn’t invited back often.

She tilted her head down the hallway and she whispered to Bucky:

“Can you go feed Xander? This won’t take long.”

He didn’t move, his lips pressing into a thin line, his jaw tensing. He could sense her anxiety but she shook her head.

“Please.”

He turned away, nodding, grabbing her hand at the last second to squeeze it before he slipped away. Darcy waited until he was out of sight before she looked down at her phone, still connected to Denise, her other hand reaching for the lock on the front door.

She watched her mother take a step back as she moved out into the hot air, hearing kids playing soccer in the street, someone’s sprinkler on in the distance.

“Mom.”

“Hi, I thought we should talk.”

Being the daughter of a compulsive liar gave Darcy a sixth sense for dishonesty, and Denise’s sweetness was immediately suspicious. She narrowed her eyes slightly at her, folding her arms.

“I don’t really want to talk for long. I don’t have much to say to you.”

“I would like to go somewhere private. Is there a way around the back?”

Darcy thought about it and nodded, walking down the steps with her mother in tow, Denise’s heels clacking on the stone. Darcy slipped down the side of the house, pushing a back gate open that she shut behind them before she walked ahead of Denise again, up until they reached the hammock. She leaned against the tree, watching her mother take in the surroundings.

Denise stopped moving her eyes around, raising a hand toward the house, and Darcy followed her eyes, seeing Bucky standing there, watching with Xander through the glass doors. He didn’t return the gesture. The look on his face reminded Darcy of a tiger at the zoo, pacing back and forth along its cage, ready for a fight. He murmured something in Xander’s ear and moved away from the window without acknowledging Denise further.

“Charming man,” Denise muttered, and Darcy let out a snort.

She surprised Denise and herself, biting her lip as she waited for the mirth to subside, but she loved Bucky for that action alone. Even if he was a stranger on the street flipping Denise off, she’d love him.

Denise looked down at her nails, deciding to ignore the slight. Darcy’s eyes fell to her manicure. She’d never seen her mother’s natural nails unless she was in the middle of having them done. She remembered years and years of those same fingers holding motel matchbooks, a lit Parliament in her hand, the brand she chain-smoked since she was a teenager.

“Mom, I don’t want to hear about the mistake I’m making, being with him,” Darcy said, her voice cutting through the chilled silence so abruptly Denise’s eyes snapped to meet hers in surprise.

“He makes me happy. He’s supportive. He’s kind.”

“I agree with Phil when he says that he doesn’t want someone like him around his son. He needs better role models –”

“He’s spent more time with Xander than Phil ever did,” Darcy cut in, trying her hardest to keep her tone level, feeling the anger rising up inside her.

“He can’t support you.”

“I don’t need him to,” Darcy retorted. “I have my own money. I can make more.”

Denise shook her head, irritated, like Darcy’s words were from the mouth of a petulant child, completely irrelevant.

“Not if this custody battle goes on and on,” she murmured, her voice almost sing-song. “Not if I decide how I’m going to make my way alone now that you’re done with me –”

Something snapped inside Darcy and she gave a cruel laugh.

“Oh, what a relief, you’re jealous!”

Denise’s eyes flashed with fury, which only spurred Darcy on.

“At least with Phil, he was bland enough that you were never challenged by him. We finally had something in common, the fact that my marriage was dissatisfying. You loved every second of my boring, trapped life with him.”

She took a deep breath, a shaky one.

“I told Carol!” she said, nodding when Denise’s brow furrowed. “We’re closer than ever, which I knew you never liked. You hated her, because she saw right through you. But you hated more that I loved her, that she did more for me as a friend than you ever did as a mother.”

She felt hot tears well in her eyes.

“But I know what you hated most was that she made me _happy_.”

Denise moved too fast for Darcy to move out of the way, her hand seeming to come out of nowhere to smack across her face, her beringed hand colliding with Darcy’s cheek with a loud crack, and Darcy stumbled, too shocked to keep herself upright. She fell to her knees, clutching her face as she looked up at her mother, wide-eyed and gaping, flinching as she knelt down to meet her eye.

“Listen to me Darcy,” Denise said, her voice calm.

Darcy panted, feeling the terror take over her, and she was a little girl again, alone and trapped. She hadn’t predicted this, despite every other time her mother had punished her growing up. She hadn’t raised a hand to her this way before, something undeniable like a smack to the face.

“You are going to agree to partial custody with Phil and myself,” she murmured, her hand reaching up to tuck a piece of hair behind Darcy’s ear, on the uninjured side of her face.

Darcy didn’t dare say a word. She didn’t think she could.

“You will tell your little friend to leave. And you will ask him to not come back.”

“No,” Darcy said, her voice a tiny little breath.

Another smack, just as hard as the first one, and Darcy whimpered. Denise was unaffected, grabbing her chin by pinching it between her thumb and forefinger.

“Look at me,” Denise hissed, and Darcy was forced to meet her eye, her breath coming in sharp little spurts.

Something tickled on her face, something crawling down. She was forced to watch her mother and nothing else, the world around them forgotten.

“I can take it _all_ away,” she said, and Darcy was forced to nod, too afraid to argue.

Denise let her go and Darcy scrambled back from her on the ground, sitting on her hands as Denise straightened up, inspecting her nails. She touched her hair, looking over at the house.

“I’ll see myself out.”

She left without another word, and Darcy stayed on the ground, turning her back on the house, staring at the fence in front of her as she heard Denise’s soft retreating steps. She took the phone out of her pocket, her hands shaking as she unlocked it and opened up her music, trying to find something to distract her, something outside of her own body.

She chose _That’s Life_, playing it through the speaker of her phone. She listened to it three times before she heard the back door open, Bucky’s footsteps following soon after.

“I saw her drive away,” he called.

Darcy didn’t turn to look at him.

“Yeah,” she called back, her voice more normal than she expected herself to be capable of. “She left.”

“I put him in front of the TV. I put on _Frozen_ again,” Bucky added, chuckling. “I know he walks all over me, but… you know what I’m like. I can’t help it with that guy…”

She heard him coming closer, whistling along to the song that played through her phone.

“Ol’ Blue Eyes, huh?” he murmured. “You could sing him some time –”

He trailed off, his hand reaching her shoulder.

“You okay?”

She turned her head and his lips parted in shock, his hands coming up to hold her face. For a few seconds, he was unable to form the words, utterly speechless as he took her in, whatever it was she looked like. Darcy didn’t know.

“Fuck, _I let her go_ –” he whispered. Darcy saw it – pure wrath on his face as he pulled away from her, standing up.

“Bucky,” she said, her voice flat. “Bucky, she’s gone…”

“Maybe not that far,” he retorted, and she watched him run out the way Denise left.

He disappeared, returning a minute later, shaking his head as he came to her, his hands raising again to hold her.

“I’m a fuckin’ idiot,” he snarled, his chest heaving as he inspected her. “You’re still _bleedin’_ and I wanna go find her, to do what? She’d have me arrested in a second –”

“Is it bad?” Darcy asked, and she winced, his fingers brushing a sensitive spot. 

She began to cry, the wail bursting out of her, her body unable to control her reaction anymore. Something bypassed and now she couldn’t stop shaking, the song still playing over and over as Bucky held her, Sinatra drowned out by her wracking sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up the term "whump sauce" where it's like a further dousing of angst on top of an already pretty miserable situation. I think it applies here.
> 
> P.S. Things will get better.
> 
> [That's Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7niRS7Nh9c8)
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	17. Part Seventeen: At Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picking up on where we left off, there's some angst, but lots of fluffy goodness, too. And smut of course because I couldn't help myself and sarahbeniel is partly to blame. Honestly, I don't need an excuse. You know me.

**Part Seventeen: At Last**

_Just do everything we didn't do and you will be perfectly safe_. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

-

_That's where it begins and ends for me and these songs were the ones that touched me the deepest. It was like I was laying hold of some part of me that I didn't even know was there until I let it out_. - Etta James

-

“Darcy.”

“Hmm?” she murmured, feeling Bucky’s lips brush her forehead, his hand smoothing her hair back.

She’d been crying for God knows how long, on and off, Xander in her arms as _Frozen_ played. Bucky brought her back inside, kept his eyes on her instead of the TV, while Darcy kept her eyes on Xander instead of the TV. She took a moment to calculate how long it had been since Denise left, and it had to be less than an hour, which Darcy didn’t know how to take.

She was in a state of shock, her body shutting down, moving on instinct. She didn’t bother to argue when Bucky talked about driving down to the police station to make a report. She began to shake, and then she threw up her lunch in the kitchen sink. Xander looked only mildly confused, which was a gift to Darcy in that moment. She wasn’t frightening him, but she could feel Bucky was hurting all over for her. They packed up a couple bags for Xander and got into the car, Bucky driving as Darcy put her phone to her ear, calling Carol.

“Hey, what’s up?”

She sounded out of breath, music playing in the background. She could be doing a number of things, including something with a girl that Darcy would rather not interrupt… but Carol didn’t sound irritated, in fact, she was happy.

“I was dancing. I’ve got some ideas for a couple songs. Maybe you could swing by sometime -?”

Darcy interrupted her train of thought with her voice deadened by exhaustion and tears.

“I think this is something that might get out, so I thought I’d give you a heads-up.”

“What is it?” Carol asked, her voice changing immediately. “Is it Phil?”

“My mom, she –” Darcy couldn’t say it out loud, not yet. She sucked in a breath. “I’m gonna file a report, she came by –”

“What did she do?”

“She already left, Bucky’s driving me. She told me she wanted to talk, I guess she found Maria’s house through her website or something, I dunno…”

“Darcy.”

“She, uh, anyway. My face is fucked up and I need to get a restraining order or something,” Darcy mumbled.

“What?” Carol yelled, and Darcy could hear the music cutting in the background, someone asking Carol what was wrong. “What the fuck? Are you okay? Darcy –”

“I can’t talk right now,” she cut in, and she didn’t want to look at Bucky. “I need to… I can’t talk, I’m sorry.”

She thought if she spoke about it too much on the phone now, she’d never be able to tell a stranger about it later on. They were only a couple minutes away from the nearest station, according to the GPS. Darcy’s stomach twisted and she quickly hung up, pressing her lips together.

She turned in her seat to look at Xander who was playing with Mickey in his seat, oblivious to her troubles. She turned back, closing her eyes.

When they arrived at the station and Bucky pulled into the parking lot, he undid his seatbelt and turned to Darcy, watching her try to psyche herself up.

Not many people were privy to it, this routine. She almost did it daily, and sometimes it was really sad, standing in front of a mirror and mimicking a smile, so the movement was more fluid. She couldn’t remember when it started, but it worsened when she was on tour as a teenager.

“Sorry,” she whispered, staring straight ahead, and Bucky touched her hand.

“Take your time.”

She reached above to flip open the mirror, to look at herself properly. The bruises, one on each side of her face, seemed to reflect one another. Sisters, not twins, as one had an ugly cut that must have been from one of the many rings Denise wore. Everything felt hot to the touch, so Darcy didn’t lift her fingers to feel anymore.

She ducked out of the car and went to the backseat to retrieve Xander. Bucky grabbed one of his bags and they walked hand in hand to the station entrance. An officer was leaving just as Bucky reached for the doorhandle and let them through, Bucky murmuring his thanks.

The officer did a double-take and Darcy felt her cheeks flush. It wasn’t the bruises, it was that she was recognized that made her whole body tense up.

They reached the desk and Darcy forgot she needed to speak, so Bucky stepped in.

“My girlfriend –”

“Honey, are you alright?”

There was a second officer that cut in, pushing into the conversation Bucky was having with the officer at the front desk, speaking directly to Darcy as she felt her eyes mist at the sudden attention.

“She’s –”

“He didn’t do it,” Darcy said. “It was my mom.”

There was an awkward pause and the officer stood back, shooting Bucky an apologetic look, moving away to file something. Darcy turned her face one way and then the other.

“I need to report the assault. I’m fighting with her and my ex about custody of my son.”

The officer nodded sympathetically.

“I’ll have someone come see you, if you wait here.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, her voice tighter.

Her phone was beginning to buzz in her pocket and she took it out, handing it to Bucky. He unlocked it, pressing it to his ear.

“Yeah? No, she’s not up to it. I’ve got her, we’re at the station…”

Darcy was staring at the floor, feeling watched. Bucky took her hand in his, and from what she could discern, Carol had called back and he was relaying the story to her.

Bucky kicked his boot on the floor, grumbling a little. Darcy didn’t know what to do. She knew there was no changing how he felt – so angry, so powerless…

“Ms. Lewis?”

Darcy glanced up, seeing a woman with a short brown ponytail wearing a brown leather jacket, one hand on her holster.

“Yeah.”

Bucky promptly hung up and the officer gestured behind her, at the sea of desks behind the front desk.

“Would you mind coming with me?”

Darcy met Bucky’s eye.

“I need him.”

“Okay, but I’d prefer to have this conversation at my desk,” the officer replied. She looked at Xander. “Hey, little guy.”

Darcy adjusted her son on her hip, the urge to flee beginning to set in.

“I don’t know…”

“Darcy,” Bucky said, his voice gentle. “We can go home, but I think you should think about it first. They can help you.”

“How?” Darcy asked, her voice hushed but sharp, feeling her cheeks flush more. “It already happened.”

“Ma’am, I would like to help you,” the officer said, and she moved closer, offering her hand. “My name is Maria Hill.”

Darcy took her hand, knowing hers was clammy from stress.

“Okay,” she whispered, her eyes ducking.

They followed Hill down the rows of desks to a back room, the circulating air chilly on Darcy’s forearms as she sat down while still holding Xander. She jiggled him up and down, watching as Hill took out a pen and pad of paper.

“Where would you like to begin?” Hill asked, and Darcy blinked, swallowing. Hill’s eyes went to her mouth. “Would you like a glass of water?”

“Yes, yes please,” Darcy whispered. “I’m… thirsty.”

She remembered her vomiting into the kitchen sink and how Bucky tried to rehydrate her and she passed a hand over her face as Hill walked out, returning thirty seconds later with a plastic cup filled with icy water from the cooler in the hallway.

Bucky’s hand rested on hers on the table as Hill sat back down.

“I don’t know how to talk about it,” Darcy said, and Hill nodded.

“That’s fine. You’re very brave.”

“I’m not,” Darcy said, shaking her head. She let out a harsh little laugh.

“You are,” Hill and Bucky said together.

They exchanged a glance and Hill looked away first, at her blank paper, and Darcy drew in a breath, considering her words.

“Do you… know who I am?” she asked.

Hill looked at her, nodding. “Yeah.”

“So, you’d probably know that I’m in the middle of a divorce, and… my mom was my manager until a couple weeks ago, and then I let her go.”

Hill wrote this down, nodding some more. Darcy shifted in her seat, kissing the side of Xander’s face.

“This afternoon she came by and I thought maybe she’d try to manipulate me into taking her back, or, she’d make me agree to some part of the custody plan she had with my husband.”

Darcy took a deep breath and let it go.

“And then she h-hit me, so…”

“I’m sorry,” Hill murmured. She stopped writing. “What happened after that?”

“She left. I stayed in the backyard. Bucky didn’t see it – I-I think I spaced out for a couple minutes, listening to music on my phone…”

“Let’s go back,” Hill said, her voice soft. “Were you arguing when the assault occurred?”

“Yes.”

“Has she done this before?”

Darcy stared at the table, thinking of the pageants, the years of longing for a different family. She took too long to answer.

“Darcy, you’re safe here –”

“She never hit me that hard before,” she blurted. “She… would pinch me and smack my hands or grab my ear, or my hair… she never hit me like that, like she was trying to really hurt me…”

Bucky let out a breath and she looked at him, seeing something pass over his face again, something she didn’t want to name in front of Hill.

“Did Carol know?” he murmured, and Darcy shook her head.

“Well, not until –”

“What?” he said, a little disbelieving. “She _knew_?”

“No!” Darcy snapped, ripping her hand away from him, hugging Xander tighter. “I told her about when I did pageants, but she didn’t know this could happen. Fuck, _I_ didn’t know this could happen –”

“It’s alright,” Hill said, raising a hand, and Darcy felt a sob bubble up. “There’s a lot to process right now. Maybe we should take a break.”

“No, I want to talk about this now, or I might not ever!” Darcy snapped, and Bucky’s eyes widened. “She used to stick pins in me, okay? I’d scream and everyone looked the other way –”

She had to look away from him, she couldn’t handle his face as she confessed it. She glared at Hill instead.

“And then today she hit me, and –” Something dawned on her and she sucked in a breath. “Wait, do you think I provoked her?”

“No,” Hill said immediately. “I was asking if you were arguing in case –”

“She didn’t do it in self-defence,” Bucky cut in, and Hill blinked at him.

“_Sir _–”

“I am tryin’ really fuckin’ hard to behave myself,” he went on, “but this woman came to Darcy’s house uninvited and I left her alone with her, and I have to make this right, and you’re not workin’ fast enough.”

“We have to file a report, and then make an arrest,” Hill said, her tone measured.

“_If_ you can find her,” Bucky said.

“Yes.”

“Fuckin’ hell.”

“Sir, we have to do this the right way, or it gets messier and spins out of control. You don’t want that, and neither does Darcy.”

“He’s protective,” Darcy murmured, and they both seemed to snap out of it, Bucky’s hand wiping at his eyes fiercely as Darcy squeezed his thigh under the table. He looked at her and nodded, his throat bobbing. His knee had begun to jiggle.

She reached to stroke his face.

“Maybe you could take Xander out and play on my phone for a while?” she asked, and he frowned.

“You sure?”

His voice was husky. Darcy nodded, trying to smile. She handed him Xander and he stepped out, the toddler smacking the back of his head on the way. Once the door was shut, Darcy placed her face in her hands.

“Oh, my God,” she whispered. “Oh, fuck…”

She wept, and amongst the tears she heard Hill push the tissue box on the table toward her wordlessly. Darcy grabbed on, blowing her nose and toss it in the trash.

“Let’s go,” she whispered, clearing her throat. “Let’s go back to the start.”

And she did. She told Hill everything, from the post-natal depression to Phil cheating on her, to her fleeing to stay at Carol’s mansion beyond the city, to her falling for Bucky hard and fast, to her mother’s controlling behavior since she was little up until that afternoon. She wasn’t able to determine just how long she spoke for, until Hill’s watch beeped to indicate the new hour beginning.

“Darcy, do you feel safe, going home with Bucky and your son back to Maria’s house?” Hill asked.

Darcy supposed she could call her Maria now. Maria was looking at her with the warmth and understanding of someone who actually cared about her. Sure, it was her job, but Darcy hadn’t trusted law enforcement before. It didn’t sit well with her that the woman was carrying a weapon with her at all times, but she knew she’d protect her if she asked her to.

“No,” Darcy said. “But I don’t know where else to go.”

“You mentioned Bucky’s sister, Becca –”

Darcy grimaced. “That apartment isn’t big enough –”

“It would be temporary while we try to track down Denise. You can upgrade your security at the house in the meantime. If you asked Becca, I’m sure she’d understand.”

“No, it’s too much,” Darcy groaned, but she knew she didn’t have a lot of choices. “Maybe a hotel?”

“A private property your mother doesn’t know about might be best,” Maria said, and Darcy nodded.

It would be just like Denise to search every hotel she could find. Darcy had no idea what state of mind she was in. She could come back tomorrow to collect.

“I need my phone,” Darcy mumbled, and Maria nodded, packing up her things.

They had already put out an APB. Darcy was trying to not think about how angry Denise would be if police pulled her over, wherever she was. She ducked out into the foyer and found Bucky and Xander sitting together, the toddler too absorbed to notice her, but Bucky looked up.

“Okay?”

“I need to talk to your sister.”

“Why?” Bucky asked, and then he smiled, the action surprising her, but Darcy felt immediately better at the sight of it. “Are we gonna stay with her?”

“I don’t want to,” Darcy mumbled, pouting a little.

“Then we’ll go to my ma’s,” he said, shrugging. He took the phone from Xander, who promptly grizzled. “Alright, bubba. Mama needs it for a sec.”

Darcy was still stuck on the idea of staying at his mother’s, putting up her hand that was holding her phone.

“Wait. Just – your mom’s?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, drawing out the word. “She’s got the room. Empty nest.”

“Wait,” she said again, laughing nervously. “I’ve never met this woman, and you’ll be asking for us to stay with her?”

“You’ll ask, baby,” Bucky said, grinning. “Not me.”

“Fine,” Darcy snapped. “What’s her number? Maybe I’ll ask her about catching you jerking off –”

“She never caught me,” he replied, chuckling.

She remembered the pussy eating story he told her on their first date, tilting her head at him when she passed the phone back to him for him to type the number in. She pressed the phone to her ear, listening it ring.

“What about her kicking down your door that time?”

“Which time – OH,” Bucky said, a little louder than Darcy expected, but she laughed.

She felt relieved that she could still laugh. She could also feel a headache coming on, and she remembered once again that her stomach was virtually empty.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” she blurted, eyes widening. “Um. Hi. Sorry. I’m Darcy.”

She rolled her eyes at herself.

“I know your son, Bucky –”

“Yes, I’ve heard about you,” came the voice on the other end, after a brief silence. “Rebecca’s already spent God knows how many hours listening to your music. I’ve heard, and I hope I’m not wrong, that you’re seeing James.”

“Yes,” Darcy said, finally able to articulate something easily. “Yes, I’m dating your son.”

“Becca said as much. Practically screamed it into the phone. Why are you calling, honey?”

Bucky’s mother had only bare traces of her Brooklyn accent on the phone, unlike her children. Darcy noted that Becca tended to be better at disguising it, whereas Bucky only ever seemed to speak like he was a cartoon character.

“I… I don’t mean to impose, but some things are a little…”

“I know about the divorce, hon.”

“I hope you don’t judge me for that,” she murmured, looking at the floor. “Since I… I’m in love with your son.”

“You are?”

Darcy looked at Bucky, seeing him looking back at her. Xander was playing with his hand, tugging his fingers with little grunts.

“Completely.”

“So come over. If that’s what you’re asking?”

“Yes, please,” Darcy breathed. “I don’t think Becca’s got the room. She’d never turn me away, but I don’t want her giving up her bed for me…”

“I know –”

“And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It’s… a burden, and I’m a mess, and I don’t think I was raised the right way –”

The words were spilling out of her now and Bucky got up with Xander pressed to his chest, grabbing Darcy’s spare hand.

“Sorry,” she said, cutting herself off. “Can I give you to Buck?”

She didn’t wait for his mother to respond, passing the phone to him with a shaky breath.

-

They drove to Brooklyn after the report was officially filed and they did a quick stop back at the house for supplies. Darcy booked meetings with her therapist and May, feeling exhausted by the time they finally reached the street Bucky said he grew up on.

He was different, acting less angry, much gentler than before. He parked a street over and they walked, his arm around Darcy as she looked around, Xander absorbed in sucking on a cookie.

“She’s gonna love you,” he said, and Darcy felt her stomach twisting with nerves.

“Hopefully.”

“She will,” he said, firmer.

He pressed the buzzer and they waited, Xander’s murmurs breaking through the silence. They waited less than a minute before a brunette woman appeared, her arms wide.

She had Bucky’s eyes. Or, Bucky had her eyes, intense blue ones that filled Darcy with warmth among her raging nerves.

“Who’s this adorable baby?”

“This is Alexander,” Darcy said, offering him to her. “I’m Darcy.”

“C’mere, hon, I’m Cara,” she replied, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Come up, Bucky said you’re starving…”

“Hey, I’m here, too, Ma,” he called after them as Cara began the ascent with Darcy holding her hand.

“Yes, I know, James…”

Darcy smirked, unable to stop herself. As she walked inside, she saw the walls were covered in photographs like Becca’s apartment was, and she burst out laughing.

“Oh, my God,” she said, and Bucky was right behind her, whispering in her ear.

“Like what you see?”

“Literally a _child_ in that photo,” she replied, referring to one that showed him wearing a basketball jersey, his tongue sticking out. He was at most eighteen there.

She let go of Cara’s hand to stare, Bucky’s hand on her lower back, slipping down to pat her rear.

Cara shot him a look.

“James Barnes, _I can see you_. Show your guest the place first, please,” she said, and she walked off with Xander in her arms, the toddler happy to be coddled as Cara took him into the kitchen.

Darcy was absorbed in the photographs, the Barnes family all over the place as he showed her the living room and small dining room, then the bathroom and the bedrooms. He stopped the tour when Darcy was distracted by his domain, picking up things and putting them down again. He had several instruments squeezed into the small space, including a guitar and a Casio mini battery-powered keyboard. She began to cackle when she found the _GRLPWR 4 EVR_ CD on his player on top of his chest of drawers.

“How’d that get in here?” he muttered, taking it from her.

“You a fan?” Darcy teased.

He ducked down to kiss her, Darcy’s hand slipping under his shirt to feel his stomach.

“No way, that brunette’s pitchy…”

“Hey, fuck you,” Darcy whispered, chuckling.

He backed her into his closed door, plying her mouth open, his eyes fluttering shut as he cupped her face, his other hand trailing down her side to rest on her hip…

“I know about the pussy eating in this room,” Darcy whispered, as he moved to kiss down her throat, his hands cupping her ass. Darcy could feel he was hard in his sweatpants, just after a few kisses. “But did you ever get laid in here?”

“Nah,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Why?”

He pulled back a little to look her in the eye, his mouth wet, his hair mussed. He looked so cute, so excited and warm, and soft… except his hard-on was pressing into her crotch.

“No reason,” she replied, and he smiled with his lip between his teeth.

“You probably should eat somethin’,” he murmured.

“I’ve got some ideas –”

“Okay, but my ma will be listenin’ through the keyhole,” he whispered, pressing a slow kiss to her mouth, his tongue slipping back in.

They kissed for a couple minutes, Darcy’s hands grabbing his shirt, gripping his back as he rolled his hips into hers. He nuzzled her neck, holding her tight to him in a cuddle, sighing at the end. He took a distinct step back, his hand cupping his crotch.

“God.”

“It was your idea to come here,” Darcy retorted, rearranging her bra cup, trying to put herself back together. She put her hand on the door handle, waiting for the signal from Bucky.

“I’m _not_ comin’ right now, that’s the point,” he muttered, his eyes darting to her butt for a second when she turned, and she couldn’t help grinning at him. “Don’t gimme the smile, you’ll kill me…”

“Maybe I’ll play with you later.”

“You _are_ gonna kill me,” he breathed, and he sighed.

-

They had roast chicken with mashed potatoes and green beans. Xander mostly filled up on the potatoes, giggling at Cara throughout the night. Darcy found it easier to adapt that she expected, and she knew it was Cara that sped that along with Bucky in tow, since he was acting like she’d known him forever.

She couldn’t remember life without him. Not anymore. Not after the last day she’d had with him, or the last couple of weeks. The idea that Denise even tried to make her separate from him was ludicrous to Darcy.

Cara kept trying to push food onto her plate, until Bucky was telling her to stop as well.

“I’ll put Xander down,” Darcy said, moving to get up. “In, uh, Becca’s room?”

Cara nodded, getting up to follow her, and Darcy could hear Bucky putting the dishes in a pile and tidying up. She could see Xander was fading fast, his little belly full. She petted his hair as she walked down with Cara.

“Do you mind if I’m staying in Bucky’s room?” she asked, and Cara stopped in the middle of retrieving blankets from the linen cupboard, her eyebrows lifting.

“No. Why?”

“You’re…”

_Oh, God, don’t say it,_ she thought. She said it anyway.

“You’re Catholic.”

“Honey, my Catholicism works for me, it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone,” she replied, waving her hand dismissively. “And he’s a grown man, despite appearances…”

She smirked at Darcy as they ducked into Becca’s old room.

“I know you’re the one who finally got him to cut his hair.”

“I cut it for him,” Darcy murmured.

Cara seemed impressed, unfurling the blanket. They lay Xander down and Darcy wiped at his face and hands with a baby wipe, tossing it into the waste paper basket. The markings of a teenage girl in the early 2000s were all over this tiny bedroom. Britney Spears hung over a pink desk, N*SYNC taped to the other wall. There was a GRLPWR pencil case on the desk, and Darcy shook her head at it.

“He always talked about you,” Cara said, cutting through Darcy’s reverie.

Xander’s eyes had begun to flutter shut, his little body enclosed in a few blankets rolled into long sausages to fence the edge of the bed.

“He doesn’t tend to roll,” Darcy said, but Cara wasn’t letting the topic go.

“I’ve met Carol plenty of times, but even when he hadn’t met you, he talked about you like you made the sun shine, or… you hung the moon or somethin’…”

Her accent was finally breaking through and Darcy ducked her head, smiling.

“I, uh… I don’t ever know what to say,” she murmured. “When he says any of that. He said he’d had a crush on me for thirteen years, I thought –”

“That boy doesn’t lie when it comes to his feelings,” Cara said, and Darcy believed her. “Wears his heart on his sleeves. Tends to get hurt that way. It’s happened God knows how many times…”

“I don’t lie, either,” Darcy said. She stroked Xander’s hair. “When I met my husband, I thought I knew what love was… but then I met Bucky.”

He eyes snapped to Cara’s.

“I wasn’t unfaithful.”

“I know,” Cara said. “I believe you.”

“He _acts_ like Xander’s his,” Darcy murmured.

“My boy is intense,” Cara said with a little sigh.

Darcy smiled, because yes, he was. But she loved him dearly for that.

Both women looked at one another for several seconds until Darcy lost her nerve, shaking her head at herself.

“I did this with Becca, too, cried in her apartment. I was such a drama queen…”

“I think you need a mother, honey,” Cara said, her voice soft. “Am I right?”

Darcy nodded, finally acknowledging how hurt she really felt. So angry, too, at Denise for the position she put her in – vulnerable, hurting, confused, alone…

Cara took her by the shoulders and hugged her, Darcy’s hands to her sides for a couple seconds before the gesture truly sunk in, and she hugged her back, feeling Cara’s hand patting her on the back.

They joined Bucky in the living room and they watched a couple episodes of _Cheers_, and Bucky chuckled along with Cara every few seconds, while Darcy was too distracted by the pair of them sitting together so easily, untroubled by one another’s company.

At one point, they put on music and Bucky danced with Darcy in a slow waltz, Cara’s record player on in the background as she sipped wine in her armchair.

“Look at me, you two, I want a photo,” she said, picking up her phone.

Bucky turned them slightly toward her, kissing Darcy on the cheek, the moment captured. When Cara put the phone away, Bucky gestured to her.

“Can I borrow you, ma’am?”

“I won’t dance to this with you,” she retorted, and Darcy laughed at Bucky’s mock hurt. “I need something real, y’know?”

Bucky looked at Darcy, stage-whispering:

_“She wants ya t’sing.”_

Darcy rose her eyebrows, stepping back from him, shaking her head.

“He’s got some microphones in his old room,” Cara said. “And I’ve never seen you live.”

Bucky went off to retrieve a mic and a little amp, plus the Casio keyboard. He tested to see if the batteries still had juice, playing a couple idle notes while Darcy stared down at the mic, biting her lip.

“What are you in the mood for, Ma?” Bucky asked, playing _Mary Had A Little Lamb_ without looking at the keys.

Cara glanced from her son to Darcy, crossing her arms with a triumphant grin on her face.

“I want… Etta James.”

“Oh, is that all?” Bucky said, and Darcy scoffed. He glanced at her. “Y’know, she’s askin’ for it ‘cause she knows you can do it.”

He began to play At Last, and Darcy hesitated, before switching on the amp, taking a few breaths away from it, listening to the intro.

She took a deep breath, hoping to God that the neighbors wouldn’t complain.

_At last_

“Oh, my God,” Cara said, her eyes bulging at Darcy, and Bucky laughed.

_My love has come along_

_My lonely days are over_

Cara looked awestruck as Darcy sang on:

_And life is like a song!_

“I won’t do it justice,” Bucky said, stopping his playing on the keyboard, standing up to offer his hand to Cara.

He pulled her into a waltz as Darcy sang acapella. Cara kept staring at her, Bucky doing the same, and she was sure if someone heard the recording, they could picture how she was smiling at her audience.

She sang it all the way through, and Cara looked like she was fighting back tears when it was over, and Bucky couldn’t stop smiling, so proud of Darcy, like he couldn’t contain himself.

He leaned over to kiss Darcy on the lips when she was done, his mother dazed.

They broke apart and Cara shook her head.

“Ma, you alright?”

“I’m… I’m just a little…”

“Yeah, she’ll do that to ya,” Bucky murmured, and he let go of her to grab Darcy, turning her in a circle, and she laughed breathlessly, her cheeks pink.

“I ain’t ever _heard_ somethin’ like that before,” Cara whispered, overcome.

-

Darcy woke the next morning, her eyes fluttering open to the distant sound of a siren, the memories of yesterday coming back to her, and she turned onto her back, glancing around Bucky’s bedroom.

He was asleep beside her, his mouth slightly open, his chest rising and falling. He looked younger, his dark lashes laying against his cheeks that were blotched pink with sleep - perhaps from a couple marks from his pillow, his hair sticking up…

Darcy scooted closer, lips hovering over his, their noses brushing.

“Buck…”

Her hand slid down his bare chest, and he pulled in a deep breath just as Darcy was dipping her hand down into his boxer briefs, stroking him.

She kicked the blanket away, pulling him into a kiss, his eyes blinking open. He was hot and thick in her palm, and she didn’t want to wait, ducking down to spring him free from his underwear and take him to the back of her throat, swirling her tongue around.

“Holy… shit,” he gasped, and his hand flexed on the mattress before gripping the sheet in desperation, a moan following soon after.

She let him go with a soft, wet pop, pumping him, their eyes meeting.

“This ever happen in this bed?”

He shook his head dumbly.

“Please, God – _fuck_ –” he moaned, and she swallowed what she could, playing with his balls as she bobbed her head in greedy sucks. 

He grabbed her pillow and bit it, his other hand in her hair as she worked him over, sloppy and fast, his thick thighs beginning to tense. She pulled back again to catch her breath, watching Bucky gnaw at his lip, his legs shaking with the effort.

“I need you,” he whispered, and she pumped him in her fist, shaking her head. “Fuck, Darce, I need to get inside you right now…”

“Later,” she whispered.

“Darcy, baby, _please_ –”

“Beg so pretty,” she said, moving up, unable to resist. If truth be told, she was desperate for him, too, feeling the excited wetness between her thighs, her breath hitching when he lifted her, her cunt bumping his stomach.

He was aimed toward her, his other hand biting into her hip.

“Gotta be quiet,” he whispered.

“Is that what you’d say, if you snuck me in here?” she retorted, her words making his eyes flash with heat. “If we were kids fucking in your bedroom?”

“Yeah,” he managed to reply, his voice tight as she sunk onto him. “Christ, I wanna make you scream…”

She moved in shallow thrusts, practically teasing him, and he hissed, bucking into her. Fed up with the pace, he rolled them, making Darcy giggle into his ear, covering her mouth with his hand when he tucked back inside her, her eyes rolling back from the force of him a stroke later…

“I’d sneak you in here, get lost in you…” he whispered. “Give you a hickey… maybe a couple on your thighs where I’d only get to see them…”

He was fucking her hard and fast, Darcy’s cunt clenching him as the pleasure crept higher and higher, the sweat gathering between them. She could sense it, he was close, and she was, too, her moans smothered by his hand, his whispering still in her ear:

“If it were up to me, we’d be here all day, all night, ‘cause I can’ get enough, I can’t…”

Darcy came, her vision turning white as she clamped down on him, his breathing ragged.

“Fuckin’ – _goddamn_ –”

He pulled out of her, jerking himself as he came on her flushed pussy lips, groaning as he drained himself:

“Holy shit, I love you…”

Darcy began to laugh, dizzy with it all.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [At Last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-cbOl96RFM)
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	18. Part Eighteen: If We Were Kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **cw: mentions suicidal ideation**

**Part Eighteen: If We Were Kids**

_"It’s rotten work." - "Not to me. Not if it’s you."_ \- Euripides 

-

“You can work in your notebook later.”

“Mom, please, you said that yesterday and I didn’t get a chance to write what I wanted. I just want ten minutes with my guitar –”

“Studio people are coming by today, do you want them to see you not working?”

“It is work! I could show this to Carol and then we’d finally get a hook –”

Denise promptly tore the notebook from Darcy’s hand, snatching the pencil along with it, stalking off as Darcy followed her. She was shivering in her tour costume, and it was supposed to be her lunch break. She didn’t know where Carol was, since there was no sign of her in the stadium backstage.

“Mom, please, my whole life is in that.”

“Your life is here, Darcy, now,” Denise retorted, and she spun around, holding up the doggy-eared notebook Darcy kept all her scribbles and ideas. “You’re distracted, I saw it when you were dancing before. If you can call it that.”

Darcy felt her face flush and she wrapped her arms around her front tighter, looking at the floor. The thin spandex of her pink and black astronaut outfit hid little of her shape at the best of times.

“Mom –”

“And you were off. During the rehearsal.”

Darcy felt something rise out of her, a secret anger only Carol really saw, and she glared at her mother then.

“I am _never_ off.”

“That’s not what I hear,” Denise said, tilting her head. She gestured to the notebook. “I’m going to hold onto this until you’ve prioritised things better. Like your family, and the ability to have a roof over our heads.”

“Mom, _please_,” Darcy said, leaning closer to her, pleading with her in a low voice as some of the sound guys walked past. She never wanted anyone to hear her arguing with her mother.

She knew already that she was dangerously uncool compared to Carol, and having her mom always around just seemed to make everything worse.

“No, Darcy. Discipline. I don’t want you getting lazy like the other kids we see,” Denise retorted. She patted Darcy’s arm, giving the fabric a glance over. “You’re wearing the two sports bras, like we talked about?”

Darcy felt her face flush further, ducking her head, hoping to God no-one else heard that.

“Yes, Mom, I know!”

“I don’t know…”

“Mom, please.”

“No writing. Work first,” Denise said. “I’m getting some fresh air.”

That was always code for Denise having a cigarette break. She had several a day, and Darcy hated that her prized possession was with her mother now, and she’d be able to read over all the things Darcy held so close to the chest.

Darcy watched her exit out a fire escape and she felt the urge to cry, from either frustration, embarrassment, or by how unfair it all was. It felt like Denise did nothing all day, while Darcy literally ran around for hours doing choreography, interviews, vocal practices and performances. She shivered as she walked off down the hallway, seeing a few dancers on their way out of the dressing room, a couple of them smiling at her and waving. She ducked inside, looking around.

“Carol’s not here, sweetie,” said one of the dancers on her way out. Tiffany was a few years older than Darcy and Carol but acted like she was as old as Denise, with real mother hen instincts.

She’d fixed her hair again, tight little braids, and Darcy bit her lip, nodding. She hated how obvious it was to everyone, how awkward she was. She always wished she was someone else. She couldn’t be like Carol that way, putting on a show constantly.

“Any idea where she’d be?”

Tiffany sighed. “Maria’s with her, I think.”

Darcy nodded, unsure of what to do. Since Carol confided in her about Maria, she hadn’t wanted to barge in on their friendship, no matter the situation. She remembered Carol saying ‘I think about girls, and I think about Maria a lot’, and she wasn’t about to mess that up for her by being the annoying tag-along friend.

Tiffany had the door half-open, waiting for Darcy’s response. She blinked toward the oncoming footsteps and lit up.

“Speak of the devil,” she said with a wide grin. “Darcy’s looking for you, slugger.”

“Yeah?” came Carol’s voice, and she appeared, her eyes dipping to Darcy’s empty hands.

Tiffany waved and finally left, leaving the two of them alone, Carol’s frown deepening.

“I thought we were gonna jam.”

“Mom took it,” Darcy mumbled. “Said I can get it back later. Was my dancing off before?”

Carol’s eyebrows hiked and she looked at the ceiling, jogging her memory.

“No,” she said, shrugging. She flashed a smile, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. “But was my dancing off?”

“No,” Darcy said, smirking. “You know it wasn’t. You’re so good… what about my vocals?”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Carol said, the cursing coming out her with the fluency of a sailor, her face screwed up in confusion. “You’re amazing. Always are. What’s her fucking problem, anyway?”

“She’s worried, I guess,” Darcy murmured.

She turned to look at herself in the mirror, seeing Carol beside her. Light and dark, Carol’s costume had more pink than black, whereas Darcy’s was the other way around. She lifted her hands to push at her chest, sighing.

“They’re not gonna go down if you try to squash ‘em,” Carol muttered. “They’re huge.”

Darcy hated her body. So awkward and female, clumsy and soft all over, with no dignity, no strength like Carol’s. Her body was all lithe limbs and small breasts, her hips still as narrow as a boy’s.

“Get your guitar anyway,” Carol said, hitting her arm lightly, trying to change the subject. “And I got a secret to tell you.”

Darcy tried not to overreact, since sometimes she thought Carol was only her friend because she had to put up with seeing her seven days a week, performing beside her night after night. She didn’t want to seem too eager to hear what Carol had to say, simply because she feared looking pathetic.

Carol waggled her eyebrows.

She gave the closed door a long look, waiting in case someone could be bursting in, and she lowered her voice, leaning in to whisper to Darcy:

“Maria’s sneaking out with me after Seattle.”

That was two nights away, and the day after that was meant to be the first one off in weeks. Darcy was craving a sleep-in.

“Yeah?”

“We kissed,” Carol said, and Darcy watched her face morph into a Carol rarity – bashfulness, her beautiful features flushing, and Darcy couldn’t help returning that unbridled glee.

“Oh, my God,” she breathed, and Carol grabbed her hand, squeezing it.

She hoped one day she’d find someone like Carol did.

-

Justin Hammer’s hands were orange.

Darcy was unable to stop noticing that. His spray tan reached the tips of his fingers, several of which had large gold rings. He was new money, which Darcy knew never bought anyone good taste. She had nothing against men wearing jewellery or getting a fake tan – he’d overdone it by several degrees of terracotta and she was already feeling pretty hostile toward him, and she was pointing out more things to hate about him the longer she was in the same room as him.

She was thankful Xander hadn’t come along to this meeting. He was back home with Bucky, Maria and Carol while Darcy was in the city. Maria was beside herself when she found out about Denise tracking Darcy down and attacking her, but Darcy didn’t let Maria blame herself for a second. It didn’t stop Maria from trying to overcompensate, offering to let Darcy stay there indefinitely for free, after they hastily upgraded the security the day after Darcy filed her police report.

She wished Bucky was with her. She wished he was holding her hand, but she didn’t want to bring him into this. She didn’t want him having to deal with Hammer and Phil up close. This whole thing needed to stay between the four people in the room – May with Darcy on one side of the table with Hammer and Phil on the other, food, coffee and papers between them.

“You’re lucky we’re not pressing charges, Justin,” May said, and Darcy felt his eyes fall to her face, a wide grin on his face.

“I am sorry about what happened with Mrs. Lewis,” he said, placing an orange hand on the table, and Darcy was sure he’d tried to touch her knee if the table wasn’t between them. “Truly, I am sorry, Darcy. I never imagined she’d use that information to try to threaten or intimidate –”

“Bullshit, Justin,” May said, and his smile faltered temporarily, May’s outburst distracting him. “Just be happy my client isn’t suing you both for stalking. Your contacts got the address from Maria Rambeau’s website, correct?”

“That information is public,” Hammer replied, withdrawing and sitting back. “So it’s not illegal, unless… you went to some special law school I haven’t heard of?”

“Where did you go to school?” Darcy asked, folding her arms.

The question seemed to catch him off-guard.

“Princeton,” he said, smiling.

“Never heard of it,” Darcy replied, and he laughed.

He glanced at Phil beside him, nudging him.

“Oh, I like her. I can see why you’d marry her.”

Darcy watched May roll her eyes, sighing.

“Justin, can we… please get to the settlement? Considering the last 72 hours, I’d rather we not delay any longer. My client’s protection order has come through and we need to act accordingly.”

“What happens if Denise shows up when I have my son?” Phil asked May, the first question he’d aimed at anyone in the last ten minutes.

Darcy had only known him to be this quiet when they were at home together, ignoring each other. Their eyes met and she felt her cheeks heat under his steady gaze. He pushed up his glasses reflexively.

“You’d call the police,” May answered, and he blinked. “If you had Xander with you.”

“Which you two don’t want, lemme see,” Hammer said, making a show of flipping through some pages of Darcy’s rebuttal. “In case I didn’t get that the first time I read this fuckin’ thing. Unless…?”

He looked at Darcy expectantly.

“Sweetheart?”

“I want sole custody,” she said, her eyes glued to Phil.

He let out a short laugh lacking mirth, and she wondered if he ever loved her. Maybe the switch had been amplified by that love, since he seemed to put so much into hating her, his eyes taking her in with nothing but contempt.

Darcy couldn’t say she felt the same way. Honestly, she hadn’t thought about Phil much at all.

“We’re not happy with that,” Hammer replied. “Obviously. So, going forward –”

“No,” May said, raising a hand. “First off, your conditions include Denise still. My client will not be going forward with any of that, no matter what else is offered. You need to redact that offer, officially, before we continue.”

There was a brief silence and Hammer glanced at Phil, the two of them having a silent exchange while Darcy picked at her nail, feeling her stomach twist.

Hammer cleared his throat, looking at May.

“We don’t want this going to court.”

“Good, so we agree,” May said, but Hammer cut her off.

“Because Darcy’s been through enough, with Denise and all. We don’t want their son having to see her lose custody because the judge would definitely rule in my client’s favour,” he went on, and Darcy glared at Phil.

“Wanna elaborate, Phil?” she snapped, but he stayed quiet.

“I have some things,” Hammer said, and he turned to grab some papers from a pile on his side. “Some pretty disturbing details about Darcy’s past behavior with little Xander.”

“How dare you –” May began, and Darcy knew where it was going, but she still had to stop herself from gasping.

“I have some letters that Darcy gave, or, I should say – left for Phil over a few months two years ago when Xander was born,” Hammer said. “These are photocopies…”

He handed them to May, and Darcy felt hot tears well in her eyes.

“You kept those?” she said, and Phil’s jaw clenched.

“You left me no choice.”

Never did she expect those letters to be used as ammo against her. She’d forgotten about them, simply because she assumed Phil destroyed them, since they were disturbing in nature, and his family or anyone else finding them would be too much for him to bare.

“The first line, you can see,” Hammer said, pointing. “_Every day I think about going into Brooklyn and jumping off the bridge. Last night I dreamt of dying and I was happy. I was free_.”

“Stop,” May said, attempting to reach over to cover the page Hammer was holding, to prevent him from reading more.

“There’s more,” he said, indicating the stack of papers he had underneath.

“I know,” May answered, her voice flat.

Darcy was trying to wrap her head around the fact that her husband had probably planned this the moment she wrote those confessions. He meant to leave her and take their son with him. She didn’t regret writing those letters… she just wished she’d kept them in a diary, hidden away from everyone. Phil must have taken them into his work and kept them there, like a relic he intended to give to a museum showcasing his own hurt. Her mental illness had always made him feel inadequate, when it had nothing to do with him.

“Fuck you, Phil,” Darcy whispered.

She got up, grabbing her handbag. She didn’t wait to be told to stay, she stalked out, hearing May say something about reconvening in a couple of days. Darcy threw May a text when she was in the elevator on her way down to the basement parking lot, promising she’d talk to her soon.

She was sick of feeling this way, powerless and exhausted. She had endured it for years, and now she was finally shedding herself of her mother, but Phil was delaying the rest.

She saw Bucky texted her and she opened the message, hoping to feel something else.

** _Maria and Carol took him to the park_ **

** _I’m looking at garden junk_ **

Darcy smirked, picturing him at the nursery among the plants, totally out of his element. He sent another message, unprompted:

** _What’s your favorite flower?_ **

She walked out of the elevator, tapping away as she walked toward the car.

** _Sunflowers_ **

She kept thinking about how she’d never get through all this sane without Bucky. She knew things were still new, but she felt like she knew him. More importantly, it felt like he knew her better than anyone, better than any man ever did, anyway.

She kept dreaming of knowing him longer than she already did, having each other every year she was alive… she knew she was getting intense again, but maybe she needed to channel it into a song. The thought of performing it for him made her stomach flip.

She opened her notes app and began to type out ideas, before hooking up the GPS to head back to the house.

-

She could see Bucky sitting outside in the hammock, his guitar on his knee as he plucked, swinging a little. He wore his jeans and no shirt, his feet bare though a little dirty.

He glanced up when she opened the screen door, stepping out. She kicked off her shoes and wandered through the grass over to him.

“How’d it go?” he asked when she reached him, his hand on her hip as she stood above him, her hands on either side of his face.

“Fucked up,” she mumbled, and he frowned. “Should’ve taken May more seriously. That Hammer guy’s an asshole…”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said, and she shook her head.

“I asked you to stay and I’m glad you respected that,” she said.

She could still see he was troubled and she kissed his forehead.

“I don’t want to think about that right now, I just want to be with you for a second,” she whispered, and his throat bobbed, his head nodding. “Just a second, okay?”

“Yeah.”

She sat down beside him, her head on his shoulder.

“What were you playing?”

“Nothin’ much,” he murmured. “Carol’s got a hook goin’…”

Carol was planning her next tour that was starting in the fall, and Bucky was expected to go with her. Darcy had no idea how long the custody battle would play out, so she wasn’t about to make him stay behind when he was supposed to be a paid musician. She was excited for Carol, if a little disappointed that she couldn’t be part of it in some small way as well, since she couldn’t leave the state anytime soon.

He plucked a few chords and Darcy hummed along to it. Bucky turned his head and kissed her, his hand holding her chin like he always did. It was like he could never stop holding her when they were close. He drew back, and Darcy smiled.

“When you shave, it’s, like, pornographic,” she said.

He chuckled. “What?”

“I can feel your lips and everything more…”

He was keeping his hair short for the most part, and right now it was sticking up in places, and she grabbed a handful of it now, bringing him down for a longer kiss, slipping her tongue between his lips.

They both laughed, knowing this was escalating, but Darcy pulled back with a smack of their lips, looking at his guitar.

“I wrote you something.”

“Yeah?” he murmured, eyes so soft, voice gravelly. She knew he accused her of trying to kill her with his smile, but Bucky always stopped her dead in her tracks with that grin of his.

“About ten minutes ago.”

She took hold of the guitar, bringing it to her lap, while Bucky got up, fishing out his cigarettes to take one out and light it, taking a long drag he exhaled through his nose.

He knelt in front of her, pushing his hair back as he listened to her begin to play a melody that mimicked a slow tide, a tune that went back and forth. He tilted his head to the side, his eyes on her hands.

_If we were kids  
I’d keep your hand in mine_

Darcy didn’t sing like she was performing for an arena. It was something someone had to give their full attention to, which Bucky did, smoking in silence as she played on.

_If we were kids  
I’d pick you every time_

_If we were kids  
I’d tie your shoes if they were untied_  
  
Bucky let out a breath at the shoe-tying line, smiling to himself.  
  
_If we were kids  
I’d hold you when you cried  
  
If we were kids  
I’d kiss it better every time  
  
_She played on, humming to the guitar.  
  
_If we were kids  
If we were kids  
If we were kids…_  
  
She played it out, watching Bucky forget his cigarette that burned between his fingers, his eyes fixed on hers. Darcy felt herself flush, despite everything.

She swallowed.

“I mean, it’s rough and it sounds like a _Landslide_ rip-off…”

He moved back, mashing the cigarette on the ground before taking the guitar from her, setting it on the grass. He moved back toward the hammock, and Darcy moaned from the heat in the kiss he gave her. His hands cradled her face as her hand squeezed his thigh.

“Can we -?”

“Everyone’s still out, they said they’d text me when they were comin’ back,” he replied, reading her mind, nodding.

He looked like he was trying not to cry, his eyes glassy as he gently pushed her down so she lay in the hammock, his body settling over hers as they re-joined in another searing kiss.

His hands left her face to go under her skirt, tugging at her underwear as they both panted. His hand stayed under her skirt once her underwear was gone, petting her between her legs as his other hand clutched her knee.

“Bucky,” she moaned, his face feeling hot.

She wanted him so badly so suddenly, craving him buried deep inside her. She didn’t want the preamble, but Bucky played with her, kissing her face and neck, making her breath hitch.

“Bucky…”

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, and she moaned louder, his fingers inside her, pushing back and forth. “Let me take care of you…”

She whined, his thumb swiping her clit, her hips lifting as best she could underneath his bulk, the hammock unsteady beneath them.

“I can take care of you,” he whispered, and she saw him draw back, his eyes meeting hers.

She couldn’t close her eyes. She knew he meant more than sex. He wanted her to give him everything, even the nasty, horrible impulses from her past, the ones Phil never wanted to hear about. He meant he could carry her, and that she’d never have to feel alone.

“I love you,” she gasped, tightening up, and he nodded.

“I love you, too,” he said. “Let me, baby. Let me…”

She gave a ragged moan as she came, her chest like a vice, her eyes only closing when she couldn’t keep them open any longer.

She panted, her hands going to his fly, and his fingers left her, Bucky sucking on them as he helped pop the button of his jeans with his other hand.

She grabbed at him, pulling him toward her, the hammock rocking violently in her haste, and they began to laugh, though Darcy was still desperately tugging him toward her open legs, aiming him where she wanted him most.

“Easy, easy –”

“Shut up,” she retorted, and he laughed, ending it with a moan when he pushed inside her.

“Oh, fuck…”

She felt her face tingle, the sensation of him raw inside her, hot and undeniable, goose bumps breaking out on her thighs that cradled him.

His hand was under her ass, angling her hips, and he hit a tender spot when he pulled out to slam back into her, Darcy moaning.

“What the fuck –” she choked out, her nails digging into his bare skin.

There was no reprieve, his hips pistoning faster as he chased the pleasure, his jeans still hanging off of one leg as he moved in and out of her, capturing her in another kiss, their chest together.

“Oh, my God,” she whimpered, feeling out of control, like all she could do was take it, and she loved it, how he made her feel like she was his. “_Bucky_…”

He latched onto her neck, teeth sinking in as he knocked into her, and she was close, feeling like every pore had opened, the sweat pouring down…

“I wanna come inside you,” he whispered, and she whimpered, squeezing him. “Fuck, I want it so bad…”

He moved a hand down to bring her off and Darcy felt like she could cry from how good it felt, full to the brim with him, the pleasure rolling over her, her blood hot…

He pulled out of her at the last second, hissing as he jerked onto her stomach, and Darcy gave a little giggle, both of them wrecked.

He pulled her into a kiss, the mess he made between them, but he didn’t seem to care, wanting no barrier between them.

“You out here… before,” Darcy panted, when they broke apart. “Gardening?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, rubbing her nose with his, his eyes heavy-lidded. “Planted somethin’ for ya…”

“Thank you,” she breathed, and he shook his head.

“No, thank _you_…”

His kiss was rushed and heady, and Darcy was light-headed by the time he resurfaced.

“Let’s go take a shower,” she murmured, rubbing his arm.

He nodded, only to bring her into another kiss, and she could feel his grin as he held her, sighing against her under the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be in the corner swooning over needy, beautiful Bucky... *sigh*
> 
> The lyrics Darcy shared are a poem I wrote for my partner in a card for our sixth year anniversary, so... ewwww we out here feeling all lovey dovey and shit
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	19. Part Nineteen: GRL PWR: The Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers Experience

**Part Nineteen: GRL PWR: The Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers Experience**

_It's been quite a roller coaster ride, but I've grown and learned a lot about myself. The greatest thing is being able to interact with fans and touch people's lives... for that I give thanks._ \- Christina Aguilera

-

_I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature._ \- Jane Austen

-

“Why don’t you do a song about childbirth?”

Darcy was holding her mic, throwing her head back and laughing as Carol leaned against the piano Bucky was sitting at.

“Uh, sure,” Darcy replied. “And it’d just go something like – _ahhhhhhh!”_

She ran over to the piano and mashed a few keys with her hands, three long, disjointed, booming notes.

“And that’s the song.”

Bucky snickered and Carol rose an eyebrow, pushing off from the piano, dropping into a squat, which caused Darcy to wince, imagining herself doing the same movement.

“I got an idea, and I wanna know if you think I’m completely out of line,” Carol said, moving up to strike a pose, and Darcy glanced at Bucky.

Carol shimmied, her shoes squeaking on the tiles while Darcy crossed her arms.

“GRLPWR: The Darcy Lewis and Carol Danvers Experience. One night only.”

Darcy had been suspicious of her friend the moment she showed up at the house, bouncing and radiant. She figured it was her feeling good about herself, especially since she’d been hanging out with Maria more and her tour was in the final stages of planning.

“We do new songs, old songs – only the ones you want to sing – and we do some covers,” Carol said.

She had begun to dance something from back in the day, one that was at least ten years old but burned into her psyche for all-time, since they’d done it at least a hundred times, night after night, plus the music video.

Darcy put her mic close to her lips and murmured:

“Since when?”

“I miss you, the world has been waiting for a reunion ever since we broke up,” Carol said, spinning on the spot. “I thought maybe we could do it at that bar you perform at, but… that’d never hold enough people.”

“Carol –”

“Hear me out,” she cut in. “You’ve got two songs out, no label, no direction…”

“I’m getting _divorced_,” Darcy retorted, laughing a little, edging on incredulous.

“Fuck Phil!”

“Carol, she only just managed to land a punch yesterday,” Bucky murmured, holding up a hand. “Take it easy.”

Bucky was referring to the last meeting Darcy had with May, Hammer and Phil, when she revealed her online sources, the women willing to make statements about their encounters with Phil during his marriage.

“You’re coming with me,” Carol said to him. “So wouldn’t it be great to get this in the bag, too? The three of us on stage – plus my other guys – but wouldn’t it be fucking _fire_?”

“Are you twelve?” Darcy said, and Carol smirked.

“Maybe.”

Carol and Darcy stared at one another, Carol’s smile widening.

“It’s one night.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?” Carol said, and she threw herself at her in a tight hug. “That’s great! We just have to practise until our feet bleed.”

Darcy returned the embrace, trying to not think of all the ways things could go wrong, since already it felt like the majority of her life was a mess.

-

Denise gave an interview on Good Morning America the day after the reunion concert was announced. She looked her usual self – hair styled tall, her nails manicured perfectly, her eyeliner immaculate. She always sat up straight, and she always criticised Darcy’s posture and height. They were polar opposites that way – wherever Darcy was humble, Denise was proud, and wherever she was ugly, Denise was beautiful.

“_Darcy is troubled_,” she said, when the anchor asked her how she was doing in the middle of this custody battle. “She lives in a fantasy world, and I suppose I haven’t helped with that.”

_“How so?”_

_“It’s true, what they say about fame. You stay the age you were when we first become famous, so Darcy’s still the fifteen year-old I managed,”_ Denise said, pursing her lips in concern.

Darcy was watching the interview on her phone, biting her lip as Bucky and Xander played on the floor by the couch. She sensed Bucky turning his attention toward the phone, while Xander remained oblivious.

_“We have heard some truly disturbing allegations of abuse…”_

_“I acted in self-defense.”_

Darcy blinked, thinking of her mother’s iron-clad hold on herself, the cold way she looked at Darcy when she made her cry. She remembered the sting of her hand colliding with her face.

_“We have a photo that Darcy’s boyfriend’s sister shared on social media recently,”_ the anchor said, and Darcy watched as the photo Cara took of herself and Bucky dancing filled the screen.

It showed the marks on her face, but she was smiling, so happy to be in Bucky’s arms.

“_It’s fabricated, all of it_,” Denise said, shaking her head.

Bucky tutted, and Darcy was distracted, glancing at him.

“Something to add, baby?” she asked, her voice flat.

“I wasn’t raised that way, to say somethin’ mean about a woman,” Bucky murmured, but Darcy could see it in his eyes. He loathed Denise entirely for everything she’d done.

“She must be feeling the pinch,” Darcy muttered. “Me not fitting the bill anymore, I guess she has to make money somehow.”

“Is _that_ what she meant?” Bucky said, disgusted. “Makin’ her own way like that? Jesus.”

“That or a book deal,” Darcy said with a sigh, her eyes swinging back to her phone screen. She pressed play again.

“Fuck’s sake.”

“_So are we heading for a breakdown?” _the anchor asked, leaning forward as if their conversation was private and not broadcast to millions of viewers. _“Are we seeing a slow trainwreck?”_

“_Yes. I’m so worried about my grandson_,” Denise said with her eyes widened.

“You haven’t held him in six months, you fucking bitch,” Darcy whispered, crossing out of the video and tossing her phone aside, putting her face in her hands.

The room was quiet except for Xander’s nonsense murmuring as he picked up his Elsa doll and hit her feet against the floor. Darcy leaned forward, trailing a hand down her son’s little shoulder and arm, moving to kiss his face. Bucky told hold of her other hand and kiss her knuckles.

“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop,” she whispered, her tears coming up, her throat tightening.

This happened often but she was getting better at not completely shutting down when she felt the intense emotions. She’d spent hours upon hours with Alice in her office and over the phone in between rehearsing with Carol and convening with May in the city.

“You are close,” Bucky said, and she nodded. “You told me yesterday.”

She sniffled. “What if Hammer’s got like, a folder full of me doing coke or something?”

“We know you didn’t do that,” Bucky said, and she nodded. “All you’ve done is be a kickass mom –”

“I have no life, you mean,” she muttered, her lips tweaking.

“Well then, neither do I,” he retorted, nodding at Xander. 

-

“It’s one night,” Carol said, and Darcy sighed, nodding as she leaned back on the couch, Bucky’s arm around her waist.

“Yeah, I got that…”

“So you need to _stop_ _worrying so much_,” Carol said, leaning over Maria to pat Darcy’s knee. 

The five of them were sitting together on the couch, watching some old GRLPWR footage they found on YouTube. Maria insisted on it, since they were only days away from the concert. Darcy was watching most of it between her fingers, her hand covering her face in shame, groaning when she saw the corny dance moves.

“There’s only so much that you can fuck up,” Carol added, and Darcy rose her eyebrows.

“Okay. Then why don’t we watch some solo stuff?” she retorted, and Carol’s smile faltered.

“Oh God –”

“Yeah, let’s do that!” Maria said, grabbing the remote from Carol’s hand, giggling as she began to type in Carol’s name.

There were hundreds of videos, some of them taking by official companies and others were fan-recorded on phones.

Darcy remembered when the hiatus began and Carol toured for months and months all over the world, bursting out of the confines of Hubble, being her truest self. It was a little messy, but beautiful in its own way.

“Don’t hold any of these fashion choices against me, I was nineteen,” Carol muttered, wincing when Maria started a video that showed the blonde still with long hair, but with excessive smudgy eyemakeup and black leather pants.

“Wow,” Bucky said, grinning.

“_Shut it_, Barnes. I bet there’s footage of you looking like a dickhead. On _my tours_, no less…”

“No such thing,” he retorted, jiggling Xander on his knee.

On the TV screen, teenage Carol was holding a silver mic covered with rhinestones, her face, exposed neck and stomach shining with sweat.

_“Can you say ‘Hey, Ms Danvers’? Come on, Houston!”_

Carol aimed her mic toward the sea of heaving bodies.

_“HEY, MS DANVERS!”_

_“Again, c’mon!”_

Carol grinned like a shark, throwing her head back as the crowd screamed:

_“HEY, MS DANVERS!”_

_“I love how you say my name!”_

Maria was giggling while Carol shook her head beside her. Her double on the screen began to sing in a low husky voice, a sly smile on her face.

_I’m not a bad girl_

_More like evil_

_I’m Miss Steal Your Girl_

_Killer queen, Cruella Deville_

“You look so cute,” Maria said, and Darcy couldn’t help smiling.

Carol took the remote back after the first chorus, typing something out that made Darcy sit up, eyes widening.

“No! It’s so bad. I’ll die from embarrassment –”

It was her performance from the 2006 VMA’s. She was fifteen at the time, and it was the performance that made Bucky take a swift exit when Becca was watching it all those years ago.

“It’s good. I remember it,” Maria said, laughing a little. “You brought the house down.”

“We watched me, so it’s time for you to pay up,” Carol retorted, pressing play.

Darcy let out a long sigh, conceding. She covered her mouth with her hand, groaning softly as she appeared on the screen wearing a little black dress, her hair long and wavy down to her waist, her face shiny from nervous sweat.

“Why did you sing this song, again?” Maria asked, as the crowd applauded, the stage silent.

“It was twenty years since _Ferris Bueller_ came out,” Darcy said, her voice muffled. “And my mom, along with Hubble, wanted to know if my success could translate to some solo albums.”

She didn’t remember the performance itself so well, and she supposed it was a blur because of her anxiety. What stuck out was the lack of Carol on-stage.

_Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen_

_Thank you for all the joy and pain_

Darcy glanced at Bucky, seeing him staring at her teenage self, his lips pressed together.

“Christ, you’re so young,” he murmured. “But your _voice_…”

“Shut up, I was so bad,” she whispered.

_Picture shows, second balcony was the place we’d meet  
  
Second seat, do Dutch treat, you were sweet  
  
_“We don’t need to watch this whole thing,” Darcy said, her voice a little louder.

She hated that she was the only thing to look at, this kid in a dress, pounds of makeup on her, the smile plastered on her face like an armour. She got up from the couch, walking out before anyone could stop her, retreating to the kitchen. She opened the fridge, hearing someone behind her.

“I fell in love with you when I first saw you on that stage,” came Bucky’s murmur, his hand on her arm. “I know you think it’s fake –”

“It is,” Darcy said, grabbing the glass bottle of water from the shelf, turning back to look at him. “It was.”

He got her a glass from the cupboard, handing it to her to pour water into. Darcy took a sip before he spoke again.

“Your _voice_ was never fake,” he said. “And maybe I was just a dumb kid, feelin’ shit that the TV was selling me. I know you hated it, but you made people happy. Your music still does.”

“I know,” she said, swallowing. “It’s just hard for me to take a compliment. I always thought there was a catch, or maybe – I dunno – you’d see I wasn’t that girl.”

“That’d be creepy I had feelings for _that _girl,” Bucky said, pointing in the direction of the living room. “I’m in love with the woman in front of me, the one who doesn’t sing for crowds so easy. I love the mama whose kid beats me up on the regular.”

Darcy felt herself smile, and Bucky rubbed her arm.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “You know, it kind of turned me on, when Becca told me that story. Though I guess it’s gross now.”

Bucky leaned down to kiss her, holding her chin between his thumb and forefinger. When he drew back, her shook his head.

“Don’t gimme the smile…”

-

They stood in a circle, the band plus Carol and Darcy, their arms around one another, their heads bent.

“You’ve all worked so hard,” Carol said, looking around. “And I’m so proud of us. We’re gonna have a great time, just friends. Dee?”

Darcy met her gaze, feeling her face flush, feeling everyone staring at her. Carol flashed a wide smile.

“You’re my baby sister and I’ll look after you no matter what, okay?”

“Okay, Cee,” Darcy said, her voice tiny.

Carol nodded. “It’s gonna be great, because we’re together.”

Everyone put their hands in and yelled, Carol running on the spot while Darcy squeezed her eyes shut, the butterflies taking over. She could hear the crowd cheering from the outside, chanting GRLPWR over and over.

She grabbed Bucky by the front of his shirt, bringing him into a kiss. It felt like a blur, what he was telling her, his voice low.

“You got this. I love you.”

She nodded, kissing him again. Carol tugged at her and they broke apart.

“See you out there!” he called, and he took off with other band members, picking up his guitar. Then it was just Carol and Darcy, holding each other’s hands.

“Okay,” Carol breathed. “Dee. You’re the superstar, okay? I’ve waited for this for years. You know I’ll never be as good without you.”

“Cee,” Darcy said, shaking her head. “I couldn’t do this without you, either.”

Carol shook her head. “Once you work out how to perform more often, everyone is _fucked_.”

The band had begun the intro and the crowd was screaming. It wasn’t a stadium, but it still felt like the walls were vibrating from the waiting audience’s enthusiasm.

Darcy kept her hand in Carol’s as they walked up, Carol wearing her black sports bra and matching shorts while Darcy wore her Iggy Pop shirt and leggings.

As they stepped out onto the stage, the crowd erupted, and Darcy’s arm was pulled up as Carol rose their hands in triumph.

“Hello, New York!” she yelled, and Darcy waved with her spare hand. “We’re GRLPWR! Thank you!”

They separated as they went to their microphone stands, and Darcy took one look at Bucky behind her, seeing him smiling at her.

She turned her head back toward the crowd, taking a deep breath. It was an old song, own of their most popular ones, and Carol always began it.

_Give me a kiss_

_Give me a real one_

_We’re under the stars_

_The night is young_

Darcy drew a deep breath to overtake Carol to harmonize:

_And I want that clarity!_

It was like the entire crowd was singing along with them, and Darcy’s heart was racing. She was nervous, simply because so much could go wrong and she didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but really, she was already having way too much fun.

They played several GRLPWR songs, only dancing half of the time, both of them more willing to belt out the songs than get the corny choreography right. They switched to a couple covers, which Darcy preferred.

There were a few moments that stuck out the most, like her cover of Whitney Houston’s_ I Have Nothing_, because she saw Bucky clutch his chest, making a show of how proud he was. It made Darcy giggle, starting over the line she fumbled.

Carol finally got her to sing Ariana Grande, the pair of them watching one another as they belted out _God Is A Woman_.

One moment Darcy hoped she could find somewhere online since so many people had their phones out and recording. It was after a song and Bucky handed Darcy a bottle of water unprompted, and Carol cooed long and loud into her mic.

“Everybody, Bucky Barnes!” she yelled, and Bucky shook his head, stepping back.

Carol went after him, grabbing his arm, gesturing to the crowd.

“EVERYBODY, BUCKY BARNES!”

The audience cheered as Darcy threw back her head, laughing with the bottle of water in her hand.

-

Darcy didn’t recognize the number calling her, and usually she’d let it go to Voicemail, but there were so few people who tried phoning her personally those days.

She was sitting in her hammock with Xander in her lap. Bucky was at Carol’s, working out the last of the tour prep.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s me.”

Phil. Darcy thought about hanging up straight away but pushed down the urge. Lately, it felt like she and May had reached a new height, almost untouchable. There were girls on Twitter going to the press, and despite Denise’s best efforts to gaslight Darcy, it seemed like they had everyone on the ropes.

“If this is about Twitter –”

“It’s not, I swear,” he replied. She hadn’t heard this tone of voice for years. It sounded almost contrite. “I wanna see him.”

“Right,” Darcy said, knowing that feeling. When she got home from the concert, she slept in Xander’s room on the floor with Bucky beside her.

“Can I come over, or is that – I mean, I could ask Justin, but he might just –”

“If I asked May, she’d say it was a dumb idea,” Darcy said. “But… I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Or you could bring him over?”

Darcy smoothed the hair from Xander’s face, thinking about the city.

“Maybe think about it,” Phil added. “I dunno. I just – I just know something’s gonna…”

He couldn’t seem to find his words and Darcy waited in vain, hearing him trail off. She bit her lip, thinking it over.

-

The apartment smelled of cedar. He’d got rid of a lot of furniture. Darcy stepped onto the threshold, feeling strange. It was like she’d stepped into a completely different apartment to what she remembered. It hadn’t even been that long since she was there last, but everything had changed.

Phil was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, wearing a crisp new designer polo shirt, his glasses clean for once, his beard trimmed.

He lit up when he saw Xander, and Darcy could see his eyes shining when their son opened his arms for him to take hold of him. It was an automatic gesture, since Xander had no idea what pain his father had caused.

“Hey, buddy,” he murmured, gathering Xander in his arms, pressing him to his chest. Xander returned the hug as best he could. When Phil pulled back, he looked down at the doll he carried.

“Where’s Mickey?”

“He’s going through a _Frozen_ phase,” Darcy said, and Phil looked right at her.

“That’s great,” he said.

There was a silence between the three of them and Darcy waited, not wanting to ruin it. It felt almost peaceful.

“Justin’s bleeding me dry,” Phil said, watching Xander tracing Elsa’s face with his little fingers. “I don’t know if I can keep this up.”

“Right,” Darcy said, stopping herself from folding her arms in defense, keeping her hands by her sides, feeling the ridges of her key instead. “Why’d you pick him, anyway, since you can’t afford him?”

“Thought I’d win,” Phil replied, and the honesty was a relief. Darcy nodded, ducking her head.

“I’m winning,” she breathed, and she saw Phil nod in her peripheral vision.

She looked at her son and husband again. Xander was murmuring something as Phil gazed at him, his throat bobbing.

“It’s not just that,” he said. “I didn’t know how to live with it. The… shame.”

Darcy frowned and he went on, his attention on her again.

“The girls. I broke my vow.”

“So did I,” Darcy said. “With Bucky.”

Phil let out a breath, shaking his head. “No, Darce. You didn’t.”

Darcy nodded, letting it go. “I don’t want to hurt you. At least not anymore. I’ve done a lot of growing up…”

She thought about Bucky and how he first came up to her after her little show at the bar, and how she went back to Phil feeling guilty, and she knew she needed to be honest with him now.

“We shouldn’t have got married. I shouldn’t have used you to get away from my mom.”

Phil frowned. “That… shit about that fight. It’s not true?”

“She hit me,” Darcy said. “That photo that’s online, that’s real.”

He let out a breath. “Why didn’t you tell me about any of that?”

“I had no idea how to,” she admitted. “And frankly, you made it hard for me to be myself around you. Any time that I felt anything other than safe, you were an asshole. You put your head in the sand.”

Phil went quiet and she waited, watching him nod slowly.

“That’s fair.”

“I should have told you,” she added. “We should have separated a long time ago, but I can’t ever regret Xander. That’s impossible.”

Phil screwed up his face and Darcy’s eyes widened, his reaction unexpected. She moved toward him, touching his arm, Xander between them.

“Phil…”

“I’m sorry, it’s just – I thought I wanted him. I’m supposed to, right? I want to miss him,” he gasped, and Darcy felt as if she’d frozen in shock. “I fucking hate that I haven’t missed him as much as you. I’m always going to be his dad that screwed him over.”

“No,” Darcy said, touching his face. “He’s only really young. You can work on it.”

Phil sucked in a shaky breath, looking down at Xander, his chest heaving.

“Can I have him for a little while? Just a couple hours? If you’ve got his stuff –”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, nodding. “I got his diaper bag. I can go for a walk or something…”

She doubted she’d get that far. Maybe she’d hang around in the lobby for a while and pretend she went somewhere, sitting on a chair with her earphones in.

She managed to get out the door and went down the street, remembering when she used to run up and down the block every day just to stay sane. She wondered how on Earth she survived it all, the feeling of being so lost and sad, so afraid.

She didn’t think she’d start feeling like Carol did, free to move in the word without feeling scared or nervous. She’d always be quiet, introverted. She didn’t mind.

She sat on the bench and sent Bucky a text, simply a red love heart, no text to accompany it. He phone began to buzz and she saw Phil was calling her. She pressed her phone to her ear, her heart in her throat.

“I can’t – I’m sorry, I can’t. Can you come back?”

“Okay, I’ll come back.”

She’d been gone five minutes.

-

An hour later, she was back home with Xander in his high chair, feeding him carrot sticks while he gave a running commentary.

She hoped one day she could explain it to him, all of it.

When she went back to Phil, he looked like he was close to tears. He handed Xander back to her, shaking his head.

“He started to cry, and – and I forgot how hard it was,” he babbled.

Darcy could see Xander’s face was pink, his eyes wet. He grizzled against her chest, and she stroked his head, soothing him.

“It’s okay.”

“Fuck, he’s gonna fucking hate me when he’s older –”

Darcy shot out a hand to grab Phil’s wrist, her eyes sharp.

“No. You be there for him. When he calls, you pick up. Okay? Can you do that?”

Phil nodded, his mouth gaping.

“Yeah. Yeah…”

Xander was smacking his bowl against his tray when Bucky walked in, cheering.

“Good tune, bubba!” he yelled over the sound, and Xander burst into a smile, dropping his bowl on the tray, raising his arms.

“Buck!”

Bucky lifted him from the chair with an exaggerated grunt, hoisting Xander up.

“You wanna come outside with me? Do some weedin’?”

Xander nodded, giggling. Bucky glanced at Darcy, leaning down to kiss her lightly on the lips.

“When I come back and he’s down for his nap, you’re in trouble,” he murmured, and Darcy smiled.

“Am I?”

“Damn right,” Bucky retorted, and he turned away, stepping over to the back door to let himself out, Xander chatting to him.

He turned back to shut it, seeing Darcy staring at him, leaning on her elbow.

She felt something so profound then, something that she didn’t know how to properly articulate. She felt a swell of something inside her and her throat felt thicker, her eyes smarting.

_“I love you,”_ Bucky mouthed.

“I love you,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh fuck now I'm crying in the club
> 
> "EVERYBODY, BUCKY BARNES" - also screamed by me, daily
> 
> **grimeysociety**: Writing original lyrics is the worst thing I've ever done lol  
**sarahbeniel**: how so lol  
**grimeysociety**: They're all shit  
**grimeysociety**: I hate this  
**grimeysociety**: Sooo much worse than anything else I write  
**grimeysociety**: I would literally rather file a tax return


	20. Part Twenty: Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I'd get so caught up in this universe. I didn't think anyone would want to read this. I fell hard for my Soft Musician Bucky and I'm glad I wasn't the only one. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this. Now for the corn!

**Part Twenty: Epilogue**

“Are you gonna give me a big smile?”

Darcy grinned, tickling Xander’s chin, and he laughed at her.

“No tickle, Mommy!”

“Smile for Bucky,” she whispered, and he did, before there was the snap of the camera and the whirring of the Polaroid feeding through, and Bucky took it out, handing it to Xander.

He and Darcy both knelt beside him, watching the picture emerge, and Darcy laughed, pointing.

“It’s you, bubba…”

“It’s me,” he said, and then he looked at Bucky. “Bucky, do it again.”

“Say please,” Darcy said, and he grabbed hold of Bucky’s nose, nodding.

“Do it again, Bucky, please.”

“Good boy,” Darcy murmured, pressing a kiss to his face, only to have her son shove her aside.

She sat back in the grass, mouth wide open in mock hurt as Bucky and Xander took a photo together. Bucky handed it to her, hauling Xander over his shoulder.

“Two boys against one,” he said, shaking his head. Xander kicked his stomach and he grunted. “Uh, _Jesus_ – you got a mean kick with those pins, bubba.”

“Should we get him a soccer ball?” Darcy asked, and Bucky winked at her, putting Xander down.

The silence between them had lingering unsaid words, Darcy’s eyes meeting Bucky’s once more. They watched as Xander began to wander off in the garden, moving toward the vegetable patch. Unfortunately, they hadn’t managed to yield much in the last year, but it hadn’t deterred any of them from nurturing the garden. Xander was frequently found amongst the greenery, often talking to himself and telling stories to whomever else could hear.

“How’re you feelin’?” Bucky asked, and he moved toward her, wrapping an arm around Darcy’s shoulders. He kissed her forehead, rubbing her arm.

“I feel good,” she said. “Weird, but good.”

“It’s gonna be weird for me, not sleepin’ with someone’s wife,” he whispered, and they began to chuckle together.

He leaned down to kiss her on the lips, cupping her jaw. Darcy sighed, but was unable to suppress the shiver that ran through her, the air too chilly for just her thin t-shirt.

“We should get him ready,” she murmured, and Bucky nodded, pulling back.

It had been over a year since she left Phil. It took twelve months for the separation to be officially recognized as a divorce. It hadn’t been easy, dealing with that while Bucky was away with Carol, but Darcy had other people there for her. Maria kept coming back, since she and Carol became official again. Brent was also a frequent babysitter and confidant. Along with therapy and regular studio sessions, Darcy was able to stay grounded.

She and Bucky walked up to the house with Xander between them, letting themselves back in to gather up his things for his visit to Phil’s apartment. He’d moved out of the place he and Darcy had together, since he didn’t need as much room, and he couldn’t afford it on his salary.

“You think he’ll show up this time?” Bucky asked.

There was an edge to what he was saying, and she knew he was expressing what she felt as well. Phil hadn’t been entirely reliable. He tended to have excuses or he’d express his inability to cope. Darcy understood, but Bucky was usually less lenient.

“He sounded pretty sure when we spoke the other day,” Darcy replied, stuffing a few pairs of socks in the _Frozen_ suitcase she got for Xander.

Bucky’s eyebrows were still high and she sighed, shrugging.

“I dunno,” she said.

Xander was helping get his favourite books, handing them to Bucky. Darcy watched them working together, Bucky’s running commentary reminding Xander that he needed Elsa, wherever she was.

“Couch?”

“Well, what’s she doin’ there, bubba?” he replied, and Xander grinned. “Was she explorin’?”

Xander walked as fast as his little legs could carry him into the living room and Darcy watched him go, shaking her head.

“He’s getting so big. He’s not my baby anymore,” she said.

Bucky shot her a look.

“As a son, I will argue that I’ll never stop bein’ my ma’s baby,” he replied, and Darcy smiled.

They hadn’t had a night alone in a while. Bucky’s tour schedule gave him some time between November and January to spend more time at home, since a lot of Carol’s tour allowed time for the holidays. Darcy’s eyes lingered on his red Henley, admiring the contours of his arms as he moved around, packing the suitcase.

Xander reappeared, interrupting Darcy’s reverie, holding Elsa aloft. She was looking a little muddy around the edges of her dress. Darcy made a mental note to wash that when he got back tomorrow.

They had lunch and Darcy checked her emails after, seeing her manager had forwarded some articles about her album, including a pretty lengthy review by a critic who proudly called themselves a music nerd. Darcy recognized their username from Twitter. She was sitting with her legs across Bucky’s lap as she read.

It was still thrilling to read reviews, and she knew her manager would only send her ones that were positive. Darcy had expressed her self-doubt often enough to her new manager Emily after they began their partnership. She knew she was insecure, but she didn’t think she held back from expressing herself anymore, and that in itself was so freeing.

The album was called _This Is A Sign, _and it showed a photograph of Darcy she took of herself the night she was at Cara’s apartment for the first time, her eyes closed as her face was bruised and sore.

“What’s that?” Bucky murmured, glancing at Darcy’s phone.

“Singing you praises,” she whispered, and he smiled.

He’d done the majority of the music on the range of instruments he played, including the percussion. One every song, Bucky played something, and Carol had co-produced it with Darcy. It was at times truly nerve-wracking, but she’d managed to release an album independently, without a label, and without creative restraints.

“They’re saying your choices are _fresh_,” she murmured, and Bucky chuckled.

The article referred to the eclectic mix, the hip-hop beats, New Wave influences and 90s female singer ballads. Bucky pointed to one line.

“_Darcy Lewis sounds like so many before her, but no-one can sound like Darcy Lewis_,” he read, and Darcy didn’t know whether she could agree with that. She shrugged a shoulder. “Em send that for a boost?”

“Some reviewer got to it later in the year. It’s officially a sleeper album,” Darcy said.

She didn’t mind. She didn’t want the constant attention Carol got from her music. The pressure was immense. She liked being the quiet one, keeping to her own lane.

There was a loud knocking from the front door and Darcy swung her legs around, smiling wide at Xander who was playing on the floor.

“Bubba, it’s Daddy!”

Xander got up, taking her hand as she raced down the hallway to the front door. She opened it, seeing Phil standing there, a nervous smile on his face.

“Hey! Hey, buddy!”

Darcy asked him about the ride over, told him about Xander’s routine. There wasn’t a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know. Phil nodded, holding Xander’s hand. Phil glanced behind Darcy and Bucky appeared with the suitcase, the men looking at each other.

“Phil, you remember –”

Bucky stepped forward, offering his hand.

“Hey, man,” he said, and Phil took it, shaking it.

“Hey,” he replied.

Darcy knew he was uncomfortable, but Bucky didn’t seem to be. She wanted to kiss him, just for being okay. He wasn’t about to throw his weight around, or play stupid games for seeing her ex up close when he was pissed off by him routinely.

“See you, bubba,” Bucky said, looking down at Xander.

The little boy promptly screwed his face up and burst into tears, which caused every adult to react, Phil’s face turning pink while Bucky knelt, Darcy’s hand on Xander’s head.

“You’re okay,” Bucky said. “We’ll see you tomorrow –”

Xander launched himself at him and Bucky patted his back, kissing his little cheek.

“I love you, okay?”

They separated and Darcy kissed Xander’s little mouth, squeezing him in a tight hug. She thought she’d find this part easier but it caught her off-guard, and his tears weren’t helping, but she wanted Phil to have a chance at trying again.

She pulled back, Xander’s hand reaching for Bucky’s and squeezing tight. It took another few minutes to convince him to go, and Darcy still felt her stomach twisting when Phil’s car took off.

They both watched them leave, Bucky’s hand raised in a wave while Darcy bit her lip hard.

Bucky glanced down at her when the car had turned the corner and out of their sight, his hand coming up to stroke her cheek.

“You wanna play somethin’ together?”

She nodded, and he tugged her back inside. Bucky walked into the living room, grabbing his cigarettes and taking one out to light, taking a long drag while Darcy went to pick up her guitar.

They sat together in the hammock, a thick blanket wrapped around Darcy, Bucky’s fingers strumming. She kept scrolling through her notes on her phone, and they worked through the skeleton of a new song, but Darcy was only half-singing, distracted.

Everything Bucky had done that day felt irresistible, and they hadn’t spoken about her divorce. She could feel the words invading her head, her hand reaching out to stop Bucky as he played.

“Can we go out, maybe celebrate?” she asked, and he blinked, a little surprised.

“Sure, I didn’t think you’d want a big thing –”

“I want a big thing,” she said.

She got out of the hammock as fast as she could, which still wasn’t very fast, Bucky right behind her.

“I thought maybe – just, Darcy, could you wait a sec?”

“Why -?”

She turned back and saw Bucky drop to the ground on one knee. She froze, her hand going to cover her open mouth.

“Baby,” she squeaked. “That a _big_ thing!”

She walked toward him, her hands going to either side of his face, looking deep into those big blue eyes.

“I wanted to do this later,” he whispered, and he gave a short laugh. “Fuck. Okay….”

Darcy traced his cheekbones, waiting, feeling her eyes sting.

“Darcy, I love you and I wanna marry you, and I know it’s soon, but I’ve wanted to ask you since… since a long time ago.”

He got up, slipping his arms around her waist, his eyes never leaving her.

“And you make me so happy, and – and – fuck, I thought I’d get the words right, but –”

Darcy burst out laughing, feeling the tears spill over as Bucky smiled back at her. He suddenly drew a hand back to stick it in his pocket.

“I have a ring…”

He pulled it out, holding it up to Darcy. It had a smaller diamond than the one Phil gave her, but it had little sapphires on either side of them.

“They match your eyes,” he murmured.

Darcy nodded.

“Yes. Please. Yes, I wanna marry you,” she babbled, and Bucky put the ring on the finger, bringing her into a kiss.

When they got to their bed, Darcy was all over him, taking him to the hilt, Bucky’s eyes falling to her left hand every so often, as if to check the ring was really there.

“God, I love you,” he gasped. “I’m so fuckin’ lucky…”

“Me, too,” she retorted, both of them climbing faster, panting as they rocked together.

She was shivering with pleasure, squeezing her eyes shut as Bucky pressed down on her clit, and she gripped him as tight as she could, her vision turning white.

“I got you, I got you…”

Much later, lying together, Darcy was stroking his chest while he played with a piece of her hair. She heard Bucky begin to hum the tune they were writing earlier.

Darcy lifted her head, watching the cogs turn as Bucky looked at the ceiling. He glanced down at her.

“Could we tour together?”

Darcy grinned, Bucky’s hand cupping her cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can picture them sharing a stage together, like the one he saw her on at the little bar, a guitar or two or a piano between them. Ugh. My heart is so full. ♡
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


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